My friend is the same age as I am - 42. She is a fairly good looking person and she is overweight (she would fit in a XL/size 16 dress) and about 5'4" tall. She has impractically high opinion about her own good looks and goes on hours and hours about how some boys went wild on seeing her when she was in college, how a married guy is behind her these days asking for a date (she is married but divorced), how she attended a party and some other men pulled her down to the dance floor, etc, etc. I listen to all this with great patience and do not say anything negative in return because afterall a friend is for enjoyment, if she enjoys herself narrating all this to me, then so be it! But for some time now, I think she is being a bully on me for my weight. Several months ago, she just outright commented to me that "I am fat, fat". I didn't like the comment but didn't say anything. Later I told her I have started exercising to lose weight. Since then, everytime, please note, every single time, she talks to me on the phone, she asks about how much progress I made. She is particular in knowing if I've lost any pounds (which I carefully hide from her 'cause I don't plain like her inquisitiveness). Recently she started once again talking to me about my weight. She again said I'm fat (she does not know I've lost close to 35 lbs as she hasn't seen me in a while) and she went on next to wonder how my 'fatness' is caused as my parents (whom she has seen in my wedding pictures from 20 yrs ago) aren't obese and hence it isn't hereditary. I told her I was never overweight until birth of my 2 children and after that, I haven't paid attention to myself due to work/family, etc. Then she goes on to say that she also put on a lot of weight earlier and that when she recently dated someone, she lost all the extra weight (I can tell she hasn't, she looks 'plump'). And then she asks me how much I have to lose, I just said, "80 lbs" and she tells me "For her it took an year to lose weight, for me it will take couple of years!". It was all so annoying, since then I haven't spoken to her. First of all, I hate her over-enthusiasm about my weight loss while she makes all these unwanted and insulting comments and secondly, I hate her obsession with good looks. She is very frequently boasting about her good looks to sky high!
I don't know how to tackle such a friend. Is she being a bully?
No, she isn't bullying you, she's just too intrusive. But I have to ask? Why be friends with her? I simply do not understand why people stay friends or hang with people who don't make you feel good as a person or that you don't particularly like.
Maybe that's why I have very few close friends - I would rather be alone than pretend to like people I don't particularly like! :-)
From what you're saying, I also don't believe she is bullying you.
You certainly have the option to not hang around with her. The alternative is to divert her attention away from 'weighty' topics.
If I were you, I'll simply ignore her comments and enjoy her company. We're over 40. Life's just not worth fussing over things that can be considered a trifle matter to many.
Not cool man, just not cool. There is no need to talk to a friend like that. I don't think she is being a bully, at least not intentionally. Some people just don't know how to communicate with others!! I'd never ever call someone who I considered a friend, fat.
I'd try just outright telling her to lay off and mind her own freaking bees-wax already. How much you weigh, lose, gain or whatever shouldn't concern her in the slightest. Next time you talk to her and she brings it up, Just say, Hey, you know what? I am not comfortable talking to you about this. and then change the subject!
If she doesn't let it go, or keeps bringing it up, then I'd find a new friend
No, she isn't bullying you, she's just too intrusive. But I have to ask? Why be friends with her? I simply do not understand why people stay friends or hang with people who don't make you feel good as a person or that you don't particularly like.
Maybe that's why I have very few close friends - I would rather be alone than pretend to like people I don't particularly like! :-)
This is actually correct, much of my "friend's" conversations I consider to be 'trash-talk'. But being a loner always who is reserved and talks very little, I find it hard to come up with new friends. Unfortunately 2 other good friends I had both moved away to far-off cities and since then lost in touch. I liked this friend all this time (I've known her for 3 1/2 yrs) except for this name calling business. You are right, BBB, if she keeps continuing like this, I'm going to not call her to convey a subtle message which I hope she will understand.
From what you're saying, I also don't believe she is bullying you.
You certainly have the option to not hang around with her. The alternative is to divert her attention away from 'weighty' topics.
If I were you, I'll simply ignore her comments and enjoy her company. We're over 40. Life's just not worth fussing over things that can be considered a trifle matter to many.
That's right, being over 40, not many people are addicted to good-looks, like the way she talks about all the time! I'll try to cut short any of her future 'weight loss' conversations and quickly move to different subjects!
Not cool man, just not cool. There is no need to talk to a friend like that. I don't think she is being a bully, at least not intentionally. Some people just don't know how to communicate with others!! I'd never ever call someone who I considered a friend, fat.
I'd try just outright telling her to lay off and mind her own freaking bees-wax already. How much you weigh, lose, gain or whatever shouldn't concern her in the slightest. Next time you talk to her and she brings it up, Just say, Hey, you know what? I am not comfortable talking to you about this. and then change the subject!
If she doesn't let it go, or keeps bringing it up, then I'd find a new friend
Exactly! Calling someone 'fat', to me, is insulting, even if that person is your friend.
But it is soothing how none of you think she is being a bully, 'cause I've been tremendously good to her (she has some personal life tragedies due to which I have a soft-corner for her) and it has been paining me to think she might be bullying me. Now after listening to you folks, I'm relieved of this pain. Thank you!
I agree with the blonde berry and others but i have a slightly different opinion on what you can do.
Just tell her, you don't like her interest or comments. they make you feel uncomfortable and so on. And you'd prefer it if she kept her views on the subject to herself. The more explicit and to the point you can be about it, the greater effect it will have on her.
As to her talking about herself as she does. Some people just do that. They are generally narcissists I think and that's how they maintain their own self-esteem. If it bothers you a lot and her general style then perhaps you are better off apart. But if on the whole you like her and feel good in her company, then you might just have to let go the odd little thing. Personally i find the self promotion a bit tiresome and wouldn't really enjoy hanging out with someone like that too often.
I agree with the blonde berry and others but i have a slightly different opinion on what you can do.
Just tell her, you don't like her interest or comments. they make you feel uncomfortable and so on. And you'd prefer it if she kept her views on the subject to herself. The more explicit and to the point you can be about it, the greater effect it will have on her.
As to her talking about herself as she does. Some people just do that. They are generally narcissists I think and that's how they maintain their own self-esteem. If it bothers you a lot and her general style then perhaps you are better off apart. But if on the whole you like her and feel good in her company, then you might just have to let go the odd little thing. Personally i find the self promotion a bit tiresome and wouldn't really enjoy hanging out with someone like that too often.
I so wish I am assertive enough to outright tell her I don't enjoy her comments on my weight! It so happens I am too soft-spoken and I have never been assertive all my life to put her (or anyone) in place!
What used to amuse me is that, she has other friends who do "just that" - that is, put her in place if she boasts too much and she narrates them to me - I used to find this side of her rather innocent and that's what makes me continue my friendship with her. She is multi-dimensional for sure!
Firstly, why are you friends with her? You really sound like you don't like her. Secondly, I don't think she's bullying you - I think she's competitive and narcissistic and vain, but I don't think this amounts to bullying. Just tell her it makes you uncomfortable to talk about your weight all the time. If she's a true friend, you'll both be able to get a little p!ssy with each other, hash it out and move on - but if she's offended by you asking her to stop talking about your weight, well then she's not really a friend.
Your friend sounds EXACTLY like my sister. The over exaggeration of attention, the putting you down, the affectations, the little fibs, and especially the deluded sounding sense of attention from the the opposite sex...
I think your friend, like my sister, suffers from severe self image and self esteem issues. It comes off as a huge ego and self-confidence but it DEFINITELY is not. If she had a good sense of self-worth and confidence then it would be completely unimportant to overemphasize these things. She sounds like she is desperately looking for gratification.
The only way to be who she wants, is to create that image, because she appears to lack the strength or know how to actually attain it. Talking about her ideal image as if it were a reality is how my sister/your friend would try to confirm this image of themselves. This is why she compares, exaggerates, and shuns the truth.
So, I don't think she is bullying you. She just has issues. Try to remind yourself of the reasons she is worth keeping as a friend. Be compassionate and if you have to, find pity. This will help you not to take it personal. It is NOT personal. Once I realized this about my sister, it became easier not to let it get to me.
My suggestion is not be confrontational about the fibs/put downs/exaggerations but to always be logical, honest, and calm in your response. She knows the truth. But she subconsciously wishes to distort your view of it. But she still knows it so there is usually no point in harping on and on about a discrepancy with these folks.
You don't have to exclude her from your company for them, just recognize that these are her personal hurdles for this life and maybe one day she will become aware of them. But if you find it too hard, then I don't think anyone could blame if you wanted to taper off contact.
The good part of a having a friend like this is that its a great opportunity to practice exercising your own self-esteem. And putting it to the test is the best way to make it grow.
Ok so you are not assertive but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to be more assertive. its something most of us have to learn and practice and get better at in life.
For most of us, sometimes asserting ourselves in a situation like this is scary but the empowerment that results when you do stand up for yourself cannot be overestimated.
You really must practice this skill to develop your personal courage. You shouldn't let people push you around or run you down. No one else can help you if you won't stand up for yourself.
you can practice on other people, someone you trust. Or in the mirror or just run your text through your mind a few times. Trust me, it is so worth it to take the courageous path.
Think about it? What's the worst that can happen if you speak up for yourself. Often times when you think that through, you realise you have literally nothing to lose at all.
At worst you will feel a little uncomfortable but that's really all. Growing is sometimes uncomfortables but that's how we become better people.
No, she isn't bullying you, she's just too intrusive. But I have to ask? Why be friends with her? I simply do not understand why people stay friends or hang with people who don't make you feel good as a person or that you don't particularly like.
Maybe that's why I have very few close friends - I would rather be alone than pretend to like people I don't particularly like! :-)
I agree with the previous posters. I also think it sounds like she is overly concerned that you will lose more weight/be thinner than her. All her talking about being wonderful is not because she is confident, its because she is insecure. As you say you have not seem her in awhile, and she does not know you've lost, perhaps she has gained? It just really sounds to me that her main concern is not just tearing you down but making sure you don't outshine her. I would just call her on that. Tell her al her comments reflect her insecurity about her being the "fatter" one. And that if she were truly secure in herself she wouldn't care what weight you were. And let her know last you saw her she could stand to lose a few pounds and her energy she is wasting on monitoring you would better be put to use working on her own weight. It sounds cruel but its not, Its the bare bones truth of what in going on here and it should be said. If she cant deal with the underlying reason for her behavior being laid out on the table then you should not continue being friend with such a toxic person. Maybe calling her out on her behavior will get to the root of the issue and exstinguish the behavior, That's the only way to really fix it, and thing else is just applying a band aid to the issue, and its likely this problem will come back in different forms.
Is my friend bullying me?
