I've struggled with Depression off and on since I was 13. I don't think it'll ever go away entirely but I'm used to it by now.

Up until I turned 19, I didn't need anyone. I preferred being alone. Then I met my now ex-boyfriend and all of that changed. Now I crave companionship and I don't mean the platonic kind. I've been single since June 2011 and physically by myself for longer than that due to long distance. Lately, I've tried putting myself out there, I've tried meeting new guys and so far, I've failed. I've gotten close...but not all the way to dating.

I know I don't need a boyfriend, no one does. But the craving for companionship is so strong it hurts. Guy A didn't work out because he turned out to be controlling so I ditched him. Guy B went back to his ex and those feelings haven't 100% faded...I've learned to just stay away from him entirely. Guy C turned out to not be my type and now I'm onto Guy D...who I've tried flirting with but I don't think he's biting. We haven't gotten to hang out in person yet, we've only bumped into each other on campus a few times, but he seems to view me as a friend and nothing more. The painful part is that I keep thinking maybe someone would like me if I weren't so fat. It's my fault for letting myself get out of control, I actually let myself become obese and now I gotta work all of the weight back off, weight that I lost years ago and put back on almost immediately after dropping it.

Even worse, sometimes I think it's just because no one likes me as a person. And now that classes are over with, I have nothing to do. So I am sitting here until I take my one and only final on Tuesday with nothing to do, no one to talk to, and my mind working overtime. I try to tell myself to chill, see how things go when we meet in person, that eventually someone will come along and I'll forget I was ever lonely...but then I think you know...I'm probably going to end up alone.

Thankfully, I've managed to separate those emotions from food or I'd be gaining 2 pounds a week, not losing. =/

Hi Nadya,
What are you going to do after your final?
Will you be looking for a job or planning for more classes? It's difficult, but better to not focus on finding a guy. That's like putting someone else in charge of your happiness. I understand feeling alone; the best thing to do is focus on yourself - what do you like to do? Join a group where there'll be lots of all types of people to broaden your outlook. Volunteer somewhere, exercise.

Even if you do meet up with this guy, he may not be what you're looking for, and you may try hard to make him fit into what you want and that's no good. One thing for sure, don't think that there's something wrong with you....most of how people treat us has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them.

You're not going to end up alone. Like you said you don't even know how guy D feels, and even if he doesn't feel the same, he may have a friend that does. Guys pretend that it's all about looks, and for some of them it is. But you can have a supermodel size 0 gf and if her personality is crap then it's just a superfical relationship. Date just to date, don't put any expectations on it. I was in your shoes 2.5 yrs ago when I was in college and I know exactly how it feels. I didn't date...mainly bc all the guys on my campus were idiots. However once I stopped thinking that every guy could be "the one" my current bf and I got together. Just relax about it, you're not going be alone for the rest of your life, remember that a watched pot never boils, once you stop trying to make something happen....it generally does. And remember that you always have friends here.

I go home for a week and then return for more classes so my mind will actually be preoccupied, unlike now. And while I'm home, I can try to spend time with my family.

I'm not really looking for "the one", I'd even just be happy with going on dates. I don't get much human contact...even just a hug means a lot to me these days. I live by myself, I am shy most of the time, and it would just, I dunno...lift my spirits to have someone to spend some time with.

Thanks, I really like this and it helps a lot. I wasn't able to log on for a few days and I got so lonely. =/

I realized I've been waiting to go to the bookstore for weeks...I totally forgot so I'm heading there now. =)

I love bookstores !

Me too, I'm so excited and yet kind of disappointed that I didn't think to go earlier and now I only have like an hour and a half. >.<

Consider yourself hugged

Thank you, that's really sweet.

Yeah, my head does that too, sometimes....just be delighted that you remembered to go...and jot down for a return trip on your calendar.

I got a new book, 1Q84 by Haruku Murakami. It was $30 so I'm hoping it's good...

The downside...as soon as I pulled into the parking lot I realized I was right next door to where Guy B works. /facepalm I'm just going to heat up some food and sit down with this book. Let's see if I can't lose myself in a good story. =)

I know exactly how you feel.

I've been "officially single" since 2003. Like you, I live alone, and then on top of that, I work from home, so my human contact can be very limited. And for some reason the opposite sex just doesn't seem like they're attracted to me.

I keep trying to tell myself that I won't be alone forever, but it's hard to believe that when you've been single for so long.

Anyway, here's a . I hope you feel better and just know you're not alone in how you feel.

Lastly, you've lost 21 pounds so far, that's a heck of an accomplishment.

Thank you so much, your post really lifted my spirits. =)

You seem like a really great woman, I think these "men" just don't know what they're doing!

to you, too!

I have so many responses to this. If someone doesn't love you for who you are, they are ABSOLUTELY not worth keeping around. If they don't like you for who you are now, what good would it be to have them around when you're thin? That would mean that they were judging you by nothing but your appearance, which should NOT be the case.

What I've found is that men LOVE confidence. I have had countless men tell me that they could care less how big or small a woman is, she could be 500 pounds for all they care. If she loves herself and feels good about herself, they find it INCREDIBLY sexy. Men HATE hearing women put themselves down. I've known men who have broken up with their girlfriends because they were so down on themselves all the time. You shouldn't settle just because you're lonely, I know it's tempting and easy. Find someone who will build you up. I was always abused in relationships, but now that Ive found someone who thinks the sun shines out my a$$, I realize it was worth the long time that I waited before dating again.

Also, let me point out something you may or may not have realized yet. I didn't for a long time. College age men are usually idiots. Most men don't mature until 30 years of age and sometimes not even then. However, there are a very select few really great men out there in their 20s.

Lastly, the thing that I've found is that when you go looking for love (at least in my case) you end up in bad relationships. Love and companionship usually will find you when you least expect it and it's amazing when it does.

Don't give up on yourself. It sounds like you're on the right track with separating emotions from food. You will find someone, it just may take awhile. I find the saying "The best things in life are worth waiting for" to be completely true.

Phew, sorry that was so long, but I really hope this helps!

Good morning....
just some thoughts -
Be confident in yourself, enjoy what you enjoy, have your hobbies and interests and follow them. Challenge the startus quo - try something new every 'quarter' - a new sport, a new color, a new hobby - you don't have to do the new thing forever, just try it once to see.

When I was in college, I went through a lot of sadness with the 'guy thing'. Now looking back, I'm sorry that I was so unhappy with my life back then - I missed a lot of opportunities to be happy being me.

Have a beautiful day !

@tess: Thank you for the advice, you're right, most guys in their 20's haven't been that great. I only know one who is a genuinely good guy. I'll try to stop looking for companionship, you're right about that too, it'll happen when it happens. =)

@Sanity: That's great advice. I'm always thinking, "Wow, you wasted all that time being sad..." but I haven't figured out how to stop wasting time. You have a good idea...I think I'll try dressing differently this quarter or something.