Are you mad because on your wedding night, you lost your virginity to your spouse, and in that encounter it wasn't like you had hoped it would be because he used dirty words that you found unsexy/insulting? Then there is the extra annoyance/anger about him not meeting expectations in his chores?
I think you guys could think about how you communicate in your marriage. I'm a stranger and if I am right about what I think the problem is here... it took me a lot of head scratching to figure it out. Try to speak firm buy plain to your partner. No guessing games.
Also deal with it ASAP. Don't let it fester. Then it grows out of proportion.
Quote:
I tell him I need to bring it up so I can talk about it. He doesn't do this for over two months. When I remind him about what he had in fact agreed to do, bring it up so I can share my feelings without have to break the ice. Doesn't do it.
Is there some shyness thing going on when talking about sex to your partner? I tell him I need to bring it up so I can talk about it. He doesn't do this for over two months. When I remind him about what he had in fact agreed to do, bring it up so I can share my feelings without have to break the ice. Doesn't do it.
I think of sex like the weather channel. Esp. if you are first getting to know each other's style. Best right then and there, in the moment, updates all the time. Later in life this isn't as needed because you already KNOW your partner, but I think in the beginning a sense of humor and a willness to report helps a lot.
A simple "I need this encounter to be ______, ok?" before going in would have helped so much the first time out. Whether it was slow, easy, gentle -- whatever it is you needed it to be. Esp after all the wedding stress.
Then when in the process of actually having sex? More weather channel.
When things aren't working you just speak up and go "hey, this is not working for me, can we try ____? Because I'm not comfy with a pillow stuck under me." (Or whatever it is.)
Or if something IS working affirm it right then! "I like this! How is it for you? Because I could have some more of that!"
There's a period of time where you are still "learning" your lover.
In married life, there's all kinds of sex. Not just sex for fun and sex to make children. There's wide awake sex, there's I'm too tired but I'm willing to watch sex, there's gentle lovemaking, there's swinging from the trees Tarzan sex, there's quickies, there's longies, there is ... whatever it is!
If there's something that turns you off -- just say so. RIGHT THEN.
Even now, decades later we still go in with a systems check first.
"Ok, how are you? Because I'm up for it, but my allergies are gross today so I might need some kleenex breaks in there somewhere."
"Ok. I'm good to too but I whacked my big toe in the garage so look out for that. No touching anywhere over there."
It really is not a big deal.
On the chores -- that's a familiar thing too. The division of labor in a home is a common thing to have to work out in marriage. Go for the happy medium, the compromise. But keep a sense of humor and keep trying different ways so that all needs are met and take quirks into account. My spouse is NOT a hanger dude. I cannot get him to hang clothes and I could have spent the last 20 years arguing about hangers. Instead I got him a dresser. There. Fold it all then, and stick the clothes away THAT way then.
He used to drive me nuts not putting things away in the kitchen until one day I labeled all the cabinets. He said in surprise "Who labeled everything?" and I calmly said "Well, you can't remember where the tin foil lives. But I know you are literate and can READ so now you can just figure it out and I don't have to hear it." He laughed. Problem solved. He is still as clueless, but he CAN read, and he figures it out on his own time now instead of bugging me about foil.
Once he made me nuts with something and I wrote a note in dry erase marker under the lid of the toilet. So when he went to pee, he'd lift the lid and it would say "Remember... blah blah!" It startled him, but he remembered it. I don't even remember what the chore thing was, I just remembered that it worked!
So get counseling if you need more help, but also try to roll with some of this newlywed-figuring-each-other-out stuff.
GL!
A.