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Old 05-05-2015, 04:51 PM   #16  
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FairyGaia: Thank you so much for your story and support It's sounds lika an awfully hard childhood (that I totally can relate to), but it gives me hope that you have managed to "overcome" it! Nice blog too.
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Old 05-05-2015, 04:59 PM   #17  
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Maddierep: Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts! I also want to take responsibility, and not surrender to blaming mom, but writing the post was a mental relief I must admit. Anyhow, I can really relate to the photo thing. It upsets me when I look at old photos and realize that I was actually slim and very pretty up to 17-18 years old (then slowly gaining) but remember feeling as fat as I do now. Now the weight I had in a lot of those photos would be a super achievement, but I do remember being there and feeling fat, and that worries me in my journey, that I felt/feel the same "fat feeling" with 30 kg difference.

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Old 05-06-2015, 02:29 PM   #18  
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exactly eatingmyfeelings! Actually joining this forum has been very helpful in some ways - because this is something I know others have struggled with. What you actually weigh and how you feel can be two different things entirely.

I don't actually remember a time in my life when i didn't feel i was fat (even when i wasn't!) So a lot of focus in my 20s was on accepting myself and that my weight was just one part of me etc etc. I am proud of myself in one way that I no longer tie my self worth to my weight anymore. But on the other, I don't want it sabotaging my efforts to lose weight either.

As you say - just writing the post here is cathartic. I felt like i needed to say this out loud just so i can now set it aside.
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Old 05-06-2015, 02:56 PM   #19  
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I am sorry to hear about your Mother and the situation that she's not help put you in. I think it's a part of life that we follow in the foot steps of our parents or rebel, one way or another (even if we don't want to). I know you don't want to blame your mother but, I firmly believe that in a situation like what you describe not many would be able to get out of that without having some sort of eating disorder.

That being said I do think it's a good idea to own your portion of it but to also recognize that the little "tape" that plays in your head and says to you whatever it is saying that keeps you stuck can be changed!

My Mother was an over eater. Though she never shamed me for anything and was always kind she showed me how to mirror her behavior VERY well. By finding the MANY hidden candy wrappers or the half eaten 1/2 gallon of ice cream gone after just 2 hours of it being in the house showed me a lot! Also, she clearly needed to do something about her weight and ignored it even until the day she died, at 400 pounds with tons of co-morbidity issues and most, if not all related to her weight.

The thing is that I am NOT my Mother and you're not your Mother either. I say that because an eating disorder is all in the same even if you're putting to much in or taking too much out. I have chosen to get my life together and do what is right for me despite anyone else's problems and so can you. It's just a decision you have to make. This is your life after all, not hers.
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Old 05-06-2015, 05:29 PM   #20  
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Maddierep: I think this website, if used "correctly" can be a huge help. Thank you again for your insight!

JenDestiny: Thank you for your supportive input! You are absolutely right, if there's a eating disorder (in whatever direction) in the family it will affect the children in some way or another. And it IS my life. You have come further than I have in both thinking and action it seems - it's inspiring
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Old 05-06-2015, 09:40 PM   #21  
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Eatmyfeelings: You're most welcome. For me it was when I realized that I was worth so much more than the food I was putting in my mouth. I also see a professional therapist that has helped me a lot so it's not like I have done this all on my own. Never be scared to ask for help if you need it. Sometimes this stuff runs so much deeper than we can really fix on our own. No matter what you've made the first step in knowing what the problem is and seeing it's your Mom and it's an eating disorder. Sometimes people don't know what's wrong. I think you're gonna do great. You can do it!
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