"Blaming my mom" - experiences of mothers with eating disorders?
Of course I have myself to blame for being fat, but now that I'm trying to turn it around, and joined this forum, I find myself constantly looking in the direction of my childhood, and I just have to ask: Is there anyone else who have mothers (or fathers) that were/are severely messed up in their relationship to food and weight and shamed you?
My mother has anorexia, but this wasn't something we kids knew until late in life. It's under "control" - she isn't starving to death, and she's a impressive successful career woman etc. However she doesn't have one extra gram of fat on her, will panic if having to eat something like candy, and must (at age 60) run for hours every week.
On topic: her anorexia exploded by proxy when I was around 9 years old (right after I had brain surgery...bad timing) and from there on she would do nothing but talk about how fat I looked (I was not fat at all when this started, but she was so scared of me becoming fat that it didn't matter). Until I moved from home she would shame me constantly, even in front of people, and never ever looked at me warm and lovingly, instead it was like an audition every time I came home (still is). When I moved she moved on to my sisters (we are 6 kids, but my 3 brothers where left alone) and then I reacted for the first time and tried to be their support. Unfortunately my youngest sister did develop anorexia. My middle sister and I "just" developed binge eating and self loathing, me being a more severe case.
I have come to realize that there is some part of me that RESISTS weight loss, and I think that has something to do with not wanting to give my mother the satisfaction in me becoming thin? This is of course self destructive. I honestly don't think I would be this big if it hadn't been as a messed up coping strategy for constantly feeling ugly. So in light of this, I'm very interested in other people's experiences (good or bad) on mothers and weight.
Last edited by Eatingmyfeelings; 05-06-2015 at 05:30 PM.
My mom's side of the family has very addictive personalities, and my mom and I both became overeaters. We started Weight Watchers when I was 13 and we both lost weight. However, out of the two of us, my mother is the only one to maintain it. She used to always pick and pry at my body and I eventually ended up bulimic to try and catch up to her. I stopped that, luckily, but I still overeat and gained a lot of weight because of it. So now she goes out of her way to talk about how "fat" she feels and how "huge" her thighs look in things when she's around me and she makes passive-aggressive digs at my body. I'm turning 20 in a month, and let me tell you, my mother is to blame for most of my self-worth issues I had as a teenager.
What I suggest is that you have an honest discussion with your parents over the weight issue and how it impacted you. I have found in dealing with my own family that by not brushing things under the rug so to speak that it has helped enormously in our relationship with one other.
Not that it was easy by any means....
I have been noticing my brother and his wife making comments about their 9 year old son's weight, and while he is on the chubby side for his age, neither parent wants to take responsibility for their choices in this either. Already, their son is developing a complex about it and quite frankly, it pisses me off. So what's an aunt to do? I have decided to do engage in some physical activities with my nephew this summer for fun! Swimming, biking, racing go-karts, etc! It's as much for my benefit as it is his. Sometimes I must admit that while I can't change the attitudes or minds of others, I can do something positive to show my nephew that life is meant to be lived with passion, not in fear of every morsel that passes his lips.
Here's the thing. While it's tragic to have to grow up in a dysfunctional eating environment, there are plenty of people who grew up in normal eating environments that ended up with eating disorders too. It's not entirely understood why we develop eating disorders although genetics and environment do play a role.
One thing is for sure - losing weight, dieting, and changing what you eat do not cure eating disorders. One does not rid themselves of binge-eating just by dropping some weight. It's a complex healing and at the heart of it lies self acceptance and self love, these are things we EDers deny ourselves for decades.
The only person in my family to ever comment negatively on my weight was my grandmother. When I was 14 or so (and not fat) I was at her house when she was on the phone with someone, a cousin of hers I'd never met. She told the cousin that her granddaughter was over, and that "she {meaning me} has always struggled with her weight". So first of all, I'd never struggled with my weight. Never even thought about my weight. I was a gymnast. Short, compact, muscular, and not at all fat. Also, this woman had never met me or even seen a picture of me, and that's all my grandmother could come up with to tell her about me?
I was annoyed with her but I can't say it caused me any real issues. I've been remarkably lucky in that I've never felt mistreated because of my weight. I've never had a stranger make a rude comment to my face, never overheard gossip, never had anyone shame me. My weight issues are caused by food, and food alone but I really feel for those who have psychological and medical issue to deal with.
Last edited by KittenIsOverIt; 05-05-2015 at 07:35 AM.
Reason: embarrassing typo
Wow, that's a really hard situation to have grown up in My Mom never fat shamed me, but I grew up watching her go up and down 30-40-50 lbs so I think that definitely had some effect on me as I'm now going through that same cycle....and it scares me because I now have a daughter I can pass this onto.
I was also a dancer who got weighed-in every week when I was 11-13 years old so that had a big impact on me as well.
I remember watching my Ma "diet" all the time. Diet pills, WW, exercise programs...whatever. She was "always" trying to lose weight. It never really worked. She was thinner at some times than others but always overweight. I can't say I blame my food problems now on her. But it certainly did make an impression on my childhood self. I learned, from her, that being fat is bad. Being fat means being unhappy. Being fat means people will like you less or not at all. While I (now) reject that out of hand, it is a permanent stamp on the mind, you know?
AshleyChantel: it's "nice" to hear someone else say that their self worth issues actually indeed are caused by a family member. It's probably good to allow yourself to feel sad or angry about it (I have always down played it, being so scared of criticizing my mom or being perceived as bitter or "a victim"). PS. Sounds absolutely annoying to have to listen to your mother's "I'm so fat"-talk.
NemesisClaws: What I nice aunt you sound like! I have tried to talk to my parents about this, but to no use. My mom can do no wrong according to herself and her standard answer (the few times I dared to bring it up) is that she only did it because she cared/cares for me and wanted my best. It's an absurd logic of constantly harassing a thin, perfectly normal weight, child for years about being fat until they eventually get fat and bringing on so much sadness in the process but according to her the end always justifies the means. She wanted me to be so thin and so happy and to do that she could say and do anything. I've come to accept that because of her own eating disorder she is just not well enough to be able to realize how she has harmed us. My dad, who does not have a ED, has always been a very passive dad and to all costs avoided conflicts with mom, and he doesn't want to talk about it either. He would protest sometimes in the beginning of her shaming but stopped when she punished him with silent treatment for days afterwards. Sometimes I feel almost more disappointed with him than her, because he doesn't have a mental illness. I also feel that I can't really be truly confronting when I now am overweight, because I'm afraid that it will be "well look at you, we we're right!". I hope that one day when I feel more confident in my body I will be able to.
My mother had an eating disorder pretty bad growing up... She had to lewve for an institution twice tobget better. It ended up compromising her metabolism and she has been over 200 pounds ever since. She was never as negative as your situation though... But I did get habits and comments. My mom often said I needed to be on what not to wear and teased me about make up a few times and to this day I mever wear make up, in part because of it (butbalso cause i just like not wearing it). It sounds a lot harsher than it was. In my house food was carefully planned, lots of it was off limits. My friends tbought it was ridiculous when they'd come over and I had to tell them we cpuldnt est this or that... I thoight it was nornal. When I got older, I think I went a little crazy being able to actually eat what I wanted, having food that wasn't forbidden all the time, and its why I gained some of the weight I did. But I think it was also just ignorance on my part of what I was putting in my mouth. I wouldn't say it was all my mom's fault though. She was a lot better all around in your situation... But I agree that parents have an effect on us. I've chose now to take responsibility. It is still a bit hard though to not look at food in my house and think "that's for my husband, not allowed to eat that" or "that's not your food".
Last edited by SenseAndSensibility; 05-05-2015 at 12:33 PM.
KittenIsOverIt: That was so not nice at all of your grandmother! Children are so sensitive that one comment about their looks and their person can cause permanent damage, I really do believe this.
Palestrina: You are so right. It all comes down to self love.
Laura78: Being so aware of it, I don't think you will pass it on to your daughter. Hugs!
Mauikai: The whole being fat equals being unhappy-thinking really puts a stamp on your mind, yes! I envy all the curvy, big size ladies who are able to be fat and happy at the same time, for me I to some extent procrastinate happiness in search of the slimmer me.
Last edited by Eatingmyfeelings; 05-05-2015 at 12:33 PM.
SenseAndSensability: thank you for your input! I too totally went a "little" crazy once I moved from home and could eat whatever I wanted. Coming from sitting at a dinner table where comments about the (normal) amount of food I put on my plate were constant, and easter eggs where given only to the not-in-risk-of-becoming-fat-kids (I got shampoo instead. You don't want schampoo as a kid, you want candy!), I indeed just ate almost everything. I can still feel that thrill going in to a grocery store and knowing that I can buy whatever I want, though I'm now trying to buy things that are better for me. Unfortunately I'm super sensitive to comments and restrictions on my eating and food, even "normal" ones. If my partner says something about saving some of that food until tomorrow and I think that there's some criticism in it, I will just go crazy inside. I better get that easter egg, haha.
Last edited by Eatingmyfeelings; 05-05-2015 at 12:46 PM.
There are a lot of addictive personnalities in my family and while I used to pride myself I wasn't a drug addict or an alcoholic, I now realize that I too am an addict. A food addict that is. My drug of choice might be chocolate chips cookies, but it is still highly compulsive and disordered behavior.
So yeah, my family has had some impact.
As for my mom... I remember once in my twenties I told her that I had a problem with compulsive emotional eating. And she LAUGHED at me. Yup. And by the way she is traned as a therapist.
Melfuchsia: Sometimes therapists (and mothers) really can surprise you. How insensitive to laugh! It's very interesting to think about the addictive aspects of eating! I haven't done so until recently. I always felt good not having a problem of drinking too much, smoking pot excessively, etc, like some of my family members. But when it comes to food, I have really acted as an addict (including hiding my behavior). And my drug of choice is definitely chocolate chip cookies!
Yes' My parents in many ways could be yours, except my Dad was the overeater and Mom feared my being fat (I look just like him) that, like you I believed it so much by the time I had my first child I lived up to what she believed me to be. It took decades of inner child work to recover from her abuse. I was screamed at for hours how unworthy I was.( I was 'stupid" as well. I also tried talking to my Mom when I checked myself into a mental Hosp. to keep from killing myself. She refused to say she loves me-said she wasn't raised that way. I finally came to understand where she was coming from, why she was the way she was-but she never changed, never told any of us 7 kids she loves us. But I now know she did. And bottom line, that is probably what you want to feel: Loved
In this amazing 8 month journey I've learned so much about myself and my feelings. I've come to believe I am worthy. Period. And so are you. Life just has lessons to teach us-to grow from. In my blog (see below) are lots of ways to learn how to know and what to do with your feelings other than eat. Being here-telling your story is a big one- Now you've done that it's time to move on to loving yourself. You are the most important relationship you have.
I want to start by saying that I really don't think I can blame my mother (I am tempted to in the very childish way that one has to blame one's mother for everything that goes wrong since I know that (a) she loves me unconditionally so it's "safe" to vent my frustration at her, and (b) if not her, it's me and I want to avoid looking at myself)
However I do think her behaviour was a contributing factor. She never thought i was thin enough. I was chubby. My bottom was too large. I should try such and such to lose weight. the funny thing is - looking back at old photos - I was positively skinny up until my 20s (as a child and a teenager). It's only in my mid 20s that I piled on all the weight. And I refused to accept that I was fat, since my mother still said the same things she said when i was younger, and this was my way of asserting independence and asserting control over "my" choices.
And - when we were younger we had bad eating habits. We used to eat fried potatoes and cheese in bulk (she said fries were bad for us - but would fry breaded potatoe cutlets for dinner instead - that were the same or more calories). Again, as an active teen my weight was normal. But it took me a long time to change my eating habits. And she cooks fattening food. She thinks it's healthy - she thinks eliminating wheat from her diet means fried vegetables are fair game and will help weight loss.
All that said - i know my mother did everything she did out of love. Potatoes and cheese were cheap and growing up we didn't have money for much more. She's always been active and fit but remembers her father always teasing her about her fat bottom. And my mother has made tons of sacrifices for me without which i would not have had the opportunities that i do today. And after all, I know she's not perfect - so when she's been wrong about other things, I've made my own decisions.
So now in my mid 30s, however tempting it is to point fingers at my mother, I don't think i can honestly say that it's her fault. I am tempted to since that way i can avoid taking responsibility for my choices today.
"Blaming my mom" - experiences of mothers with eating disorders?
My Mom never fat shamed me, but I grew up watching her go up and down 30-40-50 lbs so I think that definitely had some effect on me as I'm now going through that same cycle....and it scares me because I now have a daughter I can pass this onto. 
to you.
I have tried to talk to my parents about this, but to no use. My mom can do no wrong according to herself and her standard answer (the few times I dared to bring it up) is that she only did it because she cared/cares for me and wanted my best. It's an absurd logic of constantly harassing a thin, perfectly normal weight, child for years about being fat until they eventually get fat and bringing on so much sadness in the process but according to her the end always justifies the means. She wanted me to be so thin and so happy and to do that she could say and do anything. I've come to accept that because of her own eating disorder she is just not well enough to be able to realize how she has harmed us. My dad, who does not have a ED, has always been a very passive dad and to all costs avoided conflicts with mom, and he doesn't want to talk about it either. He would protest sometimes in the beginning of her shaming but stopped when she punished him with silent treatment for days afterwards. Sometimes I feel almost more disappointed with him than her, because he doesn't have a mental illness. I also feel that I can't really be truly confronting when I now am overweight, because I'm afraid that it will be "well look at you, we we're right!". I hope that one day when I feel more confident in my body I will be able to.
