[NikonGirl30]

I have been dieting for 5 weeks... and right now I am terrified.

I have Aspergers syndrome and OCD tendencies, a history of self mutilation, depression and addiction.

I am an eating disorder waiting to happen.

I am trying so hard right now to control myself, to not become obsessed, but at the same time to not fall off the wagon. I started doing weight watchers (on my own cause I cant afford their fees)… This way I can keep track of what I am eating, and there are very black and white boundaries for the minimum and maximum and I don’t need to give anything up.

But a bad day, can send me spinning out of control for a couple days, full of control issues, and thought problems and the terrifying realization that I could go from being overweight, to fighting a serious eating disorder.

I have never been “normal” mental health wise, I have struggled. I wanted to believe so badly that I was in recovery for all these things, yet this diet and lifestyle change really opened my eyes to the ugly monster within that caused all those things in the past. I hate myself for that. I am supposed to be stronger, more capable, more insightful… and yet again I am my own worst enemy.

I am scared that finding moderation in food and eating will lead to something else spinning out of control... It feels like I am trapped in a never ending cycle

[AlmostMe]

First, take a deep breath.

Secondly. And please don't take this the wrong way. But at your weight, I suspect you already have an eating disorder. That is, you may be using food and chronic overeating to self-medicate over a range of mental health issues (OCD, anxiety, depression). Please understand that I say this from a place of understanding, having many of these issues myself.

Don't hate yourself. Some of us are handed a biochemical predisposition to mental illness slight or severe. This doesn't mean we can't live normally, it just means we have to fight harder to do so.

I have had many rounds of dieting and calorie counting. I calorie counted to levels of unhealthy obsession. I destroyed my metabolism (short and medium term) and harmed my health. I will never count calories again. (This does not mean not being calorie aware.)

Can I suggest that you check out Overeaters Anonymous - as they understand the emotional issues and can support you on a range of eating disorders - and read up on Intuitive Eating?

[NikonGirl30]

Thanks for the feedback

My weight problem actually started when i stopped taking ritalin (which i am back on now) apparently because i was on it from Age 6 till 18 i destroyed any natural metabolism i had.

I do emotionally eat, but i dont tend to be much of a binge eater. I just make bad choices, really bad choices and we eat out A LOT... I tend to lean more towards the anerexic side when it comes to eating issues...

I have thought about overeaters anonymous, but I will be honest, I am not a fan of their model, or any 12 step program for that matter. When i went through recovery i used a Congitive Behavioral Thereapy model and have generally found that to be most effetive for long term addiction issues.

My dr reffered me to an obesity program here in MN where they have a nutritionist, physcial therapist, and psychologist along witht he regular dr. I have my intake appointment on friday... I know that individual or group therapy is something i NEED to do.

I am an anonamly though, I dont have low self esteem, i have a postive body image (i never want to be skinny, i like being thicker), I am confident... I am just a perfectionist and very fixated (from the aspergers), so any mess up sends me spiraling

[sunshinesmile]

Big hugs nikongirl I completely understand.... I am at a normal weight but when I get depressed which is pretty much anytime I face a problem, I binge eat....all junk food...and drink... A LOT! No number on the scale or how we look hints at the emotional battle inside. I don't like feeling gross, I wish I had a normal relationship with food and not use it as a crutch but I do...over time I've realized that healing is a process...I don't know if I'll ever get there but You should know that there's a lot of people in society who have a problem with food, some are just better at hiding it than others...
You should try to be kind and generous to yourself...that's how we take steps forward...

[NikonGirl30]

Sunshine,
Thanks for the support... It can be really hard... There were a couple years that i didnt drink AT ALL after i went to rehab for a drug addiction... Like you the depression and drinking went hand in hand, so now my rule is if i am emotional i dont drink, its too slippery of a slope....

Please dont ever feel gross, or worry about that number on the scale, it does not define you. Your amazing just for knowing there is a battle... and your a beautiful person with such a caring heart. Remember to be kind and generous to yourself too...

[AlmostMe]

Ok, it's cool if you don't like their model. I don't use it either. I suggested as it's free, but since you have access to other avenues, use those!

You do not have to be a binge eater to have an eating disorder. Using food and chronic overeating as an emotional crutch or self-harming by making consistently bad food choices is still disordered eating. Going the other way and counting and obsessing over not eating is also disordered eating. I'm not a big binge eater, either. I'm an overeater. Binges in slow-mo, maybe. But disordered eating nonetheless.

And you don't have to want to be skinny either. I too prefer being a bit on the larger side, but not as large as I am. I want to be thick and strong not thick and sick. I want to have a normal relationship with food.

[NikonGirl30]

Almost,
I've been doing a lot of research on ED and it really terrifies me... i know i have a lot of food related issues. I really hope this program works, but i know i'll also get frustrated if they try to force me into a lot of medical models and interventions that i'm not comfortable with. I am essentially going because i want the therapy aspect, and i am hoping i can hold firm on that and not let them pressure me into other things...

The appointment is two hours long, one hour of testing including and EKG and another hour with the dr... It drives me crazy when medical professionals act like i am a ticking time bomb... I have normal blood pressure, my hearts fine (and regularly monitored due to the ritalin being a stimulant), i am not pre or diabetic, my cholesterol is fine... The only thing thats low is my Vitamin D and thats cause i work in call center...

But i do want to be mentally ok with food...and with not doing everything perfect...

I think thats one thing that is so confusing. I am very confident about my body and image... yet so insecure with the THINGS i do... I have to be the best and do things perfect...