OK, this is pretty much just me blabbing about myself, because I can't really talk to anyone else about it. I also need some advice on how to change my self-image...

I'm 22 years old, a junior college student with no money, and married to a wonderful person who loves me for who I am. I am currently 244 lbs, and have been for months. I also hate myself, and nobody around me really gets it... Reading this will probably convince you that I'm selfish and envious, and you'd be right. But I have to vent to someone...

When I got out of high school, I was about 170 (also 5'9", my current height). I was kinda pudgy, but I didn't really care. I didn't dress up, I didn't wear makeup, and I had very low self-esteem. The first year after high school, I gained 110 lbs and got up to weighing 286 lbs. That was when I realized that I had to start caring about myself if I was ever going to lose that weight, so I started caring more about what I wore and how I fixed my hair and all that. It actually helped me, and I lost 40 lbs over three years. VERY slowly, but at least it was something. When I weighed the most was a bad time for me... I dropped out of college, dithered around for a bit, and generally wallowed in my own depression before I could pull myself up again.

Now I'm back in school, about to complete a certificate in medical transcription and get an internship. The problem is that I don't get to get out much. I live in central Texas, where it's 100 degrees for a big chunk of the year. I hate hot weather, but I don't have enough money to move north yet. Because it's so hot most of the year, I don't get out to exercise. I also have to take online classes, because I live too far from the college to commute every day. This means that I'm stuck inside, sitting at my computer all day... I try to do yoga, and I work out on my mom's Wii with WiiFit, but some days I wonder why I bother...

I have a bad food addiction, and nobody understands it at all! My mom and my husband are always telling me to eat less, but it's so hard! Sometimes I just gobble down whatever I can find because I just don't care anymore, and then I feel bad about it. In high school, we were always being lectured about how terrible it was that young girls are anorexic and bulemic, but I can't help but envy them because I could never pluck up the courage to purge or starve myself... Lord knows I've tried... Does that sound horrible of me? I'm sorry if I sound unsympathetic to those girls, but every time I see girls my age walking around looking like super models, I can't help wanting to slam my head into a wall... When I tell this to a friend or my mom, all they say is that I shouldn't feel jealous... But I do, and I don't know how to stop feeling that way!

Recently I started the Weight Watchers diet along with my mom, who of course is doing great and looking wonderful. She's lost 20 lbs in three months. I've barely lost 10 lbs in three months... Sometimes I wish I could get liposuction, but then I start to think that even if I could, I'd just gain all the weight back again. That's when I start to hate myself...

The only friend I have who struggles with weight issues is also depressed about herself, but she gets lots of sympathy from everyone because she cuts herself. I tried doing that, just so someone would notice, but I couldn't do it because I'm too afraid of pain. Because I don't cut myself, starve myself, or throw up after every meal, nobody takes me seriously! They think I don't really care about my weight, and in fact my friend has said before that if I were really serious, I'd do something extreme. I tried! I can't! And I don't know what to do or where to turn...

Sometimes I try to read inspirational stories. I idolize Queen Latifah. But it never helps me... I could never be as beautiful as Queen Latifah, and I don't even have half of her confidence...

Because I'm big, and because I'm so tall, nobody has every really thought of me as a sensitive or shy person. All through school, I was seen as snobby or aloof when I was really just shy. Because I'm not small and cute like other girls my age, people never believe me when I tell them I'm shy. Other girls always made fun of me, and even the nice ones would accidentally hurt me. A friend of my younger sister, who happened to be tiny and very skinny, once told me that I seemed strong and that she liked to be around me so I could protect her. I don't want to be seen as strong! I'm NOT strong! People are always so surprised when they find out that I'm physically weak, but I AM! It doesn't help that I'm a lot taller and bigger than my husband, either. I want to be seen as who I am; a shy, sensitive, bookish, artistic daydreamer. But people always see me as the tough one or the "nice fat girl" stereotype... In fact, people are always saying that I look a lot older than I am. When I was sixteen, I had people asking me if I was a teacher and if I had kids... Someone even thought my 10-year-old sister was my daughter...

I wish I could change the way I see myself. I keep thinking that if I could just be happy with who I am, then I could fit into the "nice fat girl" role. But I can't. I don't know how. I'm afraid that if I start to accept that I should change my personality, I'll never lose weight because I'll be content to be the fat one. And like I said, I could NEVER be like Queen Latifah because I'm just not confident enough... If I were like her, I'd be seen as a gorgeous and empowering woman. I wish...

If you actually read all of that, wow. Just wow. I don't really expect anyone to care, but I just had to get it out. Please don't blast me for it...

((hugs)) i can definitely relate to some of that....i was always very very shy growing up and i think sometimes it was taken as snobby because i was also very very smart in school....i've thought of doing drastic things like purging or starving but i just don't have it in me to hurt my body like that and, frankly, if i had the willpower to starve myself, i'd have the willpower to stick to a healthy diet in the first place

No blasting here. Just... understanding. Just check my weight and height, I "get" the tall, big girl thing. So many things I want to touch upon, so I hope you don't mind a little scatterbrained thought process post.

It can take a long time to realize that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks of us. It doesn't matter if they look at me and just see a fat chick. Or if they talk to me one day and think I'm bookish. Or another day and think I'm opinionated. It just... doesn't matter. I know the whole me.

I couldn't DISAGREE more with your friend that "doing something extreme" is how you show you have a problem and want to change. That's absolutely untrue. I haven't done anything extreme to change. And yet here I am. Changed. Changing. Ever changing.

Accepting yourself does not mean you're forced to stay overweight. That's not how "accepting" works. Accepting is liking yourself, but also knowing when change needs to happen. I accept that I'm a normal human, but that to be healthier I need to drop some weight. I'm still going to be me when I get to a lower weight, I've dropped 20 pounds and I'm still me. When I drop 100 lbs I'll still be me.

You don't need "attention" for having a problem, you need to speak to a specialist or therapist. The people you're currently speaking to aren't necessarily familiar with just how easy it can be to have problems that DO NOT manifest in physical ways (like cutting or throwing up). You can be addicted to food or binge without purging, and it's still a SERIOUS problem. Find a therapist and they DO know it's a serious problem, and will take it seriously.

Gosh there's so much more running through my head, but I don't want to bog you down.

You aren't alone. There are plenty who've been where you've been, and as futile as it might sound now...there's hope. You can work through this.

I do hope I see you around the boards more

*Superhug* That's the beauty of this site. People DO care. And I can empathize -- I'm a major foodie. But I've managed to keep my foodie-ing down to a minimum by setting a goal for myself. I'm headstrong and stubborn, so when I want something, I WANT it. My goal is to be 135 by September. You can do it; don't sell yourself short, and NEVER give up.

Oh dear...


Sweetheart... weight loss is easy for NO ONE!!!

We are all on this same path because we all have an issue with food or exercise.

THe fact of the matter is, you have to really WANT to lose the weight. It is not enough to want to want to do it. Only you can make the changes. Only you can decide when enough is enough. Do not look for sympathy from people around you because you will most-likely not get it. I know I never did. Your weight loss has nothing to do with anyone but yourself. And if people tease you or give you a hard time...ignore them. What other people think about you is none of your business.

I don’t mean to sound so harsh but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and make the changes you need in order to feel better for yourself.

This forum is great for support but none of us can make the changes for you.

Hi Piscean Girl

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are very brave, and I congratulate you for having the courage to do so. We all have our own heartbreaks, self-loathing, self-disbelief, and inner demons. Writing about them helps to get some of the hurt and angst out of us and floating freely into cyberspace....where, believe it or not, there are people just like you who can relate and who do care. Every story I read on this site, and other sites, enriches my life and makes me feel less alone. I will share a bit of my story, and hopefully it will help you in some small way.

Twelve weeks ago, the day after my 42nd birthday, I made a committment to starting the Medifast / Take Shape for Life eating plan. Over time, I have learned that it's not just a diet, but a lifestyle change. When I started the plan, I weighed 320 lbs., had dangerously high blood pressure and cholesterol and was pre-diabetic. After 3 weeks, I had dropped 22 life-sucking pounds, my bp /cholesterol / blood sugar were all at healthy levels, and I felt healthier and happier than I had in a decade. Now, at the beginning of week 12, I have lost a total of 54 pounds in 3 months. I have dropped 3 clothing sizes, and get tons of daily WOW, YOU LOOK AMAZING compliments and encouragements. If you want to check out the program, you may go to tsfl.com and read all about it.

I wanted to add that in all of my worldly wisdom, as a single mom to a teenage boy, and as a teacher of elelementary / middle school students, I truly do not believe that you can "change your personality." You shouldn't even try. You are wonderful the way you are! Also, when others tell you that you should not feel a certain way (i.e. "jealous") they are just plain wrong! You cannot help how you feel, and you are entitled to your feelings! Perhaps here, on this site, you will find the validation and support you need. I hope so, because you deserve it!

Your logo of the girl swimming with the dolphin / whale is truly artistic and lovely. I think you are too. You have endless potential and can do anything you set your mind to. By sharing your story, and reaching out for help, you have made the first, crucial step. I wish you well, and would love to hear how you are progressing. We are all here for you, and we believe in you!!!

Sidanne

I wish I could help you feel better about yourself, but that only comes from within. I definitely relate to much of what you talked about. I'm 5'6" and about 248 pounds. What happened right after high school when you gained 110 pounds in a year? It's such a drastic change that I'm wondering if a "life event" occurred causing you to gain weight. Most of my weight and my apparent inability to lose weight is emotionally based. I eat when I'm stressed, I eat when I'm bored, etc. I've always been heavy/pudgy and got horribly teased in high school. I almost shutter when I think about "high school reunions." Is there a gym or a rec center nearby that you could go to? Do have an exercise that you enjoy, or is it all a chore? Personally, I love swimming, but it's hard to get over to the pool to enjoy it. Good luck with you weight loss and personal improvement project. Just remember that there are a lot of us who are struggling right along with you. Hopefully, we can do it together!

i'm sorry you're feeling this way...

just my two cents- don't compare yourself to others, whether it be your mom or your friend who receives sympathy from others. the only person you have to worry about is yourself. also, doing things like purging or cutting to make your issues seem "real" to others is not the best idea. if you feel like there is someone you can talk to, confide in them.

the bottom line is- you have to care about yourself for YOU, and your health and well being. if losing weight is something that will help you feel better, then do what you can. i also have a horrible relationship with food- everyday is a struggle. but you have to make a decision and stick to it as best you can. this forum has always helped keep me in focus, and if you do WW, you also have access to their online community, where you can get and give support. most of my friends are thin/average and do not have the same food issues that i do. yes, they are supportive of me, but they don't understand my issues entirely. that's where 3fc comes in.

also, have you looked into therapy or support groups? doing something like that is a way of you setting time aside for yourself to take care of yourself. it may help. there are also self help books on bingeing and overeating that may help you gain insight. sometimes the best feeling is knowing that you are not alone in this struggle.

i see a lot of "i can't, i'm not", etc...that kind of mentality is hard to change, yes, but it is possible. start somewhere. even if its just looking at yourself in the morning and telling yourself that you deserve to be happy and healthy. you'll start believing it.

as far as eating and exercising- just start small if you find it difficult to stick to a hard core plan. eat lower fat versions of what you like. or eat half of your plate and save the rest for your hubby or for later. exercising- just walk. many members here have lost weight by walking daily for 30 minutes. throw on your mp3 player and just walk around your neighborhood. it's all about finding what works for you.

again, you do deserve to be happy, and reach in and find that confidence within yourself.

you can do it!

good luck!

As the 5'9" gal with the size 12 shoe...
I just want to say that I understand how you feel. Even my toes are not petite, and they never will be. Guess what you have that I don't?

Youth. You are 22. I'm 33. You can turn this around right now. It took me 11 years. 11 years that I won't get back. Think about that. My hubby and I are the same height. I used to never wear high heels, although he'd beg me to. Now I wear them. And yeah, sometimes I can be over 6'0" when I'm rockin' a nice pair of heels. And my hubby LOVES IT!

I know it is hard to change a mindset or to get out of a funk or depression--but with weight loss, you've got to want it, or you don't. Working out makes me feel awesome. It is going to be 100 degrees here today. I run on a treadmill in my garage. But I get up early enough to do it before the weather gets unbearable.

Give yourself credit, set small, doable goals. Take it one day at a time. Focus on your health, mental and physical. Enjoy your youth, and young face in the mirror that doesn't have crow's feet!

Excellent points. Piscean I'd read the above several times and let it's wisdom sink in.

As for losing weight if you don't want to exercise you don't have to but it is very helpful. No need to do a massive amount. Brisk walking early in the morning before it gets hot is plenty. Diet is going to be where 90% of your weight loss comes from.

Goodluck!

I completely know where you are coming from...in more ways than one. I know what it's like to be young with self esteem issues because of weight and life, I know what it's like to have food issues, I definitely know what it's like to be the big, tall girl at 5'10" without shoes on... I am from Central Texas too and good grief what's up with the weather? It's too hot outside to do anything. I like to go ride my bike but I haven't since the weather has been so hot and since I took a bad spill a few weeks ago when the local stray dog chased me and I fell trying to get away. I have turned into a night owl to combat the heat and be able to do anything. I go to sleep late, I wake up late and try to do everything after dark. I'm also a full time college student taking all my classes on line because I too am too far away (and gas is too expensive). At the moment with a full load of college classes I spend the majority of my life in front of a computer screen but I do little things like I get up every hour and walk around the house, I spend an 30 minutes or an hour outside weeding my flower beds and watering or playing with the dog, anything to get me up and moving for even a little bit.
I could go on and on about self esteem issues too but I'll stop for now. I just wanted you to know that there was someone else out there (and someone who lives in the same area) that is going through or who has been through the same kind of things.
If you ever need to just talk...feel free to message me.

You are justified in the way you feel, becuz you must first get rid of all the negative thoughts you have to begin making the change. I get it...I get the discouragement you feel and the difficulty in picking yourself up by the bootstraps. I get that parents do not always get it, the good thing is that you have people around you that love you for you.

Maybe like me, you need to start substituting the "bad" choices in food for the good. As emotional eaters, I think our path is more difficult, but I do believe that getting your feeling out in the open is one of the first ways to get past your weight loss roadblock.

I am so with you when you say that people cannot/refuse to believe that you are shy. I lecture and I can easily address a room of people, I can stare down an interviewer but I cannot do eye to eye with strangers etc..it is dumb, I know, but I have learnt to accept that I am both extroverted and introverted. I wish people would realize that I am shy, but since they probably NEVER will, I have learnt to move past that. I think that with age you will be able to grow in understanding yourself more.

See if you can find your catalyst; it is different for each person. My family tells me that my thought process is negative, but I have learnt to turn the negative into positive (most of the time). Hold your head high, keep your chin up, start doing little things to your appearance. I cannot promise you, but I know that when I started caring about myself, it became easier to begin the weight loss process.

Weightloss doesn't have to be extreme for it be worth it. I did extreme yo-yoing for years. I would be strict with my food intake and then feel depressed when I couldn't stick to perfection.

This time it worked for me because I found something sustainable and NOT feel deprived. I agree with all the posters before me (you got some great advice).

Best of luck. You are still young! I started this when I was around 23 because I didn't want to regret wasting my youth!

Word to the wise, you think you want the attention that cutting brings you. You don't. When I was younger I used to cut, I was kind of in the same boat you were. Feeling terrible about myself, not feeling anything at all most of the other time and cutting made me feel alive and human. I was also stupidly almost starving myself (I still ate, just not enough). My mother found out and as soon as I realized how scared she was for me it scared ME. Of course the people in your life care about you, and you don't need to go down that path to see that! Maybe look into counceling or anti-depressants, because losing the weight isn't going to change how you see yourself. You'll still feel like nothing at 100 something pounds if you can't shake the way you feel about yourself. Good luck!

Also, there's nothing wrong with being tall, girls! I'm not as tall as some of you, but I hear from all of my short family members how much it sucks to be short :-p We may not be able to fit into small places as easily, but we can reach that top shelf! And most of us carry our weight a lot better. Even when I weighed about 40 lbs more than my sister, who is 5'3 or so, I didn't look heavier. There are advantages to being taller! Embrace being an amazon woman :-P

Wow... I don't know what to say! I haven't been on the forum in a while because I was feeling like I'd made a big mistake in posting this... I felt embarrassed about it afterwards, like I was being too whiney, but when I logged on just now and read all the comments, I was floored!

Thank you so much for all the advice! A lot of you were really nice, some of you gave me some tough advice, but I appreciate it all! I'm already starting to feel more positive about myself, so maybe I can start focusing on what's important rather than what a magazine tells me. You're all right about my friend; she's so dramatic, and when I really started to think about it I realized that I don't want to cause other people to worry about me! I realized that her family and friends might pity her, but it's not necessarily a good thing to be pitied. I did realize that I was worrying about myself more than other people worried about me not because they don't love me, but because I don't love myself.

Thank you all so much!!!! I'm going to stop pitying myself and start counting my blessings. There might be someone on this forum that needs real help and advice, and here I am caught up in my own self-made drama... I'm ashamed of the way I was thinking, but I'm glad I learned that lesson. Thank you for caring, and helping me to care!