Go to the Dr....

What have I learned over the month... I'm ready to be the person I want to be. Amy, you are right, I've been resisting outside help for a long time. I need behavior modification or meds or something. PMS is just a horrible time for me. I know I eat more anyways during that time but the mental pressure during that time is just nuts.

Some good news though... I ran, I wasn't planning on it, my first 5k last night. In 2 weeks I'm doing the first official 5k but it felt good to know I can do it.

I'm going to start day 1 again and keep on persevering. I'm worth it. I need a new mantra... maybe " eat like the athlete you are"... I'll keep writing if you keep reading, I want to be accountable and take my first steps out of this ED closet.

I could not stop purging even after I realized that I was doing it. That may sound completely insane but it is so true. I had been "sick" for sooo long that it was impossible for me to stop even though I knew what I was doing was making me seriously ill. I had to be on Medication for about a year before I was able to say okay I can do this on my own. It has been 4 years and I still have the urge to purge, when I know I have over eaten but it is resistable most of the time.

That is awesome about the 5 K... I wish I could do that .


Hugs,
Amy

It seems to be a theme here. Stress and being tired and the inflamation of our ED. My nighttime eating is almost always a fight to control. My stress is less but I'm so tired. If I'm so tired why don't I take a nap? Or just go to bed instead of eating? Will eating make me less tired? Just kind of odd that we all seem to have this night issue.

I'm getting out of the house now... hope all are well.

Yep, sounds like there is a cycle there I do the same thing still! I often wonder if it will ever stop.

Amy

..just an update, I too started to read the Geneen Roth books. It's a start. It's like she's figured it out and can put a name on it. There are some things I feel that I can't put my finger on and now I can label it.

Things are progressing. I can't be an intimate and open individual and indulge in compulsive behavior at the same time. I met someone and I find my situations and behaviors don't match. Things are out of whack and I don't want to lose him due to my one-foot-out-the-door mentality. I want more for myself.

That's it for now. I'm still here and still searching for some peace.

Take care everyone

Runnergirl: Love your journal! Please keep posting. The story about driving home with the cheese puffs screaming to be eaten (how many times I've had "passengers" like that -- many who didn't make it home -- some even barely made it out of the supermarket parking lot).

Congrats on your 5k! That must be an awesome feeling. I've been toying with the idea of running in some. I run 4 miles a day (occasionally 5 or 6) on treadmills. Is that enuf to even consider competing? I've read running outdoors is tougher than on the treadmill. True? I want to run a 5k to show myself I can do it but I'm still reluctant to put myself out there alongside the lean -n- mean "serious" runners. I'm still 20-30 lbs overweight and I'll feel really self-conscious loping along behind the "real" runners.

Thanks for the encouraging words. Running ... I love it. The greatest thing about it was there were runners of all sizes. Just a bunch of people together who want to run. It's very liberating. Some finish in 15 minutes others in 50 minutes. But the feeling of accomplishment is amazing. I finished my 2nd one and know I'm addicted to that :-). Road running is a little different. You may ache the next day in spite of great training but it goes away after a little rest. Go for it!!!

I continue to struggle daily but I'm doing better. I'm still pouring through Roths' books. I realize that I can't live a proper (for lack of a better word) and have an ED. I love when she says to be gentle with yourself. I don't hold grudges, I forgive and forget to anyone that does ill against me but to forgive myself and to be good to myself seems to be such a struggle. I have to say to myself constantly, "be gentle".

I'm intrigued with her concept of fear of hunger. If we wait to eat, we may never get hungry and if we do wait to eat when we are hungry, we won't get to eat all we want or we will eat anything that is not tied down. Fear of hunger. It's like the cheesepuffs...in my mind there was a cheesepuff thief ready to open my car door at any moment and steal them or ...this is the last bag of cheespuffs in the world and I need to eat them now. It is so irrational but in the moment it seems totally logical that I eat it all. I want to enjoy food again. All food again. This involves pushing out on all aspects of my life.

I read When Food Is Love. Just in time too. I met someone and I really like him but I have alot of that "one foot out the door "attitudes, out of whack feelings, etc... He doesn't call it's because he's figured out I'm not that great of a person, I'm boring, yada yada yada. I have to stop all the negative talk in it's tracks and say I'm a damn good person and I'll hear from him tomorrow. And guess what? I usually hear from him tomorrow with an apology and an explaination. I can blow anything out of proportion. I truely feel that if I hadn't read and understood what she was saying I would have self destructed by now. But now I can put a name to this behavior and I can recognize when it is happening and I can shake it off. Sometimes things happen and problems or events that arise have nothing to do with me or my weight and I need to externalize them. He didn't call because he fell asleep not because I did something.

At some point in time the eating that became something that I could do to truely comfort me, that had nothing to do with anyone else, became a monster. It isolated me, even in a room full of people. But I'm going to continue to work and push out of this self imposed exile. I highly recommend "When Food Is Love". It really put things in perspective and gave me a new jump start.

Yes, I'm still around and still plugging away. I've moved on to Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating. This no-dieting thing is hard :-). The odd thing is my night eating has gotten much better. If I eat exactly what I want for dinner I'm not nuts all evening. And I'm doing the workbook too. I do an exercise per day to keep me focused.

Going on 7 days. No guilt is hopefully something I will get used to :-). Waking up everyday and knowing I CAN do better has been wonderful. I also picked a new mantra. It's on my bedroom mirror. "You are no longer a victim when you realize that you do have a choice." I have a choice, to deal with my life and my emotions and not hide or supress them. I know I still need someone to confide in whether that be a doctor or a friend but I seem to be on the right track.

I'll try to write more often. Everyone keep up the good work.

runnergirl

Hello all. Wow, it's been a long time:-). Just want to say "hello" and I'm still around and still plugging away. Progress has been made slowly but surely. I don't b/p 2 or 3 times a day anymore. I can go days without the cycle. I'm working hard on the nighttime eating and I've joined OA. I'm continuing to read everything I can get on coe and understand more. And hopefully in the new year I'm going to find a real good therapist and take the next step. I'm not giving up

I've decided that I don't want to be talking about battling my coe in 10 years. I want to be talking about, or in, recovery.

So, I've been trying to follow the Roth plan of eating whatever you want when you are hungry. The toughest hurdle has been the weight gain. In past 3 months I've gained 6 lbs (this morning is the first time I've weighed myself in 3 months) but I'm trying to stay focused on the goal of health and drink my water :-).

I figured I would update my slow but steady progess. And going into the holiday season I want to post to stay on course. I'm glad to see that this ed category has bloomed at 3fat chicks. Sometimes just going on a diet doesn't help and it's nice to be surrounded by people who totally understand. Everyone stay strong and don't quit :-).


still runnergirl