Quote:
Originally Posted by irishharper
Why am I not doing anything about it?
I don’t want to.
It’s not fair that I have to.
I’m embarrassed and ashamed of how I look and that I have no one to blame but myself, so I’m punishing myself.
Food is the most common, easiest way I have of comforting myself, and I don’t want to lose it. Oh writing that made me feel anxious; tight in my chest and throat, and the faintest hint of tears on their way.
Is that it?
Is that the main reason I’m just plain not even trying?
I DON’T WANT TO LOSE MY MAIN WAY OF COMFORTING MYSELF.
Because weight loss is hard.
And establishing new habits is hard.
Taking the time for exercise and making meals is hard.
Not eating lounge food is hard.
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This is exactly how I've lived the past 20 years of my life in my head. It's been really hard trying to change that thinking. So I decided that my problem isn't so much the food I eat (although that is a problem), it's more about my mental attitude and self esteem. I started to write in a notebook. You can call it a journal instead. Every day I start out my day with the words, "I AM BEAUTIFUL!" Then I start writing all the good things that I am. I focus on changing my self talk to positive things. I tell myself that I am worthy of change and changing things for the better. I know if I don't change this attitude I have then I'll have the same problems at 130 lbs that I have now at 190 lbs. I figured out that most of my problems are mental. That is all that was holding me back from my goals. And not just weight loss and exercise goals. It's also holding me back from career goals and social goals as well.
As for the eating part of this... I made a plan of what to eat each day. I figured out the calories ahead of time and so I know what I get to eat and what I don't. I included things I enjoy eating so I'm not feeling deprived. For example, I prefer a breakfast that is easy to make so I picked cereal. I choose one with high fiber and lower calories so I can have a big bowl of it. I prefer quantity over quality for breakfast. For lunch I like sandwiches. So I picked out a good healthy bread that I like the taste of. I add to it a small salad. I add in my salad some sort of topping like bacon bits, nuts, or french fried onions. Of course I only add about a Tbsp so I don't add many calories, but it still seems like I'm treating myself. For my snacks I bought a bunch of different things (cookies, crackers, pretzels, etc.) I then put 100 calories worth in little snack size bags. I threw them all in a box so they are easy to contain and get to. Now when I want a snack I know it's 100 calories so it's easy to count and I have many to choose from. For dinner I know what I'm going to eat is going to be a protein, carb, and veggie. I've planned for 500 calories. If it isn't as much as that, then I use what's left over for the day for my evening snack. I know I can't go without some sort of snack at night. So I plan for it. I bought the 100 calorie bags of popcorn since that's my snack of choice at night. I eat pretty much the same thing for breakfast and lunch every day. The only thing that is different from day to day is dinner. This works best for me and helps to keep me in line for my calories.
I am not dead set on my meals so I do tweak them each week. I want this to be something I am comfortable with and can live with for the rest of my life. So I have to fit the foods I eat around my tastes and style. I also need to learn to choose healthier options of these foods. Instead of regular dressing I choose low fat or fat free. Instead of any old cereal I choose one with higher fiber (to help keep me full) and lower calories so I can eat more of it. Instead of having crackers or cookies for my afternoon snack I choose veggies and dip. I usually pick cauliflower or carrots. My dip is normally low fat, but taste is the biggest factor in which one I choose.
I've also learned that there are certain foods I just can't have in the house and have to treat them like drugs. Ice cream sandwiches are evil. I'll eat a whole box in one sitting whether I'm hungry or not. Rice Krispie treats are evil. I used to make a whole batch of peanut butter ones and eat the whole batch in one day because I could control myself. Basically anything that is mainly sugar is no longer allowed in my house. I've realized that my happiness with myself and my body is more important than any food. That is where it got easier. I had to make that decision and feel good about it.
Sorry so long. Your post really struck a cord with me. It really was like reading my thoughts. I've been there, am still struggling to get out of there, but it's getting easier since I'm focusing on what is good about me instead of what is wrong.
Brandi