Well as I posted previously (Aug. 10th)... I wrote that I had started dating someone, well now I've realized it turned out to be a joke... My friend said I'm over - reacting, maybe I am. Who knows.
Well we met online ("dating" site, lol).. a little over a month ago, we've been together ever since. It was like we were made for each other.. Until today. I asked him last week *roughly* if he was still on the site, we met on... he said his profile was "hidden". Well, today I decided to go on under my sister's name (she told me to), and see if his profile was in fact hidden... Well, I searched his age group, and to my surprise... There he was!! His profile ISN'T hidden! He logged on last night at 1:43 AM, and then logged on again today at 1:28 PM. I was like WHOA! What the ****? So I texted him (he was working), and told him that he clearly wants to be single... His profile says he's looking for "dating".
When we first met, I couldn't stress enough I had no tolerance for liars... Of ANY kind. So basically, I told him it was over... In a text message. And I told him ... Future reference don't lie to girlfriends. We ALWAYS find out.
My friend said I'm over reacting, but like I told her... If he's going to lie about something stupid, and small like this - What else would he lie about? I didn't want him to go though, but I don't have patience for liars...
I think you're right though. If he was going to keep his profile up, he should have been honest about it. And he should have been honest about having 'dating' up as what he was looking for.
Much easier to unload the unreliable ones before you become too attached!!
In my opinion (not that it means much ), all he had to say was "yes, I'm still on there because you and I haven't known each other very long but when we become serious/committed, I'll back away from the site". Then the ball would have been in your court as to your comfort level with this. Well, problem solved!!
(I did the same thing once, set up a second account on a dating site to check on "my boyfriend" -- turns out he was "everyones boyfriend".)
Ooh...that would absolutely have been a deal breaker for me! I'm sorry, if he lies about whether he's looking for someone else to date that sounds like a short hop to cheating after marriage. Good for you stopping it before it got any farther.
Look,
I've been with my bf for 10 years and about 2 years ago I found he was doing something similar. It wasn't a "dating site" per se, but a myspace account. Basically my bf's done a lot of shadyesque things but now I'm 10 years deep, my kids love him to death and I'm in a grand mess because I feel like I can't trust him at all.
It is MUCH better to cut someone like that out of your life sooner than later. When a person thinks that lying isn't a "big deal" that says a lot about his character. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't have been the last lie he told you.
I'm sure it was the right thing to do, but why does it feel so wrong? Why does it feel like I'm over reacting? I feel like I did something wrong.
I think you did the right thing but maybe the uncomfortable feeling comes from the fact that you had to do something a little underhand to catch him (logging-on as your sister). You must have had some issues with trusting him to do that.
Oh! Oh Oh OH!! I was watching OPRAH today and they were talking about 'The Gift of Fear' or something like that - and it was all about those little hunches you get saying that something isn't right, and that listening to those hunches can save your life in a dangerous situation. I'm not saying that this is a 'dangerous' situation, but if like Kitty said - you feel guilty because you were snooping, hopefully that can ease your mind! Snooping isn't good. But giving in to a 'feeling' IS! Especially since your guy turned out to be well....... not so great.
What I do see is that you are following your own code of morals. And you're standing up for them by cutting loose someone who doesn't wish to follow the same. Therefore, kudos to you! Nothing wrong with that.
Is it possible that he thought it was hidden when in fact it wasn't? I mean he doesn't do searches under the guys profiles, so maybe he thought he was in fact hidden?
I'm so glad I wasn't dating during this online dating thing. I got to meet jerks the old fashioned way...in bars.
I equate what you caught him doing in the same light as when I was dating a guy for a month, thinking things were going in the right direction, then going to a bar to meet friends and finding said boyfriend there talking to a woman, meeting her the way he met you. Sketchy at best. Be glad you're rid of him and move on.
Ha! I saw that too -- it was realy interesting and I'm thinking about getting that book "The Gift of Fear" bc I really think it's interesting (and I'm not someone obsessed with crime and safety or anything).
And I LOVED the part when the guy was like "A man says no and it's NO. A woman says no and it's the beginning of a negotiation." SO true!
But to get back on subject: You probably feel guilty bc, as you said, you seemed made for each other before he lied to you and you feel bad about letting him go.
I think you did the right thing -- you have a standard ab lying, you dont tolerate it, and when he lied, that was it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eskinomad
Oh! Oh Oh OH!! I was watching OPRAH today and they were talking about 'The Gift of Fear' or something like that - and it was all about those little hunches you get saying that something isn't right, and that listening to those hunches can save your life in a dangerous situation. I'm not saying that this is a 'dangerous' situation, but if like Kitty said - you feel guilty because you were snooping, hopefully that can ease your mind! Snooping isn't good. But giving in to a 'feeling' IS! Especially since your guy turned out to be well....... not so great.
Women are also trained in this society to accept the shortcomings of the men around us as "Boys will be boys". And, then we turn around and condemn ourselves for not living up to standards that are impossible to obtain.
I am so proud of you alberta. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!!!!! He could have been honest.
I asked my ex about cheating on me when we were married. I knew it was possible(and reasonable, at the time) and was prepared to work thru it and build our marriage back up from there. HE LIED ABOUT IT. When I got the proof 2 years later, everything was over. But until I got the proof, the knowledge I had in my heart kept tearing at my soul. It was a lot of pain to suffer for what he considered a "little" lie that was intended to "protect" me. He was only protecting himself.
Good Luck girl. Stay strong and keep believing in yourself and hold yourself and those around you up to those standards.
Dating disaster!
I didn't want him to go though, but I don't have patience for liars...
), all he had to say was "yes, I'm still on there because you and I haven't known each other very long but when we become serious/committed, I'll back away from the site". Then the ball would have been in your court as to your comfort level with this. Well, problem solved!! 
YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!!!!!!! He could have been honest. 