I have been with a man for 8 years. I love him very much. I believe he loves me. I've brought up the subject of marriage a couple times. He has responded by saying that he wants to surprise me. The last time I brought it up, he said that he wanted to be sure I wasn't going to move back to my home state. (Um . . . huh????) I decided that I would not say anything on the topic again.
My co-workers have told me to give him an ultimatum. I don't want to do that. I want him to ask me because it comes from his heart and because he WANTS to. I don't want him to feel like he is obligated.
One of the problems is that we live in an expensive area of the country. With the job I have, I cannot afford to live here, since in order to have health insurance, they take a large part of my check to cover it. He has health insurance and if we were married, it would save me a few hundred dollars a month. As it is, I work my regular hours and overtime and it still doesn't cut it. If I had this job back in my home state, I would be able to afford to live there. The problem is, I don't want it to seem like I want to get married for financial reasons.
I feel stuck. If I stay here, I can't afford it. I'm falling behind. If I live where I can afford to live, I would have to leave him. (He doesn't want to move to another state, because he can't get a transfer and doesn't want to lose his retirement.)
I am looking for a higher paying job, but it seems being over 50 is a major obstacle to a new job.
I feel for you in this situation -- and it is a tuffy simply becuz you love him. Gee, you've been together 8 years and he hasn't asked you yet? That concerns me more than anything. Honestly, this discussion should have come up at the beginning of the relationship (like the first year). This is a separate issue from the $$$ one, IMHO; and I didn't like that he claims he is waiting to see if you move away (that doesn't even make sense). If he had married you long ago, this issue would have taken care of itself.
I don't think you should marry someone just for financial reasons (even though I know there are people who do that) becuz someone always ends up very unhappy. I think you need a serious talk about this, sooner rather than later -- about whether he really loves you & wants to marry you or not. An ultimatum isn't even necessary here. YOu have every right to ask whether this man is serious about you or not. Are you living together or separately?
If you are together already, that may be part of the problem. With some men, it's a matter of why buy the cow when you already have the milk; and they don't want to share the expense of keeping the cow either. Have you shared with him your financial issues? Has he not offered to help you out? If not, that concerns me too -- becuz that can be a sign of $$$ problems and control issues down the road.
You really need to talk about all these matters and fast -- simply becuz you may be wasting your time with someone who has no intention of making the relationship more permanent. If you don't get the answers that you need, then you will have to choose whether to end the relationship and move where you need to.
I'm sorry, but I just have to tell you the truth of how I see it -- if someone really, really loves you -- they would want to share everything with you: their time, their money, their home, their love, and their lives ...
Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy; 09-23-2012 at 03:13 PM.
Did you guys discuss marriage at the beginning of your relationship? If so, what was his opinion then? Yours? That will make a big difference in any advice I would give for sure.
8 years is a very long time imo. I'd bring it up again, and tell him that you WANT to get married. Don't give him an ultimatum, but let him know that marriage is something you want out of life and you're not getting any younger. Then it's up to you if you're okay waiting for him to maybe, one day, possibly pop the question. At some point you have to consider he may not ever want to get married, and whether you're okay with that.
In the beginning, marriage wasn't important to either of us. We both had been divorced fairly recently (approx 2 years).
I moved to live with him and have been doing so for 5 years, so I understand the mentality of, Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free. At the same time, Why buy the pig when you can have the pork for free? :O :O
We did discuss marriage and I told him that I wanted to be married, but I also wanted to stay with him. (I guess now that I think about it, that sounds like 2 separate issues . . .)
Right now, I keep looking at job listing where I live now AND in my home state, but I simply don't know where I will end up.
It's strange how couples can do so many things together, but when it comes to a talk, everyone freaks. *sigh*
That's tough then, since it sounds like something neither of you found to be a priority at the beginning.
I definitely understand the insurance/financial issue!
I guess since it isn't something he said he really wanted in the beginning he isn't going back on his word or anything, so it definitely sounds more like it will be your decision in regards to what you are willing to sacrifice.
Maybe you could have a very candid conversation with him and tell him you are ok with whatever his answer is but that you need to know concretely if you two will ever get married. If he says no, or that he doesn't know, then the ball is in your court as to which road you will choose. It make take some time and heart searching to come to your final decision. If he says yes, I would suggest asking about a time frame to aid you in making your decisions.
My biggest piece of advice though, is to get all the information you need for YOU to make a decision, and don't let his decisions, or indecision, decide your life.
My feelings are similar to Rosebud's. It looks to me like he doesn't want to get married. Looking at it from his viewpoint , why should he ? If I had to make the decision for myself I would move and get a better paying job. If he wants to get married he will be begging you to stay here and marry him.This only my opinion as an outsider.
Any yes, LockItUp, I think most of the problem is the not knowing and basically putting my life on hold waiting for some clue.
At one point, he said that he wanted to go back to the coast, just as we did the first time we saw each other. So, I decided to make that part of our vacation this past week, thinking that he wanted to do that because it was a special place and that's where he would propose. Well, we went to the coast and nothing happened. He took pictures of the sunset. That's it. But by the time we were driving to the destination, I had a feeling it wasn't going to happen, because he wasn't acting nervous or unusual. *shrugging*
I've brought up the subject of marriage a couple times. He has responded by saying that he wants to surprise me.
Grrr. Tell him you don't want to be surprised, you want to be treated like an adult and share with him in the business of planning your future.
Otherwise, I agree very much with what Lockitup had to say. You have to make your own decisions--and you need information from him in order to make them.
All of you are right. I need to find my backbone and get some information. Only then can I make an intelligent decision. If there is no future here, there is no point in living like there is.
Gee... my husband and I got married BECAUSE of the health insurance! We were planning to get married anyway, but changed WHEN we got married so that I would get covered by health insurance. How can your boyfriend" waste so much money? SInce you live together, it's BOTH of your losses. Honestly, I would mention it - how stupid are we being about this? Helloooo! We live together, yet we are acting as if we are single and paying a crap load of money we don't need to."
Honestly, I don't get it.WHere is the communication? Is there other stuff you guys just don't talk about?
Now... on the other hand, my bff was with her boyfriend for 4 years. He was still unsure. She wanted to get married and start a family and her biological clock was ticking loudly. She loved him, but she eventually had to tell him that she needed to walk away from the relationship - that she wanted more. She wanted a family and if he wasn't ready to commit to that after 4 years (and she was 34 at the time) then, she needed to move on. She didn't want to move on and she told him that, but she couldn't wait forever. So... they broke up for all of two days. He then realized that he was being afraid (and that was what it was - fear - as he had been cheated on twice by girlfriends and his brother went through a nasty divorce). By being afraid to commit and move forward, he was losing something he wanted. He loved my friend too and wanted a family too... that was the push he needed - when he realized that he was about to lose the woman he loved. 6 years later and they are happily married (with one child - but because they waited so long to get married, they are now dealing with infertility issues).
Of course, your boyfriend may walk, but... wouldn't you rather know than to live in this forever limbo?
Last edited by berryblondeboys; 09-23-2012 at 09:22 PM.
The older I get the more blunt I've become. I'd tell him in these exact words, "I'm over 50, either sh*t or get off the pot." Tell him you want an answer so you know what you'll need to do next as far as a job and living expenses. However make it clear you don't want to force him. You just want to know what he wants to do and whatever decision he makes is fine, you're just tired of living in purgatory.
ultimatums are tricky business. it all comes down to what you can live with. you cant rush a man to propose (well you probably CAN, but i doubt itll turn out well in the end).
what if he doesnt ever want to get married? can you live with that? if the answer is no then you need to let him know that and then move on. if you decide to tell him that, you need to be sure you can stick with it. even though its great to think that after you say that he'll realize his mistake and get down on one knee, he may not.
i feel like by saying he wants to "surprise you", hes implied that marriage is in the cards and if that isnt true it seems like he has been misleading you, BIG time.
i told my boyfriend that i want to get married pretty much from the start. we had known each other very well for years so it wasnt awkward (i have no idea how itd go over for most new couples).
its sort of a shame that you were in a situation where it wasnt discussed for so long. it may seem scary to him at this point, especially if his last marriage ended badly. the girly part of me wants to thump him on the head and ask what the difference is at this point when you've been together so long, but the rational part of me knows that sometimes men are just phobic about marriage. saying he wants to see if you'll move back... its either his own insecurity or a complete nonsense excuse. also, id like to echo another posters question about whether or not hes concerned about your financial problems? is he helping?
i think the whole buying the cow thing is somewhat of an old fashioned notion. in reality almost no one gets married a virgin and most people live together before theyre married.
just make sure you dont give an ultimatum unless you can live with BOTH outcomes.
Last edited by juliastl27; 09-24-2012 at 04:29 AM.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms Shapen
I've brought up the subject of marriage a couple times. He has responded by saying that he wants to surprise me. The last time I brought it up, he said that he wanted to be sure I wasn't going to move back to my home state. (Um . . . huh????) I decided that I would not say anything on the topic again.
With all due respect, forgive me for saying so....but....it sounds like the issue here isn't about marriage or health insurance but rather, about trust & open communication.
He's saying he wants to be sure you aren't going to move back to your home state. Without knowing either of you, I would take that as 1) he doesn't trust that you just won't pack up & leave....or....2) he's just making excuses. But, what I find even more disturbing is the fact that you feel you can not say anything on the topic again. Again, forgive me....but....you are in the relationship too and if he can say things to you, you in turn should be able to say things to him. It sounds to me like you feel intimidated by him so....you just drop the subject and your life hangs in limbo because you can't communicate with him.
IMHO, it sounds like he's "comfortable" with things as they are and would never mention marriage. By now, it should be evident to him that you would like to get married and he should be honest with you about his feelings on this subject. Again, JMHO....he's not being honest.
As far as giving him an ultimatium, I wouldn't recommend it but, I would recommend sitting down with him and explaining your feelings to him about the situation. His reaction should make any decision you need to make clear.
Life is too short to be unhappy with someone and I detect unhappiness on your part.
All the best to you
Last edited by JerseyGyrl; 09-24-2012 at 12:30 PM.
Confused with relationship
I feel for you in this situation -- and it is a tuffy simply becuz you love him. Gee, you've been together 8 years and he hasn't asked you yet? That concerns me more than anything. Honestly, this discussion should have come up at the beginning of the relationship (like the first year). This is a separate issue from the $$$ one, IMHO; and I didn't like that he claims he is waiting to see if you move away (that doesn't even make sense). If he had married you long ago, this issue would have taken care of itself.
