[rockinrobin]

gymlee, when I first saw Midwife's "blunt" post, I gotta tell you, I thought it was brilliant, as I think many things she says is. And it hit home for me in many areas of my life. Without a doubt some of us tend to spend too much precious time overthinking things waaaay too much, when action is what is required. You think and you ponder and you wonder and you doubt and you question and what you're basically doing - is putting it off. Delaying.

Anyway, that being said, many people use their weight as a barrier between themselves and men and even from the same sex. I know I did for many, many years. It's not a solution. Not a good one anyway.

I'm telling you losing the weight for me, finding the strength that was needed to do so, has given me the belief and the confidence that I've got the strength to deal with many, many non-weight related things.

I also know that losing the weight has made me gain two very big "things" - I've discovered self-esteem and most importantly self-respect. Getting and remaining so heavy completely wiped out my own self esteem and yes, my own self respect as well. Not good things to be lacking in life if you want to have a productive one. Having gained that self respect and that self esteem - you will see your choices and your feelings about everything will change and be better. You will handle things differently.

Losing the weight has without a doubt made me a stronger, wiser, more confident, smarter and more capable woman.

And I know it will do the same for you. I just know it.

[Pandora123a]

gymlee,

You know you have issues about your relationships with men and that you use fat as a way of hiding/avoiding them. That is a huge first step. Maybe another big step is to get some therapy or counseling around this.

I went into therapy several years ago. I told my therapist that I thought that I was using food to avoid some issues, and that I wanted to address the issues not talk about food, diet or eating. She was able to help me identify patterns and issues, we have worked together on addressing them.

My life as a whole is better now, and losing weight has been much easier. My therapist and I now talk about my weight and weight loss (including 3fc). Therapy is hard and scary, but can really help.

In school I learned that all behavior can be seen as functional, it always starts as the response or solution to a problem. Sometimes the problem disappears and the behavior lingers on. Also, the solution we come up with (gaining weight to avoid issues with relationships) may not be the best, most effective, or healthiest...and may have significant other consequences. Eating and being fat is an excellent example. It works to some extent, you are able to avoid many of the issues with men because you are less attractive. (Although many here would tell you that some men don't care or will be attracted. My hunch is that you feel so unattractive that you send the message to guys which is a far more effective turnoff.) The negative consequence is that you feel lousy about yourself and have physical damage to your body.

The truth is that "just do it" is great advice, but so is addressing the underlying issues that got you there and may keep you there...or come out in other negative ways.

Hugs

[gymlee]

Thanks ladies! You all have some excellent points and perspectives! I think sometimes I forget that this is a process and it won't happen overnight so I'll have time to adjust to the mounting attention. I think I also forget that I do have a voice and can mitigate some of the attention just by using it! That also goes hand in hand with the self-respect. If I respect myself and feel better about myself that will translate into how I come off to people and I will demand that respect and people will treat me the way I want to be treated. It's strange because I have always known this but I've never actually put it into practice for myself. Now just might be the time to do that along with the exercise component .

As for dealing with the fear, you're absolutely right Jay, it's all speculation until I start. One way to know for sure is to start exercising and go from there. I just may have to go in my little box and dust off a trait I haven't used in a while that used to be such a constant for me in my days of competitive gymnastics which was basically feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I had forgotten all about it until I looked down at my foot the other day- I have the quote "Feel the fear, do it anyway" tattooed on my foot- and I just might have to do it with this. I mean if I could battle through the fear of doing a vault that I broke my ankle on or doing the skill again that I chipped a piece of bone off in my elbow in and nearly broke my neck doing, I can manage to start exercising even though I'm afraid of what kind of attention it might mean. I can't believe I sat in this fear for so long without realizing this and making this comparison because now it just seems silly to me.

Pandora, I've been to therapy before which is how I learned to deal with and release the other fears and issues I had. Right now I'm in a weird place with finances and health insurance (I'm about to be off my moms health insurance) so once I get my own or I get a better job to support going to therapy I have every intention of starting back up again but it's kind of hard when you only make a little over minimum wage

I greatly appreciate all the support ladies and even though I've had kind of an "ah-ha" moment with this thread I know I'm still going to need the support once I get going in full swing after I recover from this tonsilitis bug I'm fighting. I'm going to try and manage some light activity til then. Please continue the support!

[thinpossible]

This is a great thread.

Gymlee, I can totally relate to what you are saying. I don't worry about attention from men, but I have other issues about attention that create a lot of anxiety for me. Also, I am afraid of exercise itself. I know that sounds crazy, but when I get to a certain point of pushing myself, I start to panic.

All that to say, I think I can relate to what you're going through, but here's what we're saying if we stay fat: "I am willing to jeopardize my own health in order to avoid _______." So not worth it. I am done fooling around, the problems I have relating to attention will have to be tackled as I come to them. We CAN deal with whatever problems being a normal size brings us. WE CAN!

I hear you saying you need a buffer from these men. There are other ways to buffer once you start getting attention. I had a friend who lost a lot of weight and when she didn't want to deal with attention she wore some of her old fat clothes. Wear a wedding ring, bring a male friend places you might get attention, I'm sure you'll be able to think of some other way that doesn't jeopardize your health.

Let us know how it's going.

[gymlee]

Thanks thinpossible! I've definitely taken into consideration a lot of those things too. I'm starting to realize that I am strong enough and I can deal with whatever may come because I'm 23 and have enough help problems. I don't need anymore. I have definitely thought about getting a wedding/ engagement looking ring and wearing it but what's going to happen when I actually find a guy worth while? haha It'll be weird to explain. That and some guys don't care if you're "married/engaged" because they'll just hit on you anyway haha

As for getting to exercise, I sadly haven't gotten there yet. I've been not doing well health wise and I'm beginning to think it may not be a tonsilitis thing at all but a relapse of mono due to the extreme fatigue, swollen lymph nodes, fevers, lack of appetite, etc. It sucks but when I get to feeling better I'm def going to become more active. Now I'm lucky I get out to walk the dogs! haha