Hitting a new emotional low.
Hellooooooo.
I'm Stacey and I'm 24. Most important things about me: I have 2 daughters- 4 and 18 months- and as of Fall 2011 I will be working on a Master of Public Health degree which is more or less my dream and I am incredibly excited. I have a great boyfriend who has been stuck with me for 8 years and my girls are amazing.
As excited as I am to start this program and move to a new phase of my life (and a new city as well!) and as happy as I feel like I should be right now, I feel like I have hit a new low in my self esteem and confidence. I can't stand to look in the mirror and I am not even comfortable having "relations" with my boyfriend. I feel jiggly and unattractive and sad. I always feel like the fattest girl in the room. My mood is pretty depressed lately and even my work is suffering because of it. I have to start job hunting soon and I can't stand the thought of interviewing and sitting across from someone and thinking the whole time how they must think I am so fat and unattractive. It's not just the weight, I guess. I don't like any part of me right now and it kind of hurts to write this.
I had always been thin until I gave birth to my first daughter. I gained *a lot* of weight during my first pregnancy and it took me over a year to lose the weight. I bounced around after that and was back at 110 when I became pregnant with our second daughter. I was back to 110 only 6 months afterward and felt great. Last September I had a series of things, I guess, that kind of kickstarted a 20 pound weight gain for me: I started a new job in an office, moved to a place that I couldn't ride my bike to work, stopped breast-feeding the baby, did some traveling (and overeating!) and I just don't know. I gained 20 pounds in 6 months.
I lost 7 pounds over the last month. I had been running a lot and I love to run. It makes me feel good. I feel like a champion when I complete 10 miles and it's probably the only time I feel like that. I just got back from a trip to Cancun with my boyfriend and gained the weight back at our all inclusive resort. The day we got back I was incredibly ill (thinking contaminated water at the airport) and lost 5 pounds the hard way.
So now here I am, 125, 15 pounds away from my goal weight and it feels forever away. I am starting kind of a detox/cabbage soup diet today and it went well. I really need this to work right now.
If you got this far, thanks for reading. I think I will need a fair amount of support through this. I struggle with fluctuating weight and bingeing, unfortunately.
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