Well I know that I might just end up venting on this thread but I need some advice.
After I returned from my trip to see my husband (who was deployed to TX with the army) I was wondering why he hadn't introduced me to any of his soldier friends. I thought it just was because we were very busy and that he was just sick of the place. Well as it turns out that wasn't the problem.
He got drunk on Sat. night and we were on the net chatting. He happened to tell me that the reason that he didn't want to go on post was because he didn't want any of his soldier friends to know that he had a fat wife. Talk about a stab in the heart!!!
After he said that he said he was just worried that they would say something bad to him and he would blow his temper and didn't want to do that. I don't know. To me it seems he is ashamed of me. He has told me that my weight bothers him and i know it does. We were married about 6 years ago and when we got married i was almost 100lbs lighter. He hasn't gained and ounce since highschool. He doesn't understand how hard it is to loose the weight. He keeps telling me that one of his soldiers lost 30 lbs by running and working out with him 5 days a week. But he doesn't understand that at almost 300lbs running isn't and option for me. And I do go to the gym 5 days a week and work my but off.
I do believe that he loves me. Nothing (sexualy) has ever suffered due to my weight. But now I have another problem. In a month I have to go down to TX again. See the commander of the unit nominated me for the NCO (non commissioned officer (sp?)) wife of the year award. So now I might have to get up in front of all thoes people that he didn't want to see me and I am very scared. The funny thing is, that the commander talked to my husband and told him about the award and asked him if he thought we could afford for me to come down and he said yea. He told me it was because I deserved the award.
I just don't know how to handle this. I was just starting to feel good about my self and now it feels as if I took one small step forward and 100 giant steps back. I love my husband and I knows he loves me, but I just can't seem to get that out of my head. I'm angry, dissapointed among other things to him right now. I just think that if that that is one thing that he just shouldn't have told me and then sometimes I think that if he loved me the way he says he does then he would have no problem introducing me to his friends and he wouldn't worry about what they say about me. Am i expecting to much or not? I know we are young, both 25 and that apperience is a big thing. But i just can't seem to get over the horrible feeling I have and just need some advice.
Sorry this is so long and sorry to dump my problems on you all but you have helped me before so I'm hoping you can help me again.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I know what your husband has said has hurt you, and it would hurt any of us. But more important than what anyone else thinks of us, is what we think of ourselves. You said yourself, you are going to the gym and working your butt off and just started to feel good about yourself. Bella - nothing has changed!!! You are still the fabulous person you were before he hurt your feelings!!! Sweetie, it's his problem, not yours. You are getting an award for being the wife of the year for goodness sake!! You should be beaming with pride not worried about a few extra lbs. You go there and hold your head with pride. Once people start telling him how cool it is that HIS wife is the wife of the year, maybe he'll realize the gem he has in you!!
Oh Bella... I have walked in your shoes. I know how you feel. I am lucky that I knew all my husband's friends, and haven't had that issue, but I have had my husband tell me he isn't interested in sex because of my weight... rather "your weight makes me less attracted to you".
Man was I ever hurt. I think I cried for 2 days. I couldn't understand why he didn't accept me, especially since the final 50 lbs were due to stress from some big mistakes he'd made that almost split us up!! But then I realized that he was partially right.. I did need to lose weight for my health. As much as I didn't want to admit it, when the cold hard truth of the scale hit my eyes, I was shocked at how much I weighed. I knew I needed to get the weight off. But I told him that if I was going to work on the weight thing, he needed to be there with me. I'm lucky enough that he's been INCREDIBLY supportive through this whole thing.
My advice to you - If you are working at getting the weight off, he has NO reason to act that way, or shun you... Weight does NOT come off right away... he can't expect you to look perfect, or to lose the weight quickly!!! Are the pounds dropping?? maybe you should start emailing your weigh ins to him so he can see you are working on it.
But overall, he is wrong. If you deserve the wife of the year award, in his words, then what you look like shouldn't be important. That should NEVER supercede ANYTHING in my personal opinion.
Take care of YOU girlfriend... make sure you are doing this for YOU and no one else. And make sure you stand up for yourself to him as well, because he is very very wrong.
I think you need to seperate a couple of things here embrassement and someone loving you. Frankly when I was 320lbs and I was a guy I was EMBARRASED. I was tottaly completly embarrased about my weight. and I think I should have been. It is not healthy and it is not particularly attractive. I myself did not want to meet new people.
Now here is the thing. My mom has a tendency to eat with her mouth open. I have told her and told her about it and when I visit and we go out it is really embarssing to me. It does NOT mean I love her any less but it is an embarassing habit. It sounds like your love life hasn't suffered and that is a big thing and you know I don't think it is unusal for someone to be embarrased as an overweight person or as a friend or a significant other of an overweight person. And I don't think calling being 300lbs a 'few pounds overweight' is a good way to think about it. You said yourself that is affecting your ability to exercise, this is not good.
Anyhow the most important thing is that he loves you. Someone who drank too much would also be a health issue and I KNOW people are embarassed by their spouses who drink too much. If he loves you and supports your weight loss then that is the most important thing. I would use the embrassment as a motivation. And frankly I think anyone me or anyone SHOULD be embrassed by being really overweight. You are cheating your body and your health and this is something to be embarrased over, but you should use this as motivation, that is what I did. I hope things work out but I would focus on the motivation this could can give you and realize that millions of people are embarassed for their loved ones over many things and it does not mean a lack of love.
Thank you for all your replies. But I did want to clear up a few things.
Larry, I know that being almost 300lbs is a more then a little over weight and i have been working on it for a long time now. Sorry for the mis use of words. And when I was at the weight of 150lbs. I was embarrassed about the way I looked. So with that said you can understand how I feel now.
My husband doesn't have a drinking problem, he was with a few friends and that was the first time in 6 months that he had drank. I didn't want anyone to think that he was a drunk. It was a one night thing.
Also, my weight isn't the only reason I don't run. I don't run due to many factors. It's not that I can't run, but the doctors said that untill I reach 200lbs, it would be better on my joints not to run. I aslo am very large chested and even at 150lbs. So running then and now is painfull. I also have asthma (and have had it all my life) and running bothers that as well. I go to the gym 5 days a week, I speed walk on the treadmill for a half hour (gym limit) do the stair master for 5 min( my asthma bothers me if i go longer), do either an upper or lower body weights, then to finish my work out i swim for a half hour (about a mile) and at home I try to do yoga at least 3 times a week. So I wouldn't say that my work out is affected all that much by my weight. That's not to mention the gardening, fishing, hiking, and other things I do at home.
I just didn't want anyone to missunderstood what I wrote.
I think it is great being active and that will pay off. I wasn't accusing you of saying it is just a few pounds. I think one of the areas where there can be the widest range of honest disagreements is the whole how should you feel about being overweight thing. For some people like me I know I would never have ever lost weight without feeling really bad about it and making a promisme to myself to honestly change my habits. For other people accepting themselves and their weight seems to be a step they need to take.
I also think there is a lot of ways to mixup feeling good about the wonderful person you are and weight. Even when I was down on myself for my weight I never thought of myself as a 'bad' person. And in fact it was because I wanted to live a healthy full life because I knew I was a wonderful person that I knew being overweight was no longer where I wanted to be. It is a very individual thing what one feels about ones weight and how those feelings can be useful to making change so I guess what helps going in the direction you want to go is by denfitition the best thing.
I am trying to find the right words to use, while I try and sort the emotions that ran through my heart while reading not ony you're post, but the replies so far. And I can't. You're husband wasn't wrong by being completely honest with you and telling you how he feels. We all know we don't look AS good as we could if we got into shape.
But he WAS wrong in how he told you and he WAS/IS wrong for being "ashamed" of you and not wanting to introduce you. Men don't realize what words can do to us, how they can cut us up so easily.
It would be one huge lie if we all said that we were attracted to our spouses the same amount after they gained a great deal of weight. I have been in that situation. BUT my love never diminished and I never stopped or wanted to stop introducing him to people. He was my husband and I was proud to stand next to him. He gained about 50 lbs, I was still attracted to him, but maybe not as much as I once had been.
You don't question his love for you in you're post, so am going to assume besides this issue, you have good relationship. So, I will not *bash* you're husband like I wanted to at first for saying what he did. It took him alot to be honest with you, maybe even a few drinks. He could have been a bit more sensitive. Have the two of you discussed this more since then?
Also, please don't ever feel the need to have to explain to ANYONE here why cannot or shouldn't run or anything. You know what you can and cannot do. And you know when you are being fair to yourself or not.
To be completely honest, I am going to post something really different and am sure ALOT of people are going to argue this one:
For my sake, for my sanity, for my piece of mind, I wouldn't go to accept the award. For MY sake, not my husbands sake. Maybe I would. But most likely not. I wouldn't worry myself with worry and being sick for the next month to go accept it. BUT that is up to you. If you truly want to go, GO. And hold you're head up high. And I am sure you're husband would be shocked to know that more than half of those men that watch you accept that award will be thinking of what a lucky man he is to have a BEAUTIFUL and STRONG woman as a wife. I'd bet my life on it. If you can go without being miserable with worry for the next month, than girlie, go and get there. But if it's just something you really don't want to do, then don't. You don't have to. But remember, YOU are BEAUTIFUL nomatter what you weigh. And there are ppl out there who will ALWAYS see the beauty in you're eyes.
Love is unconditional. Her husband should NOT be embarrassed of her to introduce her. He should be concerned about her health or the attraction beteen them. But not ashamed to introduce her. She is his wife regardless of anything. Think about how she must have felt after being told that. She doesn't need to be told by anyone here that she should be. I am sure she doesn't feel wonderful about her weight. She is not in denial. She knows she has to lose weight. But she also knows she is a wonderful wife, who deserves someone a little more supportive.
I don't think love is unconditional. One of the most amazing things to me my parents ever said was they truly liked me and loved me because of who I was not because I was their son. That was conditional love, if I was acting other ways then I would not have earned that love or expected it. And it meant WAY more then the love because I was a son. These same people WERE embarassed for me when I was overweight. They still knew I was a wonderful person but they were embarassed by it and I understood that. I stand by my statement that you are confusing two things love and being embarrased, you can have both. I know very few friends who are men and women who would not be embarrased by it (being fairly overweight) even though I don't think that is right I just don't think the husband is unique here. However that does not mean if hurt is involved that something shouldn't be done. I am not saying the husband is right AT ALL. And of course it is something that should be brought out if it is hurting someone. I think it is something that needs to be discussed by both sides and how it could lead to support not censure.
Truly healthy love is conditional to me otherwise why bother striving to build a wonderful life with someone if its totally uncondtional just do whatever right? And I have no problem with love being conditional (is friendship uncondtional also? is it not based on what you actually do, what type of friend you are?), otherwise it is just some fantasy something not based on actual give and take, living and loving and built around giving, living, growing, overcoming, and learning. Conditonal love is real love to me.
Hmmmm. Maybe I shouldn't have said unconditional because you did prove a point very well. Sadly, I think there are many shallow people in this world that would find themselves "ashamed" of walking down the street holding the hand of a woman or a man who had at least 100 lbs to lose. I am not one of them and know many people who find beauty in everyone, not just what they believe is ideal. I am not in anyway saying that I would be attracted to a man who weighed 300 lbs or even 140 lbs. I would most likely not go out and meet a man and give him my phone number. Shallow? No. Honest? Yes. I most likely would not be attracted to him. Nor would I be attracted to a man who weighed 140 lbs. 140 lbs or 340 lbs, same thing to me, no attraction.
BUT my point is this, if I met a man that I was attracted to, fell in love, walked down the aisle and exchanged vows...and 5 years later he gained 100 lbs, I would NOT in any way stop introducing him to people in my life. I would NOT be ashamed of him. He was overweight, not some kind of disgusting, pathetic, sad blob I got stuck with. That's how I feel that you're painting the picture. That I would have every right to be ashamed. He is still a man. This was the man that I love, that I cherish, and that I will support and cheer on. Not make him feel horrible because he doesn't meet my standards of what is an embarresment or not. I would not make him feel any worse than he already does. Yes, the weight would bother me, but I would help him, when HE was READY. Wether or not it bothered me or not, until HE was ready to make big changes and get healthy and fit, I would have to do my best to support him. And not to be so insensitive like so many other people.
I do agree with some of the points you made about conditional love. Absolutly right. I just don't see myself being "ashamed" of someone I loved because of their appearance. Well, if they were dirty and didn't groom, yes. But as far as beauty or weight..no. Child, spouse, friend, parent, I would not be ashamed. I would think that you would share the same view since you too have battled you're weight.
You would really be ashamed to walk into a bar with a friend who was overweight, or let me say obese. Because at 5'7 and 216 lbs, I am considered obsese. So, would you be ashamed?
I think there is a large line between being embarrased and being ashamed. As an aside, funnily enough I don't really care overly much about gromming. I don't think we are really disagreeing as much as it sounds. You can be a wonderful spouse and friend and be very overweight and of course people should not be ashamed of you. I don't think my parents were ever ashamed of me at all, embarrased somewhat yes. But at the same time I still don't think love is unconditional. Perhaps you are right that weight should never enter in love, I can see that. But many other aspects of a relationship should and do enter in to love.
See, on the other hand..grooming is VERY VERY important to me. I honestly will not go out in public if my "spouse" or even a friend is dressed like a slob, or dirty. Would never happen.
Though my ex was in no way "dirty", I would have to correct what he wore. He would try wearing jeans when it was appropriate for him to wear slacks.
I am anal, I admit and this would drive him nuts at times. But when I tried to stop, he came to me and asked me to help him pick out clothes.
And I would never date a man who wasn't dressed decently, or had dirt under his fingernails or if his hair wasn't brushed and washed.
Maybe am admitting too much?
I am getting off topic.
Maybe you're right. Maybe were not disagreeing as much as I thought.
When I took my wedding vows I meant the part about .......do you promise to love, honor and cherish ....for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
My love for my husband is unconditional. He got bald, I still love him. He's a big man, I still love him. If he developed stuttering or a limp or the shakes or any other number of medical conditions, I would love him just as much as I do now.
There is a big difference in being concerned about someones health and being embarassed by them. My parents are concerned about my health because of my weight but they aren't embarassed to be seen with me or embarassed for me.
My 19 year old daughter who is a size 5 has never been embarassed to be seen with me. She wanted me at all her ballgames, dance practices, and any other thing she was involved in and she will tell anyone in a heartbeat that she has a beautiful mother. You see our love for each other is unconditional.
Larry, I'm glad anger worked as a motivator for you in your weight loss journey, but it's not for everyone. I myself prefer prayer, I don't like to be angry it has a negative effect on me.
Bella23, I said a prayer for you and your husband. I pray that you can discuss this and that your love for each other can carry you through this. There's probably not a person alive that hasn't said something that they wish they could take back. Words spoken can't be erased but can be forgiven and forgotten.
This is just my opinion, I ask not that you agree with what I said, only that you think about it.
About my love live with my husband, it's never been better. When we talked after he said that his love has never changed and that he still finds me sexually attractive. But he is worried that if his friends see me they might say something to him that will make him mad and lash out.
About the unconditional love. Larry, I guess you and I were raised differently. My mother would tell me that no matter what i did she would always love me. She may not like me, but she would love me. If I was fat, skinny, or what not. Her love for me would never ever go away. I feel that way about my children as well. When they grow up, no matter if they kill someone, my love will always be there. I may not like them, or respect them, but that feeling I had when they were born will never go away.
I don't know if I have that kind of love with my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart and maybe more. But if he puts me down enough and or stomps me down their is only so much of that I can take (please don't mis understand me, he doesn't do that) I guess you could stay that I am one of those people that need encouragement not discouragement. I am a stress eater. So when put under more stress I tend to eat more. And being that I just started again at the weightloss thing, I don't need that right now. It is hard enough. But I have stayed op as hard as it's been.
I think I am going to go to the award thing, I got the ticket before all this happened and it's not refundable. And he already told his commander that I will be their and that can create problems as well. I'm going to suck it up and just go.
I would like to thank every one for the support. I think in the long run I will be ok. Just takes a little to get over.
This is a really tough issue. How on earth do you respond when someone drops something like that on you? My own response would probably be to tell that person F- off and is that how you really feel about me and I would probably make a big deal about it.
I don't like the way I look. I don't feel healthy or attractive most of the time. Yet I am not embarrassed or ashamed and if others are then they don't know me as a person, they are only seeing the outside. that is what I think unconditional love is. Loving a person despite any faults you may think they have.
My DH had never, not once ever said anything bad about my weight. Our sex life is no different than when I was 80 lbs lighter. I know he is concerned mostly because I occasionally get very down on myself about it.
Bella, you are very brave to go and get your award. I probably wouldn't do it. Not because I feel bad about myself but because I would feel bad about the person that said such a thing to me.
Husband Problems
