So how's this for circular thinking?
I'm therapy right now (EMDR therapy, it's really intense, really fast, and really effective--or at least it is for me) and the thought I've uncovered in the last week is that I don't actually WANT to lose any more weight. Because if I do, I won't be "remarkable"--I'll just be any other average thin woman.
I've been overweight most of my life. I've also been active. I go to the gym 5-6 times a week, I do cardio and lift weights. I have two degrees (an AS and a BS) in exercise-related fields. I have great blood pressure and great cholesterol. IMHO I'm sexy and fun and a marvelous 'catch'. I'm old-world beautiful, not the beautiful in magazines but in my own way. And I weigh at least 50 pounds more than I "should". I'm a fit fat woman--and that's an intrinsic part of my self-definition. If I let that go and lose weight, I'll be just like anyone else who's lost weight.
(Not to offend anyone out there at ALL, I'm trying and probably failing to explain what the depths of my subconscious is holding onto.)
When people see me they think, "ah, fat woman" and glom me into a stereotype. Which I then proceed to destroy, step by step. It's almost defiance, and it delights me. It gives me power, to be able to prove them wrong about judging me.
Obviously there's still a part of me that wants to lose weight, or I wouldn't be here. At least I'd like the clothes! But there's this subconscious side that is sabotaging me, thinking that if I DO, I will have lost that thing that makes me remarkable, that thing that makes me unique and noteworthy. Does anyone out there sympathize? Can anyone understand this? Does anyone have any advice for letting go of that desperate need to continue to defy people's judgment of me?
I'm sorry this is probably very circular and nonsensical. Rest assured I'm trying to understand it too!