First off, sorry if this doesn't go here, but I couldn't think of anywhere better.
So, I've lost about 40 pounds and although I'm still not exactly sveldt I'm muscular, pretty well proportioned and not nearly as bad as I was. Problem is, I always blamed the fact that I couldn't cope with dating or even admitting I was attracted to someone and the whole relationship thing just not happening on the fact that I was fat, so nobody was interested in me.
Now I look around and realize that just most people are better at handling relationships than I am regardless of weight and people fatter than I generally didn't live out their lives in isolation because of it. I'm 17, so I'm still pretty young, but I feel like I've missed out on a crucial chance for experimentation and I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW RELATIONSHIPS WORK. I guess the problem is my attitude, probably shaped by a couple of years of having most attempts at social interaction met with "You're fat!" and being asked out often as a joke. I've gotten better at admitting being attracted to people to myself, but trying to force myself to dance still sends me into hysterics and all in all I still don't get it.
Has anyone dealt with this sort of thing? How, practically speaking, are relationships supposed to work? How do I get past this stuff and teach myself to function socially like a normal human being?
To start with, you are just 17 so that's great news because there is plenty of time to LEARN. Most people don't just know how. If you're naturally thin and pretty and outgoing, it might be easier for you but you still have to LEARN.
The most important advice I EVER got at your age was to 'become the kind of person you want to attract'. And I don't mean that in a physical sense, although that's great. This is the time in your life to plan for the kind of life you want to have long-term. The decisions you make now with have a direct and lifelong impact on your happiness. Do you want someone who is passionate, focused, ambitious? Then BE that kind of person.
Take your focus off the guys right now and trying to get confidence (which is also learned) FROM them. Now is the time to do the things for yourself that build confidence in you are. How you look can be part of that but it's more about who you are, what your goals are and how you are achieveing them. Success builds success.
I didn't start dating until college for the same reasons you describe. I didn't become a very confident person until after graduation and THEN, when I believed in my value to the core of my soul, I attracted guys like flies- even though I wore a size 12 (I was a 10 in college). I was actually FATTER but the guys were still swarming- I'd sometimes have 3 dates with 3 different guys in a weekend. The BEST part of that was that it came when I was a little more mature and knew how to handle the pressure/advances without doing something stupid I'd regret. And that attracted them even more.
So my advice is not to worry about guys right now. Focus on building yourself into a strong and confident woman and THAT will not only cause them to be VERY attracted to you but you'll also be attracting the ones worth having. The ones who are looking for their equal and not just someone to make THEM feel better about themselves because she looks 'hot' or is willing to give them some action. You deserve the BEST guys to be interested in you and they'll only come when you believe you're worth it.
Ah when I was 17 I had no clue either. bindersbee has some great advice! All I can say is don't rush to get too invested in one person, this is a great time for discovering yourself and having fun!
So my advice is not to worry about guys right now. Focus on building yourself into a strong and confident woman and THAT will not only cause them to be VERY attracted to you but you'll also be attracting the ones worth having. The ones who are looking for their equal and not just someone to make THEM feel better about themselves because she looks 'hot' or is willing to give them some action. You deserve the BEST guys to be interested in you and they'll only come when you believe you're worth it.
I'm not 17, I'm 34, but I do remember when I was 17, and I have to say, I wish so much I followed the above advice.
All I cared about were relationships and boys. Man, I wish so much I would have invested more time in myself. I really wasted a lot of time on guys, relationships, and worrying about what other people thought of me.
So I ended up attracting the wrong type of guy, all the way up until now.
I never stopped to think about developing myself as a person, loving myself, and then the right person would be brought into my life as a result of that.
However, I don't regret any of my experiences, I'm just thinking I wasted a lot of time and probably gave up some opportunities because of men who in the end were not right for me.
The main thing is, you want someone to ENHANCE your life, not BE your life. Which brings you right back to the first poster's advice which I quoted.
So...you're 17, and you seem very insightful already. How are relationships supposed to work? Well, that's a good question.
A better question to start with would be: How do you WANT your relationship with someone to work?
Impala, you sound extremely bright...and being very bright can be difficult on teenage relationships. When I was 17, I had a lot of the same kind of issues you are having...I had a ton of trouble figuring out relationships. I was in a few, but they never seemed to go smoothly or feel natural.
However, the summer before college, something magic happened to me. I had just turned 18, and I met a guy who was a couple of years older than I was...in his Junior year at Brown, and suddenly it felt RIGHT. He talked to me like a, well, like a grown-up I guess...and apparently that is what I had been missing. It was the perfect summer relationship. It didn't survive long distance (I came across the country to Washington State for college), but it taught me that what I had been needing was a guy who appreciated ME, as a person, and who knew a little more about the world than the high school guys I had dated...even though I always chose pretty smart ones.
And when I got to college a whole new world opened up to me when it came to dating. All the things that seemed to hold me up or get in my way in high school didn't anymore, and a lot of the things I had thought were important when I was in high school...just weren't important. It wasn't that my friends hadn't been smart in high school as well...they were...so were the guys I dated, but it just wasn't the same. Maybe I grew up...I don't know...but when I was actually ready...really ready...relationships just went a WHOLE lot more smoothly. And, amazingly, at 19 I met my husband. We didn't get married until we were 23, during my second year of law school, but I went from pretty much clueless at 17 to knowing I had found THE ONE two years later.
It will happen. I promise...it just may take time.
Hi there, this is my first ever post on 3fc! I just wanted to say, RELAX! I absolutely remember having the same feelings you are having when i was 17 and I am still working through some of these feelings now (I am 26)! So i think you are doing great, you are working on getting healthy and that is a great achievement so you should try and be kind to yourself (this is not always easy). You are still young! It is not too late! It is never too late!
There is a huge emphasis for women in our society that being in a relationship is the be-all and end-all for everyone, but it is really important to learn how to be an independent person. So why don't you think that this is part of the goal you are working on now? You sound like a thoughtful and intelligent person with some good insight into your feelings, so it seems unlikely to me you have serious problems with relating to others. Romantic relationship share a lot of characteristics with other relationships and the skills you learn in other parts of your life will make you a good partner for someone once they arrive, so in the meantime try and have fun!
I really agree with the other posters on this thread. You can't make things happen and they happen when they're supposed to. In the meantime, there are so many things to do in this life! The world is your oyster...Go out and get it. Sorry for the length of this message- i really want to reassure you!
Bad-at-relationships problems
