No, I WILL post this... Intuitive Eating, 1 year down the line
I was going to put this up a week or so ago, then re-read it, thought I was being patronizing, and deleted it. I used to post here a lot about...well I joined in 2006. A lot has changed since then.
But having thought about it...I feel strongly about the changes I've made with my relationship with food, and it has changed my life so much, that I think it is worth the risk. Readers can take it or leave it, right? Right.
So here I go!
Some background which might be helpful for those who never knew me on here - I'm female, 21, medium build, (6in wrists). I was not a slim child and not a slim adolescent either, at 5ft 5ins and 162lbs at the age of 12. Then, my father, who was quite overweight, went on a major exercise/diet kick and lost about 50lbs. (He regained all of this, but still enjoys cycling a lot, his physical fitness isn't bad). This was a big factor in my becoming (fairly..not as bad as some, but still) anorexic, ending up 5ft 6ins and 110lbs at the age of 14.
My mother tried to take me to the doctor, who ignored the problem. I exercised myself into a seizure. I was yellow. My hair thinned. Eventually, after my mother yelled at me a fair bit, I gradually started to "re-feed", and stabilised at 5ft 7ins, 140lbs, when I was 16.
However, then the ED-NOS/Binge Eating Disorder kicked in. I retained, and still retain, a genuine fondness for exercise, and I never went over 145lbs during my BED years - 16 - 19 years of age - but dear Lord, was I miserable. I tried to diet, but that lead to bingeing. I tried Atkins, Food journaling, Calorie counting (probably documented on here, somewhere), "Abstaining" from foods, you name it.
To cut a bit of a narrative short(er), I had a bit of success with the "journal your food, and just try not to let yourself binge" tactic. I havn't binged now since April 2008. So it worked for a while. However, the fact that even when I stopped bingeing - so dropped at least 6,000 calories/week - my weight didn't go below about 140lbs made me wonder if weightloss really was as simple as calories in/out. This suspicion was furthered as the months went on, I'll get to that!
But the turning point was January 2009. I chucked out my scales, and decided I'd never diet again, and weigh in only occasionally at my parents' house. It wasn't working for me. According to many studies, it doesn't work for the vast majority of people either, whether its low-fat, low-protein, etc. Maybe I could get there for a week or two through willpower; but every day would have to be A Day On A Diet. I was 20, and I wanted to sign up for that sort of misery? There had to be a different way.
I read Susie Orbach, Geneen Roth, Audrey and Sophie Boss' "Beyond Chocolate" (cannot recommend highly enough), my Biological Psychology textbooks...all had a basically similar message - dieting rarely works, you will not be able to summon (in all probability) the iron will to just avoid "bad foods" for years and years, your weight will probably come back, and banning foods makes you binge on them.
It seemed insane after about 7 years of trying to diet. I had to re-evaluate my experiences in a rather different light - perhaps I'd been wrong? A horrifying prospect because a) I don't like being wrong and b) the implication was that I'd wasted years being miserable and depriving myself, to control my weight which didn't seem to make me much happier anyway even when it was lower.
Deciding to take a chance on this approach - Intuitive Eating - I followed an outline summarised by Paul Mckenna's "I Can Make You Thin", not the best Intuitive Eating book available but not too bad. Truly scary at first, and to this day I have that wretched automatic ED calorie-counter. But its getting quieter. Some days I felt despairing - what if I NEVER stopped craving biscuits/cake/etc? But what was the alternative? Dieting? OK, I thought, I'm just gonna do it. For a year. Lets see what happens! With no scales in the flat anymore, sometimes it really was a leap of faith.
Guess what..at beginning of 2010, a year later, I weighed/weigh 134lbs. 8lbs off since the beginning of the year..and I'd thought during my BED years that I'd never get below 140lbs, that my body hated me, that all it wanted was refined carbs which I thought I was addicted to. I have no idea precisely *when* they came off, since I wasn't weighing. I think I was 142lbs at beginning of 2009, judging by my past posts on here I was thinking I'd lost down to 138lbs (why? Was it a hunch? Who knows.) by the end of January..anyway, either way, 8lbs during 2009 at some point! I also lost 0.5 in off my waist quickly in early 2009, and now I've lost more, I think another inch or so, down to 29 ins.
Wished I'd kept a better record (I THINK I was 31 in waist before..) and also measured other areas, but I was only concerned with my stomach. I'd like to get from 29in waist to 26 in waist..in time. I had it before, perhaps I can have it again. But no huge deal, its not something that will majorly change my life.
So now...5ft 7ins (still), 134lbs, much happier. I do a moderate amount of exercise, I eat what I want, and food has almost no power over me. I reckon my weight will drop a few more pounds - I sort of *feel* that it will - but I'm in no hurry. Its been worth it already. I eat a lot of fruit and like vegetables. I can keep a carton of ice cream in the freezer for a month, and forget about it. Did not happen overnight, but it happened in time.
Everyone has to do what works for them. Sure, some people can lose weight permanently through diet and exercise - but I can't, neither can a lot of other people. Some people might be able to "white knuckle" it through BED, but I can't, and I suspect a lot of others can't either.
The only inconsistency remaining in this outlook is that I did technically "keep off" 20lbs or so of my original anorexic weightloss, going back up to 145lbs rather than the original 168lbs - however, since I'd regained 35lbs from my anorexic low point, 110lbs up to 145lbs, the trend may well have continued had I not looked for a different approach. I'd also say, obviously, that anorexia isn't a diet!
Well hello there. Of course I remember you! I'm so glad to hear from you - yet alone with such wonderful news.
I'm so thrilled for you that you've found work works for you. That you've found the right mix. It sounds like you're in a very comfortable food/exercise spot. And that's a real nice place to be!
Thanks for sharing what you've discovered. Take care and all the best.
A really insightful post.
Seems like you're at a good place now Well done in reaching that point.
It's interesting to me as well, since we are the same height, and throughout all my diets, I find it incredibly difficult to get under 140lbs, and then to stay there!
I'm also very fond of exercising, it's a genuine passion and when I do it now, it feels much less about the calories being burned and more about the enjoyment and feel good factor
Wonderful Post!!! Thank You very much!!! I too have ditched the diet and am following Thin Within...It's a struggle to totally let go and get in tune with yourself, but I have struggled all of my life with ED's and I've had it. I have one more week to go until I can weigh myself. I have gone almost a whole month without weighing myself and that is HUGE for me. I used to weigh 4-5 times a day!!! I've had a few binges since I started, but only a few and after each one I got right back on track and did the internal work that I needed to do to figure out what happened. It's all about what I'm struggling with inside and for me, I won't get any better until I accept and address those issues. I am so much better today than what I was a month ago, and I have accepted that this will be a life long struggle for me. It is my cross that I have to walk with each day. I give all the glory to God who has revealed so much to me and has helped me up when I fall and has tenderly consoled me.
Diets DO NOT WORK for me and I will never DIET again!!!
I've been doing Intuative Eating, focusing on not binging, and it seems to work well--except for lately, and I know why it hasn't been working well--I haven't been honest, and I haven't been prepared for not knowing what I'm going to eat.
When it's going well and I'm honest about what I'm eating, I can lost about 1-2 lbs a week.
Congratulations on finding what works for you! There are so many different things people find helpful and not helpful, and they're frequently the same things
I have also used Intuitive Eating, and similar concepts, and we are practically the same height, weight and size, kinda funny. But different backgrounds.
That's a really great story, thanks for sharing! Our stories are somewhat similar, in that I struggled with anorexia and then developed bulimia, which turned into BE, around the same age you did. But I gained a LOT more weight than you did lol.
I'm definitely glad this worked for you. For those out there who are wondering why it didn't work for them, it didn't work for me. In fact, that's how I gained so much weight. I'm the opposite type of person - I'm hungry often. I'm not just talking about craving, I'm talking about *HUNGRY*. I've realized after 8 years of struggling that I need to count calories. I don't even mind it, I truly don't feel like a slave to it. I'm losing weight - slowly but surely. For what counting calories might be a chore or a hassle to some people, I'd MUCH rather deal with that than be big for my whole life.
The most valuable thing you said, besides the fact that everyone has to find what works for them, is that you can't be on a diet forever. I've had success cutting things out of my diet (knowing that they will come back later) because it's forced me to rethink what I'm eating, break bad habits, and find better alternatives. But people who think they can go their WHOLE lives without eating carbs (shudder), sugar, any other common thing are unrealistic, and yes, they're set up for failure. Like the Jello commercial says, lol, every diet needs some wiggle room. It's so important to just gradually adjust your current eating habits to better eating habits. =)
But again, thanks for sharing! It's great to hear you're happier with yourself now. =)
I have mixed feelings on this. The last time I lost 87 lbs. I did not count a single calorie, and I only weighed myself maybe a dozen times in the entire 2 yrs. that it took. I rode my bike everywhere, and just ate sensibly.
This time, that is not an option. If I don't know the count of every bite that goes in my mouth the weight slowly starts to creep up again. Maybe when I get a few (like 50, lol) of these pounds off that will change, but for right now, CC is the only thing that works for me.
No, I WILL post this... Intuitive Eating, 1 year down the line
