Thank you ladies for all of your concern, kind words, and encouragement. You will be happy to know that I got the strength I needed to completely block him out of my life. I have his number blocked from contacting my phone and I blocked him on facebook. It will be absolutely impossible for this man to reach me and thus hurt me any longer.
I didn't give him a warning either. I felt he deserved no explanation. Talking to him about how miserable he makes me feel does nothing because he tries to talk me out of it with empty words and no changed actions. He is no good for my well being in any way, shape, or form.
I went to see both my counselor and my med check nurse today and both are concerned that I have been misdiagnosed with major depression when I show more signs of a personality disorder. Both bi-polar and borderline were thrown at me as a possible diagnosis. I don't care what I am, I just need help getting better.
I was told to continue taking my prozac and I was prescribed topemax. Hopefully with this medication I will find relief soon. God knows I need it.
So...here I go back on my journey of self-transformation. Learning to fall in love with myself, establish my worth, and not letting anyone in to take that away from me ever, ever again.
(((BIG HUGS)))
Last edited by TransformingToni; 04-01-2011 at 03:58 PM.
Thank you ladies for all of your concern, kind words, and encouragement. You will be happy to know that I got the strength I needed to completely block him out of my life. I have his number blocked from contacting my phone and I blocked him on facebook. It will be absolutely impossible for this man to reach me and thus hurt me any longer.
I didn't give him a warning either. I felt he deserved no explanation. Talking to him about how miserable he makes me feel does nothing because he tries to talk me out of it with empty words and no changed actions. He is no good for my well being in any way, shape, or form.
Good for you! He doesn't deserve an explanation because, as far as I'm concerned, those who treat other people like trash are subhuman. And you're right, the more you talk and open up to hurtful manipulators, the more ammunition you give them to use against YOU.
I'm glad your counselor and physician/nurse are concerned and helpful. Hopefully the new medication will help. I hope you have a lovely (d'bag free) weekend and take care of yourself!
That hit home for me too. I've done such stupid things and lost myself for that validation. I'd become whatever I felt they wanted..they all say I was great but when I look back I feel so fake and ashamed that I lost myself for attention and "love". I can't truly be loved unless I love and be myself. That's the hardest thing. It's hard to realise that a guy's attention isn't the same as loving myself and being truly happy.
Thanks so much for posting, I think it helps a lot of us realise we aren't alone.
Reading this thread makes me so sad. It doesn't have to be that way ladies! I guess we all cope in different ways.
My mom married my dad because she thought no one else ever would. She didn't love him, but did later. And she could have done better, but she had no confidence. She was a little overweight and felt like no one would marry a fat woman. She told me the same thing and I believed it for a long time.
So... as I got older and matured, I had similar insecurities and I became pretty asexual. I didn't want to be thought of in a sexual way as I wasn't sexy!
But at 22, I realized "If I don't change my head about this, I'm going to be alone at 33, 44, and so on." So, I started getting some counseling (in a group in college) and started working on my sexual health - my confidence in my body as much as in my mind.
Not so ironically, just as I was getting my head on straight, I met my husband to be. (and a lot of other guys started taking interest too). And he is quite a catch! He's handsome, thin, very intelligent, educated, witty and very kind and very highly regarded and liked. Well, this FAT girl married him. I was just under 200 at the time and have weighed as much as 275 while with him.
Never once did I doubt our relationship. My problem was in my head. So much of beauty is how you present yourself too - your confidence.
Guys will sleep with anyone just to get sex. It shouldn't empower you or make you feel 'worthy'. Being worthy comes from inside you and when you find that confidence, you will exude confidence and will shine and fat or not, you will be more attractive and will find better men.
I'm dealing with a lot of the same issues addressed in this thread.
All my life I've been the fat girl, and all the way up until high school, I hated that guys didn't like me. Then in high school, I seriously dated every single guy who feigned interest in me. This eventually led to me getting raped. (I don't discuss this, but I felt it was necessary here)
After high school, I was back in that funk of no guys paying attention to me. I think a lot of this stems from my dad dying when I was 15, as he was the one man in my life that always gave me his full attention and adoration.
I started talking to men online, and have since only dated men online. And all of these men prefer big women. Which I always thought was awesome, but really, it just enabled me to stay overweight, and those relationships were just as abusive had they been with men who liked thin women.
I've been dealing with a relationship much like Toni is, except my ex has borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and depression, and he is a master liar and manipulator, and has always claimed that I am his soulmate.
Only recently have I come to realize that I can't do this anymore. I'm giving him power and control, and no one but me should have that.
Every day is a struggle, and I've been gaining weight and honestly not even really trying to turn that around lately...mostly because of my depression and my feelings of worthlessness.
I'm finally figuring out my self-confidence issues, and my issues with men, but all my life I've struggled with the weight issue, and I can't seem to beat it. I always start strong, and quit because I hate it. I don't know what to do anymore.
