Happy Friday everyone!

I feel almost normal this morning. Today is my Friday off, so my vacation has officially begun! Yay!! Well, sort of... I tried to get everything done and my desk cleared off yesterday and worked until 7:30 p.m. and still didn't get everything finished, so I need to go in for a little bit sometime this weekend. I can't believe how much work we've had lately. Mike got home yesterday and we're planning on going to the fair today. I think it's going to be another bad eating day, but you have to have all that good food when you go to the fair, right?

Ang: I really enjoy your posts, so don't shorten them because you feel you have to. It's great to know what is going on in your life and you're so supportive of everyone, so don't worry about it. It's really good that you've noticed your eating gets better when your emotional life is going well- although this can't always be the case, I agree that you should take advantage of it while you can and maybe during these times it can become more of a habit for you. Your lunch probably could have been better yesterday, but I know exactly how you feel about not wanting to pass up a free lunch! In my last department, we'd order lunch in for meetings twice a month, and I was making such little money that it was a really good deal to get free food! I think your decision to not go to the family get together was a good one. Spend some quality time with your brother when you can and enjoy your time alone with him. I actually have a family thing to go to next weekend in Fresno, which is about a 4 hour drive from here. And most of the people who will be there are cousins I see MAYBE once a year, but it's at my favorite aunt's house, so I'm looking forward to seeing her and my uncle. Problem is, it's like 105 degrees there. I'm just thankful they have air conditioning! I hope you have a great weekend with your bf and everything goes well. You seem much happier these days. On the vegitarian thing: I guess I stopped because I was getting sick a lot and thought that might have had something to do with it. I started back slow, with fish like tuna and worked up from there. I also didn't eat any animal products except milk and eggs, so it was a pretty drastic lifestyle change for me at the time. It does make it hard when you're in a relationship with someone who eats meat, especially when you're doing the cooking. Mike is such a meat eater, so it would be hard for me. I still enjoy soy products though, and should probably eat them more often. The soybeans that I've had that weren't processed are the "edamame" at sushi restaurants. You can also buy them frozen in their pods. They taste really good with a little salt and you can eat them like you would nuts, just pop them out of the pods and eat them plain.

Mette: I will join Ang in telling you what an awsome job you are doing with your eating and exercising. You are certainly helping to inspire the rest of us and I appreciate that! You did very well to run and lift weights yesterday. I'm pretty sure the increased hunger is a really good sign, because you're metabolism is probably picking up. As far as if I'm intimidated at the gym: it's kind of like the grocery thing I was telling you about before. I was very confident when I was in great shape, but now I have that nagging voice telling me that everyone is going to think I'm the poor fat girl trying to lose weight and feel sorry for me or think I don't know what I'm doing. I do a pretty good job of drowning that voice out, but it's still there. That's why it helps me to focus on my form, because I really do the exercises correctly, and to have a plan when I go in, written down on my 3x5 card. I feel more confident then.

I'll certainly miss you both this weekend! Of course I'll be around more next week since I won't be at work, so we'll catch up then. So far I have a couple of scheduled things I need to do, but overall just some general things I'd like to do for myself:

Today: Fair
Saturday: Vet for the kitten
Sunday: Work for 2 hours
Next Friday: Drive to Fresno for the weekend

Clean house, move and organize furnature, swim, run at the track, exercise at the gym, lunch with girlfriends, get hair done, lay by the pool and read, manicure and pedicure, facial (all at home, of course) motorcycle riding with my step-dad (did I ever mention I ride motorcycles?), gardening (start herb garden), farmer's market, coffee and reading at Starbucks, walk at the beach

That's all I can think of right now, but that's a lot of stuff. I'm really looking forward to doing some good stuff for me.

Renee: How are you doing today? Did you get your internet back? I'm so glad your sister and brother-in-law are going to watch what they eat. That was your big hurdle, and now they are on board with you! That's awsome. I hope your BIL does well on the diet and will be ok.

Allright, time to get moving. Hope everyone has a great Friday!

Happy Vacation Jessica!

Where is Renee? I hope things are going better at work.

Jessica - I am so relieved that you are feeling better. I can't believe you have to work this weekend though. Do you think you will be at the office for very long? I hope not. You deserve the relaxation and to not have to think about work.

Yippee that Mike came home. I hope you have a wonderful time at the fair. What type of fair is it? Do you have favorite fair foods? I like funnel cakes but otherwise don't go crazy over fair food. I guess I'm lucky that way. I hope you enjoyed though and don't feel guilty. If you are going to eat the food then go ahead and thoroughly enjoy it.

Thanks for reminding me about soy nuts. I used to get them at a health food store in VA. I think I need to find a health food store around here. I can tell I need to shop because I am running out of my staples. I had to have a SlimFast shake this morning because I ran out of berries and it was too wet to go pick any. Lunch was my sandwich from yesterday (health nut bread, chicken breast and lf cheese), carrots, apple and a little macaroni salad (work provided and too much mayo - should have passed but...). I'm assuming bf will cook tonight but we'll see. I am trying to take advantage of the better swing in attitude. Let's hope I can continue it. I am hoping to run in the morning while bf runs an errand that I'm not invited to go on. No problem, the run is probably better for me.

I hope you have a good time next weekend. I think it makes all the difference when you are going to see some people that you truly want to see. Will Mike go with you? I have not heard a response from my sil - I hope they are not mad that I'm not coming. Too bad even if they are.

mette and Jessica - a different perspective on how we feel when in the gym. When I see someone larger than me working out (gym or on street) I am impressed and wish them all the best because they are out there trying to get healthier. Most fit people were unfit at some point and understand the difficulty of the journey. Everyone is at the gym for basically the same reason and I hope that most people are supportive of others efforts. The muscle heads that aren't supportive are jerks and not worth worrying about. You go show them what you can do!

Jessica, it sounds like you have a lot of good things planned for the week. I hope you are able to do all you want to do and nothing if that's what you decide. I'll try to check in tomorrow.

Have a great night!

Morning all,

I know you won't read this until Monday, but I thought I'd check in and say hi anyway. Yesterday was a really good day! Mike and I went to the county fair for a few hours, bought some trinkets we didn't really need, ate some food we didn't really need, looked at the animals/livestock (the baby calf was the cutest thing!) and just walked around and looked at stuff. It was really nice. After that, he took me to buy me a new computer! Wow, what a nice guy, huh? I'd been complaining about my old laptop I used for months because it had a horrible habit of crashing all the time. He said he didn't want me to be frustrated anymore, and bought me a new one. It's not a laptop, but it has pretty much all the bells and whistles and was reasonably priced, so I let him get it for me. He laughs at me because he practically has to force me to let him do nice things for me. I tell him I'm just low maintenance. Anyway, I spent last night cleaning up the computer area (my dining room table) and setting up the new toy, loading software, etc. So far it's been behaving perfectly, plays DVDs, burns CDs, has great speakers, and is very fast. I'm thrilled.

I didn't eat as much junk at the fair as I was anticipating, which was good. I had a polish sausage sandwich, fries, a regular Pepsi, and a carmel apple. Dinner was just a ww tortilla quesadilla with salsa and guacamole. Not good, but not really terrible either. I've been thinking, though, that maybe "free days" aren't so good for me, since it seems that I have less resolve to eat healthy the following week. Maybe it's like an alcoholic who can never have another drink lest he falls off the wagon. Just something for me to think about.

Today I take the kitten to the vet for his rabies shot, and I really need to get groceries. Other than that, no big plans.

Renee: You weren't around yesterday; I hope everything is ok! Check in when you have a chance.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend so far. I expect a full report on Monday!

Hi Jessica - I am here so I am glad you wrote. I am so happy that you had a good day yesterday. The fair sounds like loads of fun. You are so lucky to have such a nice man in your life. Good for you that you let him do nice things for you once in a while. You deserve it. Anyway, you need a computer so you can write to us.

Please let us know what you decide about your free days. Do you feel like you are forcing yourself to eat unhealthy on the free days? If you have truly made lifestyle changes, which it sounds like you have, then each day should be like the last and the next. I would just say that once in a while you should indulge in things that you truly want at that time (like at the fair). You shouldn't force yourself to free eat just because you can though. It is something to think about, why you eat 'worse' the week after. Hmmm....

My report on the first half of the weekend is that bf was in no hurry to see me last night (he had errands and did not want me to join him) so we didn't get together until almost 9pm. Good news is that I saw an old friend at the farm that I had been missing for a couple of weeks. It was nice to catch up. She bought a bike so we might go mountain biking together, which would be fun. bf and I watched a movie (a bad movie) and 1/2 of another one. Bed and then when we woke up he was off to do more errands (again without me). I spent the day jogging (43 minutes) and doing my own thing on the farm. The old man (the farmer who owns the property) was there the whole time and we would talk during my breaks. The veggie stand was not busy but I got to pick some veggies and sold a couple of things. It is a little disappointing that more people did not stop by since it is Saturday and the weather was beautiful. bf came back to land and I watched him fix a tractor. OK, so maybe it doesn't sound like fun to you gals but I love learning about things and I don't know a whole lot about tractors. I also like spending the day in my farming jeans and getting dirty. I am so not girly. bf was off to have dinner with friends (of course, I was not invited - getting the theme here ) and I came home to my house. Eating was not great today - heat and unstructured routine does that to me. No breakfast (not totally comfortable making my own breakfast at bf's house), lunch was a lot of Bing cherries, half a roll, 1 bbq chicken tender, a tiny bit of chocolate muffin, a couple of munchos. Dinner was the rest of lunch basically with an eggplant instead of fruit. I could have done without the muffin though as it is sitting in my stomach like a ton of bricks. I think maybe I have been eating a little better and my stomach doesn't appreciate it when I eat total crap. Could this be? I can only hope so. I will try to remember this feeling the next time.

Oh, I also forgot to mention the two diet pepsi and run. Not proud of this but I was/am just so upset that I put up with the **** I do from bf. I am just mad at myself for not taking the time to make my own life. I just don't like my life and would rather be a part of other people's. I know it's pathetic but I'm trying to be honest with myself (and you all).

Tonight is just me, the computer and the television. If I'm up for it I will go running at 7am (6 miles) with friends. As much as I don't want to get up, I think it would be good for me to see some people and try to strengthen the new friendships I am trying to build.

Jessica- enjoy your relaxing weekend. I hope your kitten is fine. I just got a new vet for my two cats. They go in for their yearly shots in 10 days. I hope the vet is nice. And aren't cats just so cute - especially as kittens?

Hi Ang,

I'm so glad you posted too! I just got up from a late afternoon nap. I've been so tired lately! It's not unusual for me, in general, but I've had so much energy since I've been losing weight, it's more noticable when I'm feeling on the lethargic side. Yawn!

Your day hanging out on the farm sounds so relaxing and enjoyable. I don't think it sounds weird at all. When I was a kid, my grandpa always had a large garden. He grew tomatoes, strawberries, onions, grapes, persimmons, and a lot I'm sure I can't remember. He even had a "worm farm" where he cultivated worms to use fishing. I loved watching him out there, and digging the worms out of the ground with him. ewwww... My favorite summer memory was eating the fresh tomatoes he grew, standing over the sink with a salt shaker eating them like apples. They were so good! I'm glad you enjoyed your day there.

As far as the bf is concerned, I don't think I need to point out to you how awful he's being. When you describe your time with him, it comes accross like more of an inconvenience than a relationship. I'm all for having independence when you're a couple, but you have to have the "couple" part to have the independence from it. I don't think your relationship is completely to blame for how you feel about yourself, but it's no wonder your self-esteem is low when you're being left out of his life and left behind like that. Anyway, that's my rant on that, I just have been in similar situations and I know it can be really unpleasant.

I hope you're ok tonight and enjoy your time at home. The run in the morning sounds like just the thing; I really hope you make it. You're inspiring me to look for similar groups in my area; I'd like to meet some new people that I have something in common with.

And the kitties: yes, they are so cute. My kitten is about 4 months now, so he's getting bigger, and he's such a little monster sometimes, but so adorable. I'll try to post some pictures on my blog.

I didn't go shopping today, so it was another less than desireable food day. I'll get back on track this next week and will have time to exercise, too! Let me know how your run goes tomorrow. Have a great night!

Good morning all!

Hope it's been a good weekend for everyone. I got very organized this morning and used a program on my new computer to plan my meals for the week, write my shopping list and set a schedule for my week off. Whether or not I actually stick to the schedule has yet to be seen, but at least I've tried! I'm getting ready to go into work for a bit (ack, yuck, I don't wanna...) and do the shopping. I think this afternoon will be family time- I'll go visit my folks and my grandparents, the gratuitous weekly visits. Sometimes I really do wish I lived further away.

Ang, did you have your run this morning? I hope you did and that you enjoyed it. Were you going to see the bf today?

I don't have much to report. My weekends tend to be so mundane, it's pretty much the same routine every week. I need to get out more...

Looking forward to getting everyone's updates on the weekend tomorrow. Talk to you all then!

Hi guys – you’ve been busy posting this weekend! Great to come back and see you both have had good weekends! But where is Renee?
I just got back home: I’m tired and hungry – and very glad to be home!
A short post just to say hi!

Ang – nice to hear you had a good day at the farm – and yes, you should get the BF to cook for you everyday! Your eating is looking good, and your exercising is looking great: both running and biking! Great work!
And don’t shorten your posts! I like your posts long! Just like Jessica do!
Sorry that the BF-thing didn’t go so well; that he doesn’t invite you with him. Is it that he’s not used to having girlfriends, do you think? If that’s the case, you will have to tell him what’s expected from him as a BF!
And it's not pathetic that you want to be part of his life. I mean, he’s your BF! Of course you should want to be part of his life! I totally agree with Jessica (on her rant)!

Jessica – how great that you’ve started your vacation! Your plans for the week sound so great! And the motorcycle riding sounds best of all!
Nice to hear you had a good weekend - the fair sounded like the perfect weekend-thing to do. And congratulations on your new computer (and the nice BF who gave it to you!)
It’s interesting what you’re saying about the free day – I’ve seen people think different things about it. You think that by eating a lot on Sunday (do you weigh in on Sunday morning?) – you eat more the rest of the week too?
What I see is that the weigh-in I do on Monday mornings effects my eating – with good results I eat better that week. It’s a bit strange, but I suppose it’s about being motivated by good results.

As for my weekend: I’ll talk more about it later – but exercise and eating did not go well. I didn’t get anything done exercise-wise Friday and Saturday, today I’ll do yoga. I need to get my body to relax and de-stress!
I tried – really tried – to make good choices with food, but I didn’t do so well. It has something to do with having bad food to choose from: the food was full-fat, white, no-grains, sugared, no fruits, lots of dressing on all the vegetables – and with me trying to be polite and eat what I’m being served.
Even if I tried to restrict myself and not eat much – trying to eat fewer calories on that kind of food only leaves me hungry. I mean, how can you get full on white bread? I would have to eat half a bread to get to a point where I feel satisfied. One slice of bread feels like nothing when eaten!

Ah well. I’m home now. Tomorrow is the start of another week where I’ll eat the good stuff – proper food – every day. Lots of vegetables, my oatmeal for breakfast, low-fat cheese and lots of fruits and berries!

And Ang and Jessica – you are both so supportive and say so nice things about my exercising and eating, I want to thank you for that. I’ve been a bit worried the last couple of weeks because I’ve been so hungry all the time – and I know I can’t live like that for a long period of time. So I’ll see this week – I’ll eat more protein and maybe more calories too.
Talk to you guys later! It's so good to be back!

Good evening ladies!

The weekend is over and I'm still feeling relaxed, not running around trying to get my life in order before Monday! I am so happy I decided to take this time off. I thought I'd let you know I posted on my blog tonight, and also posted a picture of Colby (my kitten) in all of his relaxing cat glory. Hope you guys like the photo. I have another similar one of his bigger, older twin (Colby is like the "Mini-Me" of Mr. Red) that I will have to post. They are the most relaxed creatures on the planet, for sure!

mette: I'm so glad you're home! I'm sorry your weekend wasn't good. I know what you mean about the junk food. I think it's just a vicious cycle with nutritionally dificient food. They have more calories, and then you eat more of them to feel satisfied. Ugh. I know you'll get right back on track; in fact it's good for you to see just how awful it makes you feel. Makes your healthy eating all that more appealing. What is your school schedule like now? Are you working and/or going to classes part time? Will you still have time for yourself and your gym and running routine? How was your yoga today? I was thinking about checking our class schedule at the gym and maybe trying to squeeze in a yoga class this week. That's a good idea!

I finally did my grocery shopping today. I feel so much better now that my fridge is cleaned out and stocked with healthy food again. I have my meals planned out for the week and hopefully didn't overshop- that's one thing I run into, especially with veggies; I buy too much and 1/2 of it goes bad. Anyway, I'm looking forward to a cleansing week of good food and exercise.

Ang: How was your Sunday? I thought about you today, and wish there was more I could do to help you right now. I know we're all strangers here, but I really want the best for you and hope that you will always come to us when you're struggling. I know that you guys help me a lot.

I hope Renee is ok. Do you think the internet police banned her from the web entirely?

Anyway, I'll be around this week more than usual, so if I'm posting too much, tell me to quit typing!

Hope everyone has a wonderful week.

P.S.- I weighed in today and thankfully, have not gained despite taking the road paved with junkfood the last two weeks. Didn't lose either but I was just happy to maintain...

PPS: I'm posting an article I read on ivillage.com tonight. Although I think it's already stuff we know, I thought it was really interesting. All of us are working through the steps outlined in the article, and I think we're on the right path!

Nite all!

__________________________________________________ ____________

Study Highlights Keys to Weight Loss
They include readiness to take action, and increased self-confidence

-- Robert Preidt


THURSDAY, Aug. 5 (HealthDayNews) -- Similar patterns that led to consistent changes in behavior were identified in 18 women who successfully lost weight, a new study finds.

The weight loss ranged from 15 to 144 pounds for at least a year, according to the Yale University study in a recent issue of Nursing Science Quarterly.

The 18 women lost 10 percent of their body weight and kept that weight off for at least a year. The study identified six similar patterns among the women. They included:

Before losing weight, the women were self-conscious, vulnerable and unaware of events that contributed to their weight gain.

The women recognized their problem, displayed a readiness to take action, and decided to make changes.

The women took control and actively engaged in behavior change.

The women incorporated new behaviors, used some type of support system to reinforce their behavior changes, and displayed increased confidence, self-esteem and control of their lives.

"Participants moved fluidly through one pattern to the next and many times fell back to a previous pattern before moving on. Once participants moved to the sixth pattern, they were able to maintain weight loss," study author Diane Berry, a postdoctoral fellow at Yale School of Nursing, said in a prepared statement.

All 18 women had memberships in a weight-loss support program and incorporated exercise into their lifestyles.

"The women who maintained their weight loss were more aware of their trigger foods and portion sizes, and they all exercised regularly. They also recognized it is something they will have to work at for the rest of their lives," Berry said.

Jessica – hope you’re having a great Monday morning today! No stupid office to run off to or anything!
Ang – hope you’re having a great Monday morning also – although yours is probably spent at work or on the way over…
Still no Renee?

And hey – nobody has ever posted too much here! Will you guys quit saying things like that!
Write long and often, both of you!

Jessica, the article was very good – taking control, changing behavior, exercising – just like what we’re doing! Just confirming we do it right – yey!

My schedule starts off with full days at school this week. After having a week completely off, I’m going from 0 to 100. Which is fine.
I’ll have a job as a TA this semester too, but it doesn’t start up until early September – I think. And in addition to the psychology-program I’m going to do an extra class on gender and literature on a different faculty – just because I want to. I’ve done some feminism/gender classes before – and every time they start up with new ones I try to make time for it. This year it’s literature, and I haven’t done that before – so hopefully it will be fun.
My running and gym routine – I don’t think that will be a problem – I’ll continue running on Tuesday/Thursday mornings – and do the gym in afternoons instead of mornings. It’ll probably be a lot more people there – but that only means that I’ll get more chances to confront my anxieties and fears – and talk to people, right???
The biggest challenge will be food I think – I will have to pack lunch and possibly two small meals every day. Protein bar and a fruit for one of the small meals, maybe? Home-made bread w/cheese& peppers and a fruit or carrot for lunch? I don’t know yet. I’ll have to start making bread again too, for the last week I’ve been eating oatmeal pancake for lunch every opportunity I found! Heh.

Ah well. It’ll be nice to get started again I suppose. As for the weekend – I suppose it’s quite obvious that I don’t have the best and closest relationships with my parents by now. They got divorced when I was about 20, and I got really, really disappointed in both of them – they behaved really stupidly toward each other – and tried to pull everybody else into it too. Childish and egoistic and cruel and …. the list just goes on and on. I haven’t liked them much since actually.
Anyway. My father got married again and had two children – my half-brothers. They’re twins and about 9 years now. I like my stepmother quite well, but the children not so much. I think they’re spoiled and whiny – but it could be just me.
I had another brother that I grew up with – he was two years older than me, and was married and had 4 children, but he died in an accident 4 years ago. My sister in law and her children (my nieces and nephews) live in the same town as my father, so I got to visit her too this weekend. And her children I actually like!
Well. It’s done. I’m home.

Now. As for the weight – the scale was surprisingly kind this morning. Maybe it had something to do with eating little, getting my period before the weekend, fluctuations, I don’t know. But I’m starting to think that I don’t want to lose more weight. I know I planned to lose weight through October, but right now I think I’m changing that plan. When I get to 183 I will have lost 60lbs in total, and I’ll go on to maintaining that for at least 9 months instead.
I’m having a lot of mixed feelings lately: my body feels both different and the same – I feel both thinner and fat – I look at my self and sometimes I don’t see any change, other times I see changes.
I have always struggled with figuring out how to deal with my body when it changes. It’s part of the yoyo-pattern too. The underlying feeling is that I don’t want my body to change. I want my body to be stable, solid, and the one thing I can depend on. The other side is of course that I want to be thin – so getting thin and getting used to change is a very slow process.
And I think this is right for me: to slow down when I’m starting to feel like the ground under me is slipping a little; I need to use some time to get my balance back. And at 183 I still will have lost 25lbs since April. So yes, I think it’s time to go back to maintaining and try to figure out how I’ll get used to my body again.

Anyway – talking about long posts! And look: I’m not saying I’ll post shorter next time!!!
Hope everybody is having a great Monday!

Good morning guys!

Well, I kept looking at the clock this morning as it neared 8 a.m., feeling like I was going to be late for work. Ha ha, jokes on them! So far I haven't been terribly productive, although I did manage to make a Western Union payment on my car (which in all of my chaos last week I forgot to put in the mail- the check is written and the envelope is stamped and everything... major blonde moment.) I'm getting ready to start cleaning house. I know, not a very "vacation-ey" thing to do, but I know if my house is clean, I'll enjoy the rest of my week a lot more. And i actually woke up at 6:30 this morning. Amazing how easy it is to get up early when you know you don't "have" to do anything!

Renee: So glad everything is ok. Sounds like you had an awsome weekend! We saw all the horses at the fair on Friday; they are so beautiful and I would love to go riding. Maybe I'll make that one of my rewards, maybe at 30 lbs.? And the Ren faire- I go every year to the big one here in So. Cal. in San Bernadino. We also get dressed up and everything. Our costumes are a collaborative effort (as only one of us really sews). I didn't get to go this year because of the sick-cat incedent, which is also what caused my fallout with my friend. I still don't know if they had a good time. I know for sure there was a lot of drinking and corrousing, though!

mette: You are so in-tune with yourself and your body. I really admire that. And your patience and understanding with yourself is to be applauded. So many of us want instant gratification, or it just doesn't feel worth the effort. I assume this approach was developed through years of trial and error? Sixty pounds is really amazing. And that you're either losing/maintaining at all times. Maintaining is the hard part, isn't it? As far as your parents are concerned, I can see where you would somewhat lose respect for them when you describe what their divorce was like. As for me, my parents were divorced when I was six, and mom married my step-father about a year later. They will celebrate their 20th anniversary this September and my brother and I are going to take them to a little coastal town called Cambria for their anny. It's their favorite vacation spot. It was my idea, but he's the one with the money, so big bro rented a house for 5 days. I don't know how much fun it will be for me (Mike's not going) but maybe the quality time with them will be good. I adore my brother, so time spent with him is always good.

Anyway, this is all just stalling my cleaning efforts (purposfully, of course!) so I better wrap it up. Have a good Monday, all.

And Ang, hope you're alright. Drop us a post when you can, k?

Sorry I was gone again. Sometimes I just can't look at my computer at home and there is no time at work these days for work, let alone e-mail. I need to get some sleep so I'm just letting you know that I am here. I will catch up tomorrow. Glad to see mette and Renee are back. Things in general are fine, just unmotivated. Maybe I need to move my computer. The office is just the last room in the house that I want to be in these days.

Until tomorrow then...

Good morning,

Hope everyone is having a nice Tuesday. I slept until 9 this morning and was awoke by a call from Mike. He's back from sea and will be home later this morning. Yesterday I did a lot of stuff, went swimming, layed by the pool and started a new book, ran errands, rearranged my furniture, vacuumed, visited with my parents, and ate all my healthy meals I had planned. It was really nice to relax and move at my own pace with no pressures of having to be anywhere. The only part of my day that wasn't all that pleasant was visiting my parents. My mom is struggling at work and I know dealing with my grandparents on a daily basis is dragging her and my step-dad down. He's just moody and you can never quite tell what kind of mood he'll be in. Anyway, it's just kind of unpleasant to be there. And again, I'm almost 30 and still feel like I'm living my life to please them. I talk primarilly about my job, because I know that's the one thing I do in my life that they are supportive of. Anyway, I did it, and I just hope that maybe on our "vacation" together, we can do a little more bonding and I can open up to them. We'll see. The good thing that I've noticed is that my mom has stopped drinking. All growing up and until about 2 months ago, if it was after 5 p.m., she always had a glass of wine in her hand. I never really paid attention to how much she drank, but little by little I started noticing her behavior after 7 p.m. or so, and she was pretty well buzzed most evenings. Anyway, I don't know what caused her to stop, but it's a good thing. My step-dad still drinks, but he stopped smoking almost two years ago. They're making progress, I guess.

Anyway, enough about that. Today I do laundry, will run at the track and try to do upper body at the gym. I swam yesterday, but only for like 10 minutes, so I want to do some more cardio today. We'll see how it goes.

Ang: glad to hear everything's alright. Like I mentioned, my pc is on my dining room table. My place is so small my living room, dining room and kitchen are all together, so it's pretty easy for me to cruise the internet and not feel like I'm locked in an office. Moving yours might be just the trick, if that's what you want to do. I know we're all happy when you're here!

Alright, that's about it for me, looking forward to hearing about everyone's day!

Talk to everyone later.

I'm about halfway through all of the posts I missed - yikes - and I realized that I need to get ready to go home. I have to get to an appointment at 5:30pm and last time I left work a little late I didn't make it. You never know about traffic around here.

No errand I guess. I just a call that I need to attend to something at work. I hate this - when is it my time?

Ang

Renee – the horse back riding sounds wonderful! And also – wish you a stress-free week at work, and some negative test results!

Jessica – so nice to hear you’re enjoying your vacation! Good for you that you cleaned: it’s so true that it’s easier to enjoy the rest of the week with a clean house!

And yes – I have done years of trials and errors when it comes to my body. I’ve done every eating disorder there is, I’ve done all the Geneen Roth books, Fat is a feminist issue books, I’ve been in therapy, I’ve been fat, I’ve been skinny – and everything in between. Some of us are just a bit slow when it comes to figuring things out, you know???
When I maintained my weight the last year and a half, it wasn’t that hard for me: I enjoyed eating more and feeling more relaxed. My weight fluctuated a bit – but not very much. One of the main thing I learned about my body was that it’s not completely out of control. Basically I can keep my weight stable – at least I could at the weight I maintained then. I’m curious to see if it will be as easy when my weight is 25lbs less. I hadn’t planned to keep maintaining for such a long period of time last time: I just resisted starting losing weight again – I know restrictions are no fun, and had a hard time getting started again. But once I got started it’s sort of easy.

You and your brother are really very nice to arrange the anniversary for your mother and stepfather! Too bad that Mike’s not coming though – did he not want to, or didn’t you want him there?

Jessica – the ‘swimming and laying by the pool’ part of your day sounds absolutely wonderful! Sorry that you struggle with your parents too – and you’re right: the vacation might be a good opportunity for a bit more openness.

Ang – good to see that you keep in touch with us!

I did my first day back today, and it was very nice to see people again. There was a lot of catching up to do, and the weather was nice so we ended up in the park eating ice cream. Well, except for me – I had café au lait instead. And I’m starting to look forward to eating more calories….
Hope you’re all having good Tuesdays.

I am home from my track workout. The running sucked because I haven't done speed work in so long, but it was good to get out there. I guess I'll never get better if I don't keep trying. I have also been seriously looking into gyms in the area. I thought I was going to get a health benefit from my insurance but not until next year. I just don't know if I can justify the cost of a gym membership right now, particularly since there are such large start up fees. If I would just get my butt moving I wouldn't need a gym. I have everything I need really. We'll see after I think about it and price all of the clubs in town. We have 4 or 5.

To get it out of the way, I had a big talk with bf on Sunday morning and told him almost everything I have been feeling. I am proud of myself for telling him and standing up for myself. He gave me a lot of good answers but we did not have time to finish the conversation because he was getting ready to go to work. Unfortunately the truth is that he doesn't really know what it is like to be in a loving relationship and his work right now doesn't give us time to teach him. I'm being patient for now and hoping that he will follow through with making time for me so we can finish the talk. If nothing else, I am getting things off of my chest and he is really learning how I feel. One way or another I am getting closer to closure and that feels good. I'll let you if anything develops. mette - from what I know the bf has had one minor relationship (dated for 4 months) in the last 4 years. He is very independent and definitely not aware of what is 'expected' in a serious relationship. I just have to see if after all this time a relationship is what he wants, if not there is no point trying to teach him. During our talk on Sunday he did admit that he does not communicate well. I told him we need to work on that so if he is willing then things should only get better. Time will tell.

Jessica - you seem to be doing great with your vacation. Yeah! I envy your organization. I don't think I could plan my meals if my life depending on it.

mette - I am so sorry that you did not have a good weekend. It is over though and just think about how much you can appreciate what you have at home and be proud of the things you have changed in your life for the better. Sometimes 'going home' really lets you know where you were and shows you a new perspective on where you are now. Do you feel like you are back into your own routine again?

Jessica - do you own your own motorcycle? I rode on the back of one once and it was great! It was a little surprising to hear from you though. A great thing though.

Let's all agree that there will never be too much posting! The more the better.

Jessica - thanks for posting the article. I actually think I had seen that before but it is nice to be reminded of what is important and to keep on the right path, more importantly to feel like you are on the right path. I think I personally feel a little better because I although not perfect, I am making better food choices and I am exercising (even if not enough yet). Today I went to the market and picked up a homemade brownie (my favorite) and put it down. Later I thought about it and realized that I never would have put it down before and by not eating it I saved myself calories and guilt. My life is not less because I did not have the brownie, maybe it's even better. So even if I don't always make the good choice, for every good choice I am a little bit closer to being the healthier me and that has got to stand for something. btw - if things stay the way they are, I may actually have lost a couple of pounds. For the last couple of days I have weighed in at 184.6. Of course I have a screwy scale so who knows, but I'll take all of the positive reinforcement that I can right now. Usually I lose over a weekend but by Wednesday it is back - not so this week so maybe it's a real change.

mette - when you decide what your eating plan is going to be at school please post. I'd love to see what snack ideas you come up with. I think you are doing a great job with planning out your schedule though so you can accomplish all of your goals with your health and school.

mette - I am happy for you that the scale was kind. How much did you lose this week or was it the same? I am amazed that you have lost 25 lbs since April. That is inspiring and awesome. Although I can't say that I have felt all of the feelings that you are describing, I have had body image problems and can understand that you are struggling. I am proud of you for understanding yourself well enough to know what you need to do to be successful in your journey to be healthier. Your ultimate success will definitely be dependent on your stability. It takes a lot of effort to make changes in our lives.

Welcome back Renee. I'm glad you had a good weekend (horsebac riding sounds wonderful0 and it seems that you should have a less stressful week. How are you going to fit anything into your stomack in a bodice? It might end up being a very good food weekend. Another negative test, great. Do you have any other idea what might be the problem? Are you usually regular? Any thought to seeing your ob/gyn to ease your mind?

If you get any good food ideas in the SBD forum let us know - Renee. I'm glad you are taking some initiative with your eating. By the time your sister is ready you will have a jump start. Although I totally understand about eating crap when you are tired, in the long run you will have more energy if you can eat well.

Jessica - anything you choose to do on your vacation is right because you choose to do it. If a clean house makes you feel good then clean away. It's always different when you can do things by choice and at your own pace. When I 'have to' do something I tend not to do it. I know its psychological but that's life. I know that I need a day off and I just may end up cleaning my house on that day too. I know if I cleaned I would feel a lot better. It just gets overwhelming and I can't get started. Just enjoy your time. It sounds like you are doing great and fun things. I envy you.

Having been around people who drink more than I would like at times, I am so happy for you Jessica that your mother stopped drinking. Does you step-dad drink a lot?

mette - when you get to your maintaining period please share more details with us, as I am sure you will. Unlike you I have never been thin. It is very hard for me to lose weight and I have never been able to maintain since I am always trying to lose. When the time comes I will have questions - lots of them I'm sure.

I'm glad everyone's week is going well. My subject this afternoon was completed. He was the first out of four this week. We are having a lot of problems with cancellations and no shows. We are supposed to have two more tomorrow so we'll see how much other work I get done. At least I can't say that I am bored at work anymore.

Goodnight all.