I'm so sick of my mother. Today she gave me another one of those lectures of how much weight I've gained.
This summer, I've been feeling jolts of confidence every so often. Something I've never felt in a LONG time. That's because it's vacation, not school time. The people I work with in my part-time job don't judge me entirely on my appearance, they didn't know me before I've put on so much weight, they don't know that I'm a pathetic failure that couldn't keep the weight she lost off. I felt happy and accepted. I bought new clothes-- summer outfits, skirts, tops, bright colors. I wasn't hiding behind giant sweaters (who would do such a thing in a 35 degree weather anyway?).
Anyway, my mother keeps criticizing my appearance everytime she sees me in these clothes. I tell her, she's always nagging us (sisters and I) to look nice and presentable but when I try to do so, she even nags at me for doing so. She tells me that the clothes I wear aren't for people like me, it's for thin girls, something that I'm far from. She makes it sound as if overweight people don't have THE RIGHT to wear anything nice lest they lose weight; then they're allowed.
I tell her, mom I can't always excercise. But I do it whenever possible. I worked out every single day for the past 2 weeks in hoping I would make a difference in SOMETHING. Yeah I made a difference, I put on weight.
She sighs and says, "you don't get it, do you? Anybody could lose weight without excercising if only they ate less. You eat way too much, you're out of control."
At that point, I'm about to explode. While she's right about the out of control part, she doesn't get the fact that all this food that's been quickly dissapearing isn't a result of my consumption. Well it is, but it's not what got digested and stored in fat that is now the tires on my stomach and large thighs. What I'm trying to say is, yes I chew this food but spit it right out. Something completley disgusting but I feel like I could taste the food I'm craving without having to suffer the "consequences", in other words, calories, fat.
With that conflict in my head, I tell her "mom, I don't eat that much, trust me"
"What are you talking about? You really let go, no one here eats as much as you, kelly. What happened to those two last pieces of cake? What happened to the pizza? Wasn't that you pouring cereal in the bowl last night at one o'clock?"
"mom, if you remember what we talked about, maybe you'd actually understand"
I actually have told her about my eating problem, I poured my entire heart out to her that day. What has she done for me since then?
NOTHING.
In fact, she COMPLETLEY forgot about it all. That's why she thinks I've put on this weight because I can't keep myself from "eating" all that food. She didn't try to pursue the subject, ask me why I'm doing it or how the nutritionist meetings are going. She doesn't hide the trigger foods, or stops buying it at all. She doesn't make sure I had my three meals-- okay I just realized how childish that sounded but honestly she does nothing whatsoever to help me with this situation. An eating disorder is something completley foreign to her, so she chooses to ignore it, assuming I'm doing all this for attention. That I'm just pretending to have no control. That if I simply wake up one day and tell myself "Ed-nos, you don't have to bother me today or ever" that I'll completley be cured. Thus, it all resulted in her forgetting everything. Aknowledging nothing. nothing. nothing.
I don't want to remind her about my problem again. I really don't. She served me no purpose with her knowing (in that short span of time) about it all. I won't care to explain it all to her again and my needs, because for all I know, she'll just assume, like I said, that I'm an attention-seeking trouble-maker, that if I lost weight once, I can lose weight again..
I can't afford to "eat less". what I really do consume is something akin to 800- 1200 calories a day. I have a problem obviously. I can't afford to eat more either, because I WILL put on more weight than before when I tried to do so.
I'm just so FRUSTRATED and ANNOYED at the fact she forgot. That she thinks I should lose weight despite the fact that I'm doing everything I could to become the image of a "perfect appearance" even if chewing and spitting is calling to me like never before.
I'm sorry. I seem to always come off as a whiney, bratty child. That I have nothing better to do but worry about my weight. I'm just glad to get this off my chest. I'm sane enought to not crave the anorexic-type physique. I just want this flab off my stomach, off my tighs. Instead of 3 rolls pouring out when I sit...maybe just one? It's hard to get something right that other's can so easily achieve. I have no support. No one willing to help. Only people who will point out your flaws whether you want to hear it or not.
How much can one person take?