I'm sorry to hear you're going through this with your friend - I have to believe that there is a part of you that really cares about her and wants to continue being friends with her so there must be something you do like about her. She's very insecure and she feels like if you lose weight then you will outshine her - that doesn't make her a bad person but it does make her a little toxic. A toxic substance can only hurt you if you ingest it.
There is no way that you can change her and I see no reason to put her down and make her feel bad. But that doesn't mean that you have to allow her to speak to you in the way she does - in my opinion this is your fault. We teach people how to treat us and if you allow her to continue talking to you like that then you have to take that responsibility and know that you're enabling her to continue.
I don't share my weightloss efforts with other people because I know that it makes others uncomfortable and insecure. If I were you I'd stop talking about weightloss. If she asks you how much you've lost say "I don't know, I don't weigh myself anymore." If she asks about your clothing size now say "Gosh I haven't been shopping in ages, not sure." If she asks how often you go to the gym say "when I can, I wish I could go more often." By downplaying everything it will illuminate that she is more interested in your weightloss than you are and that'll make her look bad and she'll back off.
But if she calls you fat you have to speak up. "I'm not fat, don't put me down," say it like you're ripping off a bandaid. Just say it and stand up for yourself. She's not the type of friend who will stand up for you so you have to stand up for yourself.
But now you are suggesting she fib. For some people that can be just as uncomfortable. In my view its much better to be honest. Being honest is totally empowering. I never suggested she had to be nasty about it. But in my view she should send a clear message that her friends interest in her weight is unwanted and unhelpful.
But now you are suggesting she fib. For some people that can be just as uncomfortable. In my view its much better to be honest. Being honest is totally empowering. I never suggested she had to be nasty about it. But in my view she should send a clear message that her friends interest in her weight is unwanted and unhelpful.
Are you referring to me? No I wasn't suggesting she lie, it's more like avoiding answering those questions. Deflecting. I agree that being honest is more empowering, but this person is asking some very intrusive questions, and she doesn't owe any answers at all. I'm more confrontational than the OP, frankly I'd say "none of your beeswax, what's it to ya?" or "enough with the prying questions" or "takes one to know one" (in response to being called fat). But deflecting can deliver a strong message of don't-go-there-biotch. It's like judo, rather than forcefully opposing you're trying to use your opponents' own force to get throw them off balance.
Thank you everyone for really great replies and wonderful guidance. I am for sure going to tell her, "I am not fat, please do not put me down" next time she says the f word to me. I'm just itching to tell her, "Hey, you're overweight too" and make her feel the pain of her own comments but last time I tried to convey something like that very subtly she came up with a ton of questions, as in "Am I really overweight or just a little?", "do I obviously show it?" and so forth... she sounded devastated. I do realize now that she is just being petty and maybe thinks she can somehow discourage me if I keep giving her all data she wants regarding my weight loss.. And that's not going to happen. Pattience, and others, I will stand up for myself next time. Thank you again everyone.
In standing up for yourself, there is no need to put down others. I wish you strength when you have that conversation - I know it can be really difficult for those of us who struggle to speak up! But you will feel much better once you put your foot down, and I hope she will learn from your honesty. Please keep us posted in how it goes.
You are doing amazing so far! I hope your friend's jaw drops to the ground whenever she sees you next
This woman sounds just like my high school "best friend". The thing that made things worse for me is that she never had a weight problem in her life, never wore glasses, nothing as such...you get the idea. Well, she would constantly put me down and make fun of me in an indirect way. She would mask an insult in a compliment and say things like, "You are so lucky to not have boys interested in you, it keeps me WAY too busy." Well for the last two years of high school, I just wore a fake smile and bided my time to get away from her. The last day of my senior year was the last day of our so called friendship. I never HAD to see her again because of school so I never willingly saw her again...that was over 25 years ago and I never regretted that decision. Do yourself a favor and find another friend. First and foremost, be a friend to yourself!
I have to disagree with others, I think she is totally a bully. A bully is someone who puts down other people often because they have their own issues and to make themselves feel better. She is putting you down to make herself feel better.
I am not good with confrontation if it were me I would probably just phase her out, stop answering her calls all the time, stop returning calls, if I do see her say I am in a rush to do XYZ and I have to let her go. Then slowly just stop talking to her all together.
But if u want to keep her as a friend I think you will either have to learn to shrug off what she says, which won't be easy and I dont think very good for you to hear it. Or summon the courage to be blunt. When she says it straight up say why would you say that? It isn't nice and doesn't make me feel great about myself.
we all have friends that are a little bizarre, we like them for many reasons and if that friend makes you happy so be it, but if her behavior makes you feel bad more often than not then maybe you should distance yourself. On the subject of weight just tell her gently to drop it.
I have friends that annoy me on certain levels, but I try to keep in mind that I am not perfect and have my own flaws.
No, she isn't bullying you, she's just too intrusive. But I have to ask? Why be friends with her? I simply do not understand why people stay friends or hang with people who don't make you feel good as a person or that you don't particularly like.
Maybe that's why I have very few close friends - I would rather be alone than pretend to like people I don't particularly like! :-)
I disagree.(which is scary because i'm new and I know you are a lynchpin of this operation)
This is definitely bullying. Its obvious she is using you to feel better about her own weight. You can tell she has some kind of perverse delight in your weight. I have had plenty of friends like this. I understand why you would still be friends with her too. Im sure she has many good qualities and when her ego is not getting in the way she is probably a pretty good friend.
You have to understand that most people with "inflated egos" like this are actually super insecure and are just trying to compensate.
Try talking to her frankly and telling her what bothers you.
It might be a little uncomfortable but it's better than losing a friend.
Are you referring to me? No I wasn't suggesting she lie, it's more like avoiding answering those questions. Deflecting. I agree that being honest is more empowering, but this person is asking some very intrusive questions, and she doesn't owe any answers at all. I'm more confrontational than the OP, frankly I'd say "none of your beeswax, what's it to ya?" or "enough with the prying questions" or "takes one to know one" (in response to being called fat). But deflecting can deliver a strong message of don't-go-there-biotch. It's like judo, rather than forcefully opposing you're trying to use your opponents' own force to get throw them off balance.
I understand how it works. I can't do it. I am uncomfortable myself with that sort of tactic. While not being uncomfortable with telling her mind her own business. But i prefer to say, actually, if you don't mind your comments are unwelcome and i'd prefer we don't discuss it.
1) Does the reason she is saying these type of things make her a bully?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthling
Your friend sounds EXACTLY like my sister. The over exaggeration of attention, the putting you down, the affectations, the little fibs, and especially the deluded sounding sense of attention from the the opposite sex...
I think your friend, like my sister, suffers from severe self image and self esteem issues. It comes off as a huge ego and self-confidence but it DEFINITELY is not. If she had a good sense of self-worth and confidence then it would be completely unimportant to overemphasize these things. She sounds like she is desperately looking for gratification.
The only way to be who she wants, is to create that image, because she appears to lack the strength or know how to actually attain it. Talking about her ideal image as if it were a reality is how my sister/your friend would try to confirm this image of themselves. This is why she compares, exaggerates, and shuns the truth.
So, I don't think she is bullying you. She just has issues. Try to remind yourself of the reasons she is worth keeping as a friend. Be compassionate and if you have to, find pity. This will help you not to take it personal. It is NOT personal. Once I realized this about my sister, it became easier not to let it get to me.
My suggestion is not be confrontational about the fibs/put downs/exaggerations but to always be logical, honest, and calm in your response. She knows the truth. But she subconsciously wishes to distort your view of it. But she still knows it so there is usually no point in harping on and on about a discrepancy with these folks.
You don't have to exclude her from your company for them, just recognize that these are her personal hurdles for this life and maybe one day she will become aware of them. But if you find it too hard, then I don't think anyone could blame if you wanted to taper off contact.
The good part of a having a friend like this is that its a great opportunity to practice exercising your own self-esteem. And putting it to the test is the best way to make it grow.
I believe Earthling has it right. I know people like this in my own life (my mother being one). When you don't have the option of walking away from these kind of people (my mother or Earthling's sister) you spend more time trying to see where the behaviour is coming from.
It almost always comes from a place of insecurity. These people project a vision of themselves that compensates for the flaws they perceive they have. They try to convince others to see them in a way they aren't able to see themselves in hopes of hiding their imperfections.
2) Do you feel bullied?
Regardless of WHY she is doing what she does, is the effect of her actions so negative to your life that it is worth more to cut ties than to save the friendship?
Is your own sense of esteem healthy enough to remain intact under the barrage of back-handed insults? Can you defend and stand-up for your self without launching an attack in return? Can you take this as an opportunity for personal growth, as previous posters suggested?
Either way I would recommend not feeding into the negativity of the situation, try to approach this as a way to fix a problem not as part of the problem its self.
Congrats on the weight loss so far, very impressive!
