I'm just needing to vent here...I'm having one of those days when I'm doubting myself.
I'm having a hard time "seeing" myself, getting a vision of my goal, my image of what I want to look like once I lose the weight and my excess skin shrinks or is removed. My self image has been wrapped up around being a big, fat girl as long as I can remember, even when I wasn't.
I'm tall, 5'11". I am not going to be a lean, long and lithe dancer. I come from good Greek peasant stock, with big hands and strong muscles...and a bit, mmm, let's call it grassy. I'm already getting laser hair removal done. But I am never going to be classically feminine. Whatever that means. After all, I've got all the appropriate equipment that defines me as a female, so why isn't that feminine enough?
This has been a bit of a lifelong issue for me, and now I'm 48. I'm not frump-girl, but I want to create a new image for myself. As appealing as a Xena-look has been in the past for me, I am not a cartoon caricature! I'm smart, accomplished, independent, strong, warm, fun-loving and generous. I have very eclectic, varied tastes, and I do like to change up my look. I'm not afraid of wearing heels and being even taller.
I have a big personality, but not obnoxiously so. However, I feel that many are intimidated by me. (Actually, it's what my soon-to-be-ex has told me, so I don't know if that's actually the case.) I'm not willing to turn down the volume of my persona just to attract people who may not have the emotional wherewithal to participate in a relationship with me. I know that now is not the time for me to take on faux-personality traits and affectations. It's time for me to embrace who I really am.
I do know who I am, but I'm not sure what that looks like. I guess I'll be in a constant state flux about this. I like to do some 30's and 40's vintage stuff, I love jeans and t-shirts, I love wearing classically tailored suits. I love silk, linen, cashmere, natural fibers. I don't wear a lot of jewelry or cosmetics. I have a new found love of shoes and handbags. I'm not afraid to wear "costumes", like a tacky flowery caftan with big earrings, just for fun. But to be honest, I mostly wear sweats and t-shirts, so I'm always ready to workout.
Maybe I just need to group clothes in my closet according to moods, and evaluate how I want to be perceived when I go out. And I may have to accept that it takes more effort to pull these looks together if I choose to be so varied in my look.
Is anybody else having problems with a vision of themselves?
My advice is "be you".
You will look like "you".
Seriously - trying on new looks, clothes, even personalities can be fun. And, it is OK to experiment. But - you are unique - special - and should be true to yourself.
The trick is to enjoy it - have fun with it - use your look as a way to express who you are.
Your height shouldn't stop you from wearing heels if you want to wear them - not with the personality that you described! Spend some time trying on different looks. Take a trusted friend with you and make a day of it!
Do some shopping in your closet as well. Take time to try on different things - mix and match - note what you like and what you don't. Add in those vintage pieces if you like them.
One of the blessings of being true to yourself is that you can wear whatever you please, since you aren't dressing to please others.
And - if you are true to yourself, your personality will shine through. Your confidence will shine through. And - you will feel and look fabulous. Who knows - you might even start a new trend
One of my favorite poems: WHEN I AM AN OLD WOMAN I SHALL WEAR PURPLE
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
Taken from the book
When I Am An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple
Work with the wonderful body that God has given you. Enjoy it, embrace its quirkiness, and have fun with it. Start now - fine tune your style and strut your stuff - so you will be welll practiced and no one will be surprised when you hit your goal.
Last edited by CountingDown; 04-30-2009 at 07:33 PM.
Hey Georgia,
Don't doubt yourself...anyone who is trying to lose weight has a very hard time picturing life on the "other end". I know for a fact that I will not be the same person at goal that I am now. Oh sure, I'll still love to quilt, play with my dogs, and read, but my self-image will be radically altered. I'm going to have to get used to life in a new body. How's that going to be? I sure don't know! I hope that I'll be happy and satisfied, and that I'll have a new confidence in my appearance. But I also hope that my basic personality will not change. So I understand where you're coming from. Guess the main point is to not confuse your phyical identity with your own strong sense of self. If you are happy with your self, then stay the way you are mentally. If you are not, then while you're losing weight, reevaluate parts of your self and see if you can't improve them.
Make sense?
I absolutely adore the post from Counting Down. I think her advice is spot on. Like you, I was so wrapped up into being the fat mom that did everything for everyone else I really didn't know what to do with ME. I have been experimenting with the clothing, makeup, heels, jewelry, etc. It is fun. It doesn't have to define who you are--but maybe it will refine who you are.
Georgia, I am the same height and age as you (I will be 48 in a few weeks). I have been overweight for probably most of the last 20 years now, but spent my teen and early 20's being pretty slim. I'm only now remembering what it felt like to be slim (and I'm still a looooong ways from where I need to be). So I think that when you and I reach our goals, we will feel different than we do now. I'm hoping for myself, anyway, that I go back to just feeling tall and not "big and tall". Lord knows I'll never have tiny feet and hands; but they'd look kind of silly on a tall girl like me anyway, right?
I say that you should do as you please. Don't let yourself be boxed into a role or a "look" that you don't want to be boxed into. So what if you've spent the last 48 years in sweats? So what if I haven't worn a skirt in 10 years? There is nothing to say that we can't or shouldn't do or wear whatever we please.
I've been thinking about skirts lately. I know that I will catch all kinds of crap about it if I wear one to work, but I am still thinking about it. Not now, but when I get more confident and able to withstand the scrutiny. (I work with a bunch of guys and I know they'll feel compelled to make smart-*** comments). But really, we are in our 40's. If we can't reinvent ourselves NOW, when will we?
Oh my gosh, it sounds like a lot of us are in the same age group. That is a good thing! Strength in numbers!
I am 47 btw.
My only advice on this is to consider that there is a difference (IMO) between being girlie vs. feminine.
You don't have to be a girly girl to be feminine...
I also love windchime's comment--- that we're in our 40s now, and if we don't reinvent ourselves now, when will we?
I am kind of struggling with similar questions. I want to have a vision in my head of what I hope to reinvent myself into, of how I will look on the other side so to speak, and I hope that vision will help motivate and propel me toward my goal.
When I was slim (YEARS ago) I always leaned toward a more girly style so I am comfy with that -- and would love to actually wear a dress in public again before I die. I would love to have a sort of feminine, hippie chic/bohemian type of look when I slim down more.
Right now I don't look the least like that. Right now my clothes are just "what fits" and "what's in my price range" and that doesn't leave a lot of options. But, I can dream, can't I?
Stay true to yourself.... be 100% you.... the clothes/hair and "look" that you choose is an expression of your values and your spirit, so this is important, IMO. The clothes you put on have the power to change how you feel about your day. Have you ever had an article of clothing that-- when you put it on --- gives you an instant lift? I love that feeling -- of having clothes I love, that I feel good in, that make me look the way I feel inside. I haven't had that feeling in a long time and I want to experience it again!
Something you might consider: I've heard of people creating "vision boards," which basically means you take a stack of magazines, flip through them, and tear out any picture or headline that speaks to you. It doesn't matter how random they may seem.... you just pick out stuff that seems to represent something that you long for or want in life. Then you glue it onto poster board like a collage. And it becomes a visual symbol of what you are trying to achieve.
I am thinking of creating one for myself to help me crystallize and refine my vision of what I want to reinvent myself into ... while also celebrating and honoring who I still am in the present.
I like the vision board idea and will do that for myself. I know I am attracted to the more vintage, flowy items. I like color. I heard a woman speak whose message was urging us to find our color. I am green. For years with the ex I never wore it despite the fact that it was my favorite color because he did not like it. As I come into a sense of my body and style I know that green and blue (certain shades of each) make me feel good and elicit compliments. I had my first mani-pedi plus facial threading (in lieu of wax cuz my skin is sensitive) a month ago at age 52! I am embracing the process, but also asking for help from other women. A woman I know does fashion shows for larger size ladies and has a fabulous sense of style. She has lost her weight and looks magnificent at 70 but has so much knowledge. I am enlisting her as well. Good luck and mostly- ENJOY the adventure!
As I get older (44 here) there seems to be alot of irony for me. Just when I am starting to want to be more of a girlie girl I am becoming more like a man. My chin beard is getting worse and my hairline is going bald. In my younger years I rejected anything pink or flowery. Not I love these things.
This thread has attracted a lot of 40-somethings, it seems! I'm 49, only 4 months away from the big 5-0.
I agree with the other posters -- just be your own unique self. I think we all tend to chase some kind of elusive, nebulous "ideal" feminine shape/style, but I'm not even sure what that really is.
I find as I've gotten older, I don't care as much what others think. I will certainly never look like the models in the magazines. I'm way too short, my nose is too long, I have saggy belly skin from 2 babies and weight loss, my "girls" are too small (32A!!), I'm pear-shaped, and my curly hair is going VERY gray. But, I revel in being in the best shape of my life, I've worked very hard at it and I love it! I can play at all sorts of activities, and I'm not afraid to try things. DH thinks I'm "hot", and he's the only one that I'd like to impress anyway.
I have to confess, though, I'm more "sporty" than girlie. I have lots of pretty costume jewelry and don't bother with it most of the time. I could care less about purses and shoes -- unless it's new running or hiking shoes. I've got the cute little flirty dresses and outfits and I dress up when the mood strikes, but am pretty casual the rest of the time. And that's always been me, heavy OR thinner.
The biggest difference for me after losing weight is ATTITUDE and how I feel about myself. The increased confidence translates to how I carry myself, how I interact with others, and how I approach new situations. If you feel good on the inside, it makes a difference in how you are perceived by others, no matter what you weigh or what you're wearing.
I think it's fun to experiment with one's "look". But it can be pricey, especially when one is still losing weight, so my look currently depends on what I can dig out of the thrift shops that fit my current shape, lol. But I will admit that I am veering into the artsy look (maybe I should start wearing purple!). BTW, I'm also in the upper 40s.
Well, its funny that so many of us are around the same age. I wonder how much it has to do with trying to hang on to our youthful relevance in this appearance-worshiping society. All that 40-is-the-new-20 garbage. 40 feels nothing like 20!!!
I think I'm going to just start buying shoes and handbags, and then build outfits around that. My feet aren't going to change in size. If anything, they've gotten thinner and I don't need the extra wide widths any more. I might also get some different glasses too. And I'll resist the urge to fill out my wardrobe with cashmere and silk until I'm closer to goal.
And my personality is going to be my best accessory!
I'm not in my 40s, but I struggled with this,too. I never wore makeup or feminine clothes when I was fat--I even cut my hair like a boy for a little while. Since losing weight I wore a lot of things that were out of character for me--some stuck, some didn't. I found that while I like being girly or feminine, I often can't wait to get out of my dress and into my jeans. I went through a makeup phase and then reverted to my natural state because that's who I am. I am a little grassy myself, and it's genetic, not an age thing. I pluck and wax sometimes, but not obsessively.
I think that when I lost weight I realized I wasn't sure who I was or wanted to look like. Suddenly I could be anyone--I could wear things that had personality, that could convey a certain message that didn't have "I'm obese and shop in the Women's World section of Ross" in it. I had choices for the first time.
Don't be afraid to try new things, and don't pigeon-hole yourself as being a certain type of person with a certain type of style. As your body changes, you may surprise yourself. I started wearing color. That was the first sign that I didn't know as much about myself as i thought.
I still don't know how I want to dress sometimes. I am still enjoying that my clothes can say something other than "2X" to the outside world. I am still surprising myself in the dressing room. Just go with it.
(but don't, please don't ignore classic fashion advice, obviously. I read fashion mags like Elle and Marie Claire to get ideas for both what to do and what not to do...it helps.)
I want to be very girly. I want to wear all the clothes, that I could never fit in.
Get mainicures.Buy cute shoes,to go with the cute clothes,I know I could do some of this now but, I really have no motivation.Because I really don't like my body this big.
I'm 45 and also have struggled with my image over the years. It seems that I finally know who I am. Throughout the years, I constantly compared my style other people. Finally, I'm able to be myself without worrying much about fitting into a certain mold. I feel much more free!
Just how "girlie" do I want to be?
