Thanks for the encouraging words. Running ... I love it. The greatest thing about it was there were runners of all sizes. Just a bunch of people together who want to run. It's very liberating. Some finish in 15 minutes others in 50 minutes. But the feeling of accomplishment is amazing. I finished my 2nd one and know I'm addicted to that :-). Road running is a little different. You may ache the next day in spite of great training but it goes away after a little rest. Go for it!!!
I continue to struggle daily but I'm doing better. I'm still pouring through Roths' books. I realize that I can't live a proper (for lack of a better word) and have an ED. I love when she says to be gentle with yourself. I don't hold grudges, I forgive and forget to anyone that does ill against me but to forgive myself and to be good to myself seems to be such a struggle. I have to say to myself constantly, "be gentle".
I'm intrigued with her concept of fear of hunger. If we wait to eat, we may never get hungry and if we do wait to eat when we are hungry, we won't get to eat all we want or we will eat anything that is not tied down. Fear of hunger. It's like the cheesepuffs...in my mind there was a cheesepuff thief ready to open my car door at any moment and steal them or ...this is the last bag of cheespuffs in the world and I need to eat them now. It is so irrational but in the moment it seems totally logical that I eat it all. I want to enjoy food again. All food again. This involves pushing out on all aspects of my life.
I read When Food Is Love. Just in time too. I met someone and I really like him but I have alot of that "one foot out the door "attitudes, out of whack feelings, etc... He doesn't call it's because he's figured out I'm not that great of a person, I'm boring, yada yada yada. I have to stop all the negative talk in it's tracks and say I'm a damn good person and I'll hear from him tomorrow. And guess what? I usually hear from him tomorrow with an apology and an explaination. I can blow anything out of proportion. I truely feel that if I hadn't read and understood what she was saying I would have self destructed by now. But now I can put a name to this behavior and I can recognize when it is happening and I can shake it off. Sometimes things happen and problems or events that arise have nothing to do with me or my weight and I need to externalize them. He didn't call because he fell asleep not because I did something.
At some point in time the eating that became something that I could do to truely comfort me, that had nothing to do with anyone else, became a monster. It isolated me, even in a room full of people. But I'm going to continue to work and push out of this self imposed exile. I highly recommend "When Food Is Love". It really put things in perspective and gave me a new jump start.
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