Shan, is that Van Diesal? To answer your question, I do take relax. You have to relax in order to be productive. Exercise is auctually part of my me time. It is very stress relieving for me. I also hike, scuba dive, go to sporting events, etc to relax.

NBK, sorry about the food poisioning. I hope you get better soon. You probably will lose weight after the surgery. It is not the healthiest way to lose but hey a girl has to do what a girl has to do. Just kidding!

Subpreme-You are pretty optismistic as well. It is the only way to get anything done! I love your list. I have to do the same in order to focus on my task at hand. It is a great way to get reminding yourself.

Little GH, was you work day better?

CG-okay you are none with your test, now where are you? Nah, just kidding. Believe me, I know how it is!

Red, how are you? Are you holding up? I'm thinking of you.

Thank you everyone for your warm words. I'm feeling much better now. Just lonely without Tetchan (or Tiger as I called him). He was so sweet, always tried to be so good. I feel bad, thinking I should have known something was wrong with him, should have had him checked, gotten all the shots. It's just that it costs so much. He seemed OK, but if it was parasites I wouldn't know. He was so big I thought he was OK. I guess there are other things that don't eat the food. O, I got through the day but was afraid to come home knowing I would just be missing him so much. But I'll get it over it soon enough. It's certainly not the first time. At least I have the other three. But he was special. There was something very different about him. Anyhow, I just miss him. I'll try to write again soon. Thanks again all of you for writing, taking the time out to write for me. It means a lot and of course it makes me cry all the more. . . I was able to bury him outside my room. I've buried two cats and a dog but none right here. He's the first, except for the mice, birds and such that the cats would bring home.

NBK, hope you're feeling better.

How is everyone?

Stormy - Yep, that is Vin Diesel. I have a slight (huge) crush. I wanted one with his shirt off, but couldn't find one!! Dang it!!

Glad you have figured out a way to relax and have you time! I still am amazed at all you do! Without going insane and buying a gun!!!

Red - Glad you are doing okay. I know it is hard, but try not to blame yourself. (Not to make you cry, but) Last year, my dog started having trouble walking. I thought it was just a side effect of a dog fight he had been in when a neighbors dog came into the yard and grabbed him by the neck. I kept trying to change his diet, thinking if he lost some weight it might help. Then, it got to where he couldn't even walk up and down the stairs of the porch. Two days later, he couldn't even get up. I made an appointment with the vet, but it snowed, so I had to wait. They said if he got worse, to bring him in and they would work him in. My dad had to carry him to the truck. When we got to the vet, they had to take him on a gurney. They did some blood tests and found out he had canine diabetes. DIABETES!! I didn't even know a dog could get that! They said he was so far gone that his liver had serious damage. They did say they might could treat him, but it would be very long, he'd have to stay there (which he hated) and it might not do any good. I choose to put him down. He was the best dog! The whole time he kept looking at me with those chocolate eyes of his, completely trusting I would take care of him. I stayed with him until the very end. My mom came and finally made me leave. It was the hardest thing I ever did! I felt like I killed him because I didn't do something sooner. Honestly, I had no idea he was so sick. And it happened so fast! He was fine one week and then practically immobile the next. It took a long time for me to stop blaming myself and feeling so horribly guilty! I still miss him-sometimes so bad it hurts and I break down and cry! But, I remember all the fun I had with him and how much happiness he brought to so many people, and I smile and go on. It will take time, but you will eventually be able to think of Tiger and smile.

Did I make you cry? Sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I have been where you are. The guilt and selfcrimination. Constantly thinking if I had just done this or that. And why didn't I??? It wasn't your fault. I know it feels like it, but you loved him and cared for him, and that is what mattered most.

Okay, I think I've dpressed everyone enough for a while! Will check back in later!

Tootles

Hello everyone, I hope that all is going well. Today is my long day at work, so I will keep this post short. It snowed again yesterday Red, I am sorry about your cat. When my cat died I cried till my eyes were swollen shut. If you have time you should go out and see your horse and go for a ride. I have to go now, but I will check in later to see how everyone is doing. Have a great day!

Hi all-
Just wanted to get on so I keep a presence here- feel bad I haven't been around for everyone. On top of having no luck staying on a diet- I also have manic depression and ocassionally it kicks up and I can't help but be depressed for awhile until it passes again. I take meds but that does not always work and I get so depressed I try to not pull anyone into it with me so I isolate myself. That is what is going on this week.
I will try to get on some and talk but please forgive me if it is brief or if I leave anyone out. Trying my best to keep it together.

Red- Once again I am sorry about Tiger. I know it is hard for you to adjust but I am hoping before long it will be the good times you will focus on with him. I know the adjustment is hard without him but everyday it will get a little easier. I think (like someone else said already) that you should try to go see your horse and of course try to cuddle and love on your other cats for comfort. That should help some- and you can always come on here and talk. I hope you are not trying to blame yourself because you did nothing but make Tiger's life better. I am sure he loved you for it!

subprem- Sorry your snow is causing you so much stress- I will trade with you though. Florida is only one tempature all the time- hot! I am jealous of your snow. Make a snow angel for me would you?

NBK-Get better soon girl! We miss you.

shanberg- No more sad stories from you! Crying and posting do not mix well together. I know what you mean though- had a similar experience with a cat I had for 18 years although it was old age not diabetes. It about killed me. Pets are such a blessing even though we outlive them - my dog Charlie is like a big furry warm stress reliever. Where else can you get unconditional love and nonjudgement? Anyway- I am sorry you had to go through that.

little grass- where are you? What ever happened with the doc from hades? Did I miss it?? Hope you are okay and not too stressed out!

Stormy- how is school going? Are you hanging in there?

tae- how about you- how is it going?

Okay well- I better go. Hope you all are well and thanks for understanding my absence on the board. I should be back full swing in a few days and will change the thread Sunday.
Have a good day everyone!

Hi guys, shan, sub, Crime girl, thanks again for your warm words. Like I've said (or hope I have) they mean so much to me. I'm feeling quite bad this morning, like I have a cold. It's raining out. I had planned to get to the gym. Will see. Just wanted to say Hi as I saw you just posted, CG.

Was just sitting here, waiting for time to tick by so I can go home and thought I'd drop a line or two! Nothing very specific, just felt like talking a spell.

I have come to the conclusion that dieting is a roller coaster ride from ****!! It is such a constant up and down, round and round, through the loop and back again experience! Only, without the great feeling of fun and happiness one experiences on a real roller coaster. Some times, I get so sick of the entire process. I feel like I am running uphill in a flood. Getting nowhere and gaining speed. Sorry, just feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment with the whole weight-loss issue.

The worst part is that some weeks I do so good! I eat great, exercise, feel wonderful! And then, other weeks I do horrible. I just wish I could get on a roll and stick to one or the other. I think it would be so much easier.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent!

************************************************** ********

Red - Glad you are hanging in there over Tiger! Sorry you have a cold, though! Those are the worst! You feel so yucky! Drink lots of liquids and get plenty of rest!

Crime Girl - Hear you on the depression! Sometimes the wave is so hard it's almost impossible to ride out (at least, it feels that way!). Do you have episodes frequently? Or, do they just pop up unexpectedly? That is how it is for me. I think everything is going well, and then BAMB..depression big time! Just take it minute by minute until it passes!

Heh shanberg, just saw your post. I should be getting ready to leave for the gym. Just realized the rain outside was snow! There's tons of it on the ground. Unusual for Tokyo. It has turned to rain now but walking will be very difficult. Think I may forget the gym. Still have time to go though so I may. Anyhow, what triggered this feeling of roller-coaster? Did you weigh yourself, have a little binge? I know just how you feel. Sometimes I get in an awful low about the whole thing, get so angry, so exasperated, but this is life, and that's what weight loss is, it's not really about just losing, I mean, this is why it's so hard. It's never a done deal, it's an onging thing, like learning to be an acrobatic, a gymnast, it's about perfecting the moves. Think of it, we're like up there flipping around on the uneven parallel bars, spinning on the rings, balancing on the beam. Sometimes we have a crash, but what do those Olympic athletes do when they fall off? They get back on! It's the only thing. It's NOT like quitting smoking. It's nothing at all so simple. Now, I know that can sound overwhelming but you don't go flipping around doing in-the-air somersaults from the beginning. You start by trying to stand on one leg for a bit, or easing into a backbend just kind of arching your back and that's it! You get better at this whole thing bit by bit, slowly, ever so slowly and so that one day you'll see how far you've come, not so much about your weight or any number on the scale, but about making better choices THROUGHOUT the day over and over again and making exercise kind of just a thing you do. You'll get there someday. But for now, just take it easy. Think of yourself on a balance beam that is resting on the ground. I think maybe you're trying to be TOO good, trying to do the advanced moves and then you trip up or feel it's too much, and then swing the other way. Take it down a few notches. OK, hope you feel better. You are SO not alone in this, Shannon. Here's a hug. Show me a smile.

Hi, Red.

Thanks for your words. They were very helpful.

As for what triggered it, no idea. I didn't weigh myself or binge. As a matter of fact, I was sitting here, eating an apple. It just sorta hit me. I didn't really want the apple, it wasn't that good...why was I eating it. Oh, yeah, trying to eat healthier, lose weight, follow the pyramid...yadda, yadda, yadda. I guess I had just had enough at that one point.

Am I trying too hard? Maybe. I have to, though. I can't go half way. For me, its all or nothing. If I don't keep my mind on it at all times, I lose focus and end up eating horrible. Then, all my efforts end up being in vain and I gain. I am sure everyone here knows exactly what I am talking about. You tell yourself you are just going to take a small break for this one meal, this one instance. Next thing you know, its a week later and you have ate out everyday, made terrible food choices, not exercised, and the only water you swallowed was in the shower.

On top of everything else, I am under a small amount of stress at the moment. It's not a lot, compared to some, but for me, it's like an avalanche. So, all in all, I am just stressed, tired, and extremely disallusioned at the moment. I will pull out of it.

Hi everyone!

Well this is usually the time of year that people start breaking their resolutions and getting discouraged. Everyone hang in there!

CG-when you are depressed or need to talk come on in. We will be here! Do you have a countdown of how many days of school you have left?

Shan-it happens to all of us. Eating right is a roller coaster. You are doing fine. You can do it! Do you allow yourself one day to eat what you want to eat? If not, maybe you should so you do not feel so deprived.

How is everyone else doing?

I am doing fine. I have today off and I have major school work today. Plus, I have to run errands. I am a little disappointed. I weighed myself today and I have not lost anything in over two weeks. Oh well. I will keep moving and keep eating as well as I can. I can and will do this!!!

I hope everyone has an excellent day!

Hi, Stormy.

I liked your opening line! And how true it is!!

I do give myself a free day. Plus, I don't really restrict myself all that much. I set a limit on the number of calories I allow myself each day and then eat to that total. I can eat what I want, as long as I count the calories (kinda like Weight Watchers, but using calories instead of points). I do really good on this. It is just lately I find myself wanting to eat the bad stuff--cookies, cupcakes. I rarely indulge in those things b/c they are so high in calories and I can save those and go eat with a friend instead.

I am feeling a lot better today, though. I am not giving up, that is for sure. I have come too far to stop now! Plus, I am really, really close to a mini goal that will get me a free hair cut!

Thansk for the support!

Have a great day.

Hello everyone, I hope that things are going okay. I know that you all are really busy. My son is sick with his third ear infection in four months, so I am taking him to the ENT in two weeks to see about getting tubes put in. I have just been feeling really blah, and by the way it is snowing again I guess that I can be thankful that I don't live in the upper pennisula as they get something like 84 inches of snow that doesn't start melting until April or so. I am trying to get motivated to do my walking program today. I have really nice co-workers that do Walk Away the Pounds at work Monday through Thursday. I have been exercising a lot this week, but I have managed to eat some junk food too...I guess it balances out Have a great day and I will check in with all of you soon.

Red- I am so sorry to hear about Tetchan...losing a pet is like losing a family member. My dog died Christmas time '03 after I had had her for fifteen years. She was best friends with my cat who still misses her.

CG- You are so close to finishing and you are going to graduate. I have faith in you!

Shan - I am glad to hear that you give yourself a cheat day! My favorite cheat food is Taco Bell...how sick is that?

NBK- I wish you a speedy recovery, and I hope that you feel better soon.

LGH- Are things going okay for you?

Tae- How are you doing?

Stormy- How right you are...but we're all still hanging in there!

Good morning. Quick post here I'm afraid. Too little time, too much to do.

shanberg -- Ok, so nothing really set you off, not outwardly perhaps, but maybe getting a line on this kind of thing that just "hits you" is where your real problem lies. You sound a lot like me. Like there's something inside us, some scenario that we start to play in order to make our life the way we've subconsciously decided it's going to be, the way it IS, as if this is some kind of absolute set in stone. It's NOT. It's us, doing this, this sabotage, probably linked way back to something we wrote as toddlers. We've got to change that. I do it with relationships. I used to think I did it once I got into a relationship but now I'm seeing I do it way before, with my choice of a guy I'm going to HAVE to be unhappy with. Later, my finding fault with him is not as if I didn't know he was a certain way. I think subconsciously I was aware he was a certain way all the time and that's why I choose to obsess over him, so THAT I can find fault with him later, end the relationship and go, "See! Another loser." I probably knew he was a loser all along. Sounds weird, but there is probably something back there in the darkest corners of my mind (you see, my father was right! I am a squarehead!) that has me saying, you can't have it all. You can't have the things you want in a guy who isn't a loser. I've got to change that and say, "To **** I can't!! I most certainly can and will!!" Ok, you're probably wondering what all this has to do with you. Well, I think that with the eating we are doing something of the same thing. And is it strange?! I don't think so. I've never had the body I wanted, well maybe, when I was 8 years old, but so many other things came along and since puberty I guess I haven't. So maybe somewhere I'm thinking I CAN'T ever have it or I can't ever be happy with it. So, when things are going right, I have to start sabotaging myself, if not with food, then with thoughts, like you're doing, asking why you're eating an apple when you don't like it. Well, answer that question! Don't just let it hang there and allow some sneak to come in and answer it. You have to answer. "I'm eating it because this is what is good for me. Of course I don't like it. I'm all screwed up when it comes to eating. I've been thinking all these sweets and junk food are what I like and what comforts me but I've been wrong and until I learn that I'm going to just do a bit of what I don't like!!" Do you want to be fat? No! You can honestly say that. How did you get there? You know. What will get you away from there? You know. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be hard. You're going to feel deprived. You're going to want to cry for your candy. Make the choice! You're not a baby. You can do this shan! You are a strong woman, a powerful woman, a sensitive and caring woman. Take up the reins and show the world what you are made of!

Heh, and I can say this. I just got on the scale, and am up about 3 lbs even though I have been so good with no sugar, no nuts, getting to the gym, damn! but I'm going to have keep at it, crack the whip a bit more. If I have to cry then I'll cry but giving in to the food is just so nothing. Anybody can do that. Anybody at all. And I'm NOT just anybody. Neither are you. We are much, much more. Giving in gives me nothing back, nothing substantial. It's a bauble for a penny. What do you get when you give a lot, lot more. You get diamonds. Baubles don't satisfy, certainly not past the first couple bites. Diamonds, well, they're different.

And look, nothing is "in vain." It's only in vain if you don't have any thoughts about it, if you binge, don't exercise, don't drink water and then just zone out, like some airhead. If you can come here and think about all that as NOT what you want to be doing then you are still way ahead of the game. The goal is not the number on the scale. It's eating right and you know what that means. Maybe you'll never enjoy an apple but you'll eat it anyhow. It's about discipline and discipline is temporarily disassociating yourself from certain emotions, certain indulgences and doing what you've set out to do in spite of them. You will experience things you will never have been able to had you not done this. Do you know what it feels like to say, "I lost 100 friggin pounds! It was a **** of a lot of work and took incredible discipline but I did it. You bet." ???? Well, you WILL. That feeling is like NOTHING you will ever experience while eating a cupcake, like NOTHING you will ever experience if you don't press on with your journey now. Keep on keeping on, Shannon!

*****

Well, I got carried away there again. Sorry, others, Stormy, you too, I haven't lost weight, you haven't lost weight. We're not going to be part of those New Year's resolution losers though, are we? We are going to be winning losers -- WHATEVER it takes! Right?! Easter challenge. Easter bunny. If I can't weigh in a kilo lighter when that rabbit comes around I'm going to skin it alive . . and feed it to my cats. And you know I'd never do that. . so you know what choice that leaves me!

subpremeprincess -- thank you so much for your warm words too. Missing Tetchan still makes me cry. I guess it will always. But I'm kicking on. Good for you for being so good with the exercise. Ok, some junk food. No big deal. It more than balances out even if the scale doesn't show it. This is all about lifestyle changes, about revamping US! I hope your son gets better soon. For you to be exercising despite all this stress is really really commendable. Keep it up kid!


Crime girl, grasshopper, NBK, kjk, Jacque, where are you all? I guess I wasn't there much for you this week but your posts and kind words meant so much. I am better now and can connect again. Come in and chat. I'll be looking for you!

Red, I am still up for the challenge. Today is my cheat day. Tonight we are going out to eat with some friends at the Old Spaghetti Factory and then going to an arena football game. Pasta is a weakness of mine so I am looking forward to it. However, I almost feel guilty doing it since I have not dropped anything in a while. My husband said that he thinks I am losing inches so that made me feel a little better. Our nine year anniversary is in May and we are going on a diving trip to Mexico. This means wearing a wetsuit. For those who have not worn a wet suit, I feel like it is almost like being naked. Yes, you are fully covered and yes mine is black, which is supposed to be a "slimming" color, right? Well I think that weight suits show fat rolls and there is no covering up any sags, droops, etc. So now I am really wanting to lose weight before May 12 which is the day we leave. So besides my Easter goal, I now have 11 weeks to lose 20 pounds. This is reasonable if I lose 2 pounds a week. However, I think I hit a plateau. I was losing 2 pounds a week, pretty steadily, for a while. Now I can't drop a thing. So...I guess I have to kick it into gear even harder. The good news today is that my thighs are sore. I always love to be sore b/c I know that I broke down some muscle. In simple terms, when you break down muscle it has to grow, which means increased metabolism and fat burn, woohoo!

For a while I had stopped posting little bits of info for you guys. Well despite the craziness of school, I plan on starting to do this once or twice a week again. So here goes: Eating 250 extra calories a day (beyond the recommended 2000 cals. a day recommended for women who are not trying to lose weight) equals to gaining a half a pound a weeks. That is about 2 pounds a month! Yikes!

Okay- I have decided that feeling sorry for myself and worrying about whether I will graduate or not is of course not constructive. So- tomorrow I begin anew. I will exercise as many days of the week as I can and I will try my best to eat under 1600 calories a day. I can do this- I know I can. I just need to get up, dust myself off, get over myself, and do this. I don't know why I can't translate my study ethic for school over to my diet efforts. I think I am going to try to see it as a project. Something to work for and will try to set small goals only. I think the pressure of trying to lose so much before graduation just makes it feel hopeless. I do however think that trying for 2 pounds by March 4 and 8 pounds by the end of March is doable. So-I set my sights on that and although I tend to stumble as long as I limp over the line in the end- I will not be hard on myself and I will not quit.

Okay enough about my crap! I am also going to try to get everyone else fired up again and will try to get on the board and direct things a little better. Reinstate the question of the day and get Red her horoscopes. I will also try to focus us on whatever the daily focus is. So- tomorrow I switch us to Battle of the Bugle #13 and we will truck on!

I am not going to try to respond to everyone because I have been so disengage lately that it would take me forever. I promise when we switch over tomorrow I will be around more and I will answer back if you talk to me. I will say that I appreciate all the kind words and encouragement and the understanding that you all give. I know I can get back on the board without having to apologize but I am sorry I abandoned you all. I am feeling better now and am here for anyone who needs me.

Thank you everyone for all the support and I hope you are all doing really well! Have a wonderful night everyone and I will talk to you all tomorrow!