1. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
7. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
8. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
9. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
10. Remember: half the people you know are below average.
11. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
12. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
13. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
14. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasim.
15. Eagles may soar, but dogs don't get sucked into the engines.
16. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
17. I intend to live forever-so far so good.
18. Borrow money from a pessimist-they don't expect it back.
19. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
20. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
21. Support bacteria-it's the only culture some people have.
22. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
23. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
24. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
25. Experience is somethig you don't get until after you need it.
26. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
27. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
28. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
29. Realize that nomatter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you're in will always take the longest.
30. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
31. Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.
32. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
33. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
34. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
35. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it.
36. To steal ideas from one person is plagarism; to steal from many is research.
37. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
38. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
39. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
40. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
41. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
42. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
43. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
44. Get a new car for yor spouse-it'll be a great trade!
45. Plan to be spontaneous--tomorrow.
46. Always try to be modest, and proud if it!
47. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
48. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
49. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
As seen in a dog's diary:
8 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
As seen in a cat's diary:
Day 183 of my captivity...
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only
thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I
get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat
another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this
at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair -- must try this on their
bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat
I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the
food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power
of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant,
and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can
wait, it is only a matter of time.
Got this from a friend, Shanna, I'm sure you got this one too...had to share it!!
>
>Now I lay me
> Down to sleep.
> I pray the Lord
> My shape to keep.
> Please no wrinkles
> Please no bags
> And please lift my butt
> Before it sags.
> Please no age spots
> Please no gray
> And as for my belly,
> Please take it away.
> Please keep me healthy
> Please keep me young,
> And thank you Dear Lord
> For all that you've done.
>
> Five tips for a woman....
>
> 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has
> a job.
>
> 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
>
> 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't
> lie to you.
> 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
>
> 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
>
> Foot Note:
> One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't
> get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."
>
> WE ALL NEED TO SMILE !!!
1. Can you cry under water?
2. When I was young we used to go skinny dipping, now I just chunkydunk.
3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's the extra penny going to?
6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8. Why is it that people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up like every two hours?
9. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
10. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
11. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
12. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
13.I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing I wouldn't have signed up in the first palce!
14. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep.
16. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
17. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
18. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!
I received these from my SIL, and then received almost the same from Shanna so you ladies have probably already seen these. I think there are a couple that are different but I thought it was cute, especially the chunkydunk!
Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she
could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want
to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right
feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than
get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted
to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots
off his little feet. No sooner did they get the boots off and he said,
"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He
said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
AP- UPI- released two hours ago. Junior Senator Hillary Clinton of New York was flying cross-country last night in her private plane and was forced to make a emergency landing in southern Texas because of bad weather. She was unhurt and the National Transportation Safety Board officials have determined that pilot error was the major cause of the accident. The accident scene pictures including the wreckage of Hillarys plane have been released prior to being returned to upper New York State for major repairs. . . .
NTSB officials have also indicated that the Junior Senator was not wearing the appropriate seat belt or safety restraints, was flying in IFR conditions while only having obtained a VFR, single engine land rating, and will be cited for those violations accordingly. NTSB officials also say the absence of a post crash fire was due to the lack of sufficient fuel on board to sustain flight. There were no on ground fatalities.
[note: very disturbing picture of wreckage, open with discretion]
I am such a tard! I didn't get it at first-can we say slow! I must say though, even though it is funny, very funny I like Hilary Clinton. I can totally understand her being a witch, putting up with Mr. Bill!
You ladies have to take a gander at this, Bird Poop Car. It's not funny, just a little gross. I don't think I would want to drive it around like that. And I DEFINITELY would be finding a new parking space.
Thoughts
I didn't get it at first-can we say slow! I must say though, even though it is funny, very funny 
