Ammi--despite the negative aspects of your relationship with your friend, I know it can be hard to call it quits. I, too, am often walked all over and taken advantage of; it's just my nature to be as helpful as possible and not necessarily expect anything in return, which often leaves me looking like a doormat. I still sometimes contact friends from high school who I haven't seen in years just because I have such a hard time letting go of people for good. From an outsider's perspective, I would say she's not much of a friend if all she does is take and take and not understand your point of view, but at the same time, I understand your desire to keep her as a friend. I hope everything works out for you guys in whatever way is best for you :hug:

So, I spent the weekend in Va Beach for Jackie's 6th birthday...let's see if I can attach some photos...

*WARNING: giant, self-centered post ahead* I've been playing psychologist with myself a bit this morning. Last night, after dinner, Jeff sat at his computer and started playing his game. He had been away from home all weekend, so he hadn't had a chance to play at all, so I understand him wanting to play. But something just struck me last night (hormones, typical female psychosis, who knows), and I got really upset. I went in the bedroom and collapsed on the bed crying for a little bit, and it came back round to me being upset with him about the whole "other girl" thing from back in October/November. Yes, I still think about it. So anyway, I started obsessing over it (Jeff was at his computer the whole time, so he didn't know I was crying at all), and I decided to take a shower to calm myself down. Standing in the shower, I thought about talking to Jeff about it, but I knew he would get upset and possibly even just leave me (not that I can't live without him, but there's no point in pushing him out if things are going well), but I figured I just HAD to talk to him about it, so I even went so far as to plan things out in case we broke up. I had 2 nearby co-worker's cell phone numbers in case I couldn't spend the night in the apartment, thought about whether I could afford to live in our apartment alone, thought about moving back to Va Beach, thought about changing jobs...I spent about an hour in the shower last night (I'm never usually in there for more than 15-20 minutes, and that's only when I have to shave :p ) just thinking and crying. Then I got mad at myself for crying and told myself that I should be strong and that if I wanted to talk to him, I should do so without tears so I wouldn't sound so needy and blah blah blah...

Then I went back into the bedroom and laid on the bed again until Jeff finally came in. There I was, ready to have this big controversial conversation/confrontation over something that had happened MONTHS ago, but the minute he walked in and hugged me on the bed it all disappeared. It's like, when he's not in the room, I have so many paranoid, angry, insane thoughts, but the second he's there with me, I only think about how much we love each other and how well we get along and all the good stuff. It's kinda weird. So we watched a movie together and then went to bed, and he never knew I had been so upset about anything.

So this morning, I was thinking about the events of last night. I decided that what I'm doing is focusing on this one bad thing (the October/November issue) and using it as a scapegoat for any negative emotions. I mean, what I think really happened is I just got irrationally upset about him playing his computer game, so to rationalize my feelings in my own mind, I related them back to "the issue." I think I've been using it as an excuse when I get worked up about trivial things, so what I really need to do is focus on NOT getting worked up about trivial things. And I think fear is the key issue that gets me worked up about trivial things...fear of the unknown (since this is my first real relationship), fear about the future (we will be celebrating our 2-year anniversary next week!), fear about typical relationship stuff.

Bah, I don't know. I should talk to him about how I'm feeling, maybe...about the fear and the slight paranoia and such. I will be honest that I'm not looking necessarily for answers from him, just understanding so that when I get into these moods (and I will absolutely work on limiting them), he won't think I am completely insane :dizzy:

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Okay, for the photos, from left to right:

1. Jackie lovin' my Jeff
2. Jackie being irresistably adorable
3. Jackie wondering what is so inappropriate about her choice of bow location...
4. me, Jackie, and Jeff getting ready to call it a night after a busy day!

Jill - I constantly make jokes with Josh about how long term this relationship has turned out to be... I find by making it lighter, it's easier to get out. You have to tell him something, keeping it hidden isn't always great for your mental health.

The friend situation may have worked itself out... she's blocked me on msn, which is our main form of communication. I don't know if I was ever that immature at 19-20. I have so much stuff to do that I don't have time for this juvenile stuff..

My student loan people called me this morning, told me I haven't paid for Feb, which I did.. it's showing in my bank statement that I have. How frustrating, when I talked to the woman and explaned to her what I had arranged with the last person I talked to, and she said they were wrong and I hadn't been paying enough for 6 months! This is all the same gosh darned (I censored myself... teehee) company... don't they KNOW what they are doing?? Grrrrr, I am tired of getting these calls... oh btw, I got one last week too from my other student loan. First they told me Id idn't even have a student loan, and then they said I was behind on payments. I keep paying on time, and they keep ****ing up... I woken up to this as well. Wow, I am looking forward to this vacation more and more...

I'm going to go find breakfast... and make phone calls.. bbl!

-Aimee

Jill, I've been around a little longer than you (heck, I could probably be your mama, but prefer the mature older sister role LOL). But I want to share what I've learned the hard way.

Communication with your partner is PARAMOUNT to a healthy relationship. In my prior marriage, we stopped communicating in a meaningful way. I began hiding what I was really feeling from him. He never shared his feelings with me. Slowly we drifted away until we got so far out we couldn't get back. This is not to say that either of us are horrible people--we just didn't do the work to hold on to one another.

With Alan, it is a different story. We spend lots of time talking about anything and everything. And no matter how I try, I cannot hide what I am really feeling from him. He KNOWS. And he is relentless in getting to the bottom of things if I pull the "nothing's wrong" thing on him.

My advice to you is: BE 100% honest with him about your insecurities. There is no harm in asking him for reassurance when you need it. If he is truly to be your partner for life, he will do whatever it takes to make you feel secure and loved. Never be afraid to ask for what you need, or even want.

Aimee, I didn't realize your friend was an energy vampire. Sounds like it definitely needs to end.

I didn't realize you were going to your brothers for such a long period of time. How did you manage to get the time off work?

Originally Posted by Jen415:
Communication with your partner is PARAMOUNT to a healthy relationship.

My advice to you is: BE 100% honest with him about your insecurities. There is no harm in asking him for reassurance when you need it.

Ugh, I know you're right. You're always right. Everyone in this little group is always right, I'm pretty sure. I know I need to talk to him. I just need to be REALLY careful about it--not because I feel the need to walk on eggshells with him, but because I know that I personally sometimes have a tendancy to make it sound like I'm blaming or accusing rather than just asking or explaining. The words don't always come out of my mouth the same way I think them up in my head :dizzy: I'm also unsure as to how to bring things up sometimes. However, I've been completely random about stuff before, so I don't see why I think I need to plan ahead so much for this :p And then there's the crying thing--every time I try to have a serious conversation with him (or een when I'm just THINKING about having one), I fall completely apart. I'm much more used to just sitting back and getting walked all over than I am to confronting or raising important issues. That's something I'm going to have to get over.

Oops - we cross-posted!

It's true that relationships take work and talking is important. I can think of so many times in our early years as a married couple where I'd take things wrong and just fly off the handle about anything handy -- When what I was really upset about was something Howie had said. It's funny how the little stuff escalates into a big scene, when just stopping and addressing the little stuff would prevent the blowout.

We're still a blow-out-but-make-up-quickly couple, and for us that's worked. We don't tend to let stuff fester. People who'd overhear the blow-outs would probably think we're on the brink of a divorce, but that's the farthest thing from our minds. We sometimes do fight passionately, but we also love passionately.

I know with Howie and me, a lot depends on how I approach him as well as my timing. For instance, I know better than to bring something up if he's really concentrating on something or if he's upset. That ought to be a no-brainer, but for some time I didn't get the clue. LOL

Anyway, all this to say, I agree with Jen that it's really important you talk with Jeff. Get things out in the open, don't bury it and fret yourself sick.

He's a cutie, by the way! I love the picture of him and Jackie, as well as the one of the three of you.

Dentist went okay today - had to have an old filling removed and that tooth cleaned out and re-filled. Well, my mouth isn't so numb now and I'm heading to the coffee shop to scrapbook with my friend!

Jill - it's okay to cry.. I cry about almost everything. heh. Just shows you are emotionally involved, or thats how I try to make myself feel better. Relationships are so tricky.. they take a lot of work, but it's worth it when you have someone to make you tea after you've spent hours throwing up and they don't run away.. lol.

When Josh and I fight, there is a lot of screaming, lots of drama, one of us often storms out, but it all turns out fine. Don't be afraid to fight, Jeff loves you and isn't going anywhere.

On my friend situation... heh... I am so bad sometimes. She'd had me on ignore all morning, so I put "isn't the block function fun?" on my msn nickname. She came online with "never make someone a priority when they only make you an option" in her nickname. Anyways, I'm going to send her an email (she's blocked me again), and explain my part of things. There is just no sense in playing this game, even tho the petty side of me partly enjoys it. eek! Bad me!

Jen - I am taking a leave of absense from my company. They are willing to do this because they save my wages, so I get time off without pay, and they get to not pay me! It all works out! Also, after how sick I was at christmas, I used that as part of the explanation for why I'm taking time off. I will be in Seattle for 5 weeks, my brother will cover my bills while I'm gone. I am a very lucky gal :)

I shall be back..

-Aimee

I should say you are lucky, Miss Aimee! :) I saw on another thread that you are using this time to really concentrate on yourself. That is a very good thing! I bet you will come back so refreshed!!

Jen - the luckiest! Although I've gone thru some serious crap to get here, I really hope to get a grasp on myself while I'm away. My poor bf will want to dump me soon though.. a few years ago I had some... issues. It involved a lot of not eating, obsessively exercising, some cutting and at the time I had to go to my mom's (8 hour away from my bf by car) for a few months which turned into 5.5 months. I'm a lucky girl to have him as well! He's also lucky to have me!

I've decided I'm over what happened with me and my friend. It's still frustrating, but I can't let this get me down. I am taking FIVE weeks off to help get myself on track, career wise and body wise... I should be in heaven!!! So I am :) Except I cleaned with bleach and forgot I always get a headache from it.. so I'll be in heaven when this headache goes away :)

-Aimee

Wow, Aimee, you are lucky! I wish I could take 5 weeks off (actually, I wish I could take FOREVER off from this job :p )! I'm sure it will be insanely beneficial for you to have some strictly YOU time.

So, yeah, I didn't talk to Jeff last night. He came home, and we had to go to the store to get some kind of paint for his for work, then we came home and had dinner and watched American Idol and went to bed. It was a good night, but I was stressing inside. I just kept thinking, "Is now a good time? How about now? He's in a good mood--I should do it while he's in a good mood!"

I get home about an hour to an hour-and-a-half before Jeff in the evening. Due to the aforementioned stressing, I managed to consume some leftove pork lo mein, a bunch of French onion SunChips, and a bowl of Kashi GoLean Crunch with strawberries and skim milk. Then after we went shopping, I still came home and ate dinner with him, and THEN I made smoothies! All in all, it wasn't horrible junk food (aside from the lo mein), but it was still obviously too much (too many calories). Ugh, I need to suck it up and let it all out so I can MOVE ON, with or without him.

Jill - my brother is very nice boy for offering to pay for this time off, I am very excited!

I think there will never be a "good" time to talk about things, you just have to make it a good time. And going on with or without Jeff? He's not going to leave you because of some insecurities, he may not understand it, and so you'll have to really explain it to him. And you'll also have to explain what you expect from him... and really figure out what you expect from him. Are those real expectations? Yes you need to talk to him, but you need to have a game plan as to what you are going to talk about, and what you expect from him.

Okay, I must go shower.. I'll be back in a while!

-Aimee

Jill: The more you put it off, the less likely you will ever have the conversation. But rest assured, it will all come out, albeit in an ugly way. I'd opt for a more controlled opportunity to let him know how you feel.

Maybe you could say something like this:

"Jeff, I love you and I cherish our relationship and our life together. But lately I'm finding I am having some security issues. I'm hoping you can help me with them.

"I'd like to ask you for some extra reassurance during the insecure times. You can help me with this by being willing to give me what I need, like extra cuddle time or more talking face to face or ________.


"It is possible that I might need to talk about my feelings regarding what happend last October. Please don't think I am trying to rub your nose in it or beat you over the head with it. I'm just trying to work through it, and talking about it helps."

Well, that might at least give you an idea of what to say. If the two of you can learn at your age to communicate effectively with each other, you will be able to eliminate so much heartache down the road.

PS: No, I'm not "always right"...just lived a little more than you have. If someone can benefit from my mistakes, it is worthwhile.

wow, you gals have been busy. I wish I had a boyfriend club today. Rob is being pissy about everything. He's hassling me about a girl friend that's coming to visit because he doesn't like her (they met and didn't hit it off, which I think had to do with her being shy more than anything). She's not staying with us, and will only be here a couple of days. I've known her since high school. He needs to chill out.

Hang in there, Jill. You got lots of good advice, maybe if you frame in to him in terms of something you're going through (like Jen's scenario), and ask for his support. Hey, you deserve to talk about your feelings. And he doesn't strike me as the type to go running.

Aimee, I think your taking time to go to your brother's is a great thing to do for yourself. I had to take a little flak for planning a bunch of days to Washington without Rob, but he wouldn't go and I need a vacation.

Take it easy.

Marge--maybe you and your girlfriend can go hang out together without Rob? I know it's hard when two people close to you don't get along well with one another.

The only reason I fear Jeff may run is that when the whole thing was going on and we were fighting about it, he actually said a few times, "If you bring this up again, I'm going to break up with you." Granted, I did bring it up more than once (or twice or three times), so I could understand his frustration, plus every time I brought it up, he felt I was accusing him all over again. Now that things have had time to settle, I hope it goes a bit differently.

It's another thing I want to talk about, though--about how that's basically the most hurtful thing he has ever said to me simply because I don't want to be in a relationship where I can't talk about what's bothering me, where there are "off limit" topics.

Also on the list: letting him know I know he lied to me. I need to go about these things as gently as possible so as not to sound too accusing. I know he lied to me about one thing, but I still believe him that he did not cheat on me. I just need to let him know that he doesn't need to lie to me about anything, that I need him to be honest even if he thinks my feelings may get hurt, that maybe I'll get upset at first about something but I'm a very understanding person so after thinking about it a bit I tend to come around and be okay--I just need some thinking time.

I'm going to start off by telling him I love him and that I am very happy with how living together has worked out so far. I will also tell him that I am thankful that he is understanding enough to let me have my space when I get in my "moods" (i.e., crying in the bedroom alone) and thank him for not pestering me about things when I'm not ready to discuss them (he sometimes asks me what's wrong, and I just say nothing). It's something I know I need to work on, too, that I need to NOT get into such moods so often and not not tell him what's on my mind.

Of course, it all makes sense in my head, but when I go to talk to him, I'm sure it'll all come out wrong and I'll be a blubbering mess :dizzy:

Jill that is awesome! congratulations! That is a nice, hefty raise. Good for you!