Not too long ago I was awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. After I had slowly come to my senses, I mustered the courage to go answer the door. There on my porch was a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.
"Not a chance" I said. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
Frustrated at the sleep I just lost, I closed the door and returned to bed.
"Who was that?" asked my wife, as I crawled back under the covers.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," I answered.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and pouring outside."
"Well, you have a short memory," my wife said. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
She was right. So I got up, dressed, and went out into the pounding rain.
"Hello, are you still there?" I called out into the dark, almost hoping there would be no reply.
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. The angel soon returned and reported, "Yes it is bad on earth. 95% of the population is wicked, while 5% is good."
God decided to send another angel for verification. When the second angel returned, he provided the following report: "The earth is truly in decline. 95% of the population is wicked, and only 5% is good."
God knew this was not good. He decided to send a letter to the 5% that were good to encourage them, and provide them with something to help them keep going. Do you know what that letter said? ...............
Just got this this morning, Ladies. Colonoscopy quotes
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there.
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One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
They ask,"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!)the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said," George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
Have sex once a year.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
Then the jig is up.
My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
Your therapist.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.
My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Yes, your bladder.
Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Depends on what you're doing with them.
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
Cause you're fatter then they are.
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
So what's your question?
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
Authorized personnel only-doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Where is the best place to store breast milk?
In your breasts.
Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
Yes, baby lips.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
How does one sanitize nipples?
Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
What are the terrible twos?
Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
When you see teeth marks.
What is the grasp reflex?
The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.
Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
What causes baby blues?
Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
What is colic?
A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
What are night terrors?
Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
Saw this on AOL...these are real excuses that people have come in for missing work.
Weird Excuses For Calling In Sick
--I was sprayed by a skunk.
--I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.
--My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.
--I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.
--I forgot to come back to work after lunch.
--I couldn't find my shoes.
--I hurt myself bowling.
--I was spit on by a venomous snake.
--I totaled my wive's jeep in a collision with a cow.
--A hitman was looking for me.
--My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.
--I eloped.
--My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.
--My cat unplugged my alarm clock.
--I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.
--I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India (note: she passed awasy 20 years before).
--I forgot what day of the week it was.
--Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.
--A tree fell on my car.
--My monkey died.
Wonder if the people that gave these excuses still have their jobs! Okay, I can believe the tree falling on your car because I have seen it happen when we had an ice storm and severe thunderstorms and maybe someone's monkey dying, because there are people that have pet monkey's and some people get attached to their pets...but the rest of these?! Yikes! Sound silly especially if you need that job. Of course V has told me some silly excuses the guys at work give.
An elderly lady called 911 on her cell phone to report that
her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she
explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen
the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the
accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
Not too long ago I was awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. After I had slowly come to my senses, I mustered the courage to go answer the door. There on my porch was a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. 
