So you remember the silent 'friend'?
For years very good company, strictly platonic but very close.
1 day I asked him to stop bullying me on the phone and he swore at me.
Since then (end June) he has not voluntarily spoken to me - used to be he'd ring several times a week.
I thought we were getting back on track but after a couple of calls realized that if I rang him, he spoke, civilly enough, but never, ever rang again. Classic domination tendencies, imho, you know, all take take take but no give, and yet not quite doing anything 'wrong'.
So I stopped ringing him, I have more self respect than that. Some days it's been a wrench because we got on so well at a lot of levels. Mostly, I don't think about him; when I went to Paris last month, the freedom of doing my own, sometimes trashy thing without being criticized for it, was sheer joy!
However, today is one of the days when I 'd have rung him after the service today. Remembrance Sunday is a biggie and we always used to compare notes. I am seriously tempted to ring, casual like, for a conversation we've had this time every year for 12 years. I thought I'd like to hear chickies' views. Kindly, please.
Thankyou.
You have to be strong. The temptation to give in is so strong -- believe me, I know, I am going through the same silent treatment myself right now with someone who was very important to me. But if you give in, all the power is right back in his hands, and you will end up feeling terrible about yourself.
Just say no! Take a long walk to distract yourself. Play with the dogs. Call another friend and talk to them. Whatever helps, until finally the urge has passed. You can do it.
I think you know already what you should do. You said it yourself in your post. It was nice to be free to be yourself in Paris without his criticisms. A person that deserves to be in your life will help you make your inner light shine brighter, not try to extinguish it because s/he can.
Imagine your best came to you and told you the story of your relationship with this friend. What advice would you give her? Let him go. You can still hold on to the happy memories you shared with your friend, but the occasional happy memory is not something to build a life around. Cherish your memories, and find someone you can build a lifetime of new memories with.
I'm not familiar with the circumstances of this friendship beyond what you said in your original post, but I can only echo the thoughts expressed here by thistoo and Iheartsushi418. You are worth better treatment than what you've received. I know it's hard, but you need to hold fast to your decision.
It might help to keep in mind that this fellow has already made some decisions about how he's going to treat you -- evident by the fact that he has not called you since he swore at you. If he valued the friendship as he should, he would realize that he owes you an apology for such shoddy treatment and would have gotten in touch. He hasn't, so clearly something else is more important than your feelings (his pride?). Hard as it may be to accept, it's obvious he has a different agenda than you do in pursuing the friendship.
Alternatively, if you don't mind having the friendship solely on his terms, then I say go ahead and call him... but I don't think that's what I heard in your post.
Take good care of you.... I know how hard this is.
Stay strong, Rosinante. raebeaR made a very good point; he has already decided how he is going to treat you when he decided to swear at you and then stop calling you.
Is there another friend you can call? I know it's not the same, but is there someone in your congregation who might be feeling badly today and could use the comfort of a Remembrance Day phone call? If so, consider calling them and I'm sure that will make you feel better. Take the dogs for a walk in the brisk air.
I'm sorry that your ex-friend is being such a pill. Remember who you are; you are the girl who was free and happy in Paris. You are the girl who is becoming herself again by being fit. You are the leader of your congregation. You are a person who deserves friends who can do better than cursing at you and refusing to apologize or call you.
It's very sad to lose a friendship you have had for 12 years. Maybe he felt betrayed when you told him to stop bullying you. After all, if you have known each other for 12 years and you've never said anything before, it would be a slap in the face. And he obviously has massive hurt feelings. Perhaps more than they should be given what you said. You are the only one who knows about your past relationship; what it was based on. Was it really you taking abuse and him doling it out? Then of course you don't need that in your life. Or was it one of those things where you both have agreed on how you interact and you changed the rules? I'm of course thinking about my own friendships and how at one point I decided to just cut them out of my life because every time I was with them I ended up pissed off and angry. But, I had known both of them for years and they knew all about me and all about my kids and our mothers were friends. So, I decided that there was no way I could replace that in my life, so I rekindled the friendships and tried to be a little more tolerant (a lot more tolerant!). You of course can't be a victim. After a really honest assessment of your past relationship, if you decide, could you write him a letter and tell him your feelings? Give him a chance to save face and if he doesn't respond then at least you have closure.
well, you've got all your answers and made your decision, I just wanted to add that I remember reading those posts you made about him. I've had relationships that made me feel bad emotionally. You deserve better than that, and don't have accept it. Concentrate your friendship efforts on people who deserve it.
I reflected on your challenging questions, Suezeeque, but no, he really was very bullying on the phone; his response, both in the swearing (I'm in no way pure as the driven snow when it comes to language but in my culture, big, loud men don't use the F-word to women) was excessive - there's hurt feelings and then there's petulant; I made many overtures to put things back on track which have not been accepted.
Today, almost for the first time, I just missed him but yea, I've no inkling that anything would be any different - indeed, I had a doorstep beggar call the other day (I've met him once before) who made it clear that the Silent One, who's known him for years, had complained to him about me! Imagine!
I'm a wee bit lonely at the moment but ~
"Don't tread on me." (US)
"Wha daur meddle wi me?" (Scots)
"Touch not the cat bot a glove" (Clan MacPherson)
OT -need a little relationship advice, please..
