Hello Everyone,
I've posted here a few times before for help during bad times, but right now I feel as if there is no hope for me, that I'll never keep the weight off. I guess I just need to vent and have some positive support from others who may be feeling this way. Being heavy has really prevented me from living my life to it's fullest as I spend so much time feeling self conscious, and I am sick of it.
To give you a little background, I'm 23 and have battled my weight since I was a child. My all time high was 270 lbs at age 17. One day I decided enough was enough, I was sick of being fat. I did WW for a while, then calorie counting at home, as well as exercising religiously, and a year and a half later had gotten down to my low weight of 158 lbs in the fall of 2005. I had a LTG of 125, and wasn't there yet, but getting close! I felt so amazing, proud and beautiful for the first time in my life. Unfortunately it was very short lived. Some negative things happened in my life causing a great deal of stress, and once again as I always did, I turned to food for comfort and stopped exercising. The pounds creeped back on, and a year later I was back up to 240 lbs. I was absolutely devistated. I'd worked so hard to achieve my loss and getting so close to my goal. I was angry at myself for throwing it all away.
Once again, in late January 2008 I decided enough was enough, I had to stop beating myself up, accept the gain and restart my journey. I did just that. I started eating healthy again and exercising daily. After a long year and a half of hard work, in summer 2009 I FINALLY reached my LTG of 125. I cried when I saw that number on the scale. It had taken me 5 long years but I finally rid myself of that almost 150 excess lbs sitting on my body. I had gone from a size 24 plus pants to a 4. It was unbelieveable and the greatest feeling ever. For the first time in my life I had people call me skinny, I got attention from guys that I'd never gotten when I was big, could fit into anything I wanted and look great in it, shop at any store. I didn't feel self conscious or worry about what people might say about my weight when I wasn't around, or worry what I wouldn't fit in/on. I had so much energy and could do so many things I couldn't before.
Almost all the negative aspects of what we go through as a heavy person were gone. ALMOST. As you can all imagine, after losing such a large amount, my skin did not spring back to normal in most areas. My legs firmed up nicely and looked pretty good. That was about it. My stomach was pretty flat, but there was some loose skin that wouldn't go away, as well as stretch marks. My arms were the worst, they were a mess. There was a lot of loose skin which made them appear a lot bigger. They just did not match the rest of my new body and no matter how much strength training I did, the excess skin didn't firm up. I always kept my arms down so people wouldn't notice as much. Also, pre weight loss my breasts were a full C, at 125 they were small and no longer firm or nice. I had to resort to putting inserts in my bra, but they didn't help much. These things depressed me a lot because when I pictured my body at goal, I did not see that happening. It made me sad that I was thin, yet still not comfortable with myself because of those things. Yes I had a lot to be happy about, but I couldn't seem to get over it. However, I was still happy with my loss.
Then last fall, I started a new job. There was food ALL around. Unhealthy foods that I'd made a point to stay away from. It became a big problem. Between work and life stress, and a few terrible things happening, yet again I got overwhelmed, started binging and stopped exercising. Once I started eating, I couldn't stop. The food was so bad, but tasted soo good. I missed it. The chocolate and chips and fast foods. I fought it, I really did but lost control. I said to myself "well, your body doesn't look the way you want it to even at goal, so why bother" I wish I'd tried harder and pushed those negative thoughts out of my mind because between October and May I'd binged my way back to 182 lbs. As of today I'm at 172, so I've lost 10 lbs of it, but it's taken me 4 mos to do so. I am so depressed and feeling hopeless that I'll ever keep this weight off for good as I've been through this 3 times. I am almost 50 lbs heavier right now than I was at goal. I know if I try hard I can have it back off in 6 mos, but I can't seem to stop the excess eating and get motivated to exercise. Right now I feel so sad. I went through the entire summer trying to cover up my body. I only went swimming once and didn't wear shorts or tank tops. I have avoided seeing friends I haven't seen in months because I don't want them to see that I've gained weight, which has caused distance. My boyfriend always tells me I'm beautiful and gets upset that I am so uncomfortable with my body and covering myself up. I can't help it, and he thinks it's because I'm not comfortable with him and gets very upset. I feel so bad because that's not it at all. I am uncomfortable and embarassed with MYSELF and our relationship is becoming strained because of it. I really want and need to get this weight back off once and for all, and keep it off. It is ruining my life, and I realize that my body won't be perfect but loose skin is much easier to live with than 50 excess pounds. I need to do this for me, for my relationships and happiness.
I am so sorry this was so long, if you didn't read the whole thing I completely understand. I guess I mostly just needed to vent, but I'd also love advice for how to finally keep it off, and also hear your stories so I don't feel so alone. Any way you can help would be wonderful and appreciated