I know there is a part of me that resists weightloss because the last time I was thinnish a close friend/coworker hit on me and showered me with attention and even though I said I wasnt interested in him at all, ended up telling his wife he was in love with me. They got a divorce and I was "the other woman" and I didnt know how that happened.
And I have had friends tell me I dont need to lose I look great and at the same time I have been irritated with skinny friends who call themselves fat. (I can take "I'm not where I want to be, or where I feel good, but I HATE HATE HATE when thin people call themselves FAT. I FEEL fat is ok, I AM fat bugs me because if they think THEY are fat what must they think of me) but I digress.
So I guess I am saying I've been on both sides of it. I've always been hyper aware about talking about my weight with anyone heavier than me so they didnt feel bad about their weight.
But I am also at the point where I am getting over it. I was at dinner the other night with a friend and we got into some deep discussion which led around to some unresolved anger I had at my dad which had manifested in anger with some obese friends with children. (Very long story relating to feeling cheated as a child because my dad's weight ran our lives) The fact that I could talk about it with her and how it affects my desires to be healthy and thin was a huge step because she is very heavy. She blinked for just a second and then really listened and totally understood and it was a good conversation. But I think she was surprised for just a second that I would talk about it with her.
I guess I am saying. Dont apologize and dont please. You deserve to be proud and you deserve to complain because it isnt easy. As long as you arent making the comparison between yourself and them, then if they do ...that is THEIR issue, not yours.
Alright, so maybe others are insensitive and don't realize what their comments do to us, and maybe they do know and just don't care. I do have a little tidbit that I'd like to share, as I'm sure it will brighten your day just as it did mine!!
I have an overweight friend. She and I have been the same size since high school, ups and downs included. I love her to death, she's my bff! She has not been losing weight, but has been oh so supportive of me. I was at her house for her dd's 4th bday a couple weekends ago. Her dd (we'll call her Delaney) is a gem, a real sweetheart. Delaney's grandma picked her up to hold her for a minute and said to Delaney "Grandma's almost too fat to hold you!" Delaney shook her little head and said, "We don't say fat, grandma, that's a bad word. We say my you're looking pretty today!!" Just wanted to share!
I can TOTALLY relate. When I was at my lowest weight, I faced ALL of this. I REALLY HATED the reactions from the female relatives in my life (mom, MIL, sisters, SIL, etc). It was not at all my imagination. They were negative, competitive, and, even when I was not near a reasonable weight goal for my height (as in still overweight) they made 'anorexia', 'you shouldn't lose more' type comments. And none of them are overweight! Crazy, huh? That was the worst and I dread facing it again. Interesting, though, that most of my female friends at the gym where I work out who are all super-fit were VERY supportive and happy for me.
On the other hand, I LOVED the lack of invisibility to salespeople (most of the time). It angers me that I don't get such great service when I'm overweight! It's almost comical how much nicer, more attentive, and more talkative ALL salespeople are to me when I am not overweight. It was great to get the help I needed when I needed it. That I didn't mind.
In all other areas, I prefer invisibility. I do not want to be noticed by men (I'm happily married for 12+ years and could not care less). I do not want EVER to hear Wow! You look great! ... I hate this kind of attention. I just don't want to be noticed at all and I LIKE to blend in. I think there is a truly 'invisible' weight that is somewhere in the 'plump' arena. Obese people get looked at and skinny people get looked at (totally different looks, but still...). Slightly plump middle-aged women are invisible. It's just true.
...I do not want EVER to hear Wow! You look great! ... I hate this kind of attention. I just don't want to be noticed at all and I LIKE to blend in...
I can totally understand this Lindy!
My DH and I have a neighborhood coffee shop we'd go to nearly daily. Once I started losing enough that you could tell one of the coffee shop managers started yelling out how great I looked and how much weight I'd lost every darned time we go in. Everyone would look at me, they'd look up and down to see what my body looked like. It was mortifying! I finally stopped going to that coffee shop because he ruined a relaxing fun place for me. Uggggh, some people's kids!
I do have to say the most annoying comments I do get is from a friend who is fairly weight obsessed, very very thin and she always seems to be discouraging others from dieting.
I am -so- glad that I'm not the only one experiencing this. I guess I just needed to vent a little, because I am getting frustrated dealing with all of the "weight loss fallout".
So many great responses that I can't get back to individually at the moment, but I will...its just great to know that other people understand this side of things.
Mandalinn, I understand completely ... I'm rolling my eyes because people look at me and think I don't have to work hard to be in the size I am..."It's easy for you, you've always been small" NOT "You probably don't need to watch what you eat" YES I do more than ever... I had someone ask me if I had been sick "Are you sure?!" when I said I was healthier than ever, I am by no means small enough to be anorexic ... Even my mom last week wne I said that my size Medium coat was on the tighish side, said not to lose more because I will be "only skin and bones" ...
I guess what we have to realise is that we do this for us and US only and we'll never be able to please everyone all the time...
Hi, I am glad you vented because I feel the same way sometimes. At my heaviest (187) people would say (mostly my family) "well, I am not as heavy are you!" and then as I started losing weight, I felt snubbed for getting smaller. Most of the time, I can let it roll off my back but other times it sets me back emotionally. It's is good to know that we are not alone. I read this forum more than I post. I get a lot of strength from all of you.
Alright, so maybe others are insensitive and don't realize what their comments do to us, and maybe they do know and just don't care. I do have a little tidbit that I'd like to share, as I'm sure it will brighten your day just as it did mine!!
I have an overweight friend. She and I have been the same size since high school, ups and downs included. I love her to death, she's my bff! She has not been losing weight, but has been oh so supportive of me. I was at her house for her dd's 4th bday a couple weekends ago. Her dd (we'll call her Delaney) is a gem, a real sweetheart. Delaney's grandma picked her up to hold her for a minute and said to Delaney "Grandma's almost too fat to hold you!" Delaney shook her little head and said, "We don't say fat, grandma, that's a bad word. We say my you're looking pretty today!!" Just wanted to share!
I love little kids, they are such a riot!
I have actually been on the jealous end..........I started my weight loss journey last June and I have lost 19 lbs. My husband on the other hand has lost about 40 lbs in less amount of time and with little effort. I'm so jealous!!!
I haven't had any other negative feelings about my loss, I have pretty tough skin so it all rolls anyway or it's not worth my time worrying about...........lifes too short to worry about what other people think of me.
Hmm. It sounds kind of like the identity crisis I went through. I knew who I was, but everyone else's perception of me changed. And you are right about the competitveness. I had no idea! I couldn't believe the reaction so my close guy friend's girlfriends. People never cease to surprise me. I totally relate tot he "not a threat thing".
I think it's really good that you are realizing the emotional fallout. No one prepared me for that. I'm surprised there isn't a bigger stink made about it, quite frankly.
Here's what I found:
*we are competitive by nature. Most of the people around me got over it, or I just stopped caring.
*The sometimes unwelcome comments stopped and things calmed down a lot emotionally when this happened. It has switched to amazement at the change to disbelief that I ever weighed that much by people who didn't know me before.
*The behavior from men shocked me. I get a lot more compliments, whistles, whatever now, but the really offensive stuff stopped! It was as though before I wasn't deserving of respect, or something. THAT pi$$ed me off the most. And it will stick with me forever.
Mandalinn, your posts reveal that you are an intelligent and funny woman (and beautiful by your picture) and you will realize that will never change. If anything, it will only get better! It will take some time, but as you get more comfortable in your skin, others will as well. Human nature is something else, though, isn't it?
I know exactly what you mean about the invisibility thing. I have worked at the same place for years, and people who have never said hello when they passed me in the halls are stopping me to have conversations now that I am thinner. It's encouraging and sad at the same time.
I was trying to explain the invisibility thing to my counselor, who has been thin all her life. She jumped to the same conclusion that most people do: "Don't you think it might be because you have more self-confidence and are more outgoing now that you are thinner?" I looked her straight in the eye and asked her, "You've known me since I was overweight. Did I strike you as being introverted or lacking in self-confidence?" She laughed and said, "No, you certainly didn't!" Anyway, now that she knows this phenomenon exists, she finds it incredibly interesting from a mental-health-professional point of view. I wonder if/when they'll come up with a name for it?
Unfortunately, I am not thin enough yet to be getting much attention from men, which is kind of a bummer since I am single and I don't want to be single forever
As far as competition, I don't have any close friends or family, but one lady that I see at least once a week who always used to make encouraging comments about my weight loss has stopped doing it now that I am smaller than she is. It makes me kind of sad because I like her and I was hoping that we could become friends.
Congratulations on your weight loss and good luck with all the challenges that come with it.
Mandalinn, I really feel for you and are sorry you are going through this. We all have experiences like this, unfortunately yours are really, really close to home. I am glad to say that I have not experienced anything quite like that - yet, and I don't anticipate that I will.
As far as outside of the home, I have 2 friends who have been more then a bit odd to me. One is very overweight and she's practically ignoring me. The other, we used to be really good friends, not so much anymore. I have run into her at least 6 or 7 times recently and she is literally the ONLY person to not mention my weightloss. I still don't get it. I've even had sales people in stores that I don't even frequent that often mention it to me. But not her, even as other people stood arounds us (I saw her at a couple of parties in fact) and went on and on about my weightloss. Very odd to say the least. And oh yeah, boy oh boy have I had people being nicer and friendlier to me. Without a doubt.
Not to minimize what you are going through Mandalinn, because again, I'm not experiencing what you are - but I will take these sets of problems and any others that should arise in the future because of my weightloss any day of the week before I ever, ever want to go back to being 287 lbs.
If you don't mind, not to hijack the thread, but I have a question for you guys - a good friend of mine who I met while I was at my highest weight and we were similar sizes, has been sort of strangely competitive, and disparaging about my weight loss at first - now she has started to lose herself. I guess I'm a little torn about how to deal with it - in terms of encouraging her, complimenting her, as I don't want it to seem like anything was wrong before, esp. as I know she is very prone to yo-yoing. I also REALLY don't want to encourage ANY competitiveness - and I'm not sure whether its better to say things or not!
Maybe the two of you previously were comfort to each other, being in the same boat and once you started to really take care of yourself she felt abandoned? But, it sounds like you were the motivation she needed to jump on the band wagon -- I would treat her how you would have wanted her to treat you. Encourage her, but not compare the two. Help her out if she stalls, give her insight but try not to make it sound like she needs to catch up.
... I'm rolling my eyes because people look at me and think I don't have to work hard to be in the size I am..."It's easy for you, you've always been small" NOT 
"You probably don't need to watch what you eat" YES 
I do more than ever... I had someone ask me if I had been sick "Are you sure?!" when I said I was healthier than ever, I am by no means small enough to be anorexic ... Even my mom last week wne I said that my size Medium coat was on the tighish side, said not to lose more because I will be "only skin and bones" 
... 
Human nature is something else, though, isn't it?
