More than anything I probably just need to rant...so..
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years now. We live together, and work together. We have to keep our relationship quiet at work since it's a small company and might change the dynamics around here. He's 33, and I'm 20. He's divorced, and has been for a few years now.
We're best friends, we have fun doing anything together. We constantly support each other and we laugh all the time.
That being said, I'd like to get married eventually. He does not. I get some mixed signals from him, since I've heard "I don't believe in marriage" but sometimes he'll tell me that he thinks I'm young and he's just waiting for me to grow up. It seems like he thinks I'll just up and leave in a couple of years, and it hurts me because we are "playing house" so to speak...and I'm not too young for that. But I'm too young for a ring. How do I handle this? I don't want it to be a huge issue, since everything else is pretty great... but I don't want to get my hopes up either. I know you can never force someone into a decision like that.
Also, I want a dog. He won't let me get one. Or he comes up with some excuse and says "why don't we wait? it will be better because blah blah blah" but he has a cat. Granted, I love the cat.... But it belonged to him and his ex wife-- who had a freakin' dog.
I feel like these issues constantly nag at me and I have this feeling that something isn't right... Because it's always in the back of my mind.
I'm worried that one day I may have to walk away from a great situation because we can't compromise.
Has anyone experienced something similar?
As always, thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement and support.
Some people don't want to get married, some people have been married before and don't want to get married and some people do. If you really really want to get married then he may not be the right one for you. If you love him, love being with him and don't care either way, then I'd suggest forgetting about the idea of marriage and see what happens in the relationship.
To me, it sounds like he is a bit shy about being totally committed because I know people that wouldn't want to get married but would be fine with having shared pets. Or maybe he just really doesn't like dogs.
Having said that, I've also known people to be the type that say they don't want to get married, stay in relationships happy to not be married, then something happens to the relationship and they end up getting married to someone else. I was kind of like that as I was in a relationship with someone prior to my husband, I was happy in the relationship but didn't want to get married. I didn't realize it was that I didn't really see myself marrying _that_ person.
Well, I'm going to sound like a prude, which is weird cause I am not one. But why should he marry you? He gets all of the trappings without the commitment. I'm not saying it's a bad thing or you should say no to sex without marriage. I'm saying he is pretty content with the way things are now and has no reason to change anything.
My advice: move out and get a dog. Get to know yourself and what you really want out of life.
I would love to move out and get a dog. My problem with that is that I don't make enough to live conveniently on my own-- I would have to move out to BFE and drive a ridiculous amount of time to and from work. And if I move in to someones house they most likely wouldn't allow a dog, and I'd be paying more than I do at my current house... and again would have to move farther away. I'm going to have to be really committed and/or stubborn.
Well, I'm going to sound like a prude, which is weird cause I am not one. But why should he marry you? He gets all of the trappings without the commitment. I'm not saying it's a bad thing or you should say no to sex without marriage. I'm saying he is pretty content with the way things are now and has no reason to change anything.
My advice: move out and get a dog. Get to know yourself and what you really want out of life.
This. I am totally not against co-habitation, but when it was time to put a ring on it, he put a ring on it. I think that goes with finding someone who is at a similar point in their life as you are. I was still in college when I met DH and he was already done with post grad, but we both wanted the same things out of life. Not to say people aren't capable of changing, but he's 33 and has been through a divorce already. You're 20 and at a totally different place in your life. Someone...somehow... is going to have to do a LOT of changing (and compromising). It sounds like he's expecting that person to be you.
I agree with Midwife. Move out, enjoy your 20's and get a dog. It just doesn't sound like this guy is at a good place. He sounds a little insecure, actually. The whole "not letting you" get a dog is kind of telling as well. Is he your superior at work?
Now I'm going to sound like a nag (goodness, me being a prude and a nag all in one thread----weird!), but I am going to give you some unsolicited advice.
I got married when I was 19 and it has worked out, but that is very rare. I get to have front row view for women's lives every single day. And I'm going to give you the same advice that I give my kids.
Find a way to be independent. School, training, whatever. Have a way to support yourself on your own (and any kids you bring into the world---but that's another story!). When you have the means to be independent, you will then be able to be with someone because you want to be, not because you have to be.
Well, I'm going to sound like a prude, which is weird cause I am not one. But why should he marry you? He gets all of the trappings without the commitment. I'm not saying it's a bad thing or you should say no to sex without marriage. I'm saying he is pretty content with the way things are now and has no reason to change anything.
My advice: move out and get a dog. Get to know yourself and what you really want out of life.
^^This.^^ I was trying to think of a good way to say that, but... there it is.
I met my husband at the lowest of low points in my life. I was 24, he was... 28. Or 27. I dont remember, it was a bad time, lol. ANYways, what I'm trying to say is that I knew and he knew, and we just knew. If there's something I want, and he knows its for a good reason, he is okay with it, because he wants me to be happy. Same as I am for him. He has a dog. I HATE THEM, but she lives in the house with us. I would personally love to save all the homeless kittens all over Ohio, but I can't, but he's okay that we have 2 (1 was his, 1 is mine) and is okay if I adopt another. He doesn't want another cat, but I do, so... its okay.
Anyway, if you are having a reservations like this:
Quote:
it hurts me because we are "playing house" so to speak...and I'm not too young for that. But I'm too young for a ring.
I think you already found your answer. (The bolded part got to me the most.)
When a man (especially a divorced man who is now in his 30's) tells you he doesn't believe in marriage, BELIEVE HIM. He is not confused, he is not unsure, he has been there and done that.
#1 mistake women make is not believing or rationalizing what a man says.
We work for an events production company. He's the audio director, I'm the office manager. we're in different departments, so noone is directly above the other. it would be extremely awkward if we broke up on bad terms and had to work together.
When a man (especially a divorced man who is now in his 30's) tells you he doesn't believe in marriage, BELIEVE HIM. He is not confused, he is not unsure, he has been there and done that.
#1 mistake women make is not believing or rationalizing what a man says.
In the end, whether it's dating or a marriage, for it to work you have to want the same things. It sounds like unfortunately you don't want the same things...you want a ring, he doesn't want that commitment. And you're right you cannot force someone into that, well you can I suppose, but it's not healthy.
I agree with the other ladies, move out and get a dog. You're young, do what you want! Maybe you'll meet that guy that wants commitment! I wouldn't waste your time on someone that doesn't want the same things...most likely he won't change and decide he wants to get married again. I agree with the other ladies, when they say that it sounds like to stay in the relationship, someone will have to compromise and I think he's expecting YOU to.
It sounds like you have reasons for not being in the relationship, but do you have reasons to be in the relationship? Cost of living, awkwardness at work, etc. It may be that the relationship is convenient and there may be discomfort if it ends but maybe that would be the best thing for you.
We work for an events production company. He's the audio director, I'm the office manager. we're in different departments, so noone is directly above the other. it would be extremely awkward if we broke up on bad terms and had to work together.
I don't think it would be awkward if you both decided you want different things out of life. It wouldn't have to necessarily end badly...things "just didn't work out."
Well, I'm going to sound like a prude, which is weird cause I am not one. But why should he marry you? He gets all of the trappings without the commitment. I'm not saying it's a bad thing or you should say no to sex without marriage. I'm saying he is pretty content with the way things are now and has no reason to change anything.
My advice: move out and get a dog. Get to know yourself and what you really want out of life.
I love everything else about our relationship-- he truly is a wonderful guy. I'm very torn between being happy with the situation, or leaving because we want different things. And recently he seems to have become more open to the idea of marriage.... just not in the near future.
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