I have been heavy since high school. I desperately wanted to lose weight, I fantasized about losing weight, about being thin all the time. I would have all these grandiose plans, how I was going to lose weight.
Usually a diet for me would be some sort of severe calorie restriction. I would be "good" I would be "perfect" I would deny myself this or that. I was so proud I was "in control" that this time I was really going to do it this time. I had discipline! I would eat 1200 calories, 1000 calories. I wouldn't eat.
Sometimes the "diet" would last a day, sometimes 2 days, sometimes 6 months. Sometimes I actually lost weight. Twice in my life I lost a significant amount of weight and reached a goal weight. I had no plan beyond "be this weight" so as soon as I got there, I went right back to the self destructive eating patterns that had caused me to gain weight in the first place. I was never at my "goal weight" for longer than a month.
Now, I just know I was short sighted. My mind was fixed on a number on a scale and the FASTEST way to get to that number on the scale. The ends justified the means. If losing weight meant eating rice crispies for breakfast, an apple for lunch and a turkey sandwich for dinner, that's what I would do. I was big into SF and FF substitutions for real food. If I couldn't have cake, I would eat Snackwell's Devil's Food cookies.
If I were starving hungry all day, if I fantasized about food and what I was going to eat as soon as I got thin, if I occasionally binged on whatever "fat free" treat I was letting myself eat, if my hair fell out by the handfull in the shower, none of that mattered. All that mattered was being thin.
And always, always the same things would happen. If I would had one bite of some "forbidden" food, I would be unable to stop. I would hate myself, I would loathe myself, what happened to my perfect self control, my discipline? Or, I would reach some magical number and go back to cranberry walnut muffins and venti lattes for breakfast, M&Ms in the afternoon. I never learned new habits, never thought about long term. Never learned how to plan, shop, cook healthy foods, how to order healthy choices in a restaurant, how to make good decisions when out with friends.
In July 2004, a couple of things happened in my life. I was 35 (to quote Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally "and one day, I'm going to be 40!!") and approaching 200 lbs. None of my grandparents had lived to be 70 - I was tired all the time, lethargic, I didn't care about my appearance. I wore the same pair of jeans every day, I didn't cut/color my hair, wear make up. I hated my weight, I hated myself.
It's a long story, but I decided I was going to make some changes to be the healthiest person I could be and I was going to use food to do it. I was going to eat whole foods, I was going to eat lots of produce. I looked at what I currently ate and modified it so it was still great tasting, but it was healthy (more vegetables, less cheese, less oil). I wanted to eat foods I liked, that I could eat for the rest of my life.
I did want to lose weight, of course, but this time I really wanted to focus on losing weight and keeping the weight off.
Last March, I finally got down to 140 lbs. I kept trying to lose the last 5 lbs to meet my "goal weight". I plateaued for 12 weeks - while I did everything I could to drop the last 5 lbs. I looked great, felt great so I decided to quit worrying about it and just enjoy how much better I looked and felt. I kept up all my healthy eating habits, I just allowed more calories every day.
For the past 4 weeks I've been traveling for work - I went to Singapore, Sydney and Tokyo (with 1 week just to vacation in Tokyo). I ate pretty much whatever, I love to try new things. I did a ton of walking and exploring.
I wasn't trying to lose weight, I didn't think of losing weight. I didn't obsess too much over my current weight. I'm not perfect anymore - I drink real cream in my coffee, I drink red wine, I go out to dinner with friends and split fudgy desserts.
And this morning:
http://gloriana.myphotoalbum.com/view_ph....d=135_G
What I wanted, without any stress, restriction or worry.
Goal Weight
Glory!! Please do come and join us in Maintainers you are very inspiring...
