Hi all -- I have been lurking here for quite a while but it's my first time posting to this forum and admitting to anyone other than myself that I have a bingeing problem. Whether or not you're aware, you've all been a great source of support and inspiration.

I've struggled with my weight for most of my adult life but for the past 5 years or so I have been maintaining at a healthy, happy weight (I'm 5'4", 121lbs. or so.) Usually, I have very good eating habits and actually enjoy exercise and outdoor activities.

However, one thing that really bothers me is that I am terrified of gaining weight which, in turn, makes me way too preoccupied with, and even afraid of, food. Like I said, these bizarre thoughts come and go, but because I restrict myself too much sometimes, it leads to binges of gargantuan proportions about twice a month. Like last night. And of course as it's happening I am in heaven...then come the dark thoughts -- I'm a fat slob, out-of-control behavior, you're crazy, get a grip, etc. This has been happening for about a year.

It's a cycle: like most everyone here, I keep an eye on my weight which fluctuates by 2/3 lbs. (usually up on the scale!) When it creeps up, I go into restriction mode, until it goes back down, at which point I feel great, and binge, in a sick and twisted rewarding "you deserve it" kind of way. I tell myself, "when the scale shows 121, you can have all the chocolate, ice-cream, fill-in-the-blank you want." I fantasize about my binges; binge; feel crappy; then I feel better; and it starts again.

The strange thing is, I do have "naughty" foods -- I make a point of incorporating them so that I don't overtrestrict and crave and set the the stage for a binge. Clearly, it isn't working, so something has to change. I'm guessing it's my attitude.

I know I am not alone, so by posting here and coming out with my problem I am holding myself accountable to you. I promise to all of you that at this very moment, this cycle is ending. I cannot continue to do this to myself and to my body. The buck stops here.

As of today, I am reinvigorating all of the good behaviors it took me so long to learn and reincorporating them into my life. The healthy attitude I have most of the time will be front and center, and I won't let the negatives take over. I'm going to be on 80% good-behavior-mode 100% percent of the time, and exercise my strength of being positive. I will not allow myself to even temporarily look at food as "good" and "bad" but rather as a form of fuel, something to be enjoyed and not be punished by. I won't let myself feel like a failure for missing a workout. Rather, I will think "yey for you, you worked out yesterday and the day before, that's better than not working out at all."

Thanks for reading. I already feel better just by writing this...so please keep me in check. And if anyone out there needs a buddy, please let me know. It would be nice to have someone in similar shoes to check in on me, and vice versa.

Have a great Sunday everyone!

I don't know why we sabotage ourselves - every time I have seen the 130s it's like a switch goes of and I go off plan or binge - It's cause of this that I've set my comfie weight at 143 - granted I like the skinnier feeling of the 130s but I really don't think it's my body's natural weight.

HUGS I understand the struggle - it's been 2 weeks since I binged but I am wrestling with food like crazy today. It's all I can do to not run out and grab CHOCOLATE.

You sound just like me, I've been maintaining for 17mo. As soon as I lost the weight and was at my low of 106lbs. it seemed to give the permission to binge( 4000-6000 cal.). I gained weight, went strict with my diet, lost the weight and then binged again. That's how I maintained for the first year, now I'm binge free since X-mas. Being physically sick for two days after binging was getting to me, I didn't want to feel that anymore. That's what helped me stop. I'm still fighting it, I do over eat sometimes, but I have learned that I don't have to stuff myself til sick. Just stop when I'm full. You can do this!

this made my night, congrats on putting it out there. I think it will help stop the behavior.. lets face it, I think everyone has felt this way at some point.

Keep up the good work

Ladies -- thank you so, so much. I feel infinitely better now, I really do. There's something about knowing for sure you're not alone in the trenches.

SarahinBalance: congrats on 2 weeks free of bingeing. Can't wait to get there myself...I am on day 3 today. Perhaps let yourself have a piece of relatievly healthy dark chocolate today, to curb the craving? Chocolate is my downfall...Jell-0 mousses do the trick most of the time (60 calories each!). Good luck on your journey.

fruitlady: Seems like you and I are/have been on the same path. I agree with you about feeling sick afterwards...for the most part, those emotional feelings of disgust and physical feelings of extreme discomfort are enough to make me want to stop...until they don't, and the binge monster rears it's ugly head again. I sometimes think the sabotage is more of a relief, a reward; as in, you've come so far, did so well, you deserve it kind of thing. But that line of thinking in and of itself is sabotaging because we all know rewarding/punishing/comforting yourself with food is exactly the mindframe we should be trying to leave behind.

amandaswan89: Thanks for your words of encouragement...I figured a public declaration, making a pledge and holding myself accountable will help in some way. I just have to keep perishing thoughts. Once I am back to "normal" weight, I will let myself eat what I want in moderation (mostly sweets) so that I don't deprive myself and binge. Let's see if that works.