BumpSetSpike, not only is this girl not treating you like a true friend should, but it's also called bullying and i used to know plenty of girls exactly like her. It made me feel so sad reading your post :( she doesn't deserve a friend like you!! i totally agree with everyone else, start associating yourself with the girls in your class who you know are nice to people. I feel so sorry for you :(

hello cassie i am sure you have heard of what comes around goes around. well don't worry about that she my not be the skinny one forever. anything could happen. me i like to think of these kind of people as suckers they suck the joy out of you , they suck your time away , they suck your selfesteem out of you, they suck the life out of you. it is a lot harder to be around people like this then to make new friends.

adah

This is very close to my advice ... just fade away from the mean one. The nice one possibly sees that the mean one is rude, but is intimidated for fear of retribution. You can get together with the nice one, and avoid situations where the mean one is. You have better things to do with your life than doing other peoples' chores!

Oh, Cassie. I have not read all the other responses, but I am sure the wise women here have already said this: That girl is NOT your friend; she is a horse's a**.

I know it is not easy to to just go out and find a new set of friends. Putting yourself out there is hard, but I think you should use the resources that you have available. I notice a volleyball reference...are these teammates of yours? If so, you can't avoid them. If not, make friends on your team. You already have a common interest.

Being overweight makes it hard to maintain your self esteem...being bullied makes it impossible.

What else do you love? What ignites your passion? Poetry? Go to a poetry slam. Fitness? Many YMCAs have teen programs for weights or training for races. Art? take a class at an art museum. Gardening? Take the master gardener's course. Get involved in those things with the goal of filling your own soul and spirit, and the friendships will follow. Personally, I would look for those opportunities outside of the school setting. I believe that the construct of public education sets people up for cliques and bullying.

I recommend The Teenage Liberation Handbook. Even if you are not ready to take the bold step it suggests, it has a wealth of ideas of how to spend your time outside of a school setting.

Cassie, dump this chick. Who wants to look back on high school as a time when they were treated horribly? You have the chance to create an experience that you will remember as the time you took control of your life, sought your true identity and found your voice.

Feel free to PM me if you need a pep talk.

Wow, that was really great, inspirational advice! :hug:

Thanks. I think many of the societal problems women face come from not knowing and owning their value.

I just cannot stand the thought of someone suffering because they don't know their own power and their own worth. I fear that if you let someone treat you like this, you set the pattern to be treated like that in your friendships, your marriages, your parenting. When you know what you are worth and understand how valuable you are, you earn respect. Knowing your worth sends a message of quiet strength that helps keep people like her 'friend' away.

I know Cassie has this in her. Better to find it now than wake up at 60 wondering what could have been.

Hmmm...I was just thinking. I know a lot of us are adults here, and I think we may be forgetting.

All teens go through rough things in high school whether it be eating disorders, self-mutilation, divorcing parents and so on. Some of these things may never be evident to ANYONE for a very long time. Yes, this "friend" may have some self-esteem issues and that's my worry.

Bumpsetspike...maybe it would be best to correct her when she says something and tell her (pull her aside) that it really hurts you. Just continue to do this...should also boost your confidence. If she doesn't stop then you could tell her that you're going to take some time from her but if she ever needs to talk, you'll be there. I know it sucks being the nice person sometimes, but so many girls that are bullies deal with some pretty sucky things that no one knows about.

I encourage you to be the "bigger" girl...if you get my drift. ;) Good luck!

Hey Sheila,

I know what you're saying, but in my view, we are under no obligation to help or to educate those who hurt and oppress us. The idea that BumpSetSpike should just speak reasonably to her "friend" about how much she is being hurt--well, I think she said she has done that already and gets told she doesn't have a sense of humor, it's all a joke.

So... I think it's better, Bump, for you to look after yourself now first of all.

Jay

I get what you're saying Jay. We are under no "OBLIGATION", but sometimes it's the right thing to do.

I was just simply pointing out that generally, people who hurt others do it because they are hurting. Of course it doesn't give us a reason to be hurtful to someone...gut I was just looking at it from a different point of view. :yes:

I know, to us, it seems like this girl is horrible. But Bump knows the other side of her....the nice and funny side that brought her to be friends with her for 8 years. We don't know everything about this girl, only Bump does...that's why I was just giving something else to think about. :) Sometimes when we're upset with someone we tend to only portray their bad side...even if we don't mean to.

X

re
 

Bump, you have gotten a lot of great advice here and I say you should do what feels best to you. Like the others were saying you know her best. You know both sides of the story. While she may be picking on you someone may be doing the same to her and she is trying to take the attention off of herself. Only she knows why she is doing what she is doing to you, but it is now your choice to see what the next step is. Just know that you don't have to accept comments like that. You deserve better....everyone does. Like one of the other posters said about later on with abusive people in your life. You can't make excuses for them, if you have tried and asked her not to say those hurtful things then don't say that "Well this much of the time shes nice to me" because that doesn't make up for the fact that she did hurt you and made you feel bad about yourself. I've been there, trust me. I made those excuses for people in so many ways.....well he is nice when his friends arent around, well maybe she has stuff going on in her life.....but you know what when it came down to it....they all had something in common they still hurt me pretty bad the rest of the time and there comes a time when you just have to say that it's not OK and do something. Now is your time to do something....and like I said at the beginning it's your choice what to do. Honestly, I feel that there are a lot of great things you can choose from to do, just do what your heart says is right. Just know you are amazing and no one has the right to make you feel like you are any less than amazing. :hug:

Wow. I didn't realize this post was going o get so many replies. Thanks everyone, I don't want to set myself up for an abusive relationship after another, just because I never have the guts to stand up for myself.

I wont make excuses for her. I know she has some problems, though she has a knack of dramatizing them or making something her problem when it shouldn't even be a problem (playing victim, unfair to her, whatever). While she can be fun, most of the time her attitude and behavior ruins it. I always imagine standing up to her but I never do. I want to SO bad. Really I just want to wait for the next time shes says something negative so I can ask her why she always has to point out everyones flaws... yes that will start a huge argument, I already know she will play victim and bring up something I did or said in the past but I really don't want to put up with it. I'm afraid that I say that and I won't do it, though. I've always seemed to be able to make myself do something even if I didn't want to, so I'll just have to apply it to her. Then if she doesn't stop, then I'll just have to discontinue our friendship. Even if it is really painful to get new friends (it's always been me and her since we met).

I really hope I would be able to do that.

Maybe I will join an art club, that seems like fun. :)

Thanks again everyone. You don't even know how much you opened my eyes. I really really don't want to end up in an abusive relationship, it kinda runs in the family so that's probably where I picked it up.

i wish you the best of luck Bump! You go girl :)

Hey folks,

Just a couple more comments from the "other viewpoint" here. ;) Not everyone who behaves that way is doing so because of their "insecurity" or "feeling bad about themselves." Some people are just mean, and they do it because they can and know they can get away with it.

I also think it's kinda naive to think that just "having a good talk" with her will change her behavior. This isn't a new situation from how it's been described. The friend knows exactly what she's doing, and she likes doing it.

The last few posts on this thread have become about the friend and how to help her, rather than about BumpSetSpike and what she needs to do to help herself. I don't think it's up to you, Bump, to try to provide mental health support for this friend, which is what she probably needs. I also don't think you need to get into an argument with her or try to convince her of anything or get her to change. What you need to do is get out of the abusive situation.

Jay

I agree with Jay - they AREN'T all insecure; some people are simply mean-spirited. When someone says something mean about my weight, I honestly think, "Ok, they're just an a-hole. Eff 'em."

Your friend could be unstable instead of insecure.

And some people just aren't very nice... for reasons completely known, of course, but I've met plenty.