21 years old and finally determined. (really long, sorry!)
be careful, this is going to be one longass introduction. so i'm sorry in advance. but please read it. i need this.
my name is not rinsewashrepeat. so you can call me "a". it works for everything else. i'm a 21 year old girl living in the states...the maine one, to be exact. by the ocean. a really lovely place. a place that is probably better enjoyed when you're healthy, i'm sure. but, i really wouldn't know. since i've never been considered "healthy". the past decade has been spent struggling with weight and just about every problem it can cause. and this is about way more than weight. this is about my life, which has not been easy in any way, and how i want to change it. i'm not just counting calories here, i'm creating a life i know i deserve. so again, i apologize for writing so much...but, there's a lot that has never been said and it's time to say it, finally.
when i was 10 years old, an aunt of mine decided that she would try to help me by enrolling me in weight watchers. i did it for months....losing, gaining, losing, being miserable because i was 10 years old and stuck in a meeting with older women who looked at me full of pity and sorrow. needless to say, i decided that i wanted to spend my thursday nights playing hide and seek with my friends instead of discussing diets and pounds. it just was not working for me. i was a kid, i wanted to feel like a kid. so i started to try and do things on my own. i would go through periods where i would walk for at least an hour every single day, around cemetaries, mostly. it was quiet, nice and scenic. didn't have to worry about people bothering me. but...that faded. hope faded. and it has continued to fade ever since. i didn't even know you could have a negative number in the hope column, but i do. at this point, i'm way past the point of desperation.
but i've recently become very aware of the fact that i'm now 21 years old. 21 years old. i feel so old. i feel useless and i have no idea where to start in order to repair my life and create a new and better one for myself. i'm smart.... was considered "gifted" all through school. i'm talented. i've been training and teaching myself anything and everything about art and design my entire life. i have all of these wonderful things in me, but there is so much holding me back. i rarely even leave my house since i graduated from high school 3 years ago. i'm miserable and moody and just filled with fear all the time.
i have several serious health problems that i'm sure are deeply rooted in my weight problems. these include back problems (this came from an actual fall, or 2, but my weight has prevented it from fully healing), anxiety, insomnia, drug addiction, depression, hbp, and i'm, of course, at high risk for diabetes and a slew of other problems. they're all just waiting for me down the road. so i have been trying to avoid moving down the road at all. i've just planted myself in one place, refusing to move at all. but i'm ready to start moving.
i just don't know where to start. the logical place, though, seems to be losing weight. confidence would soon follow. and with confidence i would be able to do anything i want. a job, friends, a life. all things i need to be healthy. physically and mentally.
i know i'm aimlessly rambling here, but i haven't been able to talk to anyone about these problems for....well. ever, actually. so i need to get it all out. i need to put everything i have on a table somewhere so i can sort through it. and having some help or even encouragement would make me feel so good about my abilities. i need a friend. or a few friends. or an entire forum of friends. just...someone who understands, at least a little, how i'm feeling at this point in life. because i can't do it alone anymore. i'm incapable of doing it alone.
now on to the whole...how am i going to start losing weight thing. i've decided to start slow. so i don't convince myself that it can happen overnight like i have been doing for so many years. that just leads to disappointment and frustration and quitting.
--- no more sugary fizzy drinks, water only.
--- smaller, healthier, more balanced meals.
--- walking at least 3 nights a week. starting with 15 minutes and then moving to 20.
--- starting with 30 minutes of exercise 5 days a week (with my back problem, i need a day here and there to ice it so it doesn't get completely out of whack). i have collected videos about all forms of exercise, so i plan on using them.
that's going to see me through the first couple weeks. i want to really give myself time to adjust and become thoroughly used to new habits before i push myself further.
i also want to start taking vitamins. i just have no idea which ones to buy. so any advice on that front would be totally appreciated.
and...i guess that's all i have to say right now. i'm so sorry for writing SO much. i hope someone has the patience to read at least some of it. because i really need support. and input. and other voices besides my own for once.
thank you for reading my essay,
a.
oh! PS: i have no idea how much i weigh at the moment, but it's a lot. and i don't have pictures here because they terrify me. but i'm hoping that will change as things progress.
Don't you ever be sorry about writing what you need to here. One of the things I love about 3FC is that this is a forum full of people who can understand. If not everything, then at least different aspects of what we're all going through.
I was 12 my first time at weight watchers. My sister wanted someone to go with, so she dragged me along. I remember feeling so out of place. Not really understanding enough about to program to put it to good use either... but there I was knowing i was fat, but not really being able to do anything about it. Looking back, I know what I needed. More activity! The same advice they give to parents now about how kids should lose weight, don't talk about restricting food. Talk about getting everyone in the family moving more. Oh well, could'ves should'ves would'ves, right?
Losing weight is strangely twofold. I know I've become more confident, more accepting of myself as I'm losing weight... but it has less to do with the weight than it does that I'm taking care of myself now. For sure, losing weight does not cure all problems. It only cures the problem of weighing more than we should. We're still the same people.
I like your plans for eating healthier and for getting some physical activity in. They sound reasonable and doable. Two things that will take you very far when it comes to losing weight.
There are so many places around 3FC that will welcome you with open arms. You say you're not sure how much you weigh, but there's the 20-somethings area. If you, down the road, decide to follow a certain diet plan, there are sections underneath Diet Central. You may want to check out Chicks in Control & Depression & Weight Issues, too.
I'm following Weight Watchers now. On my own terms. And I find that now I can apply the lessons to my life.
You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.
All the best of success!
PS - This is just a suggestion, but you may wish to buy a scale. I consider it a necessary evil sometimes. It is the most convenient way to show us our progress. (Though we must always take that number with a grain of salt.) I know that since I started at 331, that number on the scale going down showed me more than pants sizes, because my size didn't change for 60 pounds. So I probably would've gotten frustrated and quit long before if I hadn't seen any improvement.
I would also like so say a big welcome. I am also very, very new to this website. I'm already instantly in love with the concept, and the people seem very friendly and supportive. What a great idea!
It must be amazing to finally make the decision to take charge of your life. My first WW meeting was in high school (although I would KILL to weigh what I considered "overweight" back then, now!). It all comes down to personal standards...technically, based on BMI, i'm considered slightly overweight. But I know that if I lost just a few pounds, I would feel so much healthier. I'm going to do that, but I'm not going to obsess.
I also want to point out the "Depression and Weight Issues" forum. You may not have been diagnosed with depression, but I see a lot of the same feelings expressed in your story that I, and many others, have felt.
Be so, so proud that you're at a point in your life that you're going to make changes, healthy changes. It's all one step at a time (which is so gosh dang cliche, but it really is true). Any time you're down, come here. Read other peoples' stories...it puts a lot of things in perspective.
Faerie:
oh, i will buy a scale. along with making an appointment with my physician in order to establish records of gains and losses with her.
i'm just, right now, trying to get used to the various changes i have to make to my life. because i have a horrible tendency to get really insanely into it, exercise like CRAZY for a week, eat very little, and then give up because i hurt myself somehow. really annoying. so i'm trying to figure out the best way to get myself mentally into it, in a healthy way and at a reasonable rate. a way that will last me longer than it takes to just lose weight.
i would try the weight watchers thing again...but, i'm so dirt poor it's not even an option. and plus, i actually think i would do better going into a program like that if i were to kind of get into it on my own first. kind of go into it already knowing exactly what i need to be doing. so i don't feel so completely overwhelmed. so maybe someday i'll give it another go...this time as an adult who doesn't have playtime to schedule around. ;]
cjb0arder13:
i have been diagnosed with depression.....several times, actually. along with dissociative episodes and one shady diagnosis of bpd...so i've done the medication thing for years now and i just recently made the decision to take myself off all of them. well, except for the sleeping and anxiety meds....those are still extremely necessary for the time being. i will definitely be checking out the other sections of this amazing forum to talk more about those things though.
thanks for the replies and kindness. my decision to join this forum just keeps feeling better and better. :]
Oh my gosh, I'm exactly the same way when I start to get "into" dieting...I obsess, go a little OCD, and it ends up taking over my whole life. Because of that, I obviously can't sustain for much longer than a couple weeks, maybe months at most (honestly, how much does it suck to have to think about food/calories/exercise all day every day?)
So this is the reason I'm going to try in moderation. Portion control, exercising regularly (3 days a week is my kind of regular...I really hate the gym!) and try not to get crazy. I flirted with anorexia in high school, and was pretty thin...but obviously not healthy. Health is more important to me now.
On a side note...please please please be super careful about stopping your meds. I did the same thing a year ago (or so), and was ok for a bit...but then fell right back into the depression. I'm in the process of switching meds from Fluoxetine to Wellbutrin (which I've heard has less weight and sexual side effects), and I'm gonna see how that goes. I know I probably sound like a preachy mom, but as someone who's gone through depression and what can happen when you stop, just pleast be cautious
You've totally come to the right place...there's so much support here, it's incredible.
Faerie:
oh, i will buy a scale. along with making an appointment with my physician in order to establish records of gains and losses with her.
i'm just, right now, trying to get used to the various changes i have to make to my life. because i have a horrible tendency to get really insanely into it, exercise like CRAZY for a week, eat very little, and then give up because i hurt myself somehow. really annoying. so i'm trying to figure out the best way to get myself mentally into it, in a healthy way and at a reasonable rate. a way that will last me longer than it takes to just lose weight.
i would try the weight watchers thing again...but, i'm so dirt poor it's not even an option. and plus, i actually think i would do better going into a program like that if i were to kind of get into it on my own first. kind of go into it already knowing exactly what i need to be doing. so i don't feel so completely overwhelmed. so maybe someday i'll give it another go...this time as an adult who doesn't have playtime to schedule around. ;]
It sounds like you've got a solid plan. The whole point of losing weight is so that we do it for the long-haul. So, yes, going crazy for a week but then getting burnt out is not going to work at all. And it's a step in the right direction that you recognize this and are planning around it.
I can relate to much of what you have just shared. I have been dieting since 10! My father had big modeling plans for me with my "pretty face" but my body never measured up, I was always a chubby kid. I was put on various diets throughout my childhood, dad would bring home all kinds of shakes and pills for me to try.
I did manage to get skinny for a few years due to drug abuse (what a trade off). But over the years I have been putting the weight back on at a steady pace. I have about 30 pounds to lose. I threw my scale away a few years back because I would totally obsess over the numbers and fall into deep depression if I either gained a few ounces or stayed the same. I have recently though purchased a new scale.
I too am like you and tend to go all out upon making the decision to lose weight, only to hurt myself (neck injury) or become burnt out.
My mindset is a bit different now thank God, and I feel a lot more balanced.
I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for sure. We can do this together!
Amy
HisBeloved...welcome!!! I too just bought a new scale...right now i"m avoiding it though because I have a tendency to get too caught up in the number. Still working on getting in a positive frame of mind before I let the "number" get to me. It's so tough! It looks like we're of similar height/goal, though, so good luck to us both!
Isn't it funny how we get so caught up in the whole "thin" mind frame? It's got to the point where I've watched shows like "intervention" where people are addicted to things like meth, crack...and I've thought, yes, it's a terrible bad drug, but look how thin they are! It's really disgusting that I even think those things, but I'm really trying to change my whole mind set. Easier said than done, for sure.
It's really hard not to compare to other people's bodies...even though I'm sure a lot of the time they're either naturally thin (lucky ducks!) or not necessarly being healthy to stay thin.
So I'm working on a COMPLETE over-haul...mind AND body! Wish me luck
You and I are so incredibly alike. My mother forced me to try weight watchers when I was younger and I hated every second of it. I gained, lost and regained. Now I'm at a hearty 262.5lbs due to two years at college eating and drinking terrible food and beverages as well as consuming large amounts of alcohol.
Being young, (I'm 19, going on 20 in Nov.) we are very lucky where many problems that we have currently and future problems can be halted and reversed if we lose the weight. The older we get, the harder it is to lose.
Like you said, start small. It's the best way to start off. Make small changes in your diet and exercise and you'll feel better. I started taking my dog for a walk every day and I notice that I sleep better and I have more energy. The walk only lasts about 20 minutes.
I also ordered Nutrisystem last night. Quite expensive, I know, but I think learning how to eat the right portions of food and what foods are good and bad do not have a price tag. My health is worth more than all the money in the world.
If you would like to talk more, over AIM or thru e mail, send me a message with your info and I'd be more than happy to be a buddy.
Good for you for being on the path to being healthier.
I read about your back problems and wanted to make a suggestion. When I was 12 I had very severe back surgery that involved fusion of 17 disks in my spine. It took over a year to recover from, and the best therapy that was recommended by my doctor was swimming. If you can get yourself to a pool, you should try it. Floating around takes all of the pressure off of your spine and after my surgery, I noticed that all of my pain went completely away if I was in a floating position in the water (there is very little gravitational pressure on your spine when you are.) Also, swimming is just really fun and good low impact exercise. Good luck!
Welcome, A! Although I think "rinsewashrepeat" is cute, too
You will only find love and acceptance here. Look around at some of the "goal" albums. That is what I use for inspiration!
No need to feel ashamed. You won't fail. Your dr. will have some good advice for you and be able to recommend a good multi-vitamin for your specific needs.
i'm just, right now, trying to get used to the various changes i have to make to my life. because i have a horrible tendency to get really insanely into it, exercise like CRAZY for a week, eat very little, and then give up because i hurt myself somehow. really annoying.
Wow, do I know how that is. The last time I was really going all out was about 3 years ago. I had lost about 60 lbs with Curves and WW and I was getting bored with the Curves workout. SO I joined a Golds gym because it was very cheap at the time of 9 bucks a month. That included all the classes and even the swimming pool at another location. I was so into it that I was working out sometimes 3 hours a day on Saturdays and the rest of the week sometimes 2 hours 3 times a week. Mind you I was still 296 lbs and finally I over did it doing a pilates class I should have never been in. I hurt my back so bad I could hardly move with out crying. Ended up at the chiropractor for a month(expensive with no health insurance) and that really sent me into a depression. I felt defeated. It wasn't fair! I was doing so well and it seemed like the world was just out to get me. I have gone through several more set backs since then. It does seem like just when I am getting into the swing of things I either get sick or something happens. So just know you are NOT alone and stick with what you can do for now. I think we will both do well if we start off slowly and progress a little at a time. I didn't know what I weighed either and I had a scale, it just didn't go up to 386.(topped out at 330)
The really good news is, that you are 21 and not 37. Even though it doesn't seem like it, you have so much ahead of you to look forward to. I wish, like many others, that I could of had so much self awareness at 21 as you do. So keep your head up and know you always have us here when you need someone.
Christina
Location: Currently I go to school in the O.C., but I was born and raised in Northern California
Posts: 5
S/C/G: 138/134/118
Height: 5'5"
Hi there!
I'm new too
If you're looking for friends and support, I'd love to be considered for the position
:P
My name is Emma, and I understand a lot of what you're going through
I think it's great that you're reminding yourself that this battle isn't going to be won in a day
Or in a week, for that matter
Slow and steady wins the race
I have utter faith that you will reach your goal
I DO have a question for you
And if it's too personal, feel free not to answer it
Your screen name is the name of a book that I am very familiar with
You mentioned that you had anxiety... Do you by any chance have OCD?
I do, and I know how that adds a whole other level to this ordeal
If you don't have OCD, my apologies for reading into things too much
:P
I'd love to get to know you anyways!
--E
A,
Please promise me that you tend to your depression issues with a psychiatrist. If you have BPD, unfortunately you have to stay on meds. My best friend suffers from that and she went through so much a couple years ago, 9 medications before she found the right one, but now she is WONDERFUL and at that point she was able to focus on her weight and she is in such a better place. Actually even finished a two year college program and married a wonderful man. You have to be very careful with "just taking yourself off your meds". I don't mean to lecture here, but sometimes when you have a medical condition, you have to take medication. Finding the right doctor and medication is the biggest hurdle.
Good Luck and welcome to 3FC !!!!
Suzy
"A"! I'm so glad you've found us, everyone here is very supportive and will give you all the encouragement you need to start making positive changes in your life. We have a great forum, "Depression with Weight Issues", that you may find very helpful to check out. It helps so much to share your daily trials and tribulations with others who are dealing with the same obstacles that you are. Good luck to you, and we hope to get to know you better.
21 years old and finally determined. (really long, sorry!)
