Why I started working out
Hi, I'm new here. Well, long time on and off lurker. Anyway, here's my situation.
Let's just stick with Runic as my name. I'm 26, not sure of my exact weight but I know it's been as high as 270s. I'm 5'4" and around a size 22. 20 if I want to squeeze my butt into some smaller pants, but 22 is comfortable. lol
I've always been overweight but for some reason when I was only 30 lbs overweight I thought I was WAY HUGE and obese. I wasn't. I am now. The body image thing really screws you up. I always felt like why bother. I don't care. Blah blah blah.
When I was about 20 I met a great guy and I've been with him since. Well mostly. We'll get to that in a minute. Anyway he was average sized, I was around 200 lbs and didn't feel all that bad about myself. Sure, I wanted to lose some weight, but I wasn't really that down about it either at the time. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and I had a lot more confidence then I did as a kid.
Then me and the guy moved in together. And we ate. A lot. And by a lot I mean like huuuuuge steaks covered in blue cheese and hot sauce (I know!) and 3 lbs of deep fried chicken wings... omg yes, we had a deep fryer. So we both gained 50 lbs-ish in just a couple of years... maybe a year. To make things worse we both started working from home, rather than having to walk to work and you know, move our bodies. Then of course, depression set in.
I had a few points when I tried to lose weight and I was determined... the longest spurt lasted about 2 months... I had lost 20 lbs and I'll never forget this... he said to me, "wow, your face is coming back." He meant it as a compliment but since gaining back that 20lbs and then some I feel like I have no face... just a fat blob where a face should go. Anyway, I don't hold this against him... it's just something that bugs me about gaining weight. He's very sweet and is the only person who's ever made me feel beautiful. (Which I'm trying to change by making MYSELF feel that way).
Okay so back to the part where I said we've MOSTLY been together for 6 years... a few months back we broke up and I moved in with my parents. He started going on dates... like right away! I think we were apart for maybe a month when I found this out. I was pretty devastated... even though (haha) I broke up with him and had been talking about updating an old dating site profile... so I guess I kinda deserved that. Anyway I realized he was going out and meeting new girls a lot and had updated his profile pics. And he looked pretty cute in them. I on the other hand was hiding my body and using pics from when I was 20... he made a comment that they were old and I felt like pathetic for clinging to my youth and hiding behind my smaller size. So I decided to take some new pictures.
Not having a regular camera, but a camcorder I decided to take some video of myself and screen capture an image I like. This is probably the most embarrassing thing I've ever admitted to strangers... but I set up the camera, changed into a couple of outfits and made weird faces and poses for about 10 minutes. Lol. It was absurd. Reviewing the footage was kind of upsetting. I looked so fat and it was impossible to hide it. I had a picture of myself with a similar haircut and by coincidence the same shirt from 6 years ago and I looked so bad in comparison. I only got one shot that remotely okay... in 10 minutes of footage. Lol.
I know this sounds like torture but I made myself look at it again. And again. And really analyze it. It wasn't that bad. After I accepted the fact that yes, I'm obese... I have a pretty face, cute hair and I really didn't look THAT bad. I started to fall in love with the picture I picked out even. I realized, although extremely planned, it was the best picture taken of me in a few years. I use it proudly now.
But... I was still upset. I still felt embarrassed by how fat I was. In fact that's why I spent the better part of the past few years staying inside. But if the ex-boyfriend was going out and having fun, so was I. I was determined not to let my weight get in the way of living.
So all pumped up and determined to make a change, I realized it was about 4 in the morning. So I stretched, put on my sneakers and started walking. I walked almost 2 miles, half of the trip up a very steep hill. I felt like I was dying by the top of the hill but I made it. Actually it was kind of cathartic... at the top of the hill there was a street light that symbolized the end of my struggle. I started getting up at 4am every day after that and walked 2-3 times a week. Other days I danced, did crunches or a workout video. That was about 6 and a half weeks ago and I'm still working out. Although my first few weeks were kind of intense (2-3 hours of exercise most days) I'm keeping a steady 30 mins to an hour a few times a week.
Anyway, completely unrelated to the exercising, but I'm back with the guy. Since breaking up was SUCH a huge motivator I'm a bit nervous that getting back with him will let me get complacent. I don't want to do that. Since I've been back it's been a little tough to keep up the pace I was at while living at my parents, but that's why I decided to post here... I want to stay focused and motivated by sharing a bit of my story. So.... thanks for reading. And thanks to everyone who posts their story. It's really helpful in staying positive and feeling like I can do it too.
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Dhani 
Runic!
