[FunSize]

I am so upset! So my 4 year old daughter was acting up tonight and she ending up hitting DH when she got frustrated. So DH said he was taking away her bike for a week.

Welll.. first off all she doesn't even care about her bike.. BUT I DO! It's getting up to 115 here during the week and the only way I get my exercise in is going out early morning or evening with her briskly walking for 30 min while she rides her bike. She can't walk for 30 min but she can ride just fine. I love my routine and now he's just taken that away from me!

I just can't believe how a parent could take away a form of exercise for a kid! He might as well take away her fruit & veggies, too!??!

I told him, next time he wants to take away something from her..try the TV.. DVDS, Youtube etc!! I could understand if the bike meant a lot to her but it really doesn't.. It has more value to my exercise & weight loss program than anything else.

[ValRock]

She's 4. Explain to her that you talked things over with daddy and you've decided on a different punishment for her behavior. I think a week is a bit extreme, anyway!

She won't remember. I had a 4 year old daughter and she forgets what I tell her, after 5 minutes.

Make sure you talk it out with your DH. Agree on what's on and off limits for punishment!

[FunSize]

Originally Posted by ValRock

She's 4. Explain to her that you talked things over with daddy and you've decided on a different punishment for her behavior. I think a week is a bit extreme, anyway!

She won't remember. I had a 4 year old daughter and she forgets what I tell her, after 5 minutes.

Make sure you talk it out with your DH. Agree on what's on and off limits for punishment!

He's not budging on it now that he has said it.
This is new territory for us as parents but I asked him next time something like this happens then we need to agree on something together so she knows it's coming from both of us equally and we can be rational about it. He agreed.

See.. if it were ME.. I would have sat her down and explained how her hitting me hurt my feelings and say it didn't feel good. I would have talked about how sometimes everyone gets frustrated and that's okay.. but hitting is never okay, etc etc
DH is the opposite.. he would never say any of that but he'd dole out a punishment in two seconds flat with out thinking.

Wooo.. parenting.

[ValRock]

Oh parenting for sure .

I had a similar moment like this with my DH when our oldest was little. There are a lot of growing pains when it comes to deciding how to raise your little ones!

In the end, we agreed that any punishment we dole out cannot inconvenience the other parent. I can't banish my kids to their rooms when DH will be home alone with them... haha and he can't take away things that make my life easier (like your daughter's bike!)

If he's going to stick to his guns, is he willing to sit at home in the morning with her so you can get your exercise in? Seems like a fair compromise to me .

[Vex]

Taking away something they really like has worked well for me in the past. Sometimes they just don't "really get" talking it over, but they DO get no computer for a week.

It's good that your husband picked a punishment and is sticking through it, although it could have been a better thing that had more impact, you really can't back out now. I'd definitely have a talk about what punishment would have more impact (and less inconvenience on you) in the future.

[twinieten]

As if you asked for my two cents on parenting.....I think the bike for a week, or taking away any privileges for a week for a 4 year old for hitting her mom is extreme and ineffective. As another poster said, I think talking to her about it would be ineffective too. A 4 minute time out would probably have been appropriate for her age, so she can think about it. Then proceed from there.

I think it's great that you are showing support to your husband by not undermining his authority on the subject, but I wish he'd bend a little bit. It sounds like your dh and you have reached a good agreement, though, in going forward in the future.

My husband and I have had plenty of discussions/arguments and disagreements, and it's taken a long time to get to the same page about our kids, and punishments. There have been plenty of times when he doles it out and I'm left to uphold it, which really ticks me off. And vise verse. And there have been times when I've doled it out only to have him change it in my absence and completely undermine my authority. That makes me unhappy.

We have agreed that we will discuss and agree on everything now, at least everything major. Of course we're left on our own at times and we can't just sit around and wait for the other, but if it's going to go longer than a day, or a few hours, we discuss.

Now we send the kids out of the room, and they have to wait while we discuss the appropriate punishment. There have been other times when they have to wait until dad or mom gets home so we can discuss the appropriate punishment. Torture for them! But this is good because it gives me or DH time to cool off.

[BillBlueEyes]

Another option is to declare the week is up. I don't remember four year olds having a clear concept of calendar time.

[sacha]

Originally Posted by BillBlueEyes

Another option is to declare the week is up. I don't remember four year olds having a clear concept of calendar time.

Good idea.

A week is an eternity to a 4 year old. Oh, even 12 hours is

[astrophe]

But WHY was she hitting? Did anyone figure it out? Obviously she has something to "say" about how she feels about something but doesn't know how to do it in a socially acceptable manner yet. Did anyone tell her how to fix that? So it starts becoming more socially acceptable?

I guess I don't see how taking a bike away at 4 models the HOW to say it in a socially acceptable manner (whatever it was) and then how to cope with it. So basically she's still in the same place AND minus the bike that helps you exercise.

You way is kinder, but it's still all about you. How you feel hurt, hitting is not nice, etc. So you would still leave her in the same place, and take away her hitting coping tool from her coping box rather than the bike.

Who is putting better coping tools IN to her box? Telling her what TO do, rather than what NOT to do? So we can leave these childish coping tools behind?

When mine was in the hitting place we played the broken record like the weather channel -- "You are MAD. You are being like this (copy the kid shouting hitting whatever). That's not cool. You may NOT hit alive things like the dog or people. If you want to hit something, you may hit your drum. You may stomp your foot. You may mad angry pictures to get the mad out. Get it all out, then we will talk again."

Just like in babyhood for the weather channel of general vocab -- See the DOG? That is a DOG. Can you say DOG?

Only this time is feelings -- You are MAD. See how MAD is -- shouting, fist clenched, etc when you copy the kid. Can you see this is MAD? Now can you do something about this MAD that is more acceptable? (list that you prefer she can actually do at this age like stomp foot. It can refine later. Just bump her up one level to a more acceptable thing than toddler stuff like hitting. I could live with a foot stomp for 4. At 8 she's not bothering to foot stomping any more, she just TELLS me she is mad. )

So my kid would stomp and/or draw angry pictures (I saved some of mean mom with a big black X scribbled on top -- it's hilarious) and then later we'd talk. Sometimes she would have forgotten about it already by bed time and she'd be all "I did that? That's silly."

Later we added emotional price tagging. Making a great big noisy fuss (Like Ramona Quimby in Beezus and Ramona) over everything was not wise spending of feelings. Stub your toe, that deserves an "OW!" sure. But not the same amount of upset for losing your favorite teddy bear for 3 days. Too much is to much.

I don't know if those ideas help.

I'm glad though that you have agreed to move as the United Parent Front in future for discipline. That's a prob for us here too sometimes -- because kids catch ya off guard. But def before you parent the kid, you parent yourself.

Sometimes I would just tell her "I am upset. I am MAD that you did this. I do NOT love this. I love you always, but i do NOT love this. So I am putting myself into time out to think it over and sort my feelings out first. I need to cool off, I'm in time out. If I deal with you now I will be unfair to you because I am mad. I still love you, but I do NOT love this. So shoo and get out of here! I'm in time out and I'm REALLY MAD. We will talk at bed time."

I want to model that we don't hit, I want to model that even I lose my lid? I want to model how to lose it more gracefully. (I do not always succeed and sometimes I pitch a fit just to pitch it. See Mom trying to lose her lid well? See mom losing her lid NOT so well?)

And it doesn't hurt that if MOM has to put HERSELF into time out, whether she loses her lid gracefully or not? Whatever thing you did is PRETTY DANG BAD KID! Everyone is all "ohhhhhh.....nooooooo!" Which serves just as well or better - hahaha! I get a quieter afternoon.

Your DH hanging out punishments in 2 seconds -- he may want to work on that. If he always punishes and never listens, how's he teaching to future? Like when she's a teen and has bigger teen problem than some 4 yrd old temper tantrum?

Or will he have taught her along the way that "Talking to dad is useless. He just cranks up and hands out punishments at the drop of that hat and never listens to me? Or guides me?"

Because that is the biggest thing to parenting -- guiding these immature people (children) into maturity.

Hang in there!
A.

[EagleRiverDee]

Personally I think you should be grateful your husband has decided on some form of discipline. Many parents just let kids get away with whatever and then the kid turns into a self-entitled brat with no life skills to help them become a productive member of society. His job- and your job as well- is to parent in a manner that makes your kids respectful, educated and skilled. Your daughter was all kinds of disrespectful, hitting is not okay. A form of discipline was definitely called for. If you oppose this punishment then deal with it for a week but discuss with your husband what type of things he might do next time that you would prefer. It's important right now that you show a united front to your daughter- it would not be good for you to undermine your husband's decision where your daughter can see it. It's a week. Everyone will make it fine.

[linJber]

You didn't say why your DD was acting up, so maybe it was a long string of events on both sides that caused her to hit her father. Hitting under any circumstance requires discipline. However, I think a week long punishment is excessive for a 4 year old, no matter what they might have done.

This might not even seem like a punishment to her. If she were to ask to ride her bike and it was not at a convenient time for you, the adult would simply say, "Not now," and that would be the end of it. I'm not sure a 4 year old realizes the difference.

I agree there is need for discipline and that parents have to agree on discipline and that a punishment shouldn't inconvenience the other parent.

Having successfully raise a child, I also think that parents can change their mind about a punishment without losing control. It sounds like your husband might not want to give in because he thinks it will make him look weak or wishy-washy. I learned when my daughter was very young that I could tell her I thought about the situation and realized the punishment could be changed. When asked why I changed my mind, I always said the revised punishment seemed to be more fair. I like to believe it taught my daughter a lot of lessons - parents are reasonable, there are not many situations that end in "because I said so", it's OK to change your mind. You don't get it right the first time every time.

I think a time out and a sincere apology after you explain the reasons why we don't hit other living beings would be appropriate for a first offense. I made my DD write an apology when she was old enough. She hated doing that so much she would ask, "If I do - - whatever - - will I have to write and apology?" It was so funny. It was like she was judging whether or not the bad behavior was worth it.

And - I think Bill is right on target. Kids don't know time - maybe your DH will see that he was a bit strict in this situation and relent after a day or two. Hang in there - at worst it's only a week.

Lin

[guacamole]

Good advice here all around. I would just like to add that I had a 4 year old with severe speech delays. He would scream and hit out of frustration because of his inability to communicate. We got him intensive speech therapy and behavioral occupational therapy and it worked wonders. As his speech progressed the hitting became less and less. We also read books and had flash cards that modeled different moods like scared, mad, happy, sad, shy - so that he and we could pinpoint when he was feeling uncomfortable and why (and so that he could recognize those feelings in others and respond appropriately).

Anyway, I am obviously over analyzing based on the information you gave, but my theory is to try to resolve the cause of the problem and not focus on simply punishing the behavioral symptoms.

You sound like caring parents who will work it out!