What if you really don't WANT to lose weight (at least right now)?
I am mulling around a question that has been popping up for me lately.
I do hope I am not lamed for asking this, as I really am curious about what I am about to say, and have been there myself.
I see many people online and in my face to face world that SAY they want to lose weight, SAY they want to eat healthily, SAY they want to exercise regularly but continually give in to emotional eating, PMS cravings, menstrual eating urges, using every excuse/reason there is to NOT be a success at these things.
I realize no one is perfect and we ALL struggle from time to time with these things above, as well as illness, depression, stress, anxiety and so on (most of us, anyway), YET despite all of this, some lose weight and others do not. Still others lose weight for a week or two, then gain back those pounds and then some, back and forth, a dizzying dance of sorts.
Has anyone just accepted the possibility that they don't actually REALLY want to lose the weight, at this time? Has anyone come to terms with this? The struggle seems to be so guilt ridden, such an exhausting ritual to keep going through, back and forth, without committing to stay on plan FOR REAL.
Now, I am not talking about those who struggle with medications, metabolic or other struggles, I am talking about CHOICES, choices we all have the ability to make- Stay on plan or DON'T type of choices.
If you keep saying you want to lose weight, but your CHOICES consistently say otherwise, what does that really mean?
I think there are two different parts of my brain. The modern part is the one that I use when I think about "me". The other is the primative one that controls the drives that has keep our species going for millions of years. And they are definately at odds. The "me" part of me knows that I can lose weight without dying from a famine. The other part isn't so sure. And the older part is not without it's influence.
So yeah, my "me" wants to lose weight. But old ways that have insured survival for millenium do not die easy. And the struggle will never be easy for me for that reason.
Thanks for the input. I don't think it is "easy" for anyone, really. I've never had an easy time of it, not have I ever met anyone who did either. We'd all be thin if it were "easy"!
You've done an amazing job, by the way. Kudos to YOU!!! You are proof it CAN be done.
I think that, in many cases, there are a variety of factors contributing to weight loss (or any other kind of) success, not just dedication. After all, sometimes choices are harder to make than at other times.
For example, it is a lot easier to make the healthy choices I make given my circumstances:
-I have the support of my family and friends, and everyone in my living environment.
-I have the time to exercise, and the money for fitness equipment or a gym membership, or at the very least, a new pair of running shoes.
-I have the time to cook regularly, and the money to buy healthy, fresh foods
-I have total control over my food choices - no one is providing food for me (as in a dorm situation) and I work from home, so there is nothing to tempt me in a breakroom or communal kitchen.
-I have the cooking know-how to at least experiment with different things in the kitchen that I'm reasonably sure will turn out well.
-I have a solid basis in nutrition education so that I know what foods are good for me, how to count calories, what basic nutrients are...and you'd be surprised how many people don't get that sort of education.
I'm not saying that the lack of any of those things means someone will ultimately fail at weight loss, only that, because of my circumstances, my good choices are much easier to make. If I had less free time, less money to buy fresh, unprocessed, whole foods that are still tasty, and more temptations, I can see how I wouldn't have succeeded the way that I have.
It isn't just simple choices - so many circumstances come into play. To you, those may be excuses, but I know that I was incredibly fortunate to have all the circumstances on my side. I don't think I would have been able to make the choices that helped me lose weight if they weren't, no matter how badly I wanted to succeed.
I think it can sometimes be psychological. Many of us who have been overweight our whole lives have always, whether we like it or not, been defined that way by ourselves and others. We were "the fat girl", the girl who had "such a pretty face"...I think once it becomes that weight loss is possible, it's real, and we're achieving it--suddenly it throws our whole sense of identity into question. Who am I?
I've said it elsewhere, so forgive me if I'm repeating myself, but I think that some of us are afraid that once that fat is stripped away, we might find that we were never as unhappy with our outsides as we were unhappy with our insides. Changing how you feel about yourself on the INSIDE is a lot harder than changing the outside--and as long as you can procrastinate about looking at the inner self by keeping your fat loss priority...you never have to face the inner issues.
I figured out after two years of rollercoaster loss/gain cycles--essentially maintaining a 30 pound weight loss, but not losing more--that because my goal weight was imminent, I was stalling. I was afraid to be at my goal weight--once the fat was stripped away, what if I still wasn't happy with my body? What if I still didn't feel like I looked like a "normal" sized person? What if, what if, what if...
I've recently come to terms with things...and I'm finally moving downward again. But it took a LONG time to figure out why I was doing that to myself. It was all in my mind.
I've been there, several times in my life. In graduate school, I was reading "fat acceptance" magazines, and the theory that dieting causes weight gain, rather than weight loss, really resonated with me. I consciously decided that I would not diet. I was a size 26/28 at the time. And for several years, I refused to diet. Surprisingly my weight did not skyrocket, instead it stayed very much the same. It was a life-changing experience, as for the first time in my life, when seasons changed, I didn't have to buy a whole new wardrobe, because last year's still fit.
If I had made this decision when I weighed 160 lbs, or even at 200 or 225, I might have stuck with it for life, and been satisfied with that. Instead, I have health issues that really require weight management to control. Am I as motivated or doing as well as I "should" be, well I'm not going to worry about that for myself, or for anyone else, either. Often it was the "shoulds" that in the past drove me off track - feeling like I wasn't measuring up.
I think that staying fat is a valid choice. I know people will argue it's unhealthy, and possibly a burden on society, etc, and in some cases, that's undoubtedly true. But we live in a free society where we're free to make good and bad choices, which most of us do - make good and bad choices. There are a lot of choices that are unhealthy or could burden society to one degree or another. None of us can be perfect, and how and where are imperfections lie, and to what degree, is generally our own business, and should be.
Even the people who want to lose weight more than they want to do anything about it, aren't that different from people who are always talking about the job or house or spouse or child or life they want to have (but aren't doing anything to pursue). Sure many of us would like to say "well, then stop talking about it, and do something about it." But sometimes, the thinking and talking about it, is the first step (that contemplation stage that change theory talks about). For some people, it's such a big step that it can take years for some people. My husband spent his first year after being diagnosed diabetic, trying to prove that he didn't have to make changes (the real first step of change theory - precontemplation), the second year talking about making changes, and only now, going into year 3, really making significant changes.
Life is complicated and messy, and weight management is just a fraction of it all. For some people, it's a bigger chunk than for others, and some of it is choice and some of it is circumstance, and you can't always separate the two.
My opinion anyway (I'd say my two cents, but I'm not sure it's worth that much).
I gained weight shortly after my business started booming. I was full aware of it but had a TON of issues going on in my life at the time. My weight was the least of my concerns. For awhile I resigned myself to being fat (which was unusual as I don't usually resign to anything), resigned fully. I was even able to make good natured jokes about myself now and again, without them being a shield.
When a concerned relative (aka mom) would mention something I'd agree, blow it off and continue on my merry buffalo sauce eating ways. When my closest friend was losing weight I was happy for her. If she asked if I'd follow suit I'd reply that I would when I was ready.
The whole time I was cool with being fat because I knew when it was time, without a doubt, that I'd be able to take it off. My attention was fully devoted to my career, that was the important thing- I had no energy left for the weight loss. Again, I had and have no fears that I'll get the weight off and more importantly- keep it off.
I know and know and know it doesn't make sense. If I wouldn't have been so mindless the weight loss wouldn't be such a task now. But in retrospect I'm still cool with making my career first, it's what was required of me at the time. I devoted any extra energy, plus some to my family, naturally.
So yeah, I was someone who wasn't ready, knew I wasn't ready, in general didn't make false promises (except joining here back in '06 one low night)- but would agree that it's a good idea when the subject came up. Now that my business is fairly stable I'm able to do this, do this once and right!
However, I don't think I ever told anyone that I knew I'd be able to do it when the time came- so to them it probably sounded like false promises from their end.
I might lack common sense but I don't lack confidence!
I wanted to add/stress (gosh, I'm always adding something, aren't I) that I didn't embrace my obesity or anything, I was never comfortable with it- just resigned that I had other jobs to do. While I knew it was dangerously unhealthy it wasn't at the top of my priorities. I know this probably isn't making much sense. Blah.
I was only successful at losing weight when the pain of staying the same outweighed the pain of making changes. Sure, I wanted to be thinner all those years. Some years I really tried, and after a good number of years I gave up on myself and turned to the hew and cry of the fat acceptance crowd. I wanted it to be ok that I was morbidly obese. It never was, though. How can killing yourself be ok?
Vanity was never enough of a reason to stick to a plan for very long. But when I could start to feel that I was killing myself, that's when the seeds of real change took root. When I faced everyday situations with fear and self-recrimination, such as going to a restaurant with booths, taking a bus, going to parties with lawn chairs, attending meetings with conference chairs that cut into my flesh keeping me from concentrating, these things had an impact. Then there were all the opportunities I could feel slipping away because of my size: opportunities for love (field of potential dates, way, way narrowed); opportunities for career advancement harder to come by; opportunities for being with friends without being a burden that they had to accommodate on long walks, drives (seatbelts in the back of the car don't fit); etc etc. I felt unbearable physical and emotional pain. Finally.
When I was exhausted all the time on top of everything else, it finally became too much for me. My life was so very hard, and it was 95% a result of my own choices.
I can think of probably hundreds of ways humans don't change until they directly feel the consequences of their actions. That is how we now have a polluted, overpopulated world. Abstract ideas about choices and consequences are very hard to grasp for a lot of us, and weight was one area that I, personally, live out this maxim. In other areas, I am able to grasp the abstract and prevent consequences.
When I was in a funk, eating crap, gained back the 30 lbs that I had lost because of drinking and binge eating, I knew it was because I really didn't care. I have been down that road before, I had lost 15 lbs before. I know I wasn't ready to do it again but when I was I could do it and go full force.
I've been doing pretty good lately, these recent 50 lbs I have lost has taken me nearly a year to do it. I have given into temptation occasionally, the way I see it, I'm comfortable where I am at, if it takes me awhile to lose these last 17 lbs, so be it. I wear a size 10, I'm curvy and attractive.
I am looking forward to fitting into the clothes that I have saved and looking forward to being a size 6 again so I can start buying the dresses I want. I do have something to look forward to. The reason why I won't settle for this size is because I feel I have too much fat on my belly, and that just isn't healthy, so onward I go, even if it takes me awhile to get there.
I think that, in many cases, there are a variety of factors contributing to weight loss (or any other kind of) success, not just dedication. After all, sometimes choices are harder to make than at other times.
Yes, I agree. Dedication is only one part of the puzzle. Still, dedication is an important part and can take on many faces in the process. This has been true for me as well. I have been in a place in the past where Top Ramen (generic noodles, really) was what I could afford and that didn't make weight loss easy or healthy at all. Still, I DID add frozen and even rinsed canned veggies to them to make a "meal" out of it...I was trying my best with what I had!
Quote:
Originally Posted by mandalinn82
-I have a solid basis in nutrition education so that I know what foods are good for me, how to count calories, what basic nutrients are...and you'd be surprised how many people don't get that sort of education.
Actually, I am NOT surprised, I am painfully aware of how little most people know about good nutrition and it saddens and frustrates me deeply. Education in regards to health and nutrition needs to start at childhood and be ongoing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mandalinn82
I'm not saying that the lack of any of those things means someone will ultimately fail at weight loss, only that, because of my circumstances, my good choices are much easier to make. If I had less free time, less money to buy fresh, unprocessed, whole foods that are still tasty, and more temptations, I can see how I wouldn't have succeeded the way that I have.
It isn't just simple choices - so many circumstances come into play. To you, those may be excuses, but I know that I was incredibly fortunate to have all the circumstances on my side. I don't think I would have been able to make the choices that helped me lose weight if they weren't, no matter how badly I wanted to succeed.
I agree that your individual circumstances when combined with your desire and drive is what makes you successful in weight loss. I still think that it is possible even in the absence of the best circumstances and that, more often than not, there is always more (or less) one can do to ensure they are successful (or not) in this journey. Naturally, it is easier when all is aligned in ones' favor, but that doesn't mean that it's not possible when life is hard. Choose your "hard", right?
I was only successful at losing weight when the pain of staying the same outweighed the pain of making changes. Sure, I wanted to be thinner all those years. Some years I really tried, and after a good number of years I gave up on myself and turned to the hew and cry of the fat acceptance crowd. I wanted it to be ok that I was morbidly obese. It never was, though. How can killing yourself be ok?
Vanity was never enough of a reason to stick to a plan for very long. But when I could start to feel that I was killing myself, that's when the seeds of real change took root. When I faced everyday situations with fear and self-recrimination, such as going to a restaurant with booths, taking a bus, going to parties with lawn chairs, attending meetings with conference chairs that cut into my flesh keeping me from concentrating, these things had an impact. Then there were all the opportunities I could feel slipping away because of my size: opportunities for love (field of potential dates, way, way narrowed); opportunities for career advancement harder to come by; opportunities for being with friends without being a burden that they had to accommodate on long walks, drives (seatbelts in the back of the car don't fit); etc etc. I felt unbearable physical and emotional pain. Finally.
When I was exhausted all the time on top of everything else, it finally became too much for me. My life was so very hard, and it was 95% a result of my own choices.
I can think of probably hundreds of ways humans don't change until they directly feel the consequences of their actions. That is how we now have a polluted, overpopulated world. Abstract ideas about choices and consequences are very hard to grasp for a lot of us, and weight was one area that I, personally, live out this maxim. In other areas, I am able to grasp the abstract and prevent consequences.
Yes, yes, 1,000 times yes to all you've said here.
What if you really don't WANT to lose weight (at least right now)?
