One I'm asking to move out in September when the lease ends, and the other I've been stuck with for years. She's my sister... it makes it REALLY hard.
This might turn into a long rant, but I'm about to go on a murder spree (not really).
The one room mate, we'll call him Bob. Is passive aggressive to an extreme. My dog is 14 years old, he goes to the vet regularly and Bob hates my dog. He treats him like crap and has put my dog outside in 90 degree + weather without water MULTIPLE TIMES. I've yelled at him until I was blue in the face. He then tries to confine my dog to the hallway which is small and uncomfortable. After a vet check up my room mate was upset when I came home with my dog. He literally said: "You know... when I was moving in, you said you were putting him down, when is that happening?" WTF!?!? First of all, when Bob was moving in, I told him my dog was old and I was SCARED I would have to put my dog down. I have since taken him camping and my dog went SWIMMING and HIKING, I don't think he needs to be killed to make this room mate happy.
When Bob moved in, we all agreed we would share food. We get delivery for dairy and bread which I foot the bill for that. Everyone else just buys groceries, I buy most I've discovered. The rule was if you put your name on it, no one can eat it, it's yours. Well Bob LOVES to drink all my milk, eat my bread, eggs, he would sit in his room and just EAT sour cream that I BOUGHT! I figured it's fine, we share other food, right? I was wrong, because in the past 6 months, if I eat ONE of Bob's precious crackers, he gives me grief about replacing the box. He puts his name on EVERYTHING now and still gorges on EVERYTHING I buy. I even baked a cake for my boyfriend a while ago and guess who ate over half? I finally started putting my name on things. I don't even eat his food because he gets so much junk and never buys food I like, I'm just sick of the hypocrisy.
Now both my room mates, never Clean. Bob will sometimes wash his dishes, and sometimes take out the trash. That's it. My other room mate (and sister), we'll call her Jane, sometimes does dishes and once in a blue moon will vacuum, organize a desk and very rarely takes out trash. I can forgive her for the most part since she does my laundry. However, I clean ALL the time. Bathroom, floors, dusting, trash, dishes, oven, fridge, yard, laundry room, etc etc etc. I started dating and didn't clean the house once a week and Bob threw a fIT! A FIT! Saying it was clearly my job to do the cleaning. I demanded to know why it was my job, he responded with he's a student... and works. REALLY BOB!?!?! Because I have TWO jobs, full time student and I have a social life. So WHY do I have to clean!?!?!?
UGH!
Jane (sister/room mate) is also so depressed. She usually crashes in front of the TV or demands the PC ALL the time to do NOTHING. She complains about her life sucking (yet she won't do anything about it), money (but won't even try to get a different or another job), love life (yet won't date), friends (yet refuses to go out with me or meet new people), about how lonely she is when I'm not home (yet won't go out with me).
If she had her way, I'd stay at home EVERY NIGHT to baby her and listen to her cry over he bad credit, drop out of college status and how much weight she put on.
I want to move out, every time she talks about suicide, I don't even feel sad or worried anymore. Just pissed off. I almost told her to do it all ready yesterday which made me feel so horrible. She's been this way for YEARS and refuses help I offer.
She owes me over 2,000 dollars, my parents over $5,000, and debt collectors live at her door yet she refuses to try anything. She just thinks the only thing that can help is winning the lotto. she also develops a new disease she thinks she has weekly.
I've forced her into therapy, medication, etc. I finally just started ignoring her because I can't do it anymore. I feel guilty, but I CAN'T do it anymore.
I need my own place, but if I move out, I can guarantee she won't be ok.
I've made LISTS of things to help her. I've told her ideas to fix credit, how to try to start with debt collectors, even offered to help her get financial aid for school as I know she qualifies for max in pell and possible other grants (use to work in financial aid). She won't touch it. Mentioned food stamps, it's beneath her. I've told her about other job opportunities, nothing is good enough. Sell your blood? "Oh... I just don't know..."
Ok fine, you're poor and it's not changing. Deal with it then. You hate your job yet won't look for another or try for a better education... YOUR PROBLEM! Credit sucks and you won't even try to make good on the debt, won't apply for a secured credit card (which I would totally lend her the $300 to start), or even try to send out good will letters or... actually... sucky but file bankruptcy.
I give up. One it going to leave. (BOB UGH!) And the other... can be depressed. I've been her back bone for years and I need a life. I'm slowly getting more away. Dating, my own friends, my own thing. And... if she wants a cruddy life... her choice. I'm done trying to fix it for her. I want her to be happy, I want her to do better, I want the best for her. I'm just not able to do the foot work for anything anymore.
/rant
Needed to get this out. I totally get if no one reads this. This is part of the reason I let my weight get away. I'm stressed, I avoid my house to go to coffee shops and drink fatty drinks in avoidance of being home. I'd rather go to the bar and down drinks than stay home and deal with these people.
I need my own place, but if I move out, I can guarantee she won't be ok.
Move out. Let her own her life. You own your life.
If you move out and she doesn't get better? She's not getting better now anyway and one life wasted is better than two. So unwaste your own life and move out. Jump ship. Swim to shore!
If you move out and she gets herself together -- yay. Two lives unstuck. Everyone swim to shore to separate housing.
Bob? He can get on with it or remaining bobbing along with no direction.
So sorry to hear that you are going through all of this! What a toxic situation. You definitely do not need this and as the other posters said, you cannot change people who do not want to change. That is one of the hardest lessons that I have learned.
Hugs! Hope you can move out soon and get a fresh start!
As someone with depression, I empathize with your sister on some level. Sometimes, everything feels so overwhelming and it can seem impossible to get off your butt and try to change things... But at a certain point, you get so tired of being miserable and start doing a, b and c to become functional again. I know that my younger self might have settled with just being listened to and cared about.
Some of us with mental issues (which may or may not include your sister) really just want to be taken care of. I had no idea. I went to the emergency room and doctors with all sorts of bewildering ailments... but as soon as I got there, snuggled up in a hospital bed with nurses by my side... a lot of my symptoms got better. I didn't will it upon myself, but I felt really insecure about my wellbeing and wanted constant reassurance. Well, nobody could have really given that to me, as I just swallowed it up time and time again. I've also had people try to "fix" me and sort out my problems, but it just reaffirmed the notion that I had so much wrong with me and was a chronic case.
Sometimes, trying to help people with chronic issues is, in some way, enabling them. Not that they're suffering on purpose, but you're kind of just helping them float along instead of them grasping for better tools. It might be rough for her at first, so stand by if absolutely necessary, but you can't wait on her night and day. Her illness belongs to one, not two people. I'd hope she has the desire deep down to get better... I can't promise she will, but it's not your fault if she doesn't. Depression certainly isn't a choice, but how we handle it can be. It doesn't sound like she's handling it at all, and actually sounds quite immature. There's only one way to grow up and that's the hard way.
If you want to help her before you go, maybe leave her with something to think about in her alone time. Empowering things, and steps to help herself...maybe a book. I would worry about her too, so I wouldn't just give her the cold shoulder. But you can't really be there for her anymore if it's just sucking your energy and getting nothing done. Show her how real self-sufficient adults live their lives. She can't be that broken. If she is, there's always help that goes beyond just you.
My older sister moved in with me and my then boyfriend, now husband. She also brought her boyfriend, dog and cat. She sat on my couch all day and smoked pot and popped pills. She also ate all of my food and did not clean. Her boyfriend worked -sometimes. But then he spent the money on more drugs and booze. Her bipolar depressive tendencies eventually became too much and I had to kick her out. It was the hardest thing I ever did, and one of the best. I cannot fix her mental illness or drug abuse. I, however, do not have to live like that, and you shouldn't either. As far as Bob goes, I would start putting dog hairs in his food. And maybe dip his toothbrush in the toilet. And then move out.
Thanks everyone. I went up to the mountains with my parents this weekend for a much needed get away. My own mother told me she was worried about my sister, but that it couldn't be my problem anymore. Bob is leaving, in 60 days, until then I'll just play nice.
astrophe I may possibly move out one day, but right now I'm going to stick around for another year. Not really for Jane, but for me. I like this house, rent, location, and yard. I do love her and I spoke to her about her depression and how I need my own thing. She actually handled it well and started writing a story. She's fantastic and maybe it will be a book one day, who knows. While I'm here, I'm just going to do what I want and live my life not stressing about hers. I think if in a year from now, if it doesn't improve, then I will certainly move out.
Astrild Thanks, a lot actually. I've been depressed too, it seemed like a hole I would never climb out of. I guess that's why I get so frustrated, I climbed out of everything she's currently in, why can't she? I guess I needed a reminder that we are different... I also never thought that maybe she just wanted someone to take care of her, but you mentioning that, about hospitals and people taking care of her, I do think that is what she craves. It makes sense looking back on a lot of things...
I think professional help is needed as well. She's been medicated in the past and it's helped... greatly. I spoke to her about doing that again, she (for the first time) jumped on the bandwagon of medication.
Quiet Ballerina YES! I HATE HATE HATE cleaning a room and then coming back to a disaster. Then, if the next day it isn't cleaned, Bob asks why I didn't clean it up...Well Bob, I didn't make it dirty...
Brandis I think I'll stick for a year but not let it hit me anymore. I'm not going to try to make her world better, just live my life. I think leaving might one day be best for me. It's nice to hear other people that have people they care about, but just can't do it anymore. I guess we have to realize one day enough is enough. I would also HATE someone crashing at my place like that, and drug use would be intensely horrid. Good for you for putting your foot down.
Hi Kurisitaru...I am Lulu, thanks for sharing with us all.
First of all it is very clear to me that you are a loving room mate and sister. But it sounds like you definitely need to start setting some boundaries in your life....for your own health and well being. I know you love your sister, but you can't help her if she doesn't want the help. I know this may be hard to accept but it's the truth.
Maybe it is time for you to move and create the life you want for yourself. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself. Just let you sister know that you will be there for her when she is really ready to take the actions she needs to to improve her life.
You can not make any excuses for not taking care of your health....taking care of your mind, body and spirit is a priority.
The only person you are responsible for is you. Not your sister. It may be that once you stop helping her (sometimes called enabling) she'll get off her butt and do some stuff for herself. If she doesn't, it's still not your problem or your responsibility.
If you can afford to live on your own, that sounds like the best plan. If nothing else, I'd tell Bob to move out. He's sounds like a parasite and a jerk.
MOVE THE HECK OUT!!!! Your sister is just emotionally blackmailing you. She knows you'll stay if she threatens suicide. I think you should move out, tell your parents she's threatened suicide, and call the police if you are genuinely concerned she's going to act on it.
Love does not mean that you must be part of her mental illness. Its not helping her to move into crazytown with her.
I would suggest moving out. Who cares about Bob anyway? Let him be an adult and clean after himself. Your sister its also an adult. If she was going to take her own life, she'd just as easily so it with you in the house than not anyway. It's really to deal with family members with issues without putting ourselves in the position of caregiver. You aren't her mom and she isn't a child. Maybe leaving her to.figure out things herself will be good for her. If not, it will be good for you.
I can't HANDLE IT ANYMORE! (long)
