In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables.
He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Queen and Tim Horton's. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles." And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the
99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: " It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created The Canadian Health Care System.
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the **** is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my @ss coming into work today."
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife, Mary Louise, to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot. Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
"An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands
holding the two stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed
and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, two tablets."
"When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with
red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its
own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."
"Fight Truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles leads to Dirty Lives":
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay
is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire
insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" -- ( U R )
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
"You can complain because rosebushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn
bushes have roses."
Ellis, that one about God is hilarious...especially the end! Had to send it on to my cousins in Toronto. My younger cousin always praises the Canadian Health system...saying that any time she needs even a bandaid, she just walks in and the put one on, no charge. Maybe it's people like her who keep my 93 year old grandmother from getting glasses for 8 months. Oy!
For the Canadians... (someone post explanations for us hapless Yanks)
What It Means To Be Canadian
(By Kevin Burns with thanks and apologies to Will & Ian Ferguson's "How To Be A Canadian")
At least once in our lives, you will hear us screaming, "Hap me. Hap me. Tumbuddy pwease hap me!" (The sounds emanating from that person with a tongue frozen to a flagpole, even if Mom said, "Don't do it.!")
Our national animal is the beaver; renowned for its hard work, even temper, industrious nature...oh who are we kidding. It's a forty-pound water rat whose most heroic trait is to slap its tail to warn his buddies before he runs away. And it's not like we were short on choices either. But we stuck with the beaver and now we spend millions every year blowing up and bulldozing the work it does. So very, very Canadian.
It's here in Canada, where the vision of Jesus was found on the side of a Tim Horton's in Bras D'or, Nova Scotia (Cape Breton Island), thus now making Timmy's the new found Church of The Land. Finally, a seven-day-a-week shrine. Now we line up in droves every morning to toss a Toonie into the collection plate and be blessed with a fritter and double-double.
Only in Canada do we know what either a fritter or a double-double is...or a "Toonie" for that matter.
Although our country is vast (about 100 square miles for each person), we settle mostly near the U.S. border and huddle for warmth.
If it's not deep-fried in grease and covered with either sugar or gravy, we won't eat it. See "Poutine" in Quebec, "Beaver Tails" in Ottawa, "Elephant Ears" on the Prairies and TimBits at every crossroads.
Maple Syrup - If it comes from a tree, it must be healthy.
Molly's Reach - Home to Nick, Jesse and Relic. The Persephone is out front. You've got to be Canadian to get it.
Contrary to popular belief, the national anthem is not the theme from "Hockey Night In Canada."
We, as a culture, will actually pay someone to sell us furniture that we have to put together with a little odd-sized wrench that tends to create more curse words than heard on Christmas Eve. Oh, but we're smarter than the Swedes, aren't we?
Driving in Canada? Here's what you need to know:
In the Maritimes, everyone says, "After you!" It's done with a little flick of the headlights. So polite. So Canadian. Traffic is slow.
In Montreal, it's gang-jaywalkers. Since it's unlikely that a driver could take out the whole crowd, they break the law in packs.
In Toronto, the traffic lights are interpreted as follows: Green - "Don't stop." Yellow - "Faster. Faster." Red - "Screw 'em. they deserved to die."
In Winnipeg - "Sorry." (If you've been there, you'll understand it.)
In Saskatchewan - The word "Saskatchewan" is an ancient native word for, "I can turn left from any bloody lane I want." Turn-signals are sold as an extra on cars.
In Alberta - Posted speed of 110 kmh means for each person in your car.
In Vancouver - pedestrians are viewed simply as slalom obstacles that continue to move. Applying brakes while on this course is not allowed.
In Victoria, since there are no cars, only golf-carts and motorized wheelchairs, there is no reason to turn up your hearing-aid, since you wouldn't hear them coming anyway. Speeds not over 20 kmh.
"Yeah, but it's a dry cold."
Speaking true Canadian eh? Here's a phrase only Canadians would understand. "Last night, I cashed my pogey and went and bought a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way to the duplex. So I get the half-ton and I was trying to deke a deer, eh. Friggin' Chinook melted everything. Then this Mountie in a ghost car gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L. Only had my toque and Stanfields on. The Mountie, he's all chippy, calling me a "S**t disturber." So all I could say was, "Chimo."
Canada, where it's never too cold to go to the mall!
How to get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool. Simply say, "Could we please ask you to get out of the pool?" They will.
In Saskatchewan, there are skid marks on the Trans Canada highway. The question remains, "What did someone have to stop suddenly for that they didn't see coming for miles?"
Curling. An Olympic sport we may not have invented, but we perfected it by encouraging smoking and drinking while on the playing surface.
Bonspiel - another word for "big drunk." Adding booze as a prize in a Bonspiel would seem redundant.
While coffee shops around the world are charging over $3.50 for a cup of coffee, in Canada, our prices are actually going down. If Tim Horton were still alive, he'd be Prime Minister.
There is a lot of Canadian money in Third World countries, unfortunately it's mostly Canadian Tire money since many Canadians have a fun time convincing unsuspecting street vendors that the picture on the money was of our King.
Only in Canada would our Head of State give us the finger and would we cheer and re-elect him.
Only in Canada would a guy stagger out of a bar at closing time, attempt to navigate every square inch of real estate between the front door of the bar and his car. He would stagger and stumble in plain view of the police, unlock the car door, get in, start the car and wait for the police to stop him from driving any further. It would be then that without a slur and without a drink consumed, he would inform the police that he was, in fact, the "D.D." (not Designated Driver but "Designated Decoy" so that his drunk buddies could run to their vehicles and drive home.)
Mike Myers, Dan Ayckroyd, Jim Carrey, Peter Jennings, Shania Twain, Brian Adams, Caroline Rhea, Jill Hennessey, Michael J. Fox, Matthew Perry, Raymond Burr, John Candy, Dave Foley, Brendan Fraser, Robert Goulet, Lorne Greene, Phil Hartman, Eugene Levy, Howie Mandel, Rick Moranis, Martin Short, Leslie Nielsen, Christopher Plummer, Jason Priestly, Keanu Reeves, William Shatner, Donald Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland, Dave Thomas, Pamela Anderson, Neve Campbell, Kim Cattrall, Margot Kidder, Shannon Tweed, Louis B. Mayer, Lorne Michaels, Monty Hall, Rich Little, Alex Trebek, Paul Shaffer, Neil Young, Robbie Robertson and Cirque de Soleil are all household names. They only became household names when they left the household (Canada).
Canadians have a deep respect for authority and they prefer law and order to anarchy and freedom. Why? Because the authorities told them to, that's why.
I am Canadian. (Not available in Quebec).
Canadians dislike Americans but they're not sure why.
If you hear the name "Elvis" and think of figure skating, you're Canadian.
Canadians have photos of themselves taken beside large objects next to the highway. (If not a large object, then in front of a Provincial boundary sign).
And finally...Canadians remember where they were when Paul scored, when Ben got caught and when Wayne was traded. (Real Canadians don't need last names).
American Medical Insurance Frequently Asked Questions
Q: I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories...those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the one remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a Third World country.
Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A: No, just the ones you need.
Q: Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A: Yes, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs,but I need the name brand. I tried Generic medication and it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A: Poke yourself in the eye.
Q: What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A: You really shouldn't do that.
Q: I thinkc I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot.
Q: Will health care be different in the next century?
A: No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
Beachgal (a.k.a. Laurie)
I am still laughing at the elevator jokes. Tears streaming down my face! These are hilarious. The trouble is, I could see myself doing a few of them at work!
Thanks for the laugh I really needed it tonight!
Jo
So this guy and his wife are in the garden weeding. The guy looks over at his wife and says "wow, your butt is really big!" "In fact it's huge!" "Your butt is so big I bet it's bigger than the barbeque grill!" He proceeds to get a tape measure and measure the grill and then his wife's butt. Sure enough, it is bigger than the barbeque grill. His wife doesn't say anything, but continues to weed the garden.
Later that night they are in bed and the husband is feeling a little frisky. He rolls over and says, "ya wanna get lucky". She looks at him and says, "if you think I'm gonna fire up this big *** grill for one teeny little weenie, think again"
>A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
> >pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
> >together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
> >"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed
him
> >in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and
> >after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet "Who are
> >you?" he asked him.
> >"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
> >"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
> >"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
> >replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
> >The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little *******s."
> >
>
Early Morning Comedy
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American Medical Insurance Frequently Asked Questions
