How do you break ties from your parents at a young age?
Sorry about the long "advice" thread. This isn't something that I want to discuss with close friends or family, and I've seen people get great advice on here so I thought I'd give it a shot.
My mom can be awesome sometimes, but sometimes I feel like she's borderline psychotic. She tries to control every aspect of my life and I don't have any space to breathe. She insists that I call her "mommy" (I'm 18 years old) and swears that my boyfriend is verbally abusive even though he isn't at all. He's stable, has a job, goes to school, and can support himself. He hates her and honestly, it's with good reason. She's destroying my relationship because he doesn't want to deal with her outbursts and controlling nature. She's overbearing 80% of the time.
The other 20% of the time, I love her and we have a lot in common. However, it takes one sentence to swing her into crying, yelling, freaking out mode. Everyone in my house is constantly on edge. The other day we were in the bathroom and I asked her to get out of my "bubble" as a joke (I'm weird about personal space) and she got so upset and offended by it like I did something horrible and unforgivable. I seriously think she might be bipolar, but I doubt she would ever seek professional help.
She financially supports me because I'm 18, I have no work experience and no license. I'm working on my license, but even if I get a minimum wage job I don't think I'll have enough money to live on my own. I also need her to pay for college, which I'm starting in Spring. One option is living on campus somewhere and getting a job nearby, but I can only go to community college because I majorly screwed up in high school. Most community colleges don't have student housing. Once I get my license, does anyone have any advice on what the next step is? A license is useless without a car, and I live in a small city so it's hard to get a job even somewhere like McDonald's. I want to start living my life without my mom and controlling me but I feel stuck.
First, I'd have to say don't break ties with your family. You will most likely regret it later. Having said that, once you get your license, you should get a job. Even if you can't live on your own, you'll still be away from the chaos more often and will have a little more independence. You can also save money for other things, like college and such. Many community colleges can find low cost accomodations near by for full time students, so keep that in mind as well. Speaking from a mother's point of view, please remember that, while none of us are perfect, we do try to do what we think is right. Sometimes we're wrong, but we do try. Your mom gave you life and supported you for all of it so far. You have lots of options besides cutting ties. Good luck to you and I hope your situation improves!
Have you looked into any sort of government-style housing? I know in my very small community, single individuals with low income can qualify for reduced-cost housing if they have a job and pass the screening process. It wouldn't be ideal, but sounds to be more ideal than the situation you are in now...at least until you can get money saved or get out of school and find a permanent job.
Hi Linsy. My mom actually is bipolar, severely so, so I might be able to offer you some help and perspective, but I'll warn ya, it's loooooong!
First of all, living as an adult with your parents is always hard. You're an adult, they still see you as a child since you still live with them, they want you to respect things like curfews, cleaning up etc.. (not saying you don't do that, just tossing out generalities) while you want to be treated as an adult and be allowed to do as you please, like every adult has a right to do!
Now, I can tell you that it might be possible that your mom is bipolar, but it's very difficult to get a diagnosis. It's something that has to be diagnosed over a long period of time. A bipolar person gets very, very depressed, angry, irritable and overall AWFUL very easily, and then *poof* everything is fine and the world is all roses and they can conquer the world. They go from one extreme to the other on a regular basis for years. You can literally see the downslide with my mom. She slowly has more and more outbursts until she's at the bottom, she's there for a few weeks, then more and more extremely happy episodes start until she's at her peak. Then the whole process starts over. During these waves, she has peaks and falls as well. She'll be fine one minute and mid-sentence her tone will change and WATCH OUT.
I'm not talking to my mom anymore. Not because she's bipolar, but because of the lifestyle she chooses to live. She's into drugs, shady people, she's toxic with the way she speaks to me, and the breaking point was when my hubby's grandma died last month. We went back to our home state for the funeral, and not only did my mom look like **** (she'd lost a lot of weight from drug use and a starvation diet) but she was very negative and guilt tripped me for not immediately coming to see her as soon as we arrived after the 10 hour drive. Later, she wanted me to bring the kids to her house, but she had a child abuser living there and there was no way I was going to have my kids around her or that man. She got mad and said a bunch of stuff, mainly that I don't love her and I think I'm so much better than her and I have no right to tell her who she can or can't have living with her. I don't have that right, but I do have the right to decide what to expose my kids to. Anyway, by the end of the conversation I was VERY upset. Dealing with the death in the family, the drive and my relationship with her in general (extreeeeemely toxic most of my life) was too much. My husband drove in to see her and told her she wasn't allowed to do this to me anymore. She and her boyfriend got extremely nasty with hubby, and my mom threatened suicide if I took the kids from her. That was it. He said absolutely not, and left. 2 days after we returned home, I got a voicemail from her boyfriend saying my mom was on her way to the hospital and it was my fault. She attempted suicide. He watched her take the pills, called an ambulance, then called me. She's done things like this before, once threatening to show up at my workplace with a gun taped to her hand so I "could see her blow her head off" is what she told the police. (I worked at the police department, another dispatcher took the call). She kicked me out and destroyed all my clothes, books etc. when I was 14 because she felt my step-dad was looking at me inappropriately. I had to go live with my grandparents until I moved out on my own when I was 18 or 19.
Anyway, THAT'S toxic. THAT'S how bad a relationship can deteriorate if all parties involved don't get help, especially if a mental disorder may be contributing to the problem. If you can't sit down and talk with your mom about the problems, try to get yourself out of the situation so you have more control over your own life, and are able to love your mom and still have boundaries. I had many "break-ups" with my mom where I made it clear that if she didn't respect my boundaries, as well as keep her drug use and criminal activity away, that I couldn't expose myself or my family to her. I don't think you need to "break-up" with your mom, you just need some boundaries. Don't cut someone out of your life, especially your mother, unless it is a dire situation. I wish every day that I didn't have to totally cut her out of my life, she IS my mother and I DO love and respect her, as my mother, a great deal, even though she wasn't a very GOOD mother.
What I did was get a minimum wage job and just left. Walked out at 17 with nothing but a box of Kraft dinner to eat.
Here`s the thing - you can`t expect her to pay for college and then say you want to break ties. If you want to live your own life by your own terms, you drop the college issue. What I did was take one semester off, get a full time job, and go to school part-time. Yes, it took me 7 years to finish my degree but I got out of the house (alcoholic father).
You can`t have your cake and eat it too. You`ll have to work at a place like McD`s, or move to another town where there is work. Not the way you would like it to be - but if you want to `break ties`and be seen as an independent adult, you need to be independent without excuses
Yup, like Sacha I walked out the door and never looked back.
Just because someone gives birth to you, you do not have to live constantly on the edge and tolerate outbursts and abusive behaviors.
It will be a struggle. You'll have to work harder than people who have family support. You'll be broke. You'll eat Ramen. You'll stay up later and get up earlier than other people. But you'll be free. And the one thing survivors of abusive families have in spades is resilience and strength. Harness that inner strength. You'll find a way. When the abuse and lifestyle becomes completely unacceptable, you'll have found the right mix of stubborness and will power and you'll never regret it.
We are truly the architects of our futures. You will survive and you will create your life to be the kind of life you want it to be.
ETA: Re: regret breaking the ties? Never, never, never, not even for a single second. I knew that in order for me to have my own mental health and peace, I would not longer be able to participate in the dysfunction. I hear bits and pieces from extended family about how the dysfunction continues and how it is negatively impacting other family members and other children. My own children have been untouched by all of that. Not a single regret about the choices I have made.
First, I'd have to say don't break ties with your family. You will most likely regret it later. Having said that, once you get your license, you should get a job. Even if you can't live on your own, you'll still be away from the chaos more often and will have a little more independence. You can also save money for other things, like college and such. Many community colleges can find low cost accomodations near by for full time students, so keep that in mind as well. Speaking from a mother's point of view, please remember that, while none of us are perfect, we do try to do what we think is right. Sometimes we're wrong, but we do try. Your mom gave you life and supported you for all of it so far. You have lots of options besides cutting ties. Good luck to you and I hope your situation improves!
I agree with pretty much all of that, and ESPECIALLY the bolded part. One day, do you want to have to explain to your children (assuming you have them) why they don't have grandparents on your side? I can't imagine that will be easy, as I'm having a hard time trying to come up with something to eventually tell my future children why my Mom passed away so early in life. I'm not looking forward to that conversation.
Also:
If you do leave, don't depend on her for ANYTHING. College, car, food, anything. If you choose to stay, you should be expected to act like an adult. Responsibility is something MOST adults do, like helping out around the house and all that.
I would at least get a license and a job, and make sure your boyfriend keeps his mouth closed about he feels in front of her. That is disrespectful, even if she doesn't deserve it, he still should be the bigger man.
Good luck. I wish every second that I could have my mom back for a day!
I knew my mother & father were mentally ill by the time I was 4-5yo. I knew I just had to 1) survive 2) escape.
I moved out at 16, and legally emancipated. I broke ties with HER (dad died) many years ago, and I DO NOT REGRET IT! The more crazy stories I hear about her, the more I know that I did the right thing. And if I had children I'd proudly tell them how I've protected them from the insanity that is/was my family.
Your sweet, stable boyfriend will/should make his decision on his relationship with you based on how you handle your mother. Most men do not want to sign up for a life full of mamma drama.
However, it sounds like you need her to finance your college, so you need to learn to manage her, and gradually distance yourself from her. You'd be homeless if you cut her off totally, right? Personally, I would work it until you got out of school. You could put it on a resume "can manage difficult personalities"
What I did was get a minimum wage job and just left. Walked out at 17 with nothing but a box of Kraft dinner to eat.
Here`s the thing - you can`t expect her to pay for college and then say you want to break ties. If you want to live your own life by your own terms, you drop the college issue. What I did was take one semester off, get a full time job, and go to school part-time. Yes, it took me 7 years to finish my degree but I got out of the house (alcoholic father).
You can`t have your cake and eat it too. You`ll have to work at a place like McD`s, or move to another town where there is work. Not the way you would like it to be - but if you want to `break ties`and be seen as an independent adult, you need to be independent without excuses
Good luck
Completely agree. While you may end up not wanting to cut all ties with her (I have, with no regrets. I'd rather not perpetuate the madness that surrounded my childhood and has only escalated as she's aged), you should be taking steps to become independent from her. Perhaps you can manage this relationship from a healthy distance. It sounds like if you continue to "need" her financially, that likely won't happen.
Thank all of you for your help. A lot of you helped me put the whole situation into perspective.
No, I don't want to completely break ties with my mom. I guess I just want to distance myself from her because she brings me and everyone down with her. I don't think she's particularly abusive, but she is definitely depressing and it's not something that I need or want to be around.
Pint sized terror: I appreciate your post and I read every word of it. I'm sorry about your mother but I'm glad that you were able to move on and not allow her to affect your life too much. My mom is not into shady people or illegal drugs or anything like that, but she had a few other things happen that sent her into depression and she threatened suicide a few times. I tried my best to help around the house while she laid in bed for a straight week while also comforting her and trying to get her to face reality.
kateleestar: My boyfriend never says anything about her to her face. He knows that she's my mom and stays respectful even though he doesn't agree with how she acts. They both know that they don't like each other though, lol. It's the least of my worries right now.
I'm sitting in the living room as I type this talking to my mom. She told me that if I get my license and a job, I could use her car to drive to and from work. That helps tremendously. Although it's dependent on my mom and I'll have to live here for a while longer, it will allow me to save up money for a cheap car and then later a small apartment. Since I'm going to community college it's pretty cheap, $25 a unit or something so I'm not worried about that. She also said she would help with my finances as I'm starting out. I don't want to be dependent on her but if being dependent on her for now helps me get financially stable faster then so be it.
It's so hard for me to be upset with her, because like right now she's completely normal and understanding. Could she possibly be bipolar? Her sudden mood swings don't seem normal but it's also not as extreme as how Pint sized terror explained it. I wish I could get her to agree with getting professional help but I don't know how to approach it without her getting upset.
Sorry for the jumbled up thoughts, awkward grammar and the extremely long post. I typed as thoughts came to me so it might be a little bit confusing.
Hi Linsy, Well it seems that you have gotten to be a bit more sensible about things.
I'm a grtgrandmum and one of the things that came across to me is the WAY in which young folk talk today. What I mean is that whilst the term "get out of my bubble" may be quite a usual type of thing you would say to your mates and they would understand the whole meaning of that, to me and perhaps your mum it sounds quite brash and disrespectful. Added to that you then go on to talk very disparagingly of how you just need her for your financial support! - and that is just very childish to say the least!
You never know what is round the corner and there may well be times, even when you get your own place, get married, have a family, whatever - it's always nice to have Mum there to turn to for the odd bit of money or support one way or the other.
Hope things turn out well for you and keep your family near despite all your misgivings. Sure wish I had a mum that I could have turned to.
Just because someone gives birth to you, you do not have to live constantly on the edge and tolerate outbursts and abusive behaviors.
I agree completely with this. I cut my father out of my life and I've distanced myself from my mother. When I was in high school, I planned, planned and planned some more for leaving. My relationship with my mom (and stepdad) actually improved after I moved out but lately I've been having difficulty with my mom even though we are 3000 miles apart.
How do you break ties from your parents at a young age?
