Sucks being the fat friend :(
 

meeh

especially shopping with all your size 0 friends.

So I'm going shopping this sunday with my two best friends who are both size 0/1 in jeans... while my butt is a freakin size 13. I'm like a danged mammoth compared to those girls.

Like many others, I've been dubbed the fat one in my group and everything we do consists of one fat joke to another and it gets real old. I don't think they get that it kinda hurts my feelings, even if I tell them so. One friend is worst then all the others, though. For example, she'll say something small like... "Here, I saved the biggest slice of pizza for you because I know how you are", or something really embarrassing. She does this thing at school sometimes where she tells someone, "watch this", and she'll say, "Hey cassie" and of course I'll ask what... and she comes up and grabs my back fat and says, "Whats this?!" and laughs. OK yeah she's really rude. I don't even know if she actually considers others or whatever but she pisses me off.

So yeah, I think I just touched a nerve to cause a small rant, but yeah.

Anyways, we're going shopping and I really wanto be able to have fun and be able to buy clothes without them making fun of the size or pulling out an XXXXXXXL shirt or whatever and being like, "Here cass, if you shed some fat you could fit into this". How the heck do I NOT let them ruin my day? I just want them to grow up and realize that even a lot of people who are in shape don't weigh a whole freakin 110 pounds.

I hate being the fat friend, sometimes I cant wait till their crappy eating catches up to them.

It`s really a shame that because they feel so inferior to you they have to pick on something as superficial as your size. You`re obviously alot smarter then they are. I know it doesn`t seem like it now but in a couple of years you`ll get the last laugh. I don`t mean to sound "flip" but I think it`s time to find some new friends if after talking to them about how much they hurt your feelings they don`t stop. Don`t let them get away with it. It`s not funny!!!!!....Kym

This girl doesn't sound like a friend. Maybe you should try finding some friends who are more considerate of your feelings. Don't worry, life gets a little easier after high school.

first off i am 38 and 247. i have had 3 kids. my friends are all moms. they are all in shape. they dress so nice . i feel frumpy when we go out. not because they make me feel that way.look grabbing your fat is rude and humiliating.you need to speak up and tell themm to stop this crap or find new friends. they need to respect you. you need to respect yourself. i struggle all the time with i wish i was a size 2. i was never a petite girl. my new neighbor moved in. she is a 2 cute and has a killer bod. she has 1 child. she is adorable .... the mom. i am envious of her. anyway i have issues. but my point is this your friends should not be brining you down. that is not what friends do. speak up so they hear you. maybe you should not shop with them if they make you feel bad. good luck. be strong

i agree, a real friend wouldn't do such a thing like that. i'm guessing she's very self conscious about herself (maybe personality wise, intelligence, etc), so she feels that she has to put you down to make herself feel better. maybe she feels that great qualities that you have, she lacks...so she uses her appearance to "better" herself. i know it's easier said than done, but try to ignore her...you're a wonderful girl, and amazing for working hard and staying determined on this weight loss journey. i say find a new friend too.

Okay...this is rediculous. I was almost 300 lbs in high school and never dealt with this...BECAUSE people who made fun of me were NOT my friends. How can you call those people your friends? Friends love you for who you are and they might let you put YOURSELF down, but would never do it themselves. They only time they might say something is if you started the conversation and they had a REAL concern for you.

These "friends" have some self-confidence issues to have to embarass you in front of so many other people.

Find new friends and trust me...you're beautiful. I wish I was that size in high school. Girl, you have curves that they probably wish they had because guys love curves. Keep up the goodwork with your weightloss and we're here for you! :hug:

If anyone makes fun of you, even a little bit, they are not your friends honey.

I have skinny friends and not once has any of them said anything negative about my weight or any one elses weight. Two of my best mates are bigger than me and I would never dream of mentioning their weight...it's just plain rude.

Note: If they REALLY cared about you and didn't KNOW you were trying to lose weight..something they might say IF they were your friend is "Hey, wanna go running after school?" or "Lets hit the pool this weekend and do some laps!". There are ways of addressing people's weight if you really care about the person without making them feel like that's what you're doing. Ya get me?

If they do know you're doing something about your weight, maybe they don't like that and are envious. There is a lot of envy in the HS years...go fig.

Size 13 isn't that big, some women have size 13 hips and some women are size 0. I think the only reason why I can wear smaller pants is partly due to genetics, but all I can do is keep my part and exercise while eating clean. :( Hang in there, its okay. Don't let your friends sizes get you down... those friends of yours dont seem to be very nice anyway.

I really hate to hear your story because it brings back soooo many memories of high school. I am 26 now, so not that far removed from high school. I was always the "fat friend" as my best friends were always tall & thin (hey what can I do - I'm only 5' & can't change that). Anyways, I lost significant weight & got down to around 115 & was STILL the fat friend wearing a size 6-8 to my friends 0.

Fortunately, my friends never said anything, but I still new I was the fat one. The guys always liked my friend, never me. I think it was the hardest time of my life, because I realized that high school was just hard, it wasn't my weight. When I went down to 115, life didn't magically get easier, it was still hard.

I am appalled that your friends would have the gall to say those things to your face, but they will continue to say it until you confront them. You have to stand up for yourself & let them know you are serious about not wanting to hear those comments & not play it off. I agree with others, are these girls really your friends?

BTW I would kill to wear a size 13 now, so even if your are considered the "fat friend" at a size 13, you are not fat. Life does get better after high school.

Seriously? These are your friends? What are your enemies like?

I really feel for you. Please don't let these girls get to you. How do you respond when the one girl makes comments like you mentioned, or grabs your back fat? I hope you don't laugh to go along with her or do anything like that to try to show it doesn't bother you. Please tell her how much it hurts you, and find other friends if they keep it up. How does the saying go? With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Pam

Yikes! I was always the biggest person in my group of friends, and I won't say they never joked about my size, because I JOKED about my size, and I made it clear that joking about my size in certain ways and to a certain degree was ok (but that was just me, if I had wanted them not to joke about it, I would have told them to stop, and I know they would have). My friends almost never crossed the line, and when they did I told them it wasn't ok and why it bothered me, and they were SORRY and never made the same mistake again (maybe a different one). Actually, I remember more jokes about my being the "smart" one in the group, and would get teased a little for getting such good grades, and being the "trivia queen."

When teasing is mean-spirited, or even unintentionally hurts your feelings you have to speak up, and make it clear they hurt you. If they're not sorry (aww, come on it was just a joke) you have a right to demand that they change their behavior or you will change friends.

re
 

Hi, I agree with everyone else, they are envious and it seems like if they don't stop they shouldn't be your friends. Best friends aren't people that put you down and make you feel bad because they think it's funny, best friends are like sisters/brothers. You don't have to take that and you shouldn't feel bad.

You know what too, I gained weight this past year and I would kill to be back into my 13's. I didn't realize it then, but looking back now I looked darn good and I am betting that you look darn good too!

It's taken a lot of time to realize this myself, but what everyone is saying is true, they are doing that for some other reason. Don't let those people put you down because they have insecurities. Like the others said, you have curves. A curvy woman is what a guy wants, heck it's what my boyfriend loves about me. You are beautiful and if those "friends" can't see it find someone who actually deserves your time! :grouphug:

X

Like everyone else is saying...those girls are not very friendly..You need to surround yourself with motivating and accepting people. Hanging out with these girls is a form of self abuse, they don't mean you any good. It's time to upgrade...Take it from someone who's been the fat friend for most of her life. Good luck

Yup... cut 'em loose... They are dragging you down... They will sabotage your efforts... Avoid them, don't take their calls, find new friends, new things to do! :yes: Friends don't treat friends like that. You've become their punching bag.

Jay

I know you're all right. The problem is that I'm also the pushover of the group.. the same girl can get me to do her chores even when I say I wont and I don't know why I give into her when I hate her so much. She's also been my friend for almost 8 years... how am I supposted to cut off a friendship (or I guess "friendship") like that? The other one on the hand is actually pretty nice... hardly do I hear anything from her and I actually hear positive things rom her unlike the other.

Katrina... I think I just may use some of those lol. They are hilarious. I've always wanted to say something to her but I wanted to try to set an example to her and never say anything bad about her... she doesn't ever seem to get catch on to this, though. This will be fun :) Thanks

I agree with the other posters, real friends may tease, but they don't hurt. My best friend and I tease each other all the time - she's 4'11" and I'm 5'7" so there are lots and lots of height jokes (both ways), but I would never EVER say anything to hurt her.

That girl isn't your friend. High school is a tough time, it does get better when you get older. There is still the occasional rude person (most often just thoughtless) but most people aren't deliberately hurtful.

I do have to say that elmuyloco5 had some seriously funny responses. I wish I had been that witty in high school (I had a terrible overbite - which my real friends NEVER mentioned. Can't say the same for some of the other neanderthals I went to high school with).

You are about where I was in high school, I weighed around 145 lbs, I was a size 14 (of course, with vanity sizing, I was probably a size 10 in today's sizes). So many high school girls are little bean poles, just tiny tiny straight up and down because their bodies haven't started becoming womanly. Those of us who start to get womanly curves early feel overweight, but we really aren't. Your height will probably catch up to your weight and you will be even more gorgeous.

The most important thing you can do in high school is establish good eating habits. Limiting fast food, junk and soda, trying to eat more fruits and vegetables. Pick whole grains when possible. Learn about portion sizes. Read labels. Take advantage of the opportunities for sports - learn to love exercise!

It isn't a friendship. She thinks you're a big joke. She really enjoys being able to say mean, hurtful things without getting anything back. She picked you because you won't hit back!

Like I said, don't take the calls. Don't go shopping with them. Say you're sick, say you have to stay home, say you've got your period... OR, you could be really honest and say "I don't want to go shopping with you, so I'm not going. You'll have to find someone else to make fun of." And then hang up the phone! The point isn't to get her to change, 'cause she won't. The point is to get away from her.

Jay

Cassie,

Simply stated, these beyatches are NOT your friends. They are abusing you, and you're allowing them to get away with it.

I'm a little scared for you, because I can see you in a few years talking about a guy you're dating, saying, "He hits me, but it's because I deserve it."

That may sound harsh, but you sound like you have some pretty serious self-esteem issues.

Please know that this behavior from these girls is not the normal way friends interact. It's the way abusive bullies treat their victims.

You have the power in you to change your situation. Believe in yourself as a valuable, lovable, considerate person, and quit putting up with this BS. You have a right to say that your feelings are being hurt and that this behavior is unacceptable.

Find some groups at school or some activities out of school to make new friends. You may also want to talk to your parents and ask if they can help you find a counselor to talk to - you may have some issues that you're not aware of that that are allowing you to accept this behavior from people you think are "friends."

Good luck and don't put up with the BS! :club:

You have gotten great advice from everyone. I am sorry you are having such are hard time right now. High school is difficult. I still remember it and I am almost 65 years old.

I agree with everybody else but I know how hard it is because I did it. What I did was started to spend more time with people I really liked and then kind of transitioned with no real fuss.

You do chores for her? I think you know what you need to do.

I know you have been friends with her for years..but she is using you..to make herself feel better because SHE is insecure about herself for some reason.

I was part of then "in" crowd in highschool....We were all size 7's and so however LOL (weird I know, maybe a southern thing?) I had this one friend..we had been friends since 6th grade. We'll call her Bee Bee. All she did was pick on me, humiliate me in front of our other friends..about flaws she had herself as well(such as thick eyebrows, or the dreaded chickstache) I remember one day Bee Bee came home with me after school and she talked me into letting her pluck my eyebrows. She plucked them so far I had about a 3 inch gap between them, and one of them was crooked. I cried and cried, and wore my hair over my face for weeks at school til they grew back. And I also stopped being BeBe's friend after that. I just stopped talking to her as much. When she said something negative, I just ignored her. I didn't laugh it off, I didn't snap back. My other, non hateful friends in the group still were my friends. In fact, Bee Bee and I both considered a certain other girl to be both of our's best friend, and that friend didn't pick sides. She remained friends with both of us. Just break off the relationship with the one that is MEAN. If the others are truly your friend, they will understand and overlook the split between you and the B****.

Ok.. I don't think she acts like that just with me.. she treats pretty much everyone like crap. Shes fun to be around when she doesn't have her comments, but I really don't want be around her and her behavior. It's really just too negative.

I think what I'll do is just, like some said.. not laugh at her jokes... I used to laugh along but mostly I don't and I don't think she really gets it. I really want to use those comments that Katrina suggested, haha. I really need the confidence to say that but Ink I can manage. Last time I told her that her coments hurt my feelings she made excuses like you guys said, "can't you just take a joke", "well you always say you fat so I'm finally giving into it and agreeing" (which is totally not true, she said those things the first year we were friends and I wasn't even fat).

So yeah, I'm just going to try to grow away from her and make different friends (which is a little hard, I'm painfully shy haha). I doubt she'll get the idea... I think shes the most clueless person I know. But I just stop answering her calls and stuf. I hope that'll work.

thanks guys.

This really does bring back high school memories, not so much with the teasing, but being worried about how you cut out a friend when she's part of the "group," right? I had this horrendous "friend" in high school - lied to me all the time, talked about me behind my back, even made out with an ex boyfriend... and I WISH so badly that I had "phased" her out or at least stop putting up with her manipulative crap instead of letting her walk all over me for four years. It wasn't until my senior year when I started gaining confidence and making more friends that I felt like I could "phase" her out. I stopped calling, stopped hanging out unless I absolutely HAD to (because she was with the group). She didn't have a driver's license and always wanted people to pick her up and drive her places... I stopped being walked all over. And when we all graduated, I finally cut her out of my life for good. (By the way, she still tries to contact me on Myspace every six months, and I just ignore her).

I think you've got the right idea about not laughing or reacting to her jokes anymore. Maybe you should try the "kill with kindness" approach. She's not a friend, she's a bully, and if you branch out now and try to make new friends, it'll only serve you for the better! It's hard enough to be overweight, you don't need someone bringing you down and making you feel even worse about yourself. I wish you a lot of luck.

Why even worry about people like this and how to cut with them 'the right way' or something? She looks like a moron who spills her own insecurities on other people by showering them with insults hidden under so-called jokes. With friends like this, who needs enemies?

That's not friendship, that's just someone using you because she knows she can. Please don't be bothered about diplomacy and whatcrap here. She doesn't seem to be worth it, and YOU will be able to quickly make new, real friends, I'm pretty sure of it. (Real friends don't like you because you do their bidding and is always kind, they like you for who you are.)

Yeah, you can do stuff with the nice girl, and don't do stuff with the mean one. You can keep your morals and not say nasty things, while at the same time growing away from her. Kind of like you can smash an ice cube, or just walk away and let it melt.

I have a friend who is not at all mean to me... she's done something I don't think she thinks I know about...

I used to be the thin one. Now she is. And I found out that she has this awful photo of me where I look crazy-fat. What makes me suspicious is that the other photo of me that she has is one when I was thin. I wonder if they are motivational photos for her... it's really weird that she has a photo of me thin next to a photo of me thick, and not any other prominently displayed photos of me (she's not like a best friend, so it's not unusual that she doesn't have a million photos of me, just weird that these are the two she has displayed).

I don't think she means for me to see this, or that she's doing it to try to hurt me. It's just kind of freaky to wonder what she's thinking by putting up those two photos right next to each other. :(

First of all, that girl is not a good friend. I'd talk to her about it and if she doesn't back down and stop then don't hang out with her and tell the others that you refuse to do so and if they don't back you up as well then they aren't good friends either. There's nothing else I can say since you've gotten some DARN good advice and comments.

Wow. That is really weird. I hope she's not the psychopath type... I could swear one of my friends is a psychopath... not like dangerous, just manipulative and a liar to the extreme but totally charming.

Maybe you should think about asking her about it or something... just like pretend you accidently saw it and be like, ok why the heck do you have my pictures or somethin.

That would drive me nuts knowin that someone had pictures of me like that.

BumpSetSpike, not only is this girl not treating you like a true friend should, but it's also called bullying and i used to know plenty of girls exactly like her. It made me feel so sad reading your post :( she doesn't deserve a friend like you!! i totally agree with everyone else, start associating yourself with the girls in your class who you know are nice to people. I feel so sorry for you :(

hello cassie i am sure you have heard of what comes around goes around. well don't worry about that she my not be the skinny one forever. anything could happen. me i like to think of these kind of people as suckers they suck the joy out of you , they suck your time away , they suck your selfesteem out of you, they suck the life out of you. it is a lot harder to be around people like this then to make new friends.

adah

This is very close to my advice ... just fade away from the mean one. The nice one possibly sees that the mean one is rude, but is intimidated for fear of retribution. You can get together with the nice one, and avoid situations where the mean one is. You have better things to do with your life than doing other peoples' chores!

Oh, Cassie. I have not read all the other responses, but I am sure the wise women here have already said this: That girl is NOT your friend; she is a horse's a**.

I know it is not easy to to just go out and find a new set of friends. Putting yourself out there is hard, but I think you should use the resources that you have available. I notice a volleyball reference...are these teammates of yours? If so, you can't avoid them. If not, make friends on your team. You already have a common interest.

Being overweight makes it hard to maintain your self esteem...being bullied makes it impossible.

What else do you love? What ignites your passion? Poetry? Go to a poetry slam. Fitness? Many YMCAs have teen programs for weights or training for races. Art? take a class at an art museum. Gardening? Take the master gardener's course. Get involved in those things with the goal of filling your own soul and spirit, and the friendships will follow. Personally, I would look for those opportunities outside of the school setting. I believe that the construct of public education sets people up for cliques and bullying.

I recommend The Teenage Liberation Handbook. Even if you are not ready to take the bold step it suggests, it has a wealth of ideas of how to spend your time outside of a school setting.

Cassie, dump this chick. Who wants to look back on high school as a time when they were treated horribly? You have the chance to create an experience that you will remember as the time you took control of your life, sought your true identity and found your voice.

Feel free to PM me if you need a pep talk.

Wow, that was really great, inspirational advice! :hug:

Thanks. I think many of the societal problems women face come from not knowing and owning their value.

I just cannot stand the thought of someone suffering because they don't know their own power and their own worth. I fear that if you let someone treat you like this, you set the pattern to be treated like that in your friendships, your marriages, your parenting. When you know what you are worth and understand how valuable you are, you earn respect. Knowing your worth sends a message of quiet strength that helps keep people like her 'friend' away.

I know Cassie has this in her. Better to find it now than wake up at 60 wondering what could have been.

Hmmm...I was just thinking. I know a lot of us are adults here, and I think we may be forgetting.

All teens go through rough things in high school whether it be eating disorders, self-mutilation, divorcing parents and so on. Some of these things may never be evident to ANYONE for a very long time. Yes, this "friend" may have some self-esteem issues and that's my worry.

Bumpsetspike...maybe it would be best to correct her when she says something and tell her (pull her aside) that it really hurts you. Just continue to do this...should also boost your confidence. If she doesn't stop then you could tell her that you're going to take some time from her but if she ever needs to talk, you'll be there. I know it sucks being the nice person sometimes, but so many girls that are bullies deal with some pretty sucky things that no one knows about.

I encourage you to be the "bigger" girl...if you get my drift. ;) Good luck!

Hey Sheila,

I know what you're saying, but in my view, we are under no obligation to help or to educate those who hurt and oppress us. The idea that BumpSetSpike should just speak reasonably to her "friend" about how much she is being hurt--well, I think she said she has done that already and gets told she doesn't have a sense of humor, it's all a joke.

So... I think it's better, Bump, for you to look after yourself now first of all.

Jay

I get what you're saying Jay. We are under no "OBLIGATION", but sometimes it's the right thing to do.

I was just simply pointing out that generally, people who hurt others do it because they are hurting. Of course it doesn't give us a reason to be hurtful to someone...gut I was just looking at it from a different point of view. :yes:

I know, to us, it seems like this girl is horrible. But Bump knows the other side of her....the nice and funny side that brought her to be friends with her for 8 years. We don't know everything about this girl, only Bump does...that's why I was just giving something else to think about. :) Sometimes when we're upset with someone we tend to only portray their bad side...even if we don't mean to.

X