SOJO Girl and others - I just came to from reading the Christmas story and the rest of this post, I am in pain , not sure if it is from my ab workout this morning or the story or both. What visions.

Senior citizens - :-)

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the
lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what
you're wanting, for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that
rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice
soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room,
light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening
you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes,
starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20
bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old
man.

"Get serious," she replies...."Four times in the rocking chair. "

1.Men are like....Laxatives ...... They irritate the sh** out of you.

2.Men are like .......Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.Men are like .......Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them..

4.Men are like ......Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5.Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.

6.Men are l! ike ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

7.Men are like .....Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8.Men are like .....Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.Men are like .....Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like ....Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11.Men are like . ...Snowstorms ....You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12.Men are like Lava Lamps ..... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13.Men are like ....Parking Spots ....All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter
>a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament. The Brunette team
>rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
> The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time,
>when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes
>upstairs.
>
> She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top,
> she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the
>road,
> clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
> The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a
>great time downstairs!"
>
> One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered.......
> "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!"

HOW TO CLEAN YOUR HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.


7. Feel better?

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags I won the lottery!"


The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says.

<<<

<<<

<<<

"Just get the **** out."

At last I can post a funny. It is a real life funny and involves Henry, my 6 year old Nephew...


He brought home a salt dough figure with a gaping hole in its chest. His parents asked what it was. His reply? "It is Daddy with his hole in the heart"....

Apparently they had told him recently that my Brother had a hole in the heart!

Ooooh, Peahen! That is the sweetest!

Kids can be so funny!

Donna - those were great, I am going to pass them on to my friends

Subject: Why Canadians are So Tired


For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
sunshine, and too much pressure from my job, ear wax build-up,poor
blood or anything else I could think of. Now I've found out the real reason
I'm tired, it's because I'm overworked.

Here's why:

The population of Canada is 30 million.

11 million are retired, that leaves 19 million to do the work.

There are 5.5 million in school, which leaves 13.5 million to do the work.

Of this there are 3 million employed by the federal government, leaving
10.5 million to do the work.

1 million are in the armed forces, preoccupied with killing Terrorists,
which leaves 9.5 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 7 million people who work for Provincial and city
Governments, and that leaves 2.5 million to do the work.

At any given time,there are 476,000 people in hospitals, leaving 2,024,000
to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons and 812,000 on Employment
Insurance and Welfare.


That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your can, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my
wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this
variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.
" Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There
are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist
types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between
them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...The Catholic type
supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian
type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole
hills."

A 90 year old man went to see his doctor. He said, "I feel fine. I have a
24 year old wife who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of
that?"
The doctor thought for a minute and said, "I have an elderly friend who
is very fond of hunting, in fact he never misses a season. One day he left
to go hunting and mistakenly picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. He
went out in the woods and saw a beaver sitting on the bank of the river. He
picked up his umbrella, pointed it at the beaver, said 'bang bang', and
the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90 year old man said, "I think somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly."

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
Pass on this advice !!

A guy goes to the Australian Post Office to apply for a job. The
interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment,"
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 am."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours
we sit around scratching our balls... no point in you coming in for that."