Frustrated by WL surgery cousin trying to give me diet and exercise advice
Hi folks.
I have been absent for a while, mostly due to work commitments. Anyway, I have a cousin who recently got the gastric by pass surgery. She used to be heavier than me, and is now much thinner.
I myself have lost 140+ pounds via exercise and diet. What has been angering me intensely is how she is constantly comparing how much more weight she has lost than me. She actually has the nerve to offer me diet advice and has been hounding me to take her to the gym with me. I relented once, and she kept showing that she could outpace me on the stair climber. I was thinking to myself "Well of course you run upstairs, you are 70 pounds lighter than me!!" I didn't say anything of course, but the last straw, was a comment she made to me while I was eating one of my 6 small meals. She told me: "that is why you are still so heavy, you are always eating".
I am really frustrated at her behavior, especially how she tires to claim that she has worked so hard to get to her goal. I know she hardly ever exercises, and frankly, without the surgery, she would be just as heavy if not heavier than me.
Because she is family, I can't quite ex-communicate her, so what should I do? Especially since she knows my phone number and where I live, and comes to family functions.
Personally, I think that she might be a bit insecure with herself and her body changes. She might even be a little frustrated because you're doing it the "old fashioned" way and she opted for surgery. Not saying that either is better than the other but she may be feeling a little...disappointed in herself? For not being able to take the weight off without surgery.
Regardless of the issue, this is her issue. I wouldn't ignore her but I would refuse to engage her when it comes to issues of weight and diet. Don't give her that kind of power over you.
For example, when she's saying that the reason you're still fat b/c you eat so many meals you could simply smile (sweet as butter) and say "that's an interesting theory" and then immediately spot someone you just have to talk to.
When she boasts that she can climb the stairs faster than you can, smile and tell her "way to go". What she can do in no way diminishes your accomplishments.
You are amazing! Look at what you have accomplished WITHOUT surgery. I don't think holding in frustration is a good idea. I think I stuffed my face to stop from saying what needed to be said. I believe you would be better off talking with her WHEN you can do it calmly, without raising your voice or attacking. I would simply state to her that you have lost 149 pounds through diet and exercise and do not need or want advice from her. When she comments on how much you eat answer by saying I have lost 149 pounds on my own doing it this way so I don't need your advice. I know from friends who have had the surgery that they are unable to eat very much at all. The 6 meals you are doing is the best way to keep your metabolism working. Let her know you are competing with yourself not her.
Good Luck! Let us know what you decide to do and how it works out for you.
First off, I want to say that surgery is not the "easy way", and that if she has lost weight, she has worked for it, albeit in a different way than you have. She MAY be feeling insecure about it, but different things work for different people, and anyone who undertakes major weight loss is doing the work.
For all unsolicited advice, I rely on the "acknowledge and smile"...you've gotten some suggestions for that already. "That's an interesting idea - I'll consider it" or "Hmm, I will talk to my doctor about that", etc. Since you're not arguing, it makes it VERY hard for the conversation to continue.
Let's say you did choose to argue. She says something you don't agree with, you counter it, she continues arguing and the conversation lasts way longer than you'd want or need it to. But by not arguing, you cut the conversation off at the beginning - she feels heard, you're under no obligation to change anything based on her advice, and you can move onto other topics.
She may honestly believe she is helping you - I think it's time to face her and tell her that those comments are not helpful but that they are hurtful. Easier said than done, but if you do not tell her to stop she may feel that you appreciate the comments.
This may be a controversial opinion, and I don't mean to highjack the thread, but how is surgery not 'the easy way'? Maybe it is no cake walk, but I would imagine that losing 100+ lbs with diet, exercise, and sweat is more difficult than having a (albeit painful) surgery to aid you along.
Because regardless of the surgery, you still have to control what you eat and exercise. It's basically a tool to enforce a dietary change.
In addition to the surgical risks and recovery, it is no guaranteed success. If you do not permanently alter your habits, you will not maintain a weight loss. If you do not work your particular post-surgical program, you will not maintain a weight loss. Weight regain after surgery is nearly as common as weight regain after non-surgical loss (there have been at least 2 Biggest Loser contestants who had weight loss surgery, did not change their lifestyle, and ended up big enough to qualify as contestants, for example).
Bottom line - lots of us use tools (an elliptical trainer is a tool. Fiber is a tool for making us feel more full. Weight Watchers and calorie counting are tools for managing what we eat. I could go on and on). Weight loss surgery is another kind of tool. But just as I could "count calories" and still consume too much, you can have surgery and still consume too much. Like other tools, it takes effort and permanent lifestyle changes to make a weight loss surgery work for loss and maintenance.
Having major surgery. recovering, relearning how to eat, fairly regular dr visits for check ups, managing vitamins, and changing how you deal with food for the rest of your life, dealing with possible health issues.
Its a different way of doing it. While the weight comes off alot faster, its still a journey albeit a very different one.
Am I jealous occasionally, yup, but I realize it is just as much work to adjust and deal with the surgery as it is to lose it without it.
to the original poster. I am also pretty sure your family member isn't sharing some of the downs of her weight loss.
Quote:
Originally Posted by onherweighdown
This may be a controversial opinion, and I don't mean to highjack the thread, but how is surgery not 'the easy way'? Maybe it is no cake walk, but I would imagine that losing 100+ lbs with diet, exercise, and sweat is more difficult than having a (albeit painful) surgery to aid you along.
I have a friend who's husband has "seen the light" and lost 60lbs doing WW. she makes ALL of his food and tells him what the points are. She teaches spin, we walk 5 days a week together and she plays tennis 3 days a week too and bikes on the weekends. Now that he has seen the light he is telling her (skinny thing she is, and she works for it too) how to eat well and exercise...really?
Anyway, I agree with the above poster, I think your cousin is feeling good and yes WLS is a tool, and clearly the tool that has helped her. It will take you longer to lose your weight because you don't have this particular tool, just yes her, tell her she looks great and you will continue to plugg away. If she wants to go to the gym with you, take her, she may need the comfort of you there to get herself going too. you could find a really good partner in crime with your WL, so if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, be the support to her that you want her to be to you. you could find a really good Ally
As for my friend, she is the best, her husband is a ***, always has been always will be. I hope he loses the next 60 lbs and keeps it off, but it will because of her and her taking care of him..I would call her a tool too but I would never say anything bad about her :-)
Right! I mean, if this were your boss doing this I could see being diplomatic about it, but if a close family member were saying this to me I would tell her to stick it where the sun don't shine! Seriously, you just need to tell her to cut it out. Your weight loss (AMAZING) is a little slower than hers, sure, but you are doing AWESOME and you don't need someone undercutting your efforts.
Personally, this sounds like a terrific time to discover the answer to the age old question "Just how far CAN one stick their head up their own behind?" With a little help, of course.
Frustrated by WL surgery cousin trying to give me diet and exercise advice
