Dear Arabella,

You have my solemn promise to take this day and make the best possible of the opportunities it presents.

I have so much catching up to do with everyone, and I'm getting desperate for support. My mother is in the hospital, and today we find out the results of a biopsy they did on her stomach lining. They are already talking about removing her stomach and the need for chemo. Mom went through chemo 25 years ago, and she says she will refuse it. I am not as close to my mother as a daughter hopes to be, and the guilt, sadness, and fear are about overwhelming right now. The reason I'm writing this here is because I need to let all of you know that I plan to get through this by feeling all the emotions and not trying to stuff them down with food. I don't need to be numb. I can handle this.

*HUGS* and a *Royal Wave* as I exit the palace for now.

Andria

Andria, I know how difficult and complicated these things can be, how things can feel wrong in so many different ways at the same time. Stay with your feelings! If you can stand to, write about them. You'll come through stronger and better than ever. Remember you are loved!

SHAME ON ME FOR BEING AWAY FROM THE PALACE SO LONG - I will sit down this afternoon, make all my excuses and catch up with all the Royal Goings On.

Missed y'all.

So good to see the Palace filling up again! I have been busy... trying to do some extra time at work, when I can, to build up our vacation $$$ reserves! Seems like everytime we turn around there's something else that needs to be replaced or fixed!! AGGH!

Today is my 25th wedding anniversary. We had big plans for a nice beach day and dinner out after watching our daughter perform at a local theater. Weather is not being so cooperative, so beach is out. The show's sold out, and since we've already seen it, (but LOVED it so much we wanted to see it again!) we gave our tickets to her friends coming from out of town. And the saddest change of plans of all: we need to attend the wake of a young boy from town who took his own life a few days ago. He was a year older than my son, but they've been boy scouts together from the beginning. So very, very sad to contemplate that he was that desperate to escape the consequences of a few bad decisions he had made. I wish my son was at home right now, so that I could hug him and tell him how much I love him. Two more weeks and I'll do just that!

I seem to be moving at glacial-like speed towards my Run for the Shamrocks goal of 259, but I moving I am. My brief dip under 265 seems like an eternity ago, but I'm not changing that 1st ticker til I get below it...because I WAS there!

Hopefully, I'll get back in here tonight... so much to respond to, so little time!

Have a Happy Wednesday, s!!

Well, Life got in the way of my coming back yesterday but I was resolved today to read all, catch up with my Royal Friends and start on a reply (which may need to be serialized).

Andria, my hopes and prayers go out that things will go well for your mother. Indeed, a difficult time; however I applaud your determination to FEEL it all. Painful though it may be, it is the best (and I've come to believe the ONLY way). I know you'll be as supportive to your Mom as you are able and please do come here for YOUR support. As so often with life, more is added when we are already overwhelmed as you are with the training and homework. But belated congratulations on the new job. It will be so difficult starting a new job with all that's going on but I'd suspect it would be even HARDER to be still looking for a job.

A belated Happy Anniversary to you, kat, and condolences on the loss of young friend. Always painful and, for sure, not the way one would choose to celebrate an important anniversary. But you have the BIG CELEBRATION coming up and I'm sure that will be AMAZING.

Kaylets, so sorry you missed Billy Joel but glad you're doing better and those bike rides do sound invigorating. You're not the only one in price shock! Fresh corn this year is (so far) way, way higher than last year and even the "bargains" I got today on nectarines, and cherries are higher than last year. I noticed in store today that many types of bread (which fortunately I don't buy much of) are inching towards $4.

wsw - As I read your saga, episode by episode, I could scarcely believe it! I'm hopeful it's been fully resolved. Somehow, I can't imagine why mgt co thinks carpet is your responsibility - don't think Judge Judy would see it that way. But I can see where at times you'd feel it's tilting at windmills to try to get better results. Glad your cold is finally gone and delighted about the 2 pound loss. You certainly deserved that after your harrowing experiences. I know I often say "I'm swamped" but you fairly literally were.

Wood Nymph - what a great picture! Sounds like a GREAT BIRTHDAY AND VACATION. And my fingers are crossed re the story submission (but then you are already a published author, no? - has it been a while since you went that route?). And congrats on the will power. With my gaining and your losing, we're fairly close again on the scale.

ceara, glad you popped in while I was gone. Waiting with baited breath for more reports......................

Well, that's a start. I have more to say (lack of yack has never been my problem). But I've been sitting at this computer for quite a while now and must get up and move about a bit before I'm sorry.

Anon.

Wahoo! I finished this section of training! I have a three day new teacher training next week and a single day the following week with human resources, but after that, I think the following four days are actually mine to prepare the the year. I'm trying to say that with a smile, but it is faltering a tad.

With the little time I have left of summer, I plan on getting back to the gym and regular exercise. Eating has been good, and I have kept up my journaling faithfully. The only link seriously missing here is movement to get the scale back to showing losses.

As far as my mom goes, they let her out of the hospital for a couple of hours today to get some things taken care of before they do her surgery. She does have a form of gastric cancer, and they will be removing a large portion of her stomach, if not all of it. She is in good spirits, though, and it sounds like she will allow for other treatments if they find them necessary after surgery. I'm being kept busy making sure everyone in the family has information and keeping them all calm. That's what the oldest does.

I've got to run away. Evidently we are going out to dinner tonight!

Andria

I'll bet you WILL enjoy the sound yoga camp, WN, despite trepidations. I'd have them too.........House looks interesting though - yes ROUGH but with elements of charm.

Andria, enjoy those precious FOUR days. You've had a lot thrown at you for a short time. Glad to hear your Mom is more open to treatment though.. Don't envy her the surgery or treatment part, of course, and hopefully that will be "all" that's required. Ah yea, the eldest role - very familiar with it - I'm still the eldest but have semiretired

WN, I was interested in your comment re weighing more after flying. I'd like to cling to that. I came back about 212 - have been hovering betwixt 208/209. Feeling somewhat slimmer than that for some reason. But still a big gain since December.

What a lovely morning I'm having. For the third consecutive day, I'm taking a RELAXING approach. I've been so stressed for so long (varying degrees) and have felt the need to go away for a retreat. Well, I noticed I had a four day period with no immediate time commitments so it dawned on me I could take a retreat right here. (I'm slow sometimes.) So once again this morning, I spent considerable time on the patio, did a little LEISURELY weeding and deadheading (I had already done the major work from being away). After I finally shower (soon) and watch CURB APPEAL, I plan to do a bit more patio time with a book. I have been doing some chorelets in between time but the plan is that this week's FRESH START MONDAY will be time enough to get back into the fray and the backlog.

WSW, congratulations on making lemonade from the lemons and getting some clearing/sorting out of the way while waiting for the plumbers. My heroine!

As to my trip, it was wonderful. I held up better than I would have expected to. They really have made those hills steeper in the 30 years since I'd been to Quebec City. I did a lot of resting too (again, I think, overdue) and made sure DDIL/DS had some "them" time. While he was working most of the time, he did have an afternoon to spend with us as well as a dinner or two and a cruise on the St. Lawrence.

Importantly to me, once there it dawned on me why I had come. Way long ago when I was a newlywed, it was the first "real" trip DH and I took and it brought back marvelous memories. I sat on a bench in a garden and savored them all and felt a great sense of completing a circle.

The first of the "formal" dinners was a knockout. The food was marvelous, of course, way marvelous. The dinner was held in a "decommisioned", marvelously decorated chapel. The lighting included lots of candelight and some theatrical lighting. The organ was playing - music from Phantom of the Opera and I kept waiting for a chandelier to drop. As the courses progressed, we were delighted with some marvelous voices doing many of the main songs from P/O with some movements through the tables, etc. They slipped later to arias from some operas and eventually into many other well known and liked lyrics. What a great treat! DIL and I stopped by chapel in daylight another day and while it was still beautiful, the evening magic wasn't there.

The entertainment for the other dinner was good and different but never reached the level of the first dinner. I met many of DSs co-workers/members and heard some lovely things said about him. I remind myself those who might have had some nasty things were maybe too well mannered to say them but it did my Mama heart good to hear the good things anway.

I did my best (or close) and tried to make good choices but, all in all, it was just not possible to avoid all the good things. One midday I found a little grocery store and bought a cup packed with cheese and grapes and that felt like a feast too in its simplicity. The prices, of course, were out of this world and I wondered, as I often do, how people can manage who live in a city.

Then of course there was the inevitable piling up of stuff when I got home but I got that fairly well stowed away in a relatively short time. I also took off for Pville for Seven's Eighth BD party. Way to go yet for actual BD but they'll be in FL for that. It looks like I'll be here to stay for a while and any other problems that come up will land on my "tomorrow" list.

Well, in case we get any of the promised storms, I'd best hit the shower. Must be ready in an hour to watch "Curb Appeal" too. Important appointment.

Nice weekend, all.

I keep putting off posting because I really want to reply to everyone instead of being a total ME ME ME like I have been. Figured I'd better get my backside in here though and do what I can before being called away.

Things are still kind of nutsy busy around here, especially since my girls' daddy called last Friday to inform us he was coming this Wednesday to spend 6 days. Nothing like a little notice... We're running around getting the house in order, and I've also been out buying school supplies at all the cool sale sites around town. I'm pretty set up for the girls and my classroom (I think), but we haven't done much in the way of school clothes shopping yet.

In truth, I think I'm running so hard because it keeps me from getting in my own head. Not a good place to be right now. The exercise and sunshine really are helping though. The days I don't get out, I've actually caught myself screaming at the family over minor stuff. And I don't mean barking or yelling at someone. Yesterday I had a total meltdown and screamed at my poor husband over something pretty basic. Thank goodness he is a patient and understanding man who knows just what to say when my crazy is showing.

On the upside, the combination of running around and journaling have helped another couple of pounds slide off. I realized today that I am 8 pounds away from my first 10% which also happens to be the halfway point to my year goal. Wahoo!

Before I move on to replies, I just want to thank all of you for your sweet words of support. As suggested, I'm trying to write out some of my fears and pain and sorrow, and I'm working really hard to not allow myself to numb out. Being super strict with my food is helping give me something solid to hold on to right now. I'm also trying to see this as an opportunity to heal some of the wounds left over from when I was 16 and mom had breast cancer. The whole year she was under treatment is still a blank for me. I can only remember a couple of very strong images, and most of those have been pieced together with the help of my siblings. Time to let it go.

Anagram, it sounds like you had a wonderful trip! I loved your description of sitting on a bench and just savoring the completion of your circle. That just gave me the warmest, happy feeling for you. Of course, the description of the chapel-turned-amazing-restaurant completely wowed me. Keep up your relaxed, leisurely approach. It seems to be working for you!

Arabella, I can hardly wait to hear about yoga camp! I wonder if the unfamiliar setup will make the experience better for you. Hoping so. By the way, I finished two pieces during the training, and even sent one manuscript off to a literary magazine. They are both short, creative nonfiction--my favorite method of getting something out of my head. It felt so good to be writing again!

Kat, congratulations on your anniversary! I know the actual day wasn't perfect, but your Ireland plans should more than make up. I'm still volunteering to go along, by the way, just in case you could use a third wheel...

wsw, thank you for keeping a candle lit, and thank you for saying it straight out: "eating won't make anything better." You really hit the nail on the head. Hoping your cold is 100% gone and you haven't posted for a couple of days because you are out enjoying the world.

Ceara, are you still zooming around the country with your dogs? Hope you are having a great time.

Kaylets, I miss having a question of the day to ponder! I also want to hear more bicycle stories. It sounds like you are having so much fun with yours.

I'd better scatterzoom out of here and get back to work. This was a nice break, though. Spending time in the palace always does good things for my heart.

Take care!

Andria

FRESH START MONDAY!!!!!

[SO HERE WE GO - a beautiful crisp morning today hinting of Fall. No, not quite ready for Fall yet but a HINT is nice.

I took my four "leisurely" days and enjoyed them immensely. Finished them off last night at an outdoor concert last night near a beautiful little "lake" in the city. Enjoyed RED MOLLY very much and it was a perfect way to end my little vacation.

One reason I did this (besides all four days being more fun than usual) is that I recognized to some degree that, after being stressed so much and so often, that I put a lot of stress on myself because it had become a HABIT. I sort of proved it already this morning by saying "I must, I must, I must" and then I realized what I was doing again and said "Yes, I must but there's no reason to become harried over it. I'm starting a whole new day and there's time to do a lot and more energy to do it if I'm not stressing about it". So

It's tiem for me to keep reciting the Serenity Prayer and living by it again. I do it in a lot of things but the built up stresses can be toxic when carried over to all the little things of life. Gotta save it for the Big Stuff (and there's sure enough of that in life).

So off my and : to all in the Palace - residing or visiting. And off to a good day.

Anagram is right, this really does feel like a FRESH START MONDAY!
I keep thinking my plan is intact, but I haven't been taking enough time to be good to myself. This morning feels like a good, fresh jumping off point with plenty of room to get myself back in balance.

Morning weight was 302.8 today. It feels so good to know that the 300s will be behind me very soon. It feels so good I'm actually not even stressed about the money I spent on pants two weeks ago. The tags are still on all but two of the pairs of pants (I think I bought 8 pairs that day?), and if I happen to need a smaller size, I think I'll be able to manage the "return" trip. Besides, if we needed to return to the Texas-sized outlet mall I bought these at (seriously, this place was about quadruple the size of any outlet shopping area I've ever been to!) that would mean that I could just as easily try talking my honey into spending a romantic weekend in Austin. Hey, this is sounding better and better!

Anagram, thank you for sharing the bit about stress becoming a habit. That one hit really close to home. I always seem to function so much better in a high stress environment, and I think it is because I've allowed it to become a way of life for me. It certainly isn't because I love it.

All right, time to get this day moving. I haven't heard from my mom all weekend, and I should get in touch with her. I also promised myself that there would be a trip to the gym this morning, no excuses.

Ok, I'm outties--scooping up my Fresh Start card along the way!

Andria

***Grrr... I forgot to hit the submit button!

Congrats to getting so close to TwoTerville, andria. And it sounds like you're already planning to turn lemons to lemonades. Having to return slacks is a wondrous project in itself but a nice romantic weekend is a big plus. Maybe you can work that in while your unexpected visitor is in town

I'm stressing again a bit and there's no good reason for it so I'm going to amble off and slow me down again.

Am considering a new car as a nice reward for myself. Reward for what, you say? For gaining weight? Well, no, maybe just for being me. And, maybe, just maybe I can find a way to make it a reward for getting back on track. Mmm. Looked a little this a.m. but thinking I'll just get a newer version of what I have. I've been very satisfied with my Camry. Of course, when I get to the "numbers", that will be the telling point.

Off to fold laundry, make a salad, all sorts of "exciting" things...............