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Old 08-11-2006, 10:54 PM   #1  
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Default Can't take it anymore (ignore this, me, whatever...)

I'm so sick of my mother. Today she gave me another one of those lectures of how much weight I've gained.

This summer, I've been feeling jolts of confidence every so often. Something I've never felt in a LONG time. That's because it's vacation, not school time. The people I work with in my part-time job don't judge me entirely on my appearance, they didn't know me before I've put on so much weight, they don't know that I'm a pathetic failure that couldn't keep the weight she lost off. I felt happy and accepted. I bought new clothes-- summer outfits, skirts, tops, bright colors. I wasn't hiding behind giant sweaters (who would do such a thing in a 35 degree weather anyway?).

Anyway, my mother keeps criticizing my appearance everytime she sees me in these clothes. I tell her, she's always nagging us (sisters and I) to look nice and presentable but when I try to do so, she even nags at me for doing so. She tells me that the clothes I wear aren't for people like me, it's for thin girls, something that I'm far from. She makes it sound as if overweight people don't have THE RIGHT to wear anything nice lest they lose weight; then they're allowed.

I tell her, mom I can't always excercise. But I do it whenever possible. I worked out every single day for the past 2 weeks in hoping I would make a difference in SOMETHING. Yeah I made a difference, I put on weight.

She sighs and says, "you don't get it, do you? Anybody could lose weight without excercising if only they ate less. You eat way too much, you're out of control."

At that point, I'm about to explode. While she's right about the out of control part, she doesn't get the fact that all this food that's been quickly dissapearing isn't a result of my consumption. Well it is, but it's not what got digested and stored in fat that is now the tires on my stomach and large thighs. What I'm trying to say is, yes I chew this food but spit it right out. Something completley disgusting but I feel like I could taste the food I'm craving without having to suffer the "consequences", in other words, calories, fat.

With that conflict in my head, I tell her "mom, I don't eat that much, trust me"

"What are you talking about? You really let go, no one here eats as much as you, kelly. What happened to those two last pieces of cake? What happened to the pizza? Wasn't that you pouring cereal in the bowl last night at one o'clock?"

"mom, if you remember what we talked about, maybe you'd actually understand"

I actually have told her about my eating problem, I poured my entire heart out to her that day. What has she done for me since then?

NOTHING.

In fact, she COMPLETLEY forgot about it all. That's why she thinks I've put on this weight because I can't keep myself from "eating" all that food. She didn't try to pursue the subject, ask me why I'm doing it or how the nutritionist meetings are going. She doesn't hide the trigger foods, or stops buying it at all. She doesn't make sure I had my three meals-- okay I just realized how childish that sounded but honestly she does nothing whatsoever to help me with this situation. An eating disorder is something completley foreign to her, so she chooses to ignore it, assuming I'm doing all this for attention. That I'm just pretending to have no control. That if I simply wake up one day and tell myself "Ed-nos, you don't have to bother me today or ever" that I'll completley be cured. Thus, it all resulted in her forgetting everything. Aknowledging nothing. nothing. nothing.

I don't want to remind her about my problem again. I really don't. She served me no purpose with her knowing (in that short span of time) about it all. I won't care to explain it all to her again and my needs, because for all I know, she'll just assume, like I said, that I'm an attention-seeking trouble-maker, that if I lost weight once, I can lose weight again..

I can't afford to "eat less". what I really do consume is something akin to 800- 1200 calories a day. I have a problem obviously. I can't afford to eat more either, because I WILL put on more weight than before when I tried to do so.

I'm just so FRUSTRATED and ANNOYED at the fact she forgot. That she thinks I should lose weight despite the fact that I'm doing everything I could to become the image of a "perfect appearance" even if chewing and spitting is calling to me like never before.

I'm sorry. I seem to always come off as a whiney, bratty child. That I have nothing better to do but worry about my weight. I'm just glad to get this off my chest. I'm sane enought to not crave the anorexic-type physique. I just want this flab off my stomach, off my tighs. Instead of 3 rolls pouring out when I sit...maybe just one? It's hard to get something right that other's can so easily achieve. I have no support. No one willing to help. Only people who will point out your flaws whether you want to hear it or not.

How much can one person take?
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Old 08-11-2006, 11:00 PM   #2  
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I have things to say, but don't want to say the wrong things... so will just send you a hug.
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Old 08-11-2006, 11:06 PM   #3  
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Go ahead, I'm honestly all ears. =)
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Old 08-11-2006, 11:09 PM   #4  
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Just wondering how old you are? Are you living at home / or are you self-supporting? Is there anyway to get this negativity out of your life? Do you have support for your eating disorder? Joined a group?

I can't believe how mean / inconsiderate your mom is being. I am so sorry honey!
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Old 08-11-2006, 11:24 PM   #5  
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I am so sorry you have to live with that. I would tell her to go to H-E- double hockey sticks (but i'm 33). It sounds like she'd rather you have an eating disorder and starve yourself than be overweight. Maybe she sees your weight as her failure. in the regards of her emotional abuse, and it is that, she is probably partly responsible for your eating/weight issues.

Tell her to back off, you will try to eat less but every time she gets on you about it, it makes you want to eat MORE. It is a lot to take, and i hope you can get away from it as much as possible.

/hug
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Old 08-11-2006, 11:24 PM   #6  
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That sounds like a really frustrating situation. No one should make you feel that belittled. If you are still living at home and under 18, there isn't much you can do except tune it out. If you are over 18, put yourself in a better place. My dad did some stuff when I was a teenager and I became a bulemic because of it. When I moved out, I lost tons of weight. I only gained back from pregnancy. Making someone feel worse about their weight tends to have the opposite effect and makes the person resent all of it and consequently that affects how they eat. My dad watched his mom have severe medical problems including unmanaged diabetes and be fat. He was TRYING to steer me from that. Instead I was a closet binger and a purger. It was grossly unhealthy. Did you know gum has 10 calories? It has calories even if you don't swallow it. Don't fool yourself into thinking you aren't consuming anything. Beyond that, the best thing you can do for yourself is get support, get out of the situation if it is doable (if you are over 18), and treat yourself to HEALTHY food and learn to eat the right way. Everybody, thin or fat deserves good clothes and good self esteem. My dad is also atheist and hounded me for my religious beliefs. I had to keep going. I actually later told my father to never tell me how to eat again (I was grown) because I lost all the weight on my own, no thanks to him. Our relationship is fine now. I know where he was coming from, he just didn't know how to handle it. I also learned never to let my self worth stem from my weight. I lose it because I know I can and I want to, and not for anyone else. Good Luck!
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Old 08-12-2006, 12:15 AM   #7  
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Hey, I grew up in a household where my mom had public weigh-ins, and if we weighed TOO much in her opinion, SHE would refuse to eat until we were "OK". Her definition of OK was to be able to count each rib and to see each hip bone sticking out. Result: all 3 of us siblings are battling weight.
I can totally relate, because this ISN'T a weight issue. Let me say that again. THIS ISN'T A WEIGHT ISSUE. This is a control issue. Simple as that. It sounds like you want her love, and she has found something to control, leaving you frustrated, angry and hurt.
Here are some facts for you:
1. Your BMI (body mass index, signifying if you are at a healthy weight) is 25.3. A healthy range is between 18.5-24.9. You are very slightly overweight. Your healthy range is less than 140 lbs. Anything less than that is gravy. You are 3 lbs away from health.
2. Absolutely refuse to discuss weight and weight issues with her. I used to get this from my mom ALL THE TIME, about me, my sister, my brother, my father, the neighbor, ANYONE who she felt was "fat". I finally said that I wasn't going to discuss this topic with her. Period. And when she started up, I said that I wasn't going to discuss it with her, and if she CONTINUED, I left the room/house/hung up the phone, whatever it took. Make it clear that this topic is OFF LIMITS. If she starts up a conversation or makes a comment again, say that "I'm not going to discuss my weight or appearance with you", and leave. She'll get the message soon enough.
3. Keep your weight issues, unhappiness with your weight, and your efforts to lose weight private - discuss it on this forum, discuss it with your friends, see your Doctor, get counselling, but DON'T discuss it with your mom. Don't try to solicit support, because if you falter, you will face HUGE repercussions. Keep it on the QT. With respect to her, that is.
4. Get help for your concerns with your eating issues. See your MD, and get a referral. Right away. There is more to your eating issue than "too many calories in". If you don't work on it NOW, you WILL HAVE to work on it when your life becomes completely unmanageable. Sort it out now.
Please keep in touch with this forum, as you will get far more support here than you would think possible.
CHIN UP!!!
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Old 08-12-2006, 12:23 AM   #8  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freiamaya
Hey, I grew up in a household where my mom had public weigh-ins, and if we weighed TOO much in her opinion, SHE would refuse to eat until we were "OK". Her definition of OK was to be able to count each rib and to see each hip bone sticking out. Result: all 3 of us siblings are battling weight.......... CHIN UP!!!
GREAT POST!!
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Old 08-12-2006, 12:27 AM   #9  
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I'm really sorry you have to live with that. I can relate in some ways. My dad tends to point that I'm overweight a lot especially when I do something wrong, and has blatantly called me a 'fat ***' before. Which, just makes me feel like nothing, but try to tune it out like someone said. Don't chew your food and spit it out though, because by not eating you are slowing your metabolism down. Which, isn't going to help you lose weight and any weight you do lose you will gain back. I know it's tough to lose weight especially when people aren't supportive and make you feel like crap because you are not skinny but you are not alone!!!

Last edited by SapphireEyes; 08-12-2006 at 01:06 AM.
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Old 08-12-2006, 12:57 AM   #10  
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This might sound...wrong, but it held true in my situation. I'm addressing the last part of your post, because the first part is just so morally reprihensible that I can't believe anyone would say that to a young woman.

I was anorexic and a compulsive exerciser when I was a teenager. I was convinced the exercise would keep my metabolism up so the anorexia wouldn't ruin it (I'm wrong, obviously).

My mother ignored it. She made pig sounds at me if I gained a single pound. She used to say that I sounded like a cow chewing cud when I ate. So I stopped eating.

These destructive behaviors weren't because a eating disorder was so common to her - quite the opposite, my mother is a bulemic. These were what she wished someone had done when she 'got fat.' Once you have an ED you never lose it, it's with you for life.

However, all that aside, another distinct possibility is that your mother does not differentiate between eating (chewing, swallowing, digesting) and tasting (chewing and spitting out). All she sees is out of control behaviors in regards to food.

I'm not defending your mother - trust me, I'm the LAST one to defend parent's when EDs are involved - as mothers are most times a dieters worst enemy. Just take a look at why you received the reaction you did. Maybe EDs aren't such a foreign concept. Whatever the case may be, you have to conquer your obsession with food before you can move forward at all.
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Old 08-12-2006, 09:32 AM   #11  
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GOOD ADVICE Freiamaya ... couldn't have said it better.
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Old 08-12-2006, 10:32 AM   #12  
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I don't think I could add anything else, other than to reiterate that you need to get away from your mother if you are able to; and that this isn't about weight, it is about control.
You say you are seeing a nutritionist, but what about a counselor? If you are able to, definitely see about getting a good counselor to help you overcome your self-image issues and regain control of your life.
I'm so sorry that you have to live with someone like that... make no mistake, this is emotional abuse.
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Old 08-12-2006, 02:08 PM   #13  
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Thank you, everyone, SO much for the support. I really do feel better. Much better.

And I will not let my mother get to me, from this point on. She thinks she's doing the right thing, stating the truth no one dares to mention. But I really don't need that from her, as I can tell myself.

I'm also glad that I'm not alone out there, with issues like mine-- even though it's not exactly a subject to be celebrating about.

Thank you once again for all ur great advice.
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Old 08-12-2006, 02:35 PM   #14  
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I am sitting here reading your post and I don't even know where to begin...I will respect the fact that this is your mother and I won't bad mouth her.

I am so absolutely saddened at the way you are feeling about yourself. You don't mention your height, but 147 pounds, unless you are about 4 feet tall, is not, by any stretch of the imagination, large, fat, obese, huge or any of the words you (or your mother) use to describe yourself.

Your mother is pushing you into an eating disorder (which you have acknowledged in your post, so right there you have a leg-up in realizing that you have a problem).

I am not sure of your age, but I assume that you are a teenager. You MUST talk with a professional about how you are feeling and what is happening. I know what it is like to have a critical mother, and I also know that no amount of talking to her will help. She has issues of her own if she is telling her beautiful daughter that she is less than wonderful. She will never see that what she is doing is damaging you beyond words.

I wish I had the perfect solution for you, but unfortunately, it's not that easy. The best I can do for you is send you a big hug,
and pray that things work out for you in the long run and that you do not EVER let someone else make you believe that you are not worthy.

Take care.
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Old 08-12-2006, 06:34 PM   #15  
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You are not a pathetic failure.

I am so sorry that you live in this type of situation. I grew up with a very abusive female parent (I cannot even call her a "mother" because the word would be cheapened used in reference to this person). You could continue to try to reason and get understanding, but I am not sure she will ever be able to be the person that you need her to be. How sad. She must have some serious body image issues.

Whatever happened to unconditional love for children?

Take it one day at a time and practice healthy eating and exercise habits (that means more than 1200 calories a day, missie), and your body will adjust to where it needs to be.

Hugs to you, dear one.
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