ok, I know I have posted something like this before... but, I am really getting antsy...I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and 3 months...tonight we got on the subject of proposing...we had a party a couple of weeks ago and a bunch of our friends were "guessing" who would be engaged frist...we were at the bottom of the list...after a couple who has been together for only a year...even my boyfriend's sister agreed with this...that right there told me something...I don't think it will ever happen and tonight i even said things like all I need now is to get you to propose...his response "well you know where the door is" (jokingly--but is he??)...I am getting sooooo discouraged! we have been through soo much, he was by my side every second though my cancer treatment, I love him dearly but there are no signs that engament/marriage will happen anytime soon....help!!!!
Sometimes, no matter how afraid you are of the answer, you just have to ask the question. Bring it up at a time where you're both comfortable and have no other distractions. Ask him to be completely honest with you. Don't sound accusing and don't be subjective - it has to be an objective conversation for either of you to come out feeling okay about it.
When you have his answer, you'll know more about your options, and what you want to do.
start out with something like " I know we joke about this a lot and everything... but I want us to talk about our future seriously just for a bit.. I think it would be good for us to really know where we want to go with this...."
always better to talk than to not talk, whatever the outcome.
Well you asked..........If I want to be married and the person I was with was not marrying me I would break up with that person..........if you are satisfied not being married but being with this person then that is ok too.
Just don't ever give someone an ultimatium......marriage is hard enough.
This is just my take on this particular topic.
This is the one and only life you are ever going to get........and it appears that you you are a strong person that has endured much pain......at the end of the day only you can know what you want and need and you deserve to ask for it..........and he has the right to his answer.
After six years of dating, he should know whether he wants to marry you or not. And after six years of dating, he should have the courtesy to give you a straight answer to an important question.
If you want marriage and he doesn't, then you're really not a match, no matter how much you enjoy his company. Perhaps you feel some sense of obligation because he stuck with you through your cancer, but that doesn't change the fact that the two of you want mutually exclusive things from life.
Ask him again, and tell him you need a Yes or No, not a flippant response. If the answer is Yes, you need a timetable. ("Someday" isn't an acceptable answer.) If the answer is No, you need to decide whether you're willing to settle for second best (staying with no hope of marriage) or whether it's time to move on.
It's not about giving him an ultimatum. It's about pursuing what you really want in life: marriage to a good man who wants to be married to you. If he's not that man, then he just isn't, period.
Thanks laides...your suggestions helped...we have talked about it, and he does want to get married, to me, it just seems like time is ticking with no sign of a pending engagment...I decided to get a "time frame" from him...Ill be happy if he says between now and christmas...Ill let you know how things turn out!
Is gettin gmarried really important to you? Or is it just having a commitment? For me, marriage is kind of an "extra" - something fun we'll do down the road when we have some money - but the important part is knowing that we're commited to each other. Personally, I don't think a ring is necessary for that. Maybe he's feeling financial pressure? Rings are pricey, and weddings are getting pretty out of hand - you could put a nice down payment on a house for the cost of an average wedding. Maybe if you talk to him a little more about it, and ask him why he hasn't proposed yet... I figure as long as he wants to spend his life with you, the ring can get there when it gets there, right? Not trying to be insensitive here, but I've been with my partner for 4 1/2 years now, and I know for a fact that there is no ring in the near future, simply because we bought a house last year and he said he wants to get me something really special, and he can't afford it yet, but that it will happen, and I'm happy with that for now. By talking to him he can help you understand why he hasn't proposed yet, so that you don't freak out on him after your time frame when it was just because he couldn't afford it or something... that being said - I hope everything works out for you!
Wanted to tell you that I dated my husband for about 5 years, then we broke up for a year. I thought I'd never see him again. A year later he showed up at my house in the middle of the night and asked me to marry him. I only tell you this because you never know what the future holds. (Darn it!)
But we have had so many problems - look at your relationship and ask yourself if you really will be happy if you get married to him. If you have any problems now, guaranteed they will get worse when you get married. I
If the issue is money, I have to throw my two cents in, and tell my story. My husband and I both had good jobs when we began dating (mine paid a bit more, but I had a lot of debt I was trying to pay down).
When we began discussing marriage, I told him my dream engagement ring was an aquamarine (my birthstone and favorite gemstone). He was skeptical because it wasn't a diamond, and thought I was just trying to save him money (which it did, but that wasn't the point).
We picked out the aquamarine and had it set in a traditional solitaire setting. We chose his birthstones and saphires (for fidelity - and because they matched) for the wedding ring. His birthstone is diamond, so my band does have small baguette diamonds in the band, but if his birthstone hadn't been diamond there would have been no diamond in my wedding band, and I wouldn't have missed them. I was just glad it matched with my birthstone.
I am so happy with choosing a non-diamond engagement ring. I did learn that I need to take better care of aquamarines (they're softer, so are not as durable and show wear after a few years if not taken care of). After four years of wearing the ring constantly and washing dishes and working with solvents (I paint), we're having to replace the stone from the engagement ring. It would have lasted twice as long, or more, if I had just taken it off when working with acetone and when doing the dishes.
Still - I was able to find a jeweler who cut a 2 carat stone to my exact specifications (a square stone with rounded corners and a modified radient cut - more facets, and more sparkle than traditional aquamarine cuts, and the exact shade of blue green I wanted). We can replace the engagement ring ten times for the less than cost of a ring with diamond of the same size, and it's a thousand times more meaningful to us. Choosing the second stone and it's cut, brought back all of the excitement of our engagement and the selection of the first ring. My husband even got into it, and we reminisced about our "first engagement."
What is most amusing, is people assume your engagement ring is a diamond,
even if it looks nothing like one. I have had many people assume my ring was a blue diamond. "I've never seen a blue diamond," one woman gushed, and I answered "and you still haven't."
Anyway, just trying to say thinking outside the box is a wonderful thing.
kaplods - your ring sounds gorgeous!! Aquamarine is my birthstone also. Fitgal - I agree with the others. Just have a straightforward, honest discussion about it. That way at least you know where you stand. Good luck!
By definition, an engagement is a promise, guarantee, pledge, commitment. If this man stayed with you through such a trying time in your life and remains with you today, he's done all of the above. Perhaps you could ask him about making it unofficially official. No ring, he doesn't have to be down on one knee but as far as the two of you are concerned (or anyone else is concerned) you are engaged to be married.....in the future.
my mom loves her boyfriend of 15 years. I treat this man like he's my father. But she told me that he could never marry her because his daughter would hate it if he re-married (and he'd choose his daughter, who doesn't give a crap about him, over any of us) And my mom told me something one night. She said, well, then I guess it's just goodbye.
I hate to think that commitment means anything (considering majority of today's marriages end in divorce) but it does.. sort of. (This is, of course, the way I see it. You will not see like I do)
So I talked to my boyfriend tonight about everything. He said that he dose know why he has not proposed. He says that he is content with things the way they are at the moment but that he does want to marry me. I asked him for a time frame and he said he didn't want to give one b/c he dose want me to be "expecting" it. He wants to surprise me. He also said that there are things he has to do before he gets married, but he didn't want to tell b/c again he wants to surprise me...I told him that getting engage does not mean we have to get married the next day!!! I also told him that I would say yes, so now the fear or rejection is not relevant...I don't want to be "pushy" b/c I don't want to get the proposal out of him feeling pressured to do so if you know what I mean!
It sounds like you are comfortable with the conversation you had with your boyfriend, but I'll add my suggestion anyway.
It sounds as if you are putting an awful lot of focus on what HE wants in terms of marriage and commitment. I'm not saying there shouldn't be compromise in every relastionship, there has to be. I'm also completely against giving anyone an ultimatum to try and get them to see things your way. However, your situation sounds more about needing to decide exactly what it is YOU want rather than waiting to see what it is he is will to give - now or in the future. Ask yourself how long you are willing to wait for this guy and then keep it to yourself. There is no sense in telling him that he has until "X" date to propose but there is no reason not to decide what YOUR personal boundries are either.
Now, to be honest, I would be a little leary about his claim of wanting to "surprise" you. I'm not saying it means he isn't telling the truth about wanting to marry you. But, not being able to tell you what he plans for himself in the future is secrecy - not a surprise. Of course, when you ask for a timeline I wouldn't expect him to tell you that he plans to propose in six months or anything like that. But, in an open and honest relationship you should have a pretty good feel for what plans he has for his future - and he should have a pretty good idea of what you have planned for yourself too (and I'm not just talking marriage but kids, finances, homes, etc). From that point, it should be fairly easy to figure out if the two of you have similar goals and decide what compromises (if any) each of you are willing to make.
About rings, weddings - I think it really depends on the person. My ideal wedding would probably be at the county courthouse Even though I love my birthstone, I don't want it as a wedding ring. It is far more expensive than a diamond anyway (emerald). I've priced out diamond rings I want and they are less than $2k. Of course that may seem like a lot of money but it is workable.
fit - You may be happy with the answer you received but you may have to eventually make a point with him. I guess it depends on the person, but even to not be able to say "i want to get married within the next 2 years" would concern me. I hope things work out with you and your boyfriend.
advice for me now...
and tonight i even said things like all I need now is to get you to propose...his response "well you know where the door is" (jokingly--but is he??)...I am getting sooooo discouraged! we have been through soo much, he was by my side every second though my cancer treatment, I love him dearly but there are no signs that engament/marriage will happen anytime soon....help!!!!
Even though I love my birthstone, I don't want it as a wedding ring. It is far more expensive than a diamond anyway (emerald). I've priced out diamond rings I want and they are less than $2k. Of course that may seem like a lot of money but it is workable. 