I can't stop binging. Eating seems to equal binging to me now. It's 3:30, and I woke up at 11, and in that time I've eaten a cheeseburger and fries, the other half of my pint of "everything but the..." Ben and Jerry's ice cream, a bowl of Captain Crunch and the leftover Chinese food from yesterday, when I got a to-go plate from a chinese buffet because I wanted 'a little of everything' and piled it so full I could barely shut it. I don't even remember what I ate yesterday, except that it included the beginnings of the left overs I ate today, and a quesadilla, and a lot more.
Last year I have several really good runs where I was controlling my eating and losing weight and I felt like I'd never be here again, never gain it back, didn't even want it. I was totally over this binge-til-you're-sick cycle. But somehow here I am again, OVER 200 pounds, which is somewhere I never thought I'd be. I've never weighed this much in my life, and I've just packed 10 of it on recently. I got a Wii and a Wii Fit for Christmas, and I love doing it, but I haven't been on it in over two weeks because I don't want to have to go through the body test and get weighed.
I'm addicted to fast food in particular. In the span of a day, fast food bags from all different places will pile up in the passenger seat floorboard of my car. I go to class in the morning and don't eat breakfast before I leave the house so by the time class is over I'm obsessing about where to stop and what to get. I think about doughnuts and fried chicken and pizza. Sometimes I go and eat in sit-down restaurants alone, which I used to say I'd never do, because I'm craving chips and queso SO bad and all of my friends are busy. And while I'm sitting there I'll order enchiladas or tacos and drink 4 sweet teas.
I'm constantly thinking about the next food I want to eat. I spend at least half of my paycheck from my part-time job on food. I have to eat after morning class and then before and after evening class, and if I go home between the two I'll snack while I'm there. Then once I get home for the evening, I'll sit around and eat and play mario on the wii instead of turning on the balance board and doing yoga or at least doing my homework like I should be. I can't seem to focus on anything and I wonder around in this sort of haze where I can't even remember all the food I eat in a day. I've tried keeping food journals of every bite I take but even when I carry it with me everywhere, I can only stick to recording in it dutifully for a week before it gets forgotten, buried in the floorboard under all the McDonalds and Taco Bell bags.
I can't control myself: it's like there's this small child inside of me that is constantly throwing a temper tantrum to have her way, and her way includes loads of crap food while doing inanimate activities and ignoring my daily responsibilities. I've been struggling against this constantly for years and I've just begun to wonder whether I do have a serious food disorder. I don't consciously eat emotionally, though I'm very emotional about food, such as going to the restaurant I want to go to because I'm craving one specific thing and have to have it, or getting totally upset because my food is poorly prepared and not being able to eat it, which will later be compensated with a late-night binge because 'i didn't eat dinner.'
I know this is kind of a long crazy rant and I haven't posted on here in a long time, but as I got on today to look for strength and a little wisdom, the more I read the more I wanted to go down the road to McDonalds and get a Big and Tasty with cheese and some fries and a REAL soda....
I would have posted something this personal in my blog but 3FC apparently isn't allowing me in right now, and I may have to just make a whole new one. But really, I just wanted to kind of scream this out into the digital universe hoping someone understands and has some help for me. I'm totally out of control. I can make a firm pact with myself to totally change my ways, and then I have to do the 'last supper' deal where I gorge myself because 'I'm starting over tomorrow' and then by the end of my classes the next day I just can't bear the thought of skipping fast food for a salad at home. So I eat. and I eat. And I just don't know how to stop it.
Thanks for reading.