Why am I unable to focus? My inability to be alone has been a constant source of pain for over half a year now. I made another thread about it (http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/depr...ly-lonely.html) and even though I had resolved to straighten up, I've failed.
I've sort of been on something of a crash course since my ex cheated on me in June and we broke up. My "wild period" has been fairly tame compared to that of other people's but it's left me wondering who I am.
I just found out that one of the two guys who I am interested in apparently has a girlfriend. He didn't have one Valentine's Day, there's no mention of his relationship status on Facebook, no pictures of her, nothing. I only just heard of her today at the last moment as he was logging offline to supposedly go pick her up from work. I've been wondering if there was a miscommunication somewhere but I can't figure it out. I'm wondering if something I said gave him the wrong impression but how could I ever know?
The other guy who I have been taken with for months was just dumped by his girlfriend.* You'd think this would make me happy as I sort of, in a way, have an opening. But I'm not. He's decently nice I suppose but it finally struck me last night - he doesn't give a damn about me. Here I am chasing him, constantly available for him, even trying to cheer him up after his breakup but I could die tomorrow and he wouldn't notice. The last thing I said to him was "you make me do all the work ". He asked what I meant but I didn't bother answering. Months from now, he won't even check in to see if I'm still alive.
Before, Depression took the form of seclusion. I had literally no friends offline. I didn't go anywhere for months at a time unless forced. But now the pain of being alone permeates everything. I'm about to graduate, my GPA is a 3.5, I just finished another good quarter of classes with two A's and two B's...but all I can think of is graduating and then going to work and coming home to an entirely empty house. Before, that was my dream, I wanted to be alone. Now it's my nightmare.
I don't tell my family I feel this way. They don't know what I'm feeling. None of my friends know. I keep it to myself until I burst and let off steam in a blog or an internet post. It's amazing to think that my parents are in the living room right now laughing and I'm sitting in my room crying. They have no clue and even if they did, they wouldn't know how to help.
What do I do? How do I fill this hole? How can I focus on myself? Fill my time better? Stop moping?
*Added for clarification: When we met he was single. He got back together with his girlfriend after that and then she dumped him again. This has happened a number of times. Counting the split before we met, she's dumped him at least 4 times now. I've just kinda been hanging around in the background stupidly hoping I'll get a chance one day. But last night I guess I cracked and decided it wasn't worth it anymore.