I am going to ask him to come to the gym with me...

Originally Posted by carolva77:
I am going to ask him to come to the gym with me...

awesome. I wish my husband would come to the gym with me.

I have to say, this persistent characterization of gyms as 'meat-markets' filled with beautiful, sexually aggressive people really annoys me. I've belonged to lots of different gyms over the years: Crunch in Manhattan, Bally in Boston, 4 or 5 university gyms, a high-class franchise gym in Australia, and the Y in the rural town I now live in. *None* of them has felt like a meat-market, and I have *never* been hit on in the gym. Just as a point of comparison, I am regularly hit by men in other kinds of places (like in the grocery store, in bars, at work, at Starbucks, etc, etc). Most people at most gyms are minding their own business and seeing to their own fitness routines. The mischaracterization of gyms as veritable dens of sin and adultery is just silly.

Carol, your husband needs to start acting like an independent adult, and he won't do that until you refuse to stop babying him!

<steps off soapbox>

Baffled, that is very accurate in my experience also. Generally people are quite focused on their work out and in their own zone.

Over the years I've had trainers train me for free and I suspect it was to try to catch a rap, but they were nothing but friendly and helpful so I didn't mind their motive.

I also like to be friendly with the people at the gym, but none of it in a sexual way. So a guy might think I'm coming on to him if I say something friendly because they think if a girl says anything to them she's interested, but I laugh to myself because I'm not. I told one of the members I saw he had lost a lot of weight since last year and he was so shocked that I had noticed the weightloss but I think more so that I had noticed him since last year. So funny that he probably thought I was trying to come on to him (I could tell he was kind of thinking this) but I'm just friendly and like to give a compliment if I can. So its not always what people think either.

With regard to the resentment someone expressed it goes to show those "self-centered good looking people with nice bodies" actually have to work hard for those bodies and their health. We cant resent someone for having something we're too lazy or unmotivated to achieve ourselves when there's nothing standing in our way from doing it.

Originally Posted by Mami:
With regard to the resentment someone expressed it goes to show those "self-centered good looking people with nice bodies" actually have to work hard for those bodies and their health. We cant resent someone for having something we're too lazy or unmotivated to achieve ourselves when there's nothing standing in our way from doing it.

This is a good point.

It's funny, I was just thinking about attitudes towards gyms the other day. For example, I've been self-conscious in the past because I thought I was too "fat" to go to the gym, and that everyone would be judging me. ...well, guess what? Anyone who does notice that I'm "fat" can't really see me as lazy or anything, because obviously I'm working hard to do something about it. :P A fat person working out in the gym is more likely to get silent kudos for taking that step to become healthy. Besides, it's true that everyone is in their own little bubble. I only ever talk to people as I'm leaving the gym or in the change room, even though my gym is at work and I know a lot of people, because we're all in our little zones. :)



Now, to get back on track: I think your (the OP's) husband's jealousy has a lot in common with my bf's resistance when I said I wanted to lose weight. He has a very low self-esteem (I don't see why), and I think he secretly thought that I'd leave him if I got super-toned. Well, I've made an effort to show him that I'm doing this in a healthy way and that it doesn't really change anything other than what I eat and how I burn it. Now I'm 16.5 lbs down and am getting compliments from a lot of people, and he sees that I love him more than ever -- AND I'm more confident, which is better for our relationship in many ways. He's very supportive now. Not only that, but he's been making healthier choices himself.

So, I think asking your husband to come to the gym with you is a good idea. From my experience, letting someone see how good something can be for you will often melt away their resistance.

Good luck!

we had a longer chat and I asked me to tell me why he was upset and he could not elaborate, he just said, because you did not let me know in advance and I told him , yes I did... well then he said, is suspicious because you went when American Idol was on (I wanted to take the Zumba class from 8:30-9:30 pm ) so I said so what???
And then he goes, well you love American Idol, why you left? I said, oh please because I wanted to take the class... and then he said, oh maybe you'll see someone there now that you look all pretty and all...
So I started to tell him that was ridiculous and he can come with me and finally he understood. I also took my gym schedule and place it on the fridge. So we can see I am not lying on anything
OH MEN

Carolva77, it is SO good that you talked this over with him and came to some understanding! Often people fail to do that and just keep on fighting and not getting what's going on. I'm sure glad that you and he did get it out in the open between you.

Keep going! You're fine!

Jay

Originally Posted by carolva77:
we had a longer chat and I asked me to tell me why he was upset and he could not elaborate, he just said, because you did not let me know in advance and I told him , yes I did... well then he said, is suspicious because you went when American Idol was on (I wanted to take the Zumba class from 8:30-9:30 pm ) so I said so what???
And then he goes, well you love American Idol, why you left? I said, oh please because I wanted to take the class... and then he said, oh maybe you'll see someone there now that you look all pretty and all...
So I started to tell him that was ridiculous and he can come with me and finally he understood. I also took my gym schedule and place it on the fridge. So we can see I am not lying on anything
OH MEN

This whole thing just sounds bad to me. I don't mean to be a downer - but having been there & done that... I'm a little worried about you carolva77. Domestic violence claims so many lives... not just physically, but so many women are emotionally & mentally messed up after such a relationship ...

Let me just say: I am happily married NOW, but in my past, I had TWO boyfriends who were super-jealous. I wasn't "allowed" to talk to anyone else, I wasn't "allowed" to have male friends, they had to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was with, what I was wearing, when would I be home, etc AT ALL TIMES.

Lemme tell ya... that REALLY wore thin after a while. Of course, neither relationship flourished; they both failed miserably! - Mostly because I'm a strong woman & NOBODY tells me what to do, who to talk to, how to live my life. Yes, there were many fights (verbal) & a couple of them escalated into physical. THAT'S WHEN I LEFT. Lay a hand on me & it's over - no ands, ifs or buts!

I'm not saying that your situation is the same as mine - maybe your husband's jealousy stops right there - at sheer jealousy. But I just felt the need to say that when jealousy becomes control & manipulation, that's when it's time to leave. You can't fix it. You can't help him. That is an emotional illness that is best dealt with by professionals.

So please promise yourself that if it ever gets to "that level" - you'll take care of YOURSELF, and know that you are doing THE RIGHT THING. Exercise & diet is the first step to taking care of YOU.

I think you're doing great! :hug:

Originally Posted by carolva77:
we had a longer chat and I asked me to tell me why he was upset and he could not elaborate, he just said, because you did not let me know in advance and I told him , yes I did... well then he said, is suspicious because you went when American Idol was on (I wanted to take the Zumba class from 8:30-9:30 pm ) so I said so what???
And then he goes, well you love American Idol, why you left? I said, oh please because I wanted to take the class... and then he said, oh maybe you'll see someone there now that you look all pretty and all...
So I started to tell him that was ridiculous and he can come with me and finally he understood. I also took my gym schedule and place it on the fridge. So we can see I am not lying on anything
OH MEN

WELL DONE! :carrot: and keep inviting him...

Originally Posted by Beach Patrol:
This whole thing just sounds bad to me. I don't mean to be a downer - but having been there & done that... I'm a little worried about you carolva77. Domestic violence claims so many lives... not just physically, but so many women are emotionally & mentally messed up after such a relationship ...

Let me just say: I am happily married NOW, but in my past, I had TWO boyfriends who were super-jealous. I wasn't "allowed" to talk to anyone else, I wasn't "allowed" to have male friends, they had to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was with, what I was wearing, when would I be home, etc AT ALL TIMES.

Lemme tell ya... that REALLY wore thin after a while. Of course, neither relationship flourished; they both failed miserably! - Mostly because I'm a strong woman & NOBODY tells me what to do, who to talk to, how to live my life. Yes, there were many fights (verbal) & a couple of them escalated into physical. THAT'S WHEN I LEFT. Lay a hand on me & it's over - no ands, ifs or buts!

I'm not saying that your situation is the same as mine - maybe your husband's jealousy stops right there - at sheer jealousy. But I just felt the need to say that when jealousy becomes control & manipulation, that's when it's time to leave. You can't fix it. You can't help him. That is an emotional illness that is best dealt with by professionals.

So please promise yourself that if it ever gets to "that level" - you'll take care of YOURSELF, and know that you are doing THE RIGHT THING. Exercise & diet is the first step to taking care of YOU.

I think you're doing great! :hug:

:hug: thanks
he is just jealous, he would not hurt a fly, but since I got this job and have been working out... he asked me "Are you going to leave me?"
I guess he is insecure but in 4 years of relationship has never been violent and he is also like that with his mom (jealous)

ladybugnessa: that is the plan, maybe he will loose some weight himself!

Originally Posted by carolva77:
:hug: thanks
he is just jealous, he would not hurt a fly, but since I got this job and have been working out... he asked me "Are you going to leave me?"
I guess he is insecure but in 4 years of relationship has never been violent and he is also like that with his mom (jealous)

ladybugnessa: that is the plan, maybe he will loose some weight himself!

you have it in a nutshell.. he's afraid you are going to leave him...

it's sad but to counteract this you really really really have to love on him a lot esp after the gym.. it's like with my dogs.. they get used to my giving them a yummy when they go to the crate so they go to the crate willingly.

if he gets used to you loving on him when you get home from the gym he will associate this attention with the gym....

It may be his way of dealing with worries that by going to the gym, you are going to get fit, look good, attract guys, and dump him.

But no. My hubby, when he wasn't working late so much at his previous job, watched the baby after work so I could get to Curves at least 3 times a week. He was happy that I was happy with it. He wouldn't go himself personally, but he's glad I like it. LOL

here's my suggestion. First sit him down. Explain to him...you love him and no one else. You are loosing weight for yourself...and not to attract others. Then tell him, you understand him being insecure and jealous...but there is no reason for it. Next tell him, you wish he wouldn't question every thing you do because it makes him sound like he doesn't trust you. Set everything down on the table and be loving and supportive. BUT HERE"S THE NEXT STEP.....DO NOT baby him. In otherwords everytime he questions you about why did you go somewhere..don't baby him...don't give him the speach that you love him and wouldn't do anything, blah blah blah...you've already told him that. If you allow him to always question...at some point you will get sick of it. And if you baby him...by always conforting him when he thinks you are "looking for others"...he will continue to do it. and eventually it WILL drive you up the wall. Good luck